This has to stop. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

JerryTX

Active Member
Long post here but it's been awhile with vacation since I have been on this site. Well vacation was good but came back to a slew of work and stress. Then came some immediate travel. On day 112 I am going to say that I had a relapse. Here's the situation. Found myself alone in my hotel room and working. Begin p-sub and edging with IG and others. Over the past 112 days I have been fighting these battles but I found the urge to keep clicking was so incredible strong. So I did click one time where I shouldn't have and a P video started playing. On a positive note, in my past that would have led to hours of straight P use and multiple PMOs throughout the night. The good news of all of this is I closed my phone in less than one minute into the video but the imagery was vivid in my mind and I MO. So whether I'm being too hard on myself which is likely, I feel this was a "relapse" as in the past 112 days I have not even gotten that far. But this time the click, the video started and I watched briefly but it lead to MO.

The amount of guilt and shame from this event consumed me throughout the rest of the evening and eventually found solace in praying and reading my bible. GODS grace is amazing and has helped me push through. I almost didn't even want to come on here and post as the guilt, shame, and disappointment was so severe. However, I know we are all going through this journey together and I wanted to write about this experience as it does also give me some peace.

I wake this morning still with some guilt and disappoint, but I know how far I have come in this journey. Therefore, I decided to "restart another reboot" and continue on my journey to eventually not giving in to those clicks that start a video. The strength & endurance I have gained did assist in me not watching the entire video but the MO to the imagery of what I saw is unacceptable. In the last 112 days without PMO and only 5 MOs has been incredible, but this new journey will now begin with the goal to eliminate MO as well.

GOD Bless you all !
1 Corinthians 6: 18-20
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Long post here but it's been awhile with vacation since I have been on this site. Well vacation was good but came back to a slew of work and stress. Then came some immediate travel. On day 112 I am going to say that I had a relapse. Here's the situation. Found myself alone in my hotel room and working. Begin p-sub and edging with IG and others. Over the past 112 days I have been fighting these battles but I found the urge to keep clicking was so incredible strong. So I did click one time where I shouldn't have and a P video started playing. On a positive note, in my past that would have led to hours of straight P use and multiple PMOs throughout the night. The good news of all of this is I closed my phone in less than one minute into the video but the imagery was vivid in my mind and I MO. So whether I'm being too hard on myself which is likely, I feel this was a "relapse" as in the past 112 days I have not even gotten that far. But this time the click, the video started and I watched briefly but it lead to MO.

The amount of guilt and shame from this event consumed me throughout the rest of the evening and eventually found solace in praying and reading my bible. GODS grace is amazing and has helped me push through. I almost didn't even want to come on here and post as the guilt, shame, and disappointment was so severe. However, I know we are all going through this journey together and I wanted to write about this experience as it does also give me some peace.

I wake this morning still with some guilt and disappoint, but I know how far I have come in this journey. Therefore, I decided to "restart another reboot" and continue on my journey to eventually not giving in to those clicks that start a video. The strength & endurance I have gained did assist in me not watching the entire video but the MO to the imagery of what I saw is unacceptable. In the last 112 days without PMO and only 5 MOs has been incredible, but this new journey will now begin with the goal to eliminate MO as well.

GOD Bless you all !
1 Corinthians 6: 18-20
Hey Jerry! Sorry to hear about your little relapse, but as you stated, you have come so far and you will only continue to get stronger. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with counting days and just focusing on being the best me I can be. Some days I won't be as good as others, but I've come way too far to just go back to the daily grind of PMO. I know I will masturbate again, certainly not nearly as often and not with porn on my screen. I don't know if I will ever get it out of my head, too many years of it being smashed in there, but I know I am far better off than I was several months ago. I'm sure you will continue on that path as well and if you falter here or there, you just get right back up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. I think we can't be so hard on ourselves when we succumb once in a while. If you head down a path of week or month long binges, well that is a different story. But even then, getting back on the horse is still the best way to move forward.

I've enjoyed following your story as it has unfolded with mine. I've had bad days but many more good days. There will be bumps in the road, but I have the vehicles to get over them and so do you. Good luck my friend!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good job on 112 days, Jerry! As for your lapse, that's all it was, was a lapse- not a relapse! Guitar put things so well!

As a fellow believer, don't give any place to guilt or condemnation! Dissappointment? Yeah, I know how that feels, but you've already been forgiven and stand just as righteous before God now, as you did on day 90.

Like you said, you have a fresh start where you can include all your goals in your reboot effort. But chalk this one up to victory, that you went as far as you did, because you will string several lengthy streaks together, until this thing is a faint memory.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Thanks @Phineas 808 @guitar1968 . Really appreciate the comments. I was really hard on myself when this happened and the few days post event I really just wanted to dive into PMO like the past! I have solace in GODs grace and more importantly even though I viewed a video I can now understand that it was less than one minute and I shut it off! I have had a few tough days since wanting to just give in fully but that hasn't and won't happen again. I'm not sure where or what I want to do with this next journey as I may or may not count days. What I do know is during this next phase I'm going to stay away from PMO & MO. If it ain't real it ain't happening!!! So thankful for this site and glad to have been studying Romans 8 this week at church! GOD Bless you all and praying for everyone!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Sounds like you have the right attitude. You have been doing great. And, just viewing for a short time and shutting it off doesn't seem to me to be a failure. Your thoughts wanted to take you back to the "good old days", but you moved on. I know the porn that I have seen during the last 116 days has sometimes made me feel like going back, but most days I just walked away and it didn't bother me. Who knows what really triggers us and why but if we focus and move on, we're winning the battle.

You are doing great. It's been cool chatting with guys who are right around the same place that I'm at. Really makes me feel like we're in it together.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@guitar1968 Thanks for the encouragement. Yes I do agree with you but that evening was the one time since this journey began I actually let a video start to play. I am happy and somewhat amazed as in the past I would have binged P most of the evening. Turned it off did the deed (MO) and stayed awake with guilt, shame, and disappointment. With that said I am actually at peace now and feel like that evening:
1. Made me stronger
2. Realized I may always be battling some temptations
3. Alcohol played a role in this situation... Had dinner function with wine and an old fashioned.. NO MORE fueling that fire when I travel
4. I don't want to go back of the endless cycle of continuous PMO

I am not in "the dark place" I once was which is refreshing. Nice job on your own streak and stay strong brother!!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
@guitar1968 Thanks for the encouragement. Yes I do agree with you but that evening was the one time since this journey began I actually let a video start to play. I am happy and somewhat amazed as in the past I would have binged P most of the evening. Turned it off did the deed (MO) and stayed awake with guilt, shame, and disappointment. With that said I am actually at peace now and feel like that evening:
1. Made me stronger
2. Realized I may always be battling some temptations
3. Alcohol played a role in this situation... Had dinner function with wine and an old fashioned.. NO MORE fueling that fire when I travel
4. I don't want to go back of the endless cycle of continuous PMO

I am not in "the dark place" I once was which is refreshing. Nice job on your own streak and stay strong brother!!
That's great Jerry. I think even after just 100+ days our attitudes and lives are being changed. The fact that you didn't let it lead you right back down the path of binging porn proves that. Congratulations on continuing on the path.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Haven't posted a lot in my journal lately but while I am still continuing in this journey it hasn't been without it's challenges. I realize that the temptations to lure into a full blown PMO session are pretty much gone, I have had some issues of late with P subs and edging. Good news is I was aware of what this was and where it would lead and moved on to win the battle(s).

One of my strongest triggers that I still battle is the lack of sex with the wife which makes me feel like I have "earned the right" to PMO. While this one unique battle will likely never go away due to multiple reasons (libido differences, health issues, etc) I know that succumbing to PMO or MO isn't in the cards. I also know that putting my head down to fight it is not the answer.. The answer for me is spending time with GOD - worship music, Bible, prayer! I can not change the above but I know I can change my response now. I know I am rambling but the "rejection" from the spouse really drives those PMO urges and I have to continue to do the above to get through it. Thanks and I haven't counted days since the "lapse" at day 112 but all has been good and hard mode is in effect. The ability to not "click" and "search" continue to come up and I have learned to walk away which gives me a great sense of freedom I haven't had in so long. I will be traveling for work and I know from that experience no alcohol during dinner as it makes me more mentally weak. Staying strong, praying for all of you and GOD BLESS you!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Just sharing from this mornings devotional as it really spoke to me and felt others might need this today as we all battle and fight to become better men!

Let the truth of GOD's word, not your circumstances, define your decisions today. Trusting in the LORD we can overcome and press through anything! Don't let Satan tell you differently with his lies and manipulations. You are free, forgiven, and forever in GOD's Love. So let the truth of GOD's word, not your circumstances, define your decisions today.

From the bible app 1 Corinthians a 35 day devotional.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Doing pretty good and really not "counting days" anymore. Staying away from PMO, edging, and P subs. My biggest issue/trigger know is the wife and the lack of intimacy I'm facing. As I mentioned before this was "my excuse to binge PMO" any chance I got! Well I'm not that man anymore but tonight we will have some difficult and uncomfortable conversations that need to happen. Not just about this journey which she is aware of but also some "other marital issues". Our marriage is strong but these conversations really bend but don't break us! I am prayerful that tonight allows us to move forward. Any positive vibes and prayers from the group are appreciated!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Doing pretty good and really not "counting days" anymore. Staying away from PMO, edging, and P subs. My biggest issue/trigger know is the wife and the lack of intimacy I'm facing. As I mentioned before this was "my excuse to binge PMO" any chance I got! Well I'm not that man anymore but tonight we will have some difficult and uncomfortable conversations that need to happen. Not just about this journey which she is aware of but also some "other marital issues". Our marriage is strong but these conversations really bend but don't break us! I am prayerful that tonight allows us to move forward. Any positive vibes and prayers from the group are appreciated!
Definitely sending positive vibes your way. Lack of intimacy has been a huge part in sending me deeper into this addiction. I felt that if I wasn't getting it from her, it was up to me and it was better than cheating. I then got sucked in even further than I was before. My marriage is falling apart and I think lack of intimacy is playing a huge part. Even though I know a big part of this is my own doing, it still is hard to go forward each day in a marriage without love, touching, and yes, sex. That connection is important. My wife and I don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. We're basically co-parenting roommates. I already feel like the marriage has slipped away.

Anyway, sorry for venting on your journal. I didn't even realize that was coming out. We've been fighting a lot lately and I'm pretty jaded at this point. Trying to keep my spirits up and keep moving forward. No matter what's going on, going back to porn isn't going to solve anything.

Good luck Jerry. I hope your conversations prove fruitful. I always start the conversations with my wife hoping for something good to happen, inevitably we end up yelling and blaming each other for everything. Ugh.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Definitely sending positive vibes your way. Lack of intimacy has been a huge part in sending me deeper into this addiction. I felt that if I wasn't getting it from her, it was up to me and it was better than cheating. I then got sucked in even further than I was before. My marriage is falling apart and I think lack of intimacy is playing a huge part. Even though I know a big part of this is my own doing, it still is hard to go forward each day in a marriage without love, touching, and yes, sex. That connection is important. My wife and I don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. We're basically co-parenting roommates. I already feel like the marriage has slipped away.

Anyway, sorry for venting on your journal. I didn't even realize that was coming out. We've been fighting a lot lately and I'm pretty jaded at this point. Trying to keep my spirits up and keep moving forward. No matter what's going on, going back to porn isn't going to solve anything.

Good luck Jerry. I hope your conversations prove fruitful. I always start the conversations with my wife hoping for something good to happen, inevitably we end up yelling and blaming each other for everything. Ugh.
Thanks @guitar1968 ! I don't think our marriage has gotten to that point but I do feel if we don't have honest and high level communication it is heading that direction. I am sorry about your situation and I realize that stress cause(d) triggers that lead to PMO. I am so glad regardless of the marital situation we both aren't going back to our past PMO for release of this stress.. Or as I like to say I deserve it cause you don't give me what I need!! Keep your spirits up and I appreciate your journal and journeying alongside you!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Jerry - I have been mostly off the grid these last few weeks and so am just catching up a bit, but wanted to reaffirm the comments of Phin and Guitar re the realization of just how far you have come on your journey and not being defined (or derailed) by a brief "lapse" in focus.

Dude, you are crushing it in how you have been moving forward and establishing new brain patterns while slowly weening off your old ones. I (perhaps like you) sometimes expect things to change immediately (when I want things to happen - which is usually yesterday) ... but that is not usually God's way - he has a timing all his own and for good reasons (always in our long term best interest). I have found my temporary bumps in the road are a time for me to practice acceptance (of my imperfections) and thankfulness (that I have an opportunity to learn something this is not quite yet at the level of where it needs to be to fully break free) ... and an opportunity to wash myself of these burdens so I can let go of my past and just start fresh as I move forward.

Lastly, I am afraid I appear to be (once again) very similar to yourself and Guitar in terms of the wife relationship - many years of non-intimacy lead me to justify my PMO routine because I had "earned it" and ultimately contributed to my current relationship state where it feels like we are mostly co-parenting roommates. But ... I have not given up on this, and in the back of my mind I believe there is a day where our intimacy will be re-kindled and we are connected again as we once were. I have seen glimpses of this possibility over my journey these last 5 months or so and I hope you have seen this as well in your relationship with your wife.

Sorry for the long dump on your journal page - but wanted to know you are not alone. Take care amigo.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@Nick Simons Thanks so much for posting this! I truly appreciate it and your journal. We didn't really get to dive deep in our conversation last evening but we did get it started. So far so good but we have a lot of work to do and it will take both of us to do it! I feel I am in a good place like you as it relates to PMO and the urges. I do watch IG closely as not to click to much. I also think I may be in another flatline which is weird but not sure as like I mentioned there has been nothing to arouse me. It's just that I went from being extremely frustrated with the intimacy with the wife to completely focused on me and my well being. And yes I totally agree that it is in GODs plan and timing. If you want to see GOD laugh tell him your plans!! (my mom always told me that :rolleyes:) So thankful for finding this group and the men dealing with similar issues. When I got on here originally I thought well here it goes...misery loves company! Boy was I wrong and this group has meant a lot to me in my journey. Thankful and always praying for everyone.
@Phineas 808
@guitar1968

Wanted to add to the post as I also started working out harder than normal and begin intermittent fasting. Down some LBs this week and also quit drinking any alcohol. I allow myself 1 cheat meal with 1 drink.

And another great reminder from this 1 Corinthians devotional I'm reading:
As we grow aware of our hearts. we have an opportunity to deal with our sin before we're tempted to give way to our sin!
 
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JerryTX

Active Member
Just updating on the conversation with the spouse. Yesterday it got real and it started off extremely aggressive and combative on her end. I simply sat, listened, and maintained my composure. I discussed the journey I'm on and by the end of it she realized that not only do I want to be a better man, but also be a better husband. We ended up having a good day afterwards and lot's of discussion around intimacy as a whole. Not sure what or if anything will change yet but I am prayerful that we both took steps in the right direction. Sorry that most likely don't care about the post but it does feel good to update it and write it out!

Hope everyone is having a blessed Sunday and GOD is good all the time!
 
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