Diary of thoughts (24)

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Since your relapses are often connected with you having fantasies, i can recommend you listening to thebrainrebalanced radioshow. They are talking about different aspects of the reboot and i know, that they talk in one show abou strategies to avoid relapsing ans also fantasizing.
I think its show number 2, maybe 1, i am not completely sure.
Furthermore listening to this helped me to distract myself from the urges. Also presentations by Gary wilson on YT helped me with that and at the same time i educated myself more about the topic.


Dont give up, you can do it!
 
Day 1 - 8 Aug
Triggers - staying up late at night & using mobile/laptop

Also I have observed and think that I might be having issues of compulsive masturbation, if that's a thing. As my hand automatically reaches there while I'm not even thinking about it, and many times I wasn't even fantasizing or watching anything even mildly sexual/suggestive. Need to research more on this.
 
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Since your relapses are often connected with you having fantasies, i can recommend you listening to thebrainrebalanced radioshow. They are talking about different aspects of the reboot and i know, that they talk in one show abou strategies to avoid relapsing ans also fantasizing.
I think its show number 2, maybe 1, i am not completely sure.
Furthermore listening to this helped me to distract myself from the urges. Also presentations by Gary wilson on YT helped me with that and at the same time i educated myself more about the topic.


Dont give up, you can do it!
Thanks man, I will surely go through them :)
 
I relapsed again but now I will not reset my days from now onwards. They don't seem to help much. I have this date in my mind - 6 oct, I wanted to not PMO till then, but then I did. So instead I'm gonna keep up with it from now
 
10 years ago I didn't think I would be sitting here, stuck with this thing that has practically done more harm to me than anything else. I just cant seem to get rid of it. Do I have different personalities, one that hates PMO and other that doesn't gives a shit about the first personality. It's a scary thought but I swear to god 10years from now I would never want myself to be stuck with this thing.
10 years is a long shot I don't even want another month. I just want to stop coming here, and here is where I come when I do it again.
 
D

Deleted member 23018

Guest
Sorry to hear about the relapse, but like you said in your opening post you have come a far way and you still do! Keep it up;)
 
Realized that I do get a lot nervous and when I'm nervous I try to do everything perfectly but instead what I am really doing is doing things haphazardly. Also I try to apologize a lot and feel guilt. This is not what normally others do, I doubt whether this is directly related to porn or not. I have started meditating again to calm my nerves and learn to do things at my own pace.
 

W4tchmak3r

Member
Meditation is a great tool to be accept how you are feeling, become at peace with it and be in a place to keep growing from it.

"There are two mistakes to self mastery, not starting and not going all the way". Keep investing to master your health and your time and you will see immense rewards

Take care
 
Porn starts in brain and masturbation starts at touching. These are also the places where they can be stopped, beyond this point it becomes so difficult to stop it, almost as if you don't have any control.

Masturbated today but have been away from porn for quite a few days. Shooting for a week of no PMO, lets meet on 1 Sep.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
touching. These are also the places where they can be stopped, beyond this point it becomes so difficult to stop it, almost as if you don't have any control.
Exactly my philosophy.
Dont touch, dont fantasize, avoid trigger.
If you manage to do that, you should basically be in control.
 
I went to jog today, wanted to do pushups & pullups but was tired so didn't. Didn't meditate today.
I am applying for jobs and preparing for the interview of one. I'm a bit excited by the fact that soon I will start working after this long time of unemployment. Life really starts when you have your own money to spend, due to family problems we are somewhat struggling with getting ends meet so I really need to start working.

Sometimes when I do get lonely, I think about starting to date people but really I can't do this now. Neither will I be in the mood nor I have the resources and time for it right now.

I don't know whether I will be able to enjoy parties and outings like all the people of my age seem to be doing on weekends and occasions. I really haven't enjoyed any that sort of thing. One of the things I do enjoy is trekking, haven't been to one so can't really say, I love mountains and the idea of living in the nature. I'm fed up of cities and all the noise I think that in life what we really need is a small cozy place to call home, good food, good music/movies and few relations with people you can call your own and cherish their company. Not at all close to the standards of instagram posts and reels, I hate them but somehow find myself back there watching that crap, but who's to dictate how you should enjoy life.
 
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96LostWanderer

Active Member
Honestly I read this thread and it's like reading something I've written myself. I'm just one year older than you and can relate to so much of what you've written, including the stuff about hopeless feelings and isolation and not wanting a life full of regrets. I already have plenty of regrets, how long will I keep adding to the list? I've relapsed with porn in the last three days before today. Let's both see if we can avoid porn for the rest of today and the coming days. Together we can do it.
 
Does it really matters what I write? I have these lows and highs what I say 2 hours ago I can be contradicting the very same now. Today I went outside and felt that same dreadful anxiety that I used to feel, this is the reason why I hate shopping. What's wrong with me I thought I had already crossed that bridge never to return. I wasted a lot of time today, nothing just procrastination. These colors doesn't look like what I thought they would when I would write like this. Back to basics.

Sometimes I feel like I have got all covered like this is in my grip, I'm on track and sometimes I just want to curl into a ball waiting for someone to come and help me but I know no one can except me.


I would have killed myself already if there were not all these things that I have to do for the people that love me and I can't love them back enough. I'm not writing this to gain sympathy, don't even try to give me that, I am not suicidal and even if I was there was nothing anyone could do to change that.

I like this song, can relate to it so much..
 
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Rchie99

Active Member
I had many relapses in the past month. Seems so stupid how I think I know everything about me and the problem I have, yet I fail to stop myself from doing it again and again. Will I ever be able to get free from it?
I can strongly relate to this, being aware of your flaws and continuing to foster them. The way in which I have tackled some of my own examples was reaching a point where I was so fed up with them that disposing of them became an easy decision. Obviously it's better to nip these things in the bud though
 
I relapsed a lot in these few weeks, my longest streak till now I think was a little more than a month long. Maybe I would relapse again. My brain has gone haywire and it is expected for I have been using porn for past 10-11 years starting in the most impressionable age when curiosity around sex is at peak.
Neural pathways don't just disappear in a couple of days, and this one has most probably been the most active one. So what can I do is to stick to the most important things that I can control which will make this journey easier

Sleeping : I think I should aim at going to bed at around 11:30-12:00 everyday (my usual is 1-2am sometimes even late than this)
Exercising : Keeping it simple to little jogging in the morning & pushups+pullups+squats in evening
Meditating : 10min in morning & 15min before going to bed (I have earlier thought of just 10min meditation everyday but my anxiety is coming back along with brain fog so I will do 15min extra before going to bed.)

Also to be aware of all the triggers/cues, thoughts/fantasies and emotions.
Lastly to keep working on improving life everyday, maybe adding some discipline in life like defense personnel have.

This is going to take longer than I initially thought. I have to keep going. What's at stake is much more important than few setbacks.
 
After being inspired by another post I'm starting to count days but not just that I will put goals too attached with them.
So today is Day 1 (30 Aug), yes I relapsed. I'm aiming for Day 7 (7 Sep), if I make it till there which I know I can, I am going treat myself with this particular street food I have in mind.

Time to go to bed.
 
Day 2 (6 more to go)

Do you know about Vipassana?
It's a meditation technique where you focus on your breath (I'm at basic level so this is all I know). There's nothing new here right? The interesting part is the technique, here they don't say that you should not think about anything else or should not divert your mind to something other than your breath. But rather they accept the fact that you will get distracted from time to time. The trick is to immediately bring your focus back to the breathing without any judgement or guilt.

I'm gonna use it here in my journey knowing very well that I have relapsed so many times, it is quite possible to do so in future too. But the important part is to come back on this road immediately when I realize that I have made a mistake and not to dwell in that mistake feeling guilt & regret.

And with time I hope that it will get easier to keep my focus on the breath for longer and longer. Looking forward to a better me!
 
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Day 3 (5 more to go)
I have started reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, had it for a long time even started twice but left after 50-60 pages. This time I'm going to finish it, currently at page 110. I love how with total honesty the author writes about the two kids in the story, you can read and totally get it what the protagonist is feeling and thinking. Maybe it happens a lot with fiction I don't know I haven't read much of books.

Now I totally get why people prefer books over movies, I love movies though I didn't like Harry Potter's book version but loved the movie series. But reading this book now I know that a movie on it won't be effective at all, it won't be able to do justice to what is going in the mind of the main character.
 
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