Diary of thoughts (24)

Day 4 (4 more to go)
Last night I started reading the book and I couldn't keep it down. I read it till, I think, 6-7 am in the morning. And slept then and have woken up just now. Haven't read at such a stretch before in my life. I know it is unhealthy and can feel lethargy. It makes me cautious of the day that lies ahead, as it could act as a trigger. Currently I'm at page 300 about to finish the book, on its last couple of pages.

It saddens to think about the fact that somewhere in this world the freedom that we take for granted is a rare privilege. Where the best the people hope for is self preservation and prevention from further degradation. Where people lives are treated like that of insects for reasons an ape would even refuse to consider as logical. And it is happening in our time maybe not in-front of our eyes, and we don't want to look at it because it isn't a comfortable sight. But our ignorance doesn't changes the truth for the kids that are getting robbed of families, their childhood and a good future, and maybe even of the things that I don't want to write here about.

Being a porn addict for the past decade I just indirectly add to their trauma, not directly but still I do. People like me are the ones demanding for porn, which is ever so getting violent. The porn industry is simply feeding our unquenching thirst, churning profits using people who somehow convince us of their satisfaction and pleasure they find in the fake acts but their actual lives are probably beyond our comprehension. Most of them pushed into this industry, coming from broken homes, have been victim to sexual abuse at a young age, trafficked and I don't even know who maybe went through what. It gives us a kick doesn't it? Those acts that our brain thinks as true, filling our brain with dopamine rush, we seeking pleasure from instant gratification of highest intensity trying to fill some or the other void in our lives with it. How can that ever lead to any good? No doubt my life has been no good, cause I have been seeking pleasure, sucking like a leech over the misery of another and I know that this misery is not very evident or obvious when one seeks porn. But we all always knew at some level despite the conditioning that these acts are all fake, the moans, the giggles, the dialogues, the curves, the expression, the humiliation depicted as pleasure. I know we got addicted to it at a young age when our understanding was limited and when novelty and nudity made us loose our heads. And it isn't entirely our fault to be addicted to it, but now at this stage where we do have this understanding we are still going back there. And I know I shouldn't keep going on in this train of thought as guilt in itself can act as a trigger, my brain is f**ked. And I can very well end up going there despite writing a paragraph on how I contribute towards degradation of some peoples life. Some hypocrite I am. Filling the voids in my life with garbage just because it is easy, available and gives a kick. Some garbage I am, I have known that ever since I started watching porn initially subconsciously. No doubt I have anxiety and symptoms of depression.
 
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I had few urges today. Didn't heed to them, had even started touching, happened almost automatically, stopped and diverted my focus to something else.

I finished reading the book. Absolutely loved it and I won't lie 2-3 times in the story while I was reading tears rolled down. It felt so real as if I'm reading a story that actually happened, I want to read more but it's over and I'm happy it did the way it did. I think it will have an impact on me, like my favorite movies, one that I would want to have.
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Rchie99

Active Member
Day 4 (4 more to go)
Last night I started reading the book and I couldn't keep it down. I read it till, I think, 6-7 am in the morning. And slept then and have woken up just now. Haven't read at such a stretch before in my life. I know it is unhealthy and can feel lethargy. It makes me cautious of the day that lies ahead, as it could act as a trigger. Currently I'm at page 300 about to finish the book, on its last couple of pages.

It saddens to think about the fact that somewhere in this world the freedom that we take for granted is a rare privilege. Where the best the people hope for is self preservation and prevention from further degradation. Where people lives are treated like that of insects for reasons an ape would even refuse to consider as logical. And it is happening in our time maybe not in-front of our eyes, and we don't want to look at it because it isn't a comfortable sight. But our ignorance doesn't changes the truth for the kids that are getting robed of families, their childhood and a good future, and even robed of the things that I don't want to write here about.

Being a porn addict for the past decade I just indirectly add to their trauma, not directly but still I do. People like me are the ones demanding for porn, which is ever so getting violent. The porn industry is simply feeding our unquenching thirst, churning profits using people who somehow convince us of their satisfaction and pleasure they find in the fake acts but their actual lives are probably beyond our comprehension. Most of them pushed into this industry, coming from broken homes, have been victim to sexual abuse at a young age, trafficked and I don't even know who maybe went through what. It gives us a kick doesn't it? Those acts that our brain thinks as true, filling our brain with dopamine rush, we seeking pleasure from instant gratification of highest intensity trying to fill some or the other void in our lives with it. How can that ever lead to any good? No doubt my life has been no good, cause I have been seeking pleasure, sucking like a leech over the misery of another and I know that this misery is not very evident or obvious when one seeks porn. But we all always knew at some level despite the conditioning that these acts are all fake, the moans, the giggles, the dialogues, the curves, the expression, the humiliation depicted as pleasure. I know we got addicted to it at a young age when our understanding was limited and when novelty and nudity made us loose our heads. And it isn't entirely our fault to be addicted to it, but now at this stage where we do have this understanding we are still going back there. And I know I shouldn't keep going on in this train of thought as guilt in itself can act as a trigger, my brain is f**ked. And I can very well end up going there despite writing a paragraph on how I contribute towards degradation of some peoples life. Some hypocrite I am. Filling the voids in my life with garbage just because it is easy, available and gives a kick. Some garbage I am, I have known that ever since I started watching porn initially subconsciously. No doubt I have anxiety and symptoms of depression.
Don't be so hard on yourself, pretty much everyone struggles with selfishness. You are on the right path, don't let the burden of your guilt slow you down!
 
Day 5 (3 more to go)
Talking of movies yesterday I feel like I should share some of the ones I remember currently, those which makes me feel good.
  • The Intouchables, 2011 french
  • Life is Beautiful, 1997 Italian
  • Like Stars on Earth, 2007 Indian
  • Barfi, 2012 Indian
  • The Pursuit of Happyness, 2006 Hollywood
  • Little Miss Sunshine, 2006 Hollywood
  • Kung Fu Panda, 2008 Hollywood (animated)
Not so feel-good but underrated movies worth a watch
  • Capharnaüm, 2018 Lebanese
  • Mr Nobody, 2009 Hollywood
  • Portrait of a Lady on Fire, 2019 French
  • V for Vendetta, 2005 Hollywood
  • Grave of the Fireflies, 1988 Japanese (animated)
 
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Having strong urges today. Penis was erect 2-3 times and the first time I went on searching for porn, even started watching one, somehow stopped and kept my phone away. I was alone at home then, my mind sees that as a cue. Also I was about to masturbate, my hand started touching, somehow stopped that too. It is almost as if I lost control, went into autopilot mode, everything happening in 2-3minutes time. As I stopped I am not going to consider it as a relapse. When I stopped I realized I was breathing hard and my heart was beating fast, never realized this before.

Today is going to be tough as just recently I had an urge to M, so I decided to come here and write about it.
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Having strong urges today. Penis was erect 2-3 times and the first time I went on searching for porn, even started watching one, somehow stopped and kept my phone away. I was alone at home then, my mind sees that as a cue. Also I was about to masturbate, my hand started touching, somehow stopped that too. It is almost as if I lost control, went into autopilot mode, everything happening in 2-3minutes time. As I stopped I am not going to consider it as a relapse. When I stopped I realized I was breathing hard and my heart was beating fast, never realized this before.

Today is going to be tough as just recently I had an urge to M, so I decided to come here and write about it.
You did the right thing. A lapse in judgement like this is a good learning oppurtunity, you need to learn how to stop yourself sooner and sooner. Such a goal is definitely feasible for you and any other rebooter reading this
 
Day 0 (8 more to go)
Relapsed, don't want to talk about it. Will reduce the time I spend here & total on screen.
Made the mistake of staying awake for long.

Reminding basics: sleep on time + meditation + exercise
 
Day 0
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Disappointed with myself. I joined this place on April 20, today is Sep 4. That's 5 months, or 157 days and I couldn't even stay away from PMO for a stretch of whole one month during this period. Again aiming for next 7 days will keep increasing it.
 
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I have this feeling that porn has taken away my memories, it has made my mind dull to the point where I can't remember a lot of things. This might sound as rubbish to some but I have instances where I started getting few memories back when I was away from PMO for a stretch of time. Also after relapsing for past few times I have started feeling this tension in my brain like something is stuck or blocking inside the parts of my brain. I know you can't feel your brain and it must be my imagination. But I have lost all those memories that people have, sometimes I feel so blank, nothing to talk about, nothing to go back to. I tried to think about few things today, places I have been and I don't remember most of it. Where are my happy memories? I have repeated all the bad ones a thousand times checking out the minutest details and here I can't remember my happy memories.

Preserve, preserve your memories.
Especially the happy ones.
 
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Rchie99

Active Member
You're not speaking rubbish, I can relate for what you're saying. I'm confident that there is a scientific basis for this phenomenon
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I have this feeling that porn has taken away my memories, it has made my mind dull to the point where I can't remember a lot of things. This might sound as rubbish to some but I have instances where I started getting few memories back when I was away from PMO for a stretch of time. Also after relapsing for past few times I have started feeling this tension in my brain like something is stuck or blocking inside the parts of my brain. I know you can't feel your brain and it must be my imagination. But I have lost all those memories that people have, sometimes I feel so blank, nothing to talk about, nothing to go back to. I tried to think about few things today, places I have been and I don't remember most of it. Where are my happy memories? I have repeated all the bad ones a thousand times checking out the minutest details and here I can't remember my happy memories.

Preserve, preserve your memories.
Especially the happy ones.
It ain't rubbish, man, this has happened to me too. I mean, my memory works like this: I remember things from my past but most of the time I can't tell you when they happened, what grade I was in school or stuff like that, not even what season it was. I wonder if 16-17 years invested in this porn world have something to do with it. The thing is, porn affects the brain. It affects mental health, erection etc.
 
Day 1, was a busy Sunday today. Just realized that I haven't been meditating for past couple of days, will do it today. Couldn't exercise also, just did some pushups right now. Still have a lot of things to do, I am taking a lot of initiatives in my college (masters) so have some responsibilities. I also head a team but it has been getting difficult in successfully delegating the work or motivating them to do tasks so I have been doing extra to compensate the lack. No thoughts related to porn today, that's good. My concentration levels are very low if I compare to what I used to have while I was in high school.
 
Day 2 : nothing much to share, had some thoughts as I was alone at home today, ignored them.
Feeling sleepy. Difficulty in following through work & classes.

P.S. Maybe happiness is not something to be found, but created.
 
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Day 3 : I haven't seen much dreams for a long time, most probably I do have them while sleeping but I don't remember them. I have just woken up from an evening nap, and I had a dream. One that I remember, one that I wish I didn't, like all the others. In this one people were dying not just any people like they do everyday, a statistics for news channel, but people that I know. They weren't dying horrific deaths, no, just passing by into non-existence. I don't know why it was happening all I know is I am on a journey to find few people that are somehow related to us but I don't have much deep bonds with them. Why am I going to meet them I don't know, but they are going somewhere and I have to meet them and they are already waiting for us to join, they are most probably travelling to survive whatever is that which is killing everybody. I remember seeing lots and lots of vintage railroad cars. Those people are also in one of them. So before I left I saw my cousin dead who I used to play with when I was a kid, we have separated now but when I was just a kid he was the one friend that I had and he had me. He was just there lying peacefully, and there was nothing I could do. I hear people talking but I don't know what they are creating the fuss about, I remember just keeping my head on his chest while he lies there wishing it moved. The next what I hear is that my mother is also dead, I didn't see her at all because we had just left for the journey, and she really wants us to go and join them. I have one more person with me, probably some relative, I imagine a boy about my age. So we are already on the way and it wasn't any easy way to the end, I remember having to struggle to find the way and finally we eventually board the railway car in which my relatives are. I see my whole dream in a post apocalyptic world. We didn't board the railway from a station we boarded the railway while it was moving from the help of another railway car which was tattered and had seen some serious accidents. I remember just coming across those people sitting close to each other in a small space. I remember seeing an old Kashmiri woman I saw in a show on TV called lost recipes (she looks very similar to my grandmother). And there were two black earthen pots on the floor lying on something glowing red, probably burning coals. And then somebody calls us and asks if we are hungry and we were, so we said yes. She was a woman, friend of my mother. And I remember her treating us very well, we have reached our destination eating food in a railcar filled with people I know. And while serving she says that your mom said that she would let you eat her leftover food if that saves you. I don't know what it really meant but I think that it is some form of disease which is spreading and by eating the food she ate I would have developed some form of immunity to it. And I replied to her that it is not true because when we left my mother was already dead and it is not possible that she would have gotten any chance to talk to her after I left. And saying this tears rolled down from my eyes. She probably knew my mother was dead and thought I didn't know so she was trying to hide it from me, at least till the time we were having food.

I woke up with the tears. The dreams don't mean much to me I just view them as random thoughts. But this one made me feel something, something that I don't think I was capable of experiencing/feeling. The pain from the death of someone close. I had hard time in showing emotions although I do feel them deeply. I have been apathetic for most of my growing years, even now. And the thought of losing someone you really don't want to just moved something in me. I felt the loss, loss of all the things that could have been done had they been alive.

Life is so short, so fragile, and there is pain in it.
 
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My first mobile phone was Samsung B2100 Marine. I absolutely loved it. It was built to last, literally. It was waterproof (or maybe spill-proof), it was shock proof, it had amazing battery life. It was also the phone on which I first watched porn. Barely 2 inches of viewing screen. I remember it was late night, I had 2g data pack on my phone and I typed "sex vids". I wasn't able to sleep that night, I was sweating. When I first saw BJ I had a feeling that I might vomit. I didn't saw any videos so I had no idea what they were actually doing, I was just scrolling the page seeing naked people doing disgusting things on thumbnails. Few weeks ago I was fantasizing about BJ, the rough kind, it goes by new names now. And I relapsed after I went to see that. I was thinking today about how I changed from that time to the person not so many days back and how quick the time passes by.
 
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Day 0: I relapsed, I think 5th day is the point where I have to get my defenses strong. I MO without P. There was resistance, I stopped multiple times but most of it was compulsive like I have been doing it for so long that I actually have to make effort to stop whereas the act happens without me even thinking about doing it. I don't feel good though. It was my mistake to not go to sleep on time. I kept awake all the time, binging on movies. My eyes hurt as I have been up all night but I don't want to sleep now. I want to work on the things that are pending.

"A habit is a thing you’ve done enough times that your body is now familiar enough with the process to beat your mind at it."

"The Chains of Habit Are Too Light To Be Felt Until They Are Too Heavy To Be Broken"

Habits are powerful things, they can develop you and they can destroy you.
 
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