Reebotando Journal

Hey guys, I'm 21 years old and starting another reboot. I say "another" because I tried rebooting over a year ago and it was very successful but then I started slipping when the pandemic hit. I still have my old account info but I decided to make a new account to start fresh. I made good progress during the last reboot but it's shameful to think that I've regressed since then. Anyways, this is technically day 0 since I had a PMO session around 12 A.M. last night. I also want to mention my main reason for starting a reboot in the first place is because I have PIED, which sucks.

I haven't been getting MW, but I remember that ~70 days into the previous reboot I was seeing good results with consistent MW. I know how unbelievably hard it is to quit PMO, but I know it's something I have to do. I was doing so incredibly well during my last reboot, but the reason I failed was that I started to slip. I know exactly when it happened too. It was when I decided that MOing was fine. And it was fine, but only for a while. I began to regress more and more, fantasizing about increasingly hardcore situations. Since I started MOing last year, I started watching porn again and PMOing in spurts. I would go through 2 to 3 weeks of not watching anything, and then I would either MO or PMO and tell myself it was okay. I would go through mini flatlines and wonder if I lost my sexual interest and try to force a reaction, this was a bad idea. I know what a flatline feels like and I just have to live in it. It's such a weird state of feeling nothing but also being frustrated at the same time. I felt like I wasn't human and didn't belong to society. It was alienating and isolating, but I was making progress.

The reason I'm restarting this journal is that I believe this is the only way to get better. I really looked forward to writing in my journal and interacting with you all. The person I was last year would be disappointed in what I've done, but he would be happy that I am restarting my journal. It's a step forward from where I was before. I might post from my old account later on to compare my current progress. I would really appreciate it if you guys left comments on my posts here, it means a lot. We got this bros.
 

Redalc

Active Member
One day at a time man! You got this, you are an inspiration to me. Coming back at it after realizing the problem and seeing the importance of dealing with it. Hope I can be an encouragement!
 
Thanks dude! I think this is officially day 1 since the previous day was 0. I feel good, not much to report. I don't know if I'll write here everyday, but I do like monitoring the forums to see how everyone else is doing. Talk to you all soon.
 

Redalc

Active Member
I?d encourage you to post everyday if you can. Gives me something to look forward too and also build a sense of accountability in thinking that if I give in then people are gonna know why I?m not posting.
 
Day 2 almost done! Not feeling much, kind of the same. I went for a run today but was very distracted watching the closing arguments of the Chauvin trial. I fully expect ups and downs to come. It feels good to be writing updates again. Talk to you guys tomorrow.
 
Day 3 almost done. I pulled an all-nighter so I'm pretty tired right now. The longest streak I've gone was ~75 days, so I have an idea of what to expect. It's funny because I found myself rereading some of the old success stories that I stumbled upon last year. It's crazy to think I forgot how inspired I was by them.

I knew I was slipping in the days leading up to my first MO around this time last year. I don't have a concrete plan to defeat the urges that will inevitably come and I can't honestly say that I will be able to beat my last streak. What I can say is that what I'm doing right now is better than my failure over the past year. I completely abandoned abstinence from MO and PMO and I refused to post an update on my old account. I fell into my old habits and haven't made any progress in my rebooting journey. My MW is nonexistent and I resigned myself to using viagra for the rest of my life. That being said, I know I was lying to myself because of the progress I witnessed right before I relapsed. I know what it was like to feel natural attraction and not having to worry about performing.

Yesterday I read a post about a successful rebooter talking about some tips for guys like me. He mentioned that, based on anecdotal evidence, most of us will fail and we might never recover because we resign ourselves to the perpetual rubber banding of PMO then abstinence, PMO then abstinence, PMO then abstinence... I felt fear when I read that, which is a good thing. We should all be fearful of who we are right now and what we will continue to be if we do not get better. Fear isn't the only motivator either, I look forward to experiencing long flatlines knowing that I am recovering. I look forward to someday waking up with MW. I look forward to someday forming relationships without the use of pills or fearing that I will fail in the use of a natural, bodily function that WE SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO PERFORM.

Truth be told, I didn't plan to make a long post. I like rambling and getting my thoughts down. Let me know what you guys think. Like I said, I look forward to progress but with the realization that I may not see any tangible evidence for months or even years. This is the sin that I must bear. Even though you all are reading my post, just like I read yours, we ultimately must go through the difficult part by ourselves. No one is tying us to a chair and making us watch porn. No one is forcing me to put my hand on my dick. I realize this might sound funny, but it's what we need to hear! I accept this truth, and even though the choice and effort it takes to abstain are mine alone, I continue to do so knowing that there are thousands of others struggling like I have, just like there are thousands of others who have recovered.

See you tomorrow.
 

laneboy

Member
Hey! Yes, the ?pmo to abstinence to pmo etc? cicle is a trap everyone needs to avoid and that everyone can fall into.
Reading your story was really useful for me, because I can see some things you said in my own behaviour: it has been some time I reintroduced MO and I can see mini flatlines after.
Your story will help me keep away from PMO.
Good luck!
 

Freesoul

Member
Hey man,

I have very similar story. I had really good reboot before the pandemic began, and I am restarting again today after a few months of bad porn binges. Looking forward to keeping up with you. One day at a time. We got this.
 
Day 4

Hey guys, thanks for the thoughtful replies. I'm still super tired today because I got 7 hours of sleep after a ~32 hour day. Still going strong and not feeling any urges. I have an interesting story that did happen though: a fantasy popped into my head that got me excited and somewhat hard earlier in the day, however, I went out to a bar with a friend of mine and a really cute girl was taking our orders but I didn't feel any excitement. I have to be honest that I tried to force some physical reaction by looking at her body, but it just felt unnatural and I knew I wasn't ready for that. I'm not disappointed or put off by this because I know it's part of the process. This is the reality of the situation that I'm in. I can either go back to PMOing and lie to myself that I'm okay, or I can suffer through the pain of recovering for however many months/years it may take.

I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of rebooting. I like going through success stories and it's fun to post here. I know that may not always be the case, but I will make it my goal to post here regularly. I hope everyone else had a successful day.
 
Day 5

Still going good, not feeling much of anything. Started taking up running and I'm enjoying it. I've been feeling some anxiety for a long time now, so I hope the physical activity can help with that. Not much to report other than that. See you all tomorrow.
 
Day 7

I think I've been in the flatline since I've relapsed, but it feels like I might be sinking deeper into it. Nothing else to report, I'm feeling pretty good so far. I'm in school right now, so I'm trying to finish off the semester strong and focus on getting good grades. Hope you guys have been successful as well.

One week down.
 
Day 8

Still going strong here! Not many thoughts to post, I'm really distracted right now and want to focus on school work. I think I'll take a break from posting for a few days until I've got some more to write here. I'm really in the flatline now and have no urges. I'm cautious that I could easily relapse to PMO, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. Talk to you guys soon.
 
Day 15

Things are still going well. I've had a few intrusive thoughts, but nothing to the point that I would relapse back to PMO.

I was reading another rebooter's journal who initially had a goal of making it to 90 days no PMO. He successfully achieved the 90 days, but he mentioned in a recent post that he had been struggling. I feel like once we've reached the goal day that we've set for ourselves, it becomes harder to abstain from PMOing. The easiest way I can equate this to is a diet for a fat person. They go on a diet to lose X amount of pounds to reach their target weight, but often begin regaining the weight once they've reached their goal. The problem with the mentality of "going on a diet" is that it carries the inherent connotation that it's temporary. A diet should really refer to the new eating habits that you will continue to employ for the rest of your life. It kind of sounds like a basic and no-duh idea, but I'm trying to get at what our mentality and goals should be. The 90-day challenge is great in getting us motivated and excited to progress in our journey, but emphasizing its importance can lead to the detriment of relapsing after the 90 days. The same thing goes with keeping a counter. I like seeing how many days I've racked up, but I know that I might be more tempted to PMO after seeing I've made it into the triple digits of days. I think it's one of the contributing factors to relapsing last time. I'm trying to shift my mindset towards a lifestyle that excludes PMO. This is just a theory I've got, let me know what you guys think.
 

IamMayor

Member
Hello brother, i think you are doing great . It is true , rebooting in the name of the nofap 90 day challenge will ruin your progress in the long run. The 90 day challenge is like that first treatment you take before you begin a series of shots and therapy treatment or a preparation for a surgery that will fix your current illness to help you live better in life and focus on other things that may require the best version of you and all of your attention . I have been through a lot and i hope all my struggles were not for nothing and i hope the same for you and everyone else on this platform.
Keep up the good fight. Much respect .
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 15

Things are still going well. I've had a few intrusive thoughts, but nothing to the point that I would relapse back to PMO.

I was reading another rebooter's journal who initially had a goal of making it to 90 days no PMO. He successfully achieved the 90 days, but he mentioned in a recent post that he had been struggling. I feel like once we've reached the goal day that we've set for ourselves, it becomes harder to abstain from PMOing. The easiest way I can equate this to is a diet for a fat person. They go on a diet to lose X amount of pounds to reach their target weight, but often begin regaining the weight once they've reached their goal. The problem with the mentality of "going on a diet" is that it carries the inherent connotation that it's temporary. A diet should really refer to the new eating habits that you will continue to employ for the rest of your life. It kind of sounds like a basic and no-duh idea, but I'm trying to get at what our mentality and goals should be. The 90-day challenge is great in getting us motivated and excited to progress in our journey, but emphasizing its importance can lead to the detriment of relapsing after the 90 days. The same thing goes with keeping a counter. I like seeing how many days I've racked up, but I know that I might be more tempted to PMO after seeing I've made it into the triple digits of days. I think it's one of the contributing factors to relapsing last time. I'm trying to shift my mindset towards a lifestyle that excludes PMO. This is just a theory I've got, let me know what you guys think.
I think you may have been referring to me here (I might be wrong!) but I have taken a lot of inspiration from this post. I think it is a really good analogy to use about making lifelong habits, I have done this with exercise already so I am going to take a lot of the habits and lessons I learned from that into my fight against porn. Thank you for the post and I wish you all the best with your own reboot.
 
Hey guys, thanks for the comments. I am glad to have been of some use to you.

Day 22

Things are still going pretty well for me! I will be honest though, it has been difficult to stick with hardmode since I've felt the urge to MO multiple times, and even got close on one occasion. It's not called hardmode for no reason. I think it helps to think about what's at stake for me with this reboot. Ukquit11 made it 90 days and that seems so far away from me, but I know if he, and others like him, are able to make it that far, then so can I. I'm going through a major change in my life now as I end university. I am really going to try and hammer in good habits and stick with them. I feel like I am more compelled to make changes when I have a change in environment, switching from my place at uni to back home is a great opportunity to get on the right track. I'll post again when I hit 30 days. See you guys then, keep going!!
 
Day 0

DAMN! I just MOd. I'm counting it as a reset bc I'm going hardmode even though I didn't look at porn. I knew I felt urges in the last few days. I've got to think of some ways to distract myself. I'll stay on the forums some more. I think regular posting will help. :( feels pretty bad right now but I know I'm human and will make mistakes. It really makes me appreciate you guys that have gone on long streaks. Back on the wagon again.

Edit: I've thought about it a little more and I think part of the problem is indulging in fantasy. Most of the time I can justify this indulging because it's with real people in a first-person perspective. This is a snowballing effect for me because the indulgence of an "intrusive fantasy," one that comes up naturally leads me to keep thinking about it even when I'm no longer aroused. In my reboot last year I was able to block this out by forcing myself not to think about it. It's actually really really difficult, kind of like mental warfare, but I have to do it. At least for right now, I will try ignoring the thought but I'll look for more techniques to increase self-control and mindfulness, maybe meditation would be helpful.

Another reason I can think about my relapsing is that I began to progressively touch/test myself. This is also why I relapsed last year. This is similar to what I was describing in the above paragraph. The problem that I'm running into is progressively getting more comfortable with myself and the reboot. I will say to myself, "okay, so hardmode means to MO, so it's not the worst to sometimes touch yourself or think about a sexual thought." I believe this is what lead me to relapse today.

I'm coming to the conclusion for now that I just cannot touch myself or engage in any fantasy whatsoever. I can't say for certain this is a foolproof method as it's easier said than done, but it's what I'm going to try for now. I was much more engaged and motivated when I was more active on the forum, so I'm glad to at least be making this post today. It's much better to post here and feel ashamed to admit to you guys that I failed than to lie to myself and ignore it for the rest of the day. I can't say I'm glad I relapsed, but I think the trajectory where I was going previously was probably bound to fail with me progressively getting more comfortable with myself.

I would really, really appreciate some suggestions for what's helped you to stay on long streaks. Does it sound like I'm going in the right direction with how I'm correcting my reboot? It almost seems like I have to get fanatical with rebooting until I know I will never MO for my PIED to go away. Please let me know your thoughts. I'll be away for a few days in the countryside, but if I get connection I'll be checking the forum.
 
Last edited:

ukquit11

Member
Well done for not looking at porn though, and it is 22 days more without porn that you have done, look at it that way.

For me, focusing on making sure I don't engage in any past behaviours has been crucial. This means no touching or fantasy whatsoever. If fantasy does appear in my head, I focus on something else (I do some push ups or sit ups, go for a walk, or make sure I focus on something else at work). It is difficult, but this has meant that when urges have come, they have been a lot easier to get rid of. Your quote about it being 'not the worst' sounds to me like the porn is talking and trying to convince you that it is OK as long as you don't full on binge on porn, which has led to many relapses for me in the past. For me, any rationalisations about any aspect of porn use that my brain makes is just it attempting to make me relapse.

I think the countryside will do you a lot of good, enjoy!
 
Top