Diary of thoughts (24)

Had relapse, compulsive and abusive behavior. I'm not in control, I'm an addict.

Edit: I read somewhere and understood this, that once an addict will always remain an addict. Because that craving will remain with us, might reduce in its effect but it remains. The neural pathways that formed with years of substance use don't just vanish. So it will be a struggle for years. to come. I am ready to accept this. But no way is this my excuse for not changing, rather it is my reason why I should never quit.
 
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Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.
 

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.

Keep believing you can do better. Aim to beat your last streak but always take it one day at a time, don’t look too far ahead. Ask yourself ‘how will I avoid porn today? What will I do instead?’

I am also used to the relapsing but we need to believe we can overcome this or we never will. Rome wasn’t built in a day and these problems need our attention and patience.

I’m trying to remember that porn is the cause, not the cure.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Relapsed yesterday, started watching porn on my laptop. Was all alone, and had these images going in my head. Started by searching something similar to what I was thinking, couldn't find and I soon went to stuff that was degrading for the opposite sex. My last relapse before yesterday was 6 days before yesterday. Even when I don't watch porn I do start touching myself a few times during the day, have been trying to get rid of those urges and stop it so that I don't end up relapsing through M.

Now I am starting to realize the full extent of my addiction, I couldn't even reach 14 days mark in the last 10 months. I have been relapsing somewhere between the 5-10 days mark. Life seems so dull and depressing when I am away from it that it almost pushes me back and I end up even in the worst state than before when everything is done.
Often a relapse starts in the mind before it actually happens. When you focus on this, you can see it coming. It's the hypersexual thoughts and nothing creates hypersexual thoughts like porn. Any time we give attention to the porn thoughts, dopamine is released like crazy and nothing creates more suffocating urges than high porn dopamine. But you are actually doing something well: You can identify the steps that led to a relapse, it's one of the important parts in recovery. Now not giving attention to hypersexual thoughts needs to be implemented.
 
The name says Diary of Thoughts(24), but I'm 25 now. I have been unactive here for past 5-6months. During all this time I struggled with relapsing, couldn't go past more than 10-14 day streaks. At one point it got worse, as I was self destructing knowing very well what I am going to do and how it will affect me but still doing it anyway, I was at my lowest at that time. I noticed a lot of high and lows during past few months. My relapsing is more spaced out (there is at least 2-3 days gap minimum), I don't think I watched P in any consecutive days. I also recently noticed that I got sick after every relapse that happened after 7-10 day streak, either I got a headache or bad stomach or fever. But for the past few days I have been going really hard mode.

Few things that have helped me in the past few days are mentioned below. I try to follow these almost everyday -
1. educating myself about addiction, triggers, behaviors, methods to overcome, or try writing my thoughts about it
2. meditating few minutes a day, sometimes I couldn't so I downloaded a guided meditation to follow through
3. exercising
4. trying to sleep on time and avoid staying in a closed room

At this point this particular song resonates with what I'm going through and I like to hear it and hope for the time where I can be really me and completely free
 
I realized an important aspect of this website and its relation to relapses, that might make you wanna quit writing here. Firstly, a caveat, this is my personal experience and opinion, which may or may not hold true for you.

As long as I come here to write about my relapses I get a bit of sympathy. And if you are of a victim mentality you might never quit no matter how much you want it. I get to portray myself as the victim of my situations and how I have failed again. I will write the ways in which I want to change. But the cycle will keep continuing. We get a virtual community out here, and if that is the only community we have, we may never want to leave it. (I know you can still stay connected even after succesfully beating your addiction, but which path is more easy?)

Now time for some pros of rebootnation. This site provides what the real world denies, a place to hear you, a community that can understand you in this journey. Whereas disclosing all this outside in the real world may have many consequences, which may aggravate the problem. This website provides a safe heaven and also acts as a guide. I think one should definitely go through some of the stories of people out here to understand what you are going through in a better way, but also be aware that you don't do it in excess. Make sure you don't create more bad habits while dealing with one already and the fact that you are addicted means that you are vulnerable to create them.

Finally I have decided that this will be my last post no matter what. I ain't coming back here to write again about how I failed or suceeded. If I fail I fail alone and if I succeed then thank you all in advance for all the support that I have ever got.
Adios, Goodbye, Sionara, Hasta La vista, Khuda Hafiz, Au revoir, That's all folks...

May you get to be all that you want to be :)
 
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