I kinda always knew that I was addicted to porn, but it wasn't until recently when I realized that I was having erectile dysfunction. And it wasn't until very recently that I realized that it may be related to my porn addiction. I've been prescribed Viagra and Cialis and neither seems to work. Lemme start from the beginning.....
Sooooo....I think I started watching porn in elementary school. Those late-night Cinemax/Showtime movies. I've actually never typed this out or thought about it until this very moment. I was certainly addicted. I would wait until everyone in my house was asleep, sneak out from my bed, turn on the TV, jerk off (for maybe an hour), and then go go bed. They didn't show much of the guy in basic cable softcore porn (versus how much of the women they showed), so I had to use a lot of my imagination. Come to think of it, I think that's why I have a present affinity to straight, softcore porn. I was soon secretly recording some of the movies on VHS tapes and watching them later.
I graduated to Internet porn in 2000, which was around the time I started high school. My family had just moved to a new house/neighborhood and we got our first computer. I hogged the computer for hours. Whenever I was alone, I surfed the Internet for hours, finding a variety of sites and learning how to download videos. And because I was gay and still in the closet, I had to find ways to conceal my usage (hiding porn in folders, clearing the history, etc.). None of it was ever found. I recently asked my brother if he had ever found my porn and he said no. I occasionally stumbled across his (because of how often I used the computer), but he never found mine. My stash was like 50x as large as his.
Because I was still in the closet and found sexual pleasure from porn, I just kept doing what I was doing. I never sought out a real life partner. I downloaded a massive, titanic amount of porn in college. Using the high-speed Internet connection in my college dorm, I was in heaven. Whenever I had free time I was jerking. I even jerked when my room mate was sleeping. That's how desperate I was to jerk. Mind you, I wasn't hooking up with anyone because I was so satisfied with porn, my hand, and lotion/Vaseline lol.
Fast forward to recently. I saved most the porn I had ever downloaded. In total, I think I collected maybe around maybe 13 terabytes of porn. I had quite a collection.
Last year, I came out of the closet and decided to live openly as a gay man. I dated this guy for a few months, and found whenever we were getting intimate, I was able to initially achieve an erection, but was not able to maintain an erection for sex (or practically anything else). I had no clue what the problem was. Then I was introduced to Grindr. Basically sex on demand. And just like with the guy I dated, I was able to initially achieve an erection, but would always lose it. I was perplexed. So, because of the availability of sex with Grindr, I just kept going through guy after guy after guy (maybe an average of 3 guys a week) trying to figure out what was going on. I was finally able to have actual sex for the first time at the ripe age of 35, lol. It was a struggle trying to achieve my erection and then maintain it. But maybe I was having a good day, because I was finally able to. The only issue was that I was unable to ejaculate, which I didn't know was also a problem.
Long story short, I've been through a ton of guys, had very intimate, sexual encounters and have had penetrative sex exactly 7 times. It's very embarrassing when guys want me to....well....do them....and I have to make up some excuse for why I can't. So we do other things.
(I'm safe, on PrEP, and frequently tested, btw)
So I talked to my doctor. He prescribed me Viagra at first. I don't think it worked, even though I unilaterally increased my dose to the highest recommended dose (I'm lying, I exceeded that). All I got was a mild headache and a stuffy nose and no sex to show for it. Then my doctor referred me to a urologist who prescribed me Cialis, which also doesn't work (although I haven't done much experimenting with it).
In my quest to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, I briefly came across some info about porn-related ED. I already knew I was addicted to porn. So in a very impulsive, desperate attempt to fix myself, I deleted all of my porn. Almost a 17-year collection. All of it. OK, 99% of it. I saved my favorite softcore scenes just in case I relapsed....which I did. I knew I would relapse. My goal was to stop watching porn. I lasted a week.
I think the straw that broke the camel's back was a few days ago. I met a guy on Grindr. He sent me a few pictures and a couple of videos. I was instantly turned on. Rock hard. He reminded me of one of my favorite porn stars (which, looking back on it, explains my PIED). I asked him to send me another video. So we met up. You'd think this guy who reminded me of one of my favorite porn stars would instantly turn me on, right? Well, not so much. My brain only likes guys who are on my screen, not in my face. It took me a while to get going (maybe 4 or 5 embarrassing retries), but I was finally able to achieve a firm enough erection to have sex with him. And this was after I had exceeded the recommended dose of Viagra.
I had had enough. I knew that I was broken but was perfectly healthy (per my doctor and urologist). So I decided to do a little more digging into this porn induced ED stuff, and came across some videos on YouTube which brought me here. The videos describe my symptoms perfectly: I can achieve an erection to porn but not if I just touch myself. And with my last encounter, I could achieve a rock hard erection to my partner on a phone screen, but not in real life.
So I'm going for the full reboot. At least 3 months of no porn. And as I understand it, that means no artificial stimuli, but that real life partners don't count, right? I suppose that I need to basically stay away from Grindr because that's basically eye candy. Any tips or advice as to how to go about this? I'm officially on day 1 :-/
Sooooo....I think I started watching porn in elementary school. Those late-night Cinemax/Showtime movies. I've actually never typed this out or thought about it until this very moment. I was certainly addicted. I would wait until everyone in my house was asleep, sneak out from my bed, turn on the TV, jerk off (for maybe an hour), and then go go bed. They didn't show much of the guy in basic cable softcore porn (versus how much of the women they showed), so I had to use a lot of my imagination. Come to think of it, I think that's why I have a present affinity to straight, softcore porn. I was soon secretly recording some of the movies on VHS tapes and watching them later.
I graduated to Internet porn in 2000, which was around the time I started high school. My family had just moved to a new house/neighborhood and we got our first computer. I hogged the computer for hours. Whenever I was alone, I surfed the Internet for hours, finding a variety of sites and learning how to download videos. And because I was gay and still in the closet, I had to find ways to conceal my usage (hiding porn in folders, clearing the history, etc.). None of it was ever found. I recently asked my brother if he had ever found my porn and he said no. I occasionally stumbled across his (because of how often I used the computer), but he never found mine. My stash was like 50x as large as his.
Because I was still in the closet and found sexual pleasure from porn, I just kept doing what I was doing. I never sought out a real life partner. I downloaded a massive, titanic amount of porn in college. Using the high-speed Internet connection in my college dorm, I was in heaven. Whenever I had free time I was jerking. I even jerked when my room mate was sleeping. That's how desperate I was to jerk. Mind you, I wasn't hooking up with anyone because I was so satisfied with porn, my hand, and lotion/Vaseline lol.
Fast forward to recently. I saved most the porn I had ever downloaded. In total, I think I collected maybe around maybe 13 terabytes of porn. I had quite a collection.
Last year, I came out of the closet and decided to live openly as a gay man. I dated this guy for a few months, and found whenever we were getting intimate, I was able to initially achieve an erection, but was not able to maintain an erection for sex (or practically anything else). I had no clue what the problem was. Then I was introduced to Grindr. Basically sex on demand. And just like with the guy I dated, I was able to initially achieve an erection, but would always lose it. I was perplexed. So, because of the availability of sex with Grindr, I just kept going through guy after guy after guy (maybe an average of 3 guys a week) trying to figure out what was going on. I was finally able to have actual sex for the first time at the ripe age of 35, lol. It was a struggle trying to achieve my erection and then maintain it. But maybe I was having a good day, because I was finally able to. The only issue was that I was unable to ejaculate, which I didn't know was also a problem.
Long story short, I've been through a ton of guys, had very intimate, sexual encounters and have had penetrative sex exactly 7 times. It's very embarrassing when guys want me to....well....do them....and I have to make up some excuse for why I can't. So we do other things.
(I'm safe, on PrEP, and frequently tested, btw)
So I talked to my doctor. He prescribed me Viagra at first. I don't think it worked, even though I unilaterally increased my dose to the highest recommended dose (I'm lying, I exceeded that). All I got was a mild headache and a stuffy nose and no sex to show for it. Then my doctor referred me to a urologist who prescribed me Cialis, which also doesn't work (although I haven't done much experimenting with it).
In my quest to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, I briefly came across some info about porn-related ED. I already knew I was addicted to porn. So in a very impulsive, desperate attempt to fix myself, I deleted all of my porn. Almost a 17-year collection. All of it. OK, 99% of it. I saved my favorite softcore scenes just in case I relapsed....which I did. I knew I would relapse. My goal was to stop watching porn. I lasted a week.
I think the straw that broke the camel's back was a few days ago. I met a guy on Grindr. He sent me a few pictures and a couple of videos. I was instantly turned on. Rock hard. He reminded me of one of my favorite porn stars (which, looking back on it, explains my PIED). I asked him to send me another video. So we met up. You'd think this guy who reminded me of one of my favorite porn stars would instantly turn me on, right? Well, not so much. My brain only likes guys who are on my screen, not in my face. It took me a while to get going (maybe 4 or 5 embarrassing retries), but I was finally able to achieve a firm enough erection to have sex with him. And this was after I had exceeded the recommended dose of Viagra.
I had had enough. I knew that I was broken but was perfectly healthy (per my doctor and urologist). So I decided to do a little more digging into this porn induced ED stuff, and came across some videos on YouTube which brought me here. The videos describe my symptoms perfectly: I can achieve an erection to porn but not if I just touch myself. And with my last encounter, I could achieve a rock hard erection to my partner on a phone screen, but not in real life.
So I'm going for the full reboot. At least 3 months of no porn. And as I understand it, that means no artificial stimuli, but that real life partners don't count, right? I suppose that I need to basically stay away from Grindr because that's basically eye candy. Any tips or advice as to how to go about this? I'm officially on day 1 :-/