Diary of thoughts (24)

Day 1: I didn't see my last relapse as going back to square one. Because there were many things different this time, first there was no P, second I stopped in middle of M multiple times, third after O the first thought was how did that happen I wasn't even aroused? and the last, I didn't go for round two. Let me explain round two, immediately after jerking off I would have started doing again to have O the second time. This as far as I understood from YBOP is because you don't get the same high from one time alone because you have been doing it for so long that brain starts reducing the amount of dopamine receptors, so you go for the multiple rounds.

Time for sharing something from my collection,
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"Ever tried
Ever failed?
No matter
Try again, Fail again.
Fail better !"

"You just can’t beat the person who won’t give up"
 
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Relapsed last night, didn't stop for quite long. Went there 3-4 times Was abusive with myself.

Golden non-negotiable rules to be followed during my reboot journey
  1. Meditate and Excercise everyday
  2. Sleep on time
  3. Don't touch yourself
  4. Don't search or scroll through pornographic material
Factors to be very aware of - alone, stress, emotional distress, bored while surfing on internet.
 
Had relapse, compulsive and abusive behavior. I'm not in control, I'm an addict.

Edit: I read somewhere and understood this, that once an addict will always remain an addict. Because that craving will remain with us, might reduce in its effect but it remains. The neural pathways that formed with years of substance use don't just vanish. So it will be a struggle for years. to come. I am ready to accept this. But no way is this my excuse for not changing, rather it is my reason why I should never quit.
 
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Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.
 

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.

Keep believing you can do better. Aim to beat your last streak but always take it one day at a time, don’t look too far ahead. Ask yourself ‘how will I avoid porn today? What will I do instead?’

I am also used to the relapsing but we need to believe we can overcome this or we never will. Rome wasn’t built in a day and these problems need our attention and patience.

I’m trying to remember that porn is the cause, not the cure.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.
Often a relapse starts in the mind before it actually happens. When you focus on this, you can see it coming. It's the hypersexual thoughts and nothing creates hypersexual thoughts like porn. Any time we give attention to the porn thoughts, dopamine is released like crazy and nothing creates more suffocating urges than high porn dopamine. But you are actually doing something well: You can identify the steps that led to a relapse, it's one of the important parts in recovery. Now not giving attention to hypersexual thoughts needs to be implemented.
 
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