Reebotando Journal

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Rebootando, I started following (watching) your journal!

I think your approach is good for now, you're catching what is leading to a lapse, and you're being analytical. You're asking all the right questions.

For me, it takes a 0 tolerance toward old behaviors that lead into old habit patterns. The fantasy and touching (testing) sound like a gateway, right now. Find a way to 'shut that down' if it emerges at all, like ukquit suggests.

I don't have PIED, but I do get performance anxiety, and used to look at a quick p-sub in order to make sure I was sufficiently aroused for the wife, but I challenge myself nowadays to go the distance without doing that, or without resorting to fantasy (or porn memories) during sex. This idea of 'testing' has gotten me in trouble, has led back down the 'wrong' path more than once....

So, change your habits surrounding your unwanted behaviors, trust the process (I know it takes a while), and you'll see progress as you did before.

I also know what a challenge it is, after a successful reboot/recovery to lapse or relapse, and how to find that original motivation to quit. It's difficult, but not impossible.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey Rebootando. In my experience, masturbation while trying to quit porn never really worked well, as soon as I began...it always lead to fantasy and need to feel and then back to porn; so I understand while this feels like a relapse for you. But kudos to not looking at porn.

For long streaks, I think just focusing what is and what isn't is the most important thing. Meditations help you do that.

Reminding yourself constantly of the Consequences of porn in several ways and connecting to the positive things you're looking forward to is a strong motivation. You can do this through affirmations.

That's what I feel helps. Doing this consistently is key for recovery.
 
Your quote about it being 'not the worst' sounds to me like the porn is talking and trying to convince you that it is OK as long as you don't full on binge on porn, which has led to many relapses for me in the past.

This is exactly what I'm thinking. I've got to burn this in my head. I'll be honest and say I've had thoughts pop in my head these past few days, Jesus it's hard to focus on something else. I've got to face this problem like how you did in order to be successful. I think mindfulness training will help me have better control over urges and thoughts and can translate into success in other fields of my life. I'm still at the stage where my libido is fake and is still wired to the PMO I did.

For me, it takes a 0 tolerance toward old behaviors that lead into old habit patterns. The fantasy and touching (testing) sound like a gateway, right now. Find a way to 'shut that down' if it emerges at all, like ukquit suggests.

This is really important as well. I've got to screengrab these comments to remind myself to set good habits. You're absolutely right about fantasy and testing being a gateway. Just before writing this post, I was getting some fantasies. I think this is probably the hardest to control because touching/testing is a physical act, I have to make more of a conscious decision to touch myself. But with fantasy, it's really easy to let my mind wander, especially when I need to focus or am zoned out. The problem, however, is that this is a slippery slope that leads to more fantasy, then testing, then MO. Eventually, the MO becomes once a month, then whenever I feel like it. Sooner or later it's back to PMO. It's what ruined my streak last year, and it ruined it a few days ago. I've got to power through and keep going with 0 fantasy until it becomes second nature. The fantasy aspect right now is bad because it's mostly PMO fantasy with unrealistic ideas.

Reminding yourself constantly of the Consequences of porn in several ways and connecting to the positive things you're looking forward to is a strong motivation. You can do this through affirmations.

These are all really good comments that I will not forget. The mindset I'm in to stop myself from fantasy/PMO is very negative as in berating myself/insulting myself. It's probably better to use affirmations instead when I do something good. I will keep reminding myself of why I'm doing this right now.

Day 4

I've been pretty busy these past few days, but it's been good to be occupied. Coming on here and reading these responses feels really good and helps cement my dedication to hard mode. Fantasy is one thing I struggled with but now I'm looking at girls more since I'm outside. I think I'm probably forcing myself to look at them in a PMO way, and I think the reason why is because I am trying to force some kind of reaction again. Kind of like pretending that I'm rebooted. I really have to stop and say to myself "hard mode, hard mode, hard mode" and put my head down for however long it takes for a natural libido to settle back in. I think once I've gotten a more natural libido, then I can pursue in-person relations with other girls, but for now I think I have to put that off the table. Especially because it's leading me to objectify them in a way that is most likely damaging to my reboot.

I envy you guys so much for sticking to long reboots. I think I can do it too. At least for the very beginning of the reboot, I have to be obsessive over it, constantly think about how I've made a major mistake and that I have to make big changes to ever feel normal again. Thanks for the replies. Honestly, I didn't think I would be one to relapse, especially this early on. I read the reports of other guys relapsing and thought it would never happen to me because this process is a massive undertaking. It's a humbling experience and I hope to take the disappointment I feel combined with positive aspirations to fuel my new streak. I hope you guys are doing well in your reboots, I haven't had the time to follow along in your reports as of late.
 
Day 11

Checking back in. I've been so busy that it's nice to add up the days that I haven't been counting. I've still been having intrusive thoughts, but I'm working on becoming more productive and managing my time effectively so that I'm constantly engaged and active. I know I'll have to keep my head down, and it's been really hard, but I'm still going. I think I had 2 wet dreams since I last updated, which is a little strange since I didn't get any in the previous reboot. I still remember what you guys said, and I am following your advice. I know my reboot will be a while. I think I still haven't really processed what it means to not MO for a long time, potentially never MO again. It's something I'm so used to after doing it most of my life that making a permanent transition away from it will be hard to get used to. That's why I admire the long rebooters and use their stories as motivation to keep going and for reassurance that I can repeat their success. I think the problem with me and other rebooters in the early phase of rebooting is that we expect results and get frustrated if nothing changes in the timeframe that we want it to. I believe most of us are stuck in Erik Erikson's 'Intimacy vs Isolation' stage of our lives and part of the way to resolve this issue is to abstain from PMO. I bet many psychoanalysts would have a field day with the way young people consume sexual content nowadays.

I just wanted to get something written down, I'll check back up when I've got some more free time.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Yes, the idea of not MO or PMO again scares me sometimes. I ask myself, how do I make this possible, I it went possible. But I keep pushing because I know that someday, I'd have someone I can share this burden with (in a partner).

And also that, the number of days and times used or masturbated doesn't count as much as my surrender to the ideals of purity and my efforts in them. Rebooting is all about the mind. If I can just convince myself most of the time to think in certain other ways instead of just being led on by my reptilian brain 🧠 then that's me winning and being recovered.

Chris
 
the number of days and times used or masturbated doesn't count as much as my surrender to the ideals of purity and my efforts in them

This is a good idea Chris. I think that's what I'm trying to reach in the end as well. I believe most of us use the tracking of days to motivate us, but we have the end goal of sticking to these ideals of purity.

Day 12

Just wanted to write something since I had a terrible dream last night about MOing. The worst part was coming on the forums here and writing that I had to reset my hardmode! I think that's kind of funny but I will use that dream as motivation not to have to write about failing on the forums.
 
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