journalnaruto
Member
Just came to this site through YBOP. I'm reading this book and the only thing in my mind is why did I took so long to read it. Im a 24 yr old guy, never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship. I had anxiety coupled with my shy nature even before I started porn. I knew porn was a problem, my daily life got dull. I have watched porn since I was 14, firstly it was because some kids in the school used to talk about it, it was shockingly disgusting and disturbing the first time I watched. Days later I remember going to those sites again and again. I was curious about it, used to watch at night or when alone. There was a lot of guilt I associated with it. I soon get hooked to 3d/anime porn. Later shifted to real life porn and then the type of porn I ashamed of even speaking about. I took a very long time to realize how it was affecting me even during the time I was not watching it. I was a bright kid, I soon didn't care much about things I used to, gave up my hobbies, stop talking to people, didn't make friends, skipped functions & parties. I thought I was depressed along with my anxiety which got worse. This happened very gradually over the years, now that I look back I can see the pattern.
My college days were worst, I hated myself, my college, my course. Anxiety was at peak. I used to sweat a lot. I made few friends but more than enjoying with them I just used to hide in that group. I liked a girl, didn't put enough efforts to approach her. Soon I started getting depressed, I used to reach late in classes. Then I started missing classes, and took leave frequently. At home I wasn't doing much. Honestly speaking I don't know where my time used to go. I took bad career decisions - left my post-grad in middle, stopped going to college altogether and didn't sit for end term exams. Stayed at home for a year. I started going to gym it was a terrifying experience, I didn't even use to make eye contact with anyone and my anxiety levels were at roof, things improved eventually, and it soon turned out to be a one of the best decisions I took. It kept me sane. I don't have any friends near my home, still don't. I have shifted like 4 times and never really was able to make new friends. That year was a waste in my academics and I was constantly thinking about why I am wasting my time. The people I used to study with, were working now and I was doing nothing. I took admission again in another post-grad. I don't say that porn has caused all the problems in my life but a big chunk of it I would do associate with it, especially after understanding how it affects the brain. I'm about to complete my first year in post grad that I took admission in last year. My anxiety levels are much lower now. I'm trying to improve daily. Lockdown due to covid has made it challenging, I can't go to gym now and it used to help me a lot - physically, emotionally, socially. I have tried quitting porn from my school times itself, failed a lot. I quit for days, for weeks and even went up to month. But relapsed again and again. My stress levels, boredom and loneliness all are connected to my porn use, whenever one kicks in I feel an urge to go back to porn. I knew about this book - Your brain on porn for 2-3 years but I started reading it few weeks back. I have quit porn, it has been 2 weeks. I had a relapse 2 weeks ago or it would have been a month of quitting.
I have not given up on masturbating (without porn) but I don't do it everyday either. In about 4-6days I start feeling horny and then I think it is better to release than to wait. As from my experience I had started watching porn again few times by this reason alone.
My life is coming back on track, although there are a lot of things to work on. But I have come a far way, from the place I have been, I have thought about killing myself for a lot of days (I'm not suicidal now), I have silently cried at nights. Remembering those things I can definitely say I am at a much better place, I am able to function somewhat as a normal person. I still don't have friends though, I do have some in my post-grad I talk over phone to. I still feel that I'm not worthy of being loved although I'm working on that part. I have still not started back on my hobbies, actually I don't get time for it.
I'll keep working, I'm in no hurry. And I'm not in the mood of going back there ever again.
Two things that I am going to work over this coming weeks is - sleep pattern (I sleep quite late), and starting meditation along with exercise.
My college days were worst, I hated myself, my college, my course. Anxiety was at peak. I used to sweat a lot. I made few friends but more than enjoying with them I just used to hide in that group. I liked a girl, didn't put enough efforts to approach her. Soon I started getting depressed, I used to reach late in classes. Then I started missing classes, and took leave frequently. At home I wasn't doing much. Honestly speaking I don't know where my time used to go. I took bad career decisions - left my post-grad in middle, stopped going to college altogether and didn't sit for end term exams. Stayed at home for a year. I started going to gym it was a terrifying experience, I didn't even use to make eye contact with anyone and my anxiety levels were at roof, things improved eventually, and it soon turned out to be a one of the best decisions I took. It kept me sane. I don't have any friends near my home, still don't. I have shifted like 4 times and never really was able to make new friends. That year was a waste in my academics and I was constantly thinking about why I am wasting my time. The people I used to study with, were working now and I was doing nothing. I took admission again in another post-grad. I don't say that porn has caused all the problems in my life but a big chunk of it I would do associate with it, especially after understanding how it affects the brain. I'm about to complete my first year in post grad that I took admission in last year. My anxiety levels are much lower now. I'm trying to improve daily. Lockdown due to covid has made it challenging, I can't go to gym now and it used to help me a lot - physically, emotionally, socially. I have tried quitting porn from my school times itself, failed a lot. I quit for days, for weeks and even went up to month. But relapsed again and again. My stress levels, boredom and loneliness all are connected to my porn use, whenever one kicks in I feel an urge to go back to porn. I knew about this book - Your brain on porn for 2-3 years but I started reading it few weeks back. I have quit porn, it has been 2 weeks. I had a relapse 2 weeks ago or it would have been a month of quitting.
I have not given up on masturbating (without porn) but I don't do it everyday either. In about 4-6days I start feeling horny and then I think it is better to release than to wait. As from my experience I had started watching porn again few times by this reason alone.
My life is coming back on track, although there are a lot of things to work on. But I have come a far way, from the place I have been, I have thought about killing myself for a lot of days (I'm not suicidal now), I have silently cried at nights. Remembering those things I can definitely say I am at a much better place, I am able to function somewhat as a normal person. I still don't have friends though, I do have some in my post-grad I talk over phone to. I still feel that I'm not worthy of being loved although I'm working on that part. I have still not started back on my hobbies, actually I don't get time for it.
I'll keep working, I'm in no hurry. And I'm not in the mood of going back there ever again.
Two things that I am going to work over this coming weeks is - sleep pattern (I sleep quite late), and starting meditation along with exercise.
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