This has to stop. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

I thought today I would post a bit of a summary of my journey thus far as I was reflecting upon it this morning and how far I have come. I'll start with my statistics first. I finally updated my spreadsheet so I had "visibility and accountability" to the data/facts.
  • Journey started on 4/13 and first post here in RN on 4/19
  • Went 112 days without PMO
    • During this time I MO'd 7X without any P
  • On day 113 I viewed a video for about 1 minute and then MO'd to the imaging in my head. Video was stopped that quickly.
  • Went another 39 days without PMO but again viewed a video clip and Lapsed to PMO.
  • I'm 14 days since that lapse with PMO and I haven't MO'd in this time
  • I have only had sex 11X during the onset of this journey. Mostly due to some flatline periods and lack of wife's libido and drive
  • Total time to date is 172 days with 2 PMO lapses
Ok now to the more important stuff that I have learned during this journey.
  • The flat line and loss of interest is real. For me it has spiked through various times throughout this journey. Never more than 10 days but when it hits there has been zero to no interest for me in my wife or even PMO
  • The PMO and P temptations to date are not strong at all. While you could read this and look at the above and say "why did you lapse then?" This is a fair question but during those 2 lapses they were very short lived not long PMO sessions. Prior to this journey those PMO episodes would have been full blown PMO sessions back to back and day to day. This went on for decades as I stated in my opening journal entry! The reason for the lapses are the first one involved alcohol and led to the edging which led to a video being played for a short period. Also was traveling and alone in a hotel room which usually meant multiple PMO sessions. Those are gone and alcohol lowered my "strength" threshold. 2nd Lapse was after a sex with the wife and intense chaser effect. This led to edging and P subs to a P video that again lasted less than a few minutes but used the imagery to PMO.
    • The shame and guilt after this was horrible. I asked for GODs grace and forgiveness and more importantly HIS STRENGTH to continue this battle to beat the P demon!
  • Chaser Effect is extremely real and has been tough for me over the last 6 months. While I would prefer to have sex more often with my wife, when we do the dopamine spike and 72 hour effect has been tough to overcome. Good news is this I now know will happen and I am better prepared for it moving forward.
  • To date I feel much better about myself and my relationship with my wife. We have had some difficult conversations but I know I'm becoming a better version of me and this will continue to improve our marriage
  • I am more controlled in my thoughts and actions and like I mentioned have had little desire to even think of watching P. Heck I can now be home alone without feeling the tugs of the P Demon!
I know this journal and this site have been a huge part of my success to date. Just to know as men were not alone in this has been helpful. Plus journaling my thoughts, struggles, and successes gives me an outlet. I know there is a lot of "religion" in my posts and even in the title of my journal, but without my relationship with GOD I wouldn't have gotten this far. Bible study, worship music, and prayer have been so important to me and my hope is regardless of your beliefs my journal has helped others.

So where does that leave me today... Well I'm a sinner and a broken man, but thankful for GOD's grace over my life! Sorry for the long deep post today but like I mentioned it was helpful to reflect on where I was, where I am, and how far I have come. This journey isn't over but I know I can win this battle for good and become the husband, father, and man I should have been before the destructive use of PMO!

I will continue to come here to post, read, and encourage! My new goal is to finish out 2021 with no PMO or MO & only real sex with the wife! There are so many on this site I am thankful for and others that are beginning this journey.

Have a great week RN!
Jeremiah 29: 12-13
1 Corinthians 10: 12-13
James 1: 12
James 4:71 Corinthians 6:19

Let the truth of GODs word, not your circumstances, define your decisions today!
I'm not a slave to porn, PMO, & lustful thoughts! Because GOD has and will purify my heart & mind. I will honor GOD with my eyes and thoughts. MY GOD is faithful! Even when I'm tempted, GOD will always provide me a way to conquer the temptations!
awesome! I'm right there with you my brother in Christ! Let's keep pushing!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
...but it almost makes me not want to have sex in fear of this stupid MO chaser effect.

While I don't think this is a serious consideration on your part, I would say, use it instead.

Having sex with your wife, for one is rewiring (which you want to do), but second and important for habit change, use those moments for their chaser effects, so that you can use those times to learn how to dismiss urges.

Real life cues (or triggers), which having sex with your wife is, are opportunities to learn about yourself, how that you can outlast any urge by dismissing or ignoring them until they pass.

The more you approach this (without avoiding it), the more you will change marital sex as being a cue for you. Because through repetitious dismissal of urges, it will no longer 'trigger' you.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
While I don't think this is a serious consideration on your part, I would say, use it instead.

Having sex with your wife, for one is rewiring (which you want to do), but second and important for habit change, use those moments for their chaser effects, so that you can use those times to learn how to dismiss urges.

Real life cues (or triggers), which having sex with your wife is, are opportunities to learn about yourself, how that you can outlast any urge by dismissing or ignoring them until they pass.

The more you approach this (without avoiding it), the more you will change marital sex as being a cue for you. Because through repetitious dismissal of urges, it will no longer 'trigger' you.
As always thanks @Phineas 808 for the wise words and advice. I need to reframe my mind like you mentioned around the chaser effect and learn to dismiss it! Appreciate the comments!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Just catch up here with RN! Traveling this evening and since I know my triggers no alcohol on a business dinner. Quick trip and I have had some really good days. Nothing major to report but traveling can always become a challenge. Really not so much to PMO but MO. Just need to stay focused and praying for this site!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Just posting to report in. Even though I knew in advance struggles of traveling I did MO!!! It's like I wake up in the AM aroused and think why not the release. I guess good thing it's not to P fantasies, it's to wife fantasy. The struggle is real. I haven't PMO'd like I used to (which was watching 10-15 porn scenes since 4/13/2021). I have had 2 lapses during this time but it was from P subs/edging and arousal led to MO without full fledge video viewing. This is exactly what I believe Phineas refers to as red line behavior. Either way it's behavior that I need to learn to control. No MO just because I'm aroused in the AM, No MO just for release. So I started another MO challenge on Wednesday. UGH! So everyone that struggles on here your not alone. I am proud of what I have accomplished but I really need to remove these MO behaviors as I know they could lead me back to where I don't want to be.

I will state my triggers/temptations here as if I write them out, confess them to GOD, and begin to remove their power over me.
  • Traveling
  • Boredom
  • Being alone
  • P subs / edging with social media or google searches
  • Lack of sex with the wife / feeling sorry for myself
  • Alcohol or drinking which lowers my inhibitions
I pray that these not to have control over me. Grace and Peace RN!
 
Just posting to report in. Even though I knew in advance struggles of traveling I did MO!!! It's like I wake up in the AM aroused and think why not the release. I guess good thing it's not to P fantasies, it's to wife fantasy. The struggle is real. I haven't PMO'd like I used to (which was watching 10-15 porn scenes since 4/13/2021). I have had 2 lapses during this time but it was from P subs/edging and arousal led to MO without full fledge video viewing. This is exactly what I believe Phineas refers to as red line behavior. Either way it's behavior that I need to learn to control. No MO just because I'm aroused in the AM, No MO just for release. So I started another MO challenge on Wednesday. UGH! So everyone that struggles on here your not alone. I am proud of what I have accomplished but I really need to remove these MO behaviors as I know they could lead me back to where I don't want to be.

I will state my triggers/temptations here as if I write them out, confess them to GOD, and begin to remove their power over me.
  • Traveling
  • Boredom
  • Being alone
  • P subs / edging with social media or google searches
  • Lack of sex with the wife / feeling sorry for myself
  • Alcohol or drinking which lowers my inhibitions
I pray that these not to have control over me. Grace and Peace RN!
good to know the triggers! If my wife and I get into it, i know that's a huge trigger. We all just need more discipline. I have a vision board on my computer that states "No Discipline. No Success. Period." It's true. Also I have "Pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17". We have to remember to do that even though we don't want to because what we TRULY want to do is give in to are sinful natures. It is what it is lol. We gotta put ourselves last, humble ourselves, and please God first over ourselves. I know it's easy to say, harder to do.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Unfortunately I am going to report in here with some bad news.. I am not going to type excuses or get down on myself, but I had a lapse. It was edging for awhile on Sunday and I was able to stop. Been home alone on Monday morning which led to edging on some google searches. Like my last "lapse" on 9/13 I didn't watch videos to PMO but unfortunately clicked to where I saw some pics/Gifs and the imagery led to MO. I want to be honest with myself and call it what it was. It is extremely disappointing but my perseverance and strength to not binge P for the rest of the day isn't there. I know my triggers which are above and throughout this thread but I ignored them.

There are 53 days left in 2021 and I will conquer those days! Really need to resist the google searches/edging/P subs over the next 53 days. I also need to focus on "hard mode" and not MO at all during this time. That is the goal.

Since I joined RN on 4/13 I have had 3 PMO lapses. I want to finish this year and not exceed that number. I know I can do it and I know how to do it. I need to eliminate the mental side of this addiction and really focus. My journey to 12/31/2021 starts today! I reread through my journal and need to get more intentional with my daily devotions, Bible study, and prayer. I am thankful for GOD's grace. I'm a sinner and GOD is good and gracious to hear my cries!

Thanks for the support of this site and I apologize for the lapse to RN.

1 Corinthians 10:13​

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,
that you may be able to endure it.
 
Unfortunately I am going to report in here with some bad news.. I am not going to type excuses or get down on myself, but I had a lapse. It was edging for awhile on Sunday and I was able to stop. Been home alone on Monday morning which led to edging on some google searches. Like my last "lapse" on 9/13 I didn't watch videos to PMO but unfortunately clicked to where I saw some pics/Gifs and the imagery led to MO. I want to be honest with myself and call it what it was. It is extremely disappointing but my perseverance and strength to not binge P for the rest of the day isn't there. I know my triggers which are above and throughout this thread but I ignored them.

There are 53 days left in 2021 and I will conquer those days! Really need to resist the google searches/edging/P subs over the next 53 days. I also need to focus on "hard mode" and not MO at all during this time. That is the goal.

Since I joined RN on 4/13 I have had 3 PMO lapses. I want to finish this year and not exceed that number. I know I can do it and I know how to do it. I need to eliminate the mental side of this addiction and really focus. My journey to 12/31/2021 starts today! I reread through my journal and need to get more intentional with my daily devotions, Bible study, and prayer. I am thankful for GOD's grace. I'm a sinner and GOD is good and gracious to hear my cries!

Thanks for the support of this site and I apologize for the lapse to RN.

1 Corinthians 10:13​

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,
that you may be able to endure it.
Amen jerrytx.
Recently I was at a pretty bad low and I had to phone a friend. They reminded me that our strength is found in God & God alone. That our fight is not against flesh & blood (including our own).
I pray that you find ways to not only resist but to draw closer to God. I too an trying to do the same
Hold on to hope! We believe your year goal with you
 
Unfortunately I am going to report in here with some bad news.. I am not going to type excuses or get down on myself, but I had a lapse. It was edging for awhile on Sunday and I was able to stop. Been home alone on Monday morning which led to edging on some google searches. Like my last "lapse" on 9/13 I didn't watch videos to PMO but unfortunately clicked to where I saw some pics/Gifs and the imagery led to MO. I want to be honest with myself and call it what it was. It is extremely disappointing but my perseverance and strength to not binge P for the rest of the day isn't there. I know my triggers which are above and throughout this thread but I ignored them.

There are 53 days left in 2021 and I will conquer those days! Really need to resist the google searches/edging/P subs over the next 53 days. I also need to focus on "hard mode" and not MO at all during this time. That is the goal.

Since I joined RN on 4/13 I have had 3 PMO lapses. I want to finish this year and not exceed that number. I know I can do it and I know how to do it. I need to eliminate the mental side of this addiction and really focus. My journey to 12/31/2021 starts today! I reread through my journal and need to get more intentional with my daily devotions, Bible study, and prayer. I am thankful for GOD's grace. I'm a sinner and GOD is good and gracious to hear my cries!

Thanks for the support of this site and I apologize for the lapse to RN.

1 Corinthians 10:13​

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,
that you may be able to endure it.
no judgement here! We all been there, MULPTIPLE TIMES! Get back on that horse! Let's go!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Stole this from Phineas. It's a great way to approach social media that I am going to utilize. Doing great since the lapse and been extremely busy with work. Went back to starting my day being more mindful and with bible study and prayer.


From @Phineas 808
I - Integrity.

This means that when I come onto any social media platform, that I do so as a man of God. That I'm not liking this or that, saving this or that, or commenting, or scrolling as anything other than a Christian. I'm not some lustful connoisseur of women's pics. Though, as an artist, I still appreciate the beauty from that standpoint...

M - Mindfulness.

This means that when I'm on social media, I'm not to do so mindlessly out of habit, but in the moment fully aware. This may mean not going on first thing in the morning, or last thing at night. I will disrupt any patterns that make it some unhealthy habit.

P - Purposeful.

I go on with a specific purpose spelled out in my head before hand. If this is to post, then I'll post; to comment, then to comment; etc... Once I'm done, I'm out.

A - Alert.

How many times across Facebook and Twitter, or sometimes in Messenger, I'll get a 'friend request' or a message from some tailor-made hot sex-bot? This has tripped me up more times than I care to recollect. There's also a carefulness from being hit by a sexy picture unawares.

C - Concise.

That is, across all platforms (even Youtube) I'm to be surgical, or in-and-out. This brevity will keep me from scrolling into mindlessness.

T - Truthful.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Doing great since the lapse and been extremely busy with work. Went back to starting my day being more mindful and with bible study and prayer.

Good to hear, brother! And the thing about stealing... you can't steal what's already given! Lol... (steal away!).
 

JerryTX

Active Member
It's been awhile since I posted and I realize that is a bad thing. This morning I had a full blown lapse. Why did I lapse? Multiple reasons/excuses that are just that.. excuses. Man this addiction is tough. I know my triggers and what caused my addiction but today was the first time since I started this journey that I watched, and watched, and watched. Weird thing is I never really even got a solid erection. It's my brain saying what the hell are you doing and I'm not going to respond down here!! I thought I had been doing so well and let the devil steal my joy today. I have been doing to much edging and P Subs and it finally caught up with me.

So here I sit in frustration, anger, and disappointment. I am going to dive into prayer and the word after this is typed. Grace and forgiveness is hard to understand when you have this addiction. I know I am better than I was but I want to be done with PMO. I really need to get back to my daily habits that led to a strong free PMO journey. I apologize for rambling but it does help to type this out.

This last streak was a mere 18 days. Since 4/13 I have PMO 5X. This will not define me and I pray for everyone on this site. I am thankful for RN and will make sure I'm more committed to visiting here as well as post.

1 John 1:9
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Grace and forgiveness is hard to understand when you have this addiction.

Sorry to hear this, Jerry!

Just receive it, brother. You are forgiven, cleansed by His blood, and are justified by His righteousness and resurrection! Remember (as I remind myself), He justifies [makes righteous] the ungodly, and all we need do is believe it.

(Rom 4:3-8, 22-25)

Stand up, dust yourself off, and go on stronger than you were before!
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
I know what it feels like to try to cling to good habits and try to keep daily motivation for them. It's been helping me lately to spend a minute or two every morning to remind myself why I am doing this and picturing what success for each day looks like in my mind. Good luck, Jerry! Hope you find your inspiration for creating those positive habits again! It's really a big part of success I feel for all of us here struggling.
 
Jerrytx, I am so encouraged by your post. I'm sorry that you indulged but it's true, you are better than when you first started. I PMOd today and I have been so down. But I didn't go to God, I've just been feeding myself the lies. Your post just snapped me out of that. We are forgiven. We are being made whole. The spirit that lives within us is greater than the world. Amen brother. God is with us.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I PMOd today and I have been so down. But I didn't go to God, I've just been feeding myself the lies. Your post just snapped me out of that. We are forgiven. We are being made whole. The spirit that lives within us is greater than the world. Amen brother. God is with us.

Important as receiving God's forgiveness is, forgive yourself, too, Squidward!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Jerrytx, I am so encouraged by your post. I'm sorry that you indulged but it's true, you are better than when you first started. I PMOd today and I have been so down. But I didn't go to God, I've just been feeding myself the lies. Your post just snapped me out of that. We are forgiven. We are being made whole. The spirit that lives within us is greater than the world. Amen brother. God is with us.
Thanks Squidward. The journey is tough and we can never let our guard down. I understand how you feel and glad my post brought some light.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Good day RN! Day 2 and a busy week ahead. Not sure how much time I will have to post but I am going to try to get on here everyday and re-read some of my initial posts and plans. Thankful for today and GOD's Grace and Forgiveness. Reading and Studying the book of Romans as I really like the Essential Gospel. Today diving into Romans 5 v3-5. I needed this passage this morning. I am focusing on my "endurance" and "strength" I have built during this journey to help me press on. "This Hope (of salvation) will not lead to disappointment.
Praying for RN and all on this site! Have a great Monday and week!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
So here I sit in frustration, anger, and disappointment. I am going to dive into prayer and the word after this is typed. Grace and forgiveness is hard to understand when you have this addiction. I know I am better than I was but I want to be done with PMO. I really need to get back to my daily habits that led to a strong free PMO journey. I apologize for rambling but it does help to type this out.
I'm feeling much the same way with my recent struggles. It's not easy at all, but I am back and I don't want it to get out of hand again. Even if I mess up here and there, I think coming back here helps to refocus.

Wishing you continued success. And I mean that seriously. You have had a lot of success. So, let's be proud of how far we've come and see if we can build on it.
 
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