Diary of thoughts (24)

Just came to this site through YBOP. I'm reading this book and the only thing in my mind is why did I took so long to read it. Im a 24 yr old guy, never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship. I had anxiety coupled with my shy nature even before I started porn. I knew porn was a problem, my daily life got dull. I have watched porn since I was 14, firstly it was because some kids in the school used to talk about it, it was shockingly disgusting and disturbing the first time I watched. Days later I remember going to those sites again and again. I was curious about it, used to watch at night or when alone. There was a lot of guilt I associated with it. I soon get hooked to 3d/anime porn. Later shifted to real life porn and then the type of porn I ashamed of even speaking about. I took a very long time to realize how it was affecting me even during the time I was not watching it. I was a bright kid, I soon didn't care much about things I used to, gave up my hobbies, stop talking to people, didn't make friends, skipped functions & parties. I thought I was depressed along with my anxiety which got worse. This happened very gradually over the years, now that I look back I can see the pattern.

My college days were worst, I hated myself, my college, my course. Anxiety was at peak. I used to sweat a lot. I made few friends but more than enjoying with them I just used to hide in that group. I liked a girl, didn't put enough efforts to approach her. Soon I started getting depressed, I used to reach late in classes. Then I started missing classes, and took leave frequently. At home I wasn't doing much. Honestly speaking I don't know where my time used to go. I took bad career decisions - left my post-grad in middle, stopped going to college altogether and didn't sit for end term exams. Stayed at home for a year. I started going to gym it was a terrifying experience, I didn't even use to make eye contact with anyone and my anxiety levels were at roof, things improved eventually, and it soon turned out to be a one of the best decisions I took. It kept me sane. I don't have any friends near my home, still don't. I have shifted like 4 times and never really was able to make new friends. That year was a waste in my academics and I was constantly thinking about why I am wasting my time. The people I used to study with, were working now and I was doing nothing. I took admission again in another post-grad. I don't say that porn has caused all the problems in my life but a big chunk of it I would do associate with it, especially after understanding how it affects the brain. I'm about to complete my first year in post grad that I took admission in last year. My anxiety levels are much lower now. I'm trying to improve daily. Lockdown due to covid has made it challenging, I can't go to gym now and it used to help me a lot - physically, emotionally, socially. I have tried quitting porn from my school times itself, failed a lot. I quit for days, for weeks and even went up to month. But relapsed again and again. My stress levels, boredom and loneliness all are connected to my porn use, whenever one kicks in I feel an urge to go back to porn. I knew about this book - Your brain on porn for 2-3 years but I started reading it few weeks back. I have quit porn, it has been 2 weeks. I had a relapse 2 weeks ago or it would have been a month of quitting.

I have not given up on masturbating (without porn) but I don't do it everyday either. In about 4-6days I start feeling horny and then I think it is better to release than to wait. As from my experience I had started watching porn again few times by this reason alone.

My life is coming back on track, although there are a lot of things to work on. But I have come a far way, from the place I have been, I have thought about killing myself for a lot of days (I'm not suicidal now), I have silently cried at nights. Remembering those things I can definitely say I am at a much better place, I am able to function somewhat as a normal person. I still don't have friends though, I do have some in my post-grad I talk over phone to. I still feel that I'm not worthy of being loved although I'm working on that part. I have still not started back on my hobbies, actually I don't get time for it.
I'll keep working, I'm in no hurry. And I'm not in the mood of going back there ever again.

Two things that I am going to work over this coming weeks is - sleep pattern (I sleep quite late), and starting meditation along with exercise.
 
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journalnaruto said:
I still feel that I'm not worthy of being loved although I'm working on that part.

In order for you to feel worthy of being loved, you have to love yourself. We all have to accept that we have a problem and forgive ourselves for the years we wasted, relationships that never happened because we were PMOing alone, or just the general lethargy and inactivity to achieve our goals. I don't blame my porn addiction for all of this and I realize that I need to make changes in other areas of my life, including PMOing.

Have you experienced PIED at all? For me, my PIED and the fear that I will never find a long-term relationship have propelled me to start a new journal. Personally, I'm going to go full monk mode, or frog sage if you will as a naruto fan (minus the pervy part of course). We gotta find what works best for us to abstain from porn. I like that you set aside two goals to work on over the following weeks. As someone who just pulled an all-nighter, I will join you in trying to reset our sleep schedules. I have heard that sleeping can increase our recovery time. What really helps me is binge-reading all the success stories on this board. It helps me stay motivated knowing that others have been cured and that I can do the same too. Best of luck to you.
 
Want to discuss few things, this might help others (i think)

- porn blockers : if you can't stop when the urge comes try porn blockers but also remember they are only speed breakers, only your will power can stop you
- exercising : I can't tell you how much benefit it had on my life, just do it
- sleeping early : as easy it sounds it is as difficult to do (for me at least) but the benefits it has can be seen in the productivity of whole day
- journaling : it helps to at least get your thoughts out on paper
- meditation : it does help in bringing mind to a peaceful state, which helps in taking better decisions and also helps in focusing during work
- keeping phone away from bed : I don't strictly follow this, but many times I have surfed for porn just because I was unable to sleep and started using phone
- social media sites : (this might not be true for you) I have realized that my stress, boredom and loneliness feelings are linked with my urges. Surfing on social media sites and comparing my life with others makes me depressed and triggers my urges not instantly but eventually in the day
- reading : it is so important to be aware of what you are going through (I would strongly recommend "your brain on porn") apart from this read good books that make you feel good (same goes with music & movies)
- masturbating : as a rule I have decided never to masturbate over photos & videos of any kind. But I think masturbating is okay if you feel horny, it is better to release that energy than to be distracted by it whole day and end up surfing porn (edit - I think it is better to give up on it especially if your sexual thoughts are all inspired from porn and you go through them while doing it)
- be alert : you are the one in control not your brain, act like you are your own parent
- make your life bigger : your sole goal should not be to quit porn, then you might end up giving to much attention to it, your life was much richer when there was no porn we aimed for big things when we were kids, remember that - keeping aiming big

:)
 
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I

icanovercome

Guest
journalnaruto said:
Want to discuss few things, this might help others (i think)

- porn blockers : if you can't stop when the urge comes try porn blockers but also remember they are only speed breakers, only your will power can stop you
- exercising : I can't tell you how much benefit it had on my life, just do it
- sleeping early : as easy it sounds it is as difficult to do (for me at least) but the benefits it has can be seen in the productivity of whole day
- journaling : it helps to at least get your thoughts out on paper
- meditation : it does help in bringing mind to a peaceful state, which helps in taking better decisions and also helps in focusing during work
- keeping phone away from bed : I don't strictly follow this, but many times I have surfed for porn just because I was unable to sleep and started using phone
- social media sites : (this might not be true for you) I have realized that my stress, boredom and loneliness feelings are linked with my urges. Surfing on social media sites and comparing my life with others makes me depressed and triggers my urges not instantly but eventually in the day
- reading : it is so important to be aware of what you are going through (I would strongly recommend "your brain on porn") apart from this read good books that make you feel good (same goes with music & movies)
- masturbating : as a rule I have decided never to masturbate over photos & videos of any kind. But I think masturbating is okay if you feel horny, it is better to release that energy than to be distracted by it whole day and end up surfing porn
- be alert : you are the one in control not your brain, act like you are your own parent
- make your life bigger : your sole goal should not be to quit porn, then you might end up giving to much attention to it, your life was much richer when there was no porn we aimed for big things when we were kids, remember that - keeping aiming big

That's all for today :)
 
Sharing my notes from YBOP here :

Hardest victory is over self.

Addiction occurs when reward system loses its balance and becomes over-tuned to prefer a type of reward that is detrimental to wellbeing. Inability to control use and use that interferes with one?s life are two cardinal signs of addiction.

Effects of chronic overconsumption
1. Hyper-aroused to favorite enticements
2. Immediate wants > long term desires
3. Reduce responsiveness & enjoyment to everyday pleasures
4. Lead to seek extreme stimulations
5. Cause withdrawal symptoms
6. Numbed pleasure response ? desensitization
7. Inappropriate behavioral choices, impaired impulse control
? Decreased risk taking, ED, increased anxiety, angry overreaction, hostility, decreased will to socialize, depressive symptoms, inability to focus, lack of motivation & healthy anticipation, procrastination

Variety can lead to overconsumption

Problematic 3Cs
1. Craving - & preoccupation with obtaining, engaging in or recovering from the use of substance or behavior
2. loss of Control ? in using the substance or engaging in the behavior with increasing frequency or duration, larger amounts of intensity or in increasing the risk of use/behavior to obtain the desired effect
3. negative Consequences ? in physical, social, occupational, financial and psychological domains

Rebooting
? Artificial sexual stimulation includes anything that your brain might use in the way it has been using porn
? Deeply etched porn pathways can easily spring back to life
 
I have recognized one more problem that I'm using more and more screens, I am always online on my phone and laptop. Not using porn though and have decided not to masturbate for as long as I can hold without affecting my daily productivity.
Still not able to start with sleeping early goal, but I meditated today and started exercising at home.

Need some tips on how to start conversations with strangers and how to keep it going.
 
Had two relapses this month one after 14 days another after 13 days.
Day 1 today (25Apr), could have stopped myself yesterday but went with the flow. Had I left my room or switched to doing some other task things would be different, I knew it all still didn't stop. Feeling bad about it, but even that could act as a trigger so I am just staying busy now, have a little anxiety & nervousness.
 
I had many relapses in the past month. Seems so stupid how I think I know everything about me and the problem I have, yet I fail to stop myself from doing it again and again. Will I ever be able to get free from it?
 
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

In life, right or wrong when it comes to choices is quite subjective. But there is always some price paid whenever choices are made.
 
my biggest fears are -
  • a life full of regrets
  • not amounting to anything
  • drifting through life never enjoying it
I feel dead already, and there is nothing cool about it. There is this inexplicable pain in my chest. When will I be free of it? I'm tired
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I try to think about things i see in my surroundings. When i see a chair, i try to think about chairs. Or i just rry to observe the things that are surrounding me. Also sport can help. On yourbrainonporn there is also is a whole section just about this topic. A lot of people recommend cold showers or washing of the face or testicles with cold water.
 
I have started sleeping early, some days I do falter but I don't let that affect all the other days. I have also started meditation & exercise, I am not regular at it but I'm trying to be regular. Sometimes I get these fragments of memories coming back to me, not like how it is shown in the movies, but more like "ohh! how come I remember this all of a sudden or did my mind really stored this thing". I think porn has affected my memory and I like getting those random things coming back to me. But I have not really come over my porn use. Sometimes I do watch compulsively and I try not not to do for days but then all of a sudden thoughts start coming to my mind and I somehow rationalize to watch it. After I jerk off I come back to my senses. I really want to give up on it, and I hate that somehow after knowing all I fail to do so.
 
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I have been failing to control it but maybe it is not something that goes away with control. Think about it when does it creeps up? When you are lonely, stressed, upset?
If it does then it is a coping mechanism. It is a coping mechanism for me at least developed in my early teens when my body was changing but I didn't looked good as other guys, when I wasn't as good as other guys at sports or academics, I was unable to make friends and overcome my anxiety in day to day interaction. I used it to turn myself away from the struggles I had, almost as an addict trying to numbing all the pain. So how can it go away when the pain persists? The real issue was not fixed after I knew how it is affecting me, the real issue is that I didn't fill the voids that I had in my life, of relating to friends, relationships and life goals. And till those voids remain it will keep on coming back, haunting me, feasting on me and leaving me drained.
 
Day 1 - 21 Jul
It's late at night I was feeling lonely and thinking about porn just led to me being ended up being there and masturbating to it. Later watched a video on people discussing about their struggles with porn and realized what is written in the message just above this one. Will get my life on track soon. I'm not giving up on myself not now not ever, it's all I got. I am going cold turkey, setting up the target for 60 days, have added an alarm for 21 Sep on phone will probably see you then. Believe it !
 
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