Becoming who I really am

el_tonto

Member
Hey everyone, I'm Henrique, I'm 19 and come from a small country in Europe called Portugal. My journey with porn goes back a long way but I will try to keep it short (and readable haha).

Ever since I was little, I always had a lot of freedom when it came to computer and internet use. My parents never really monitored what I did there, because they've always trusted me and gave me plenty of privacy. Unfortunately, a kid using the internet without knowing what's hidden there is quite dangerous. I was exposed to porn really early in my life, around 10 years old I think, while innocently browsing the internet. It looked like something I was not supposed to do, but it gave me such a rush I didn't get anywhere else in my life (I was a shy kid, with not that many friends). Eventually I started feeling bad about it but it was already too late: porn was the starting point for my sexuality and what helped me come to terms with my homosexuality; I was addicted. For some time I tried really hard to quit, but I was too young and didn't really know what was happening in my brain. In my late teens, things became different, I just accepted that porn was normal to watch as a teen and that everyone watched it, it was normal. For some time, although oblivious, I was okay with the presence of porn in my life.

Everything changed about a year and a half ago when a friend I made on Instagram started flirting with me and sending me provocative photos. At first I just didn't care much about it and wasn't even attracted to him but one day he sent me a nude photo and I was hooked. The feeling of someone really wanting me sexually, and wanting to show their body to me, it was 1000x more enticing than porn. He was there, talking to me, only me. I sent him photos too and in the glimpse of an eye we were masturbating together online. It all escalated so quickly, it felt so good, so different from all I had experienced sexually before. I had never had a boyfriend before that and almost no sexual experience.

I obviously felt really guilty after that, and just wanted to forget it and him. But boy did I not know what was coming. Some months after, I came across some subreddits where you could meet people for sexting. That mixed with COVID and quarantine was the worst thing possible. I met people just to masturbate, feel guilty and then ghost them. Then weeks later I went back to that, like a cycle, all while still PMO'ing regularly. In the summer I went through a fleeting relationship that put a halt to the sexting but the harsh break-up that followed just worsened it.
In March I decided I had to stop. I was not feeling like myself anymore, I was not that. I read through Your Brain On Porn, lots of videos and success stories and felt so motivated. For that month I didn't sext and neither did I PMO for 2 weeks. But I relapsed with porn and it was like going to the start. A week later I was back at sexting, worse than ever before.

These last few weeks I've been so busy with college but I still relapse after a week or even less. And what's interesting is I haven't watched porn since, but I come back to sexting so easily.
I've been wasting my time, my potential, my dreams. I feel disconnected from my friends, my family, the things I love to do. These days I've either been relapsing or dealing with the things I didn't do because I was sexting. Completely out of touch with myself, my body, now that I've shared it with so many people, without really knowing who they were.

But I can't change the past, what I've done or what has been done to me. I can, however, change the future, the plans I have for me, a beautiful human being who deserves to feel in control of his life. Just as you do.

I'm starting over here, with this jounal, but never giving up. Stay strong!
 

el_tonto

Member
Arantxa said:
Hey, it is nice to see you sharing. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the support!

Day 1 and I'm so glad I made it through with no slip-ups. The first couple of days are usually really hard for me if I'm not completely motivated but reading some posts around here and keeping myself busy helped a lot today. Here's to more days like this :D
 

el_tonto

Member
I think I relapsed, as I was predicting... not being 100% motivated leads me to relapse right away. This morning I couldn't stop thinking about one of my sexting buddies and so I sent him a text, after trying to escape the thoughts all morning. We didn't sext but we ended up flirting a bit. I ended the conversation after a while, feeling guilty and not like myself, and masturbated to clear my mind. I then deleted his contact and blocked him since it was his text the other day that made me relapse.
Even if I sank a little bit deeper, I feel completely motivated to start again, to leave all those people in the past, and take my self into the future. In the afternoon I went for a long long walk and started listening to an audiobook on sex addiction called Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. It opened my eyes to what I've been experiencing and motivated me even more to get back on track.
I hope to listen to a bit more of it tonight and start anew tomorrow.
 

el_tonto

Member
DAY 1
Today was an AMAZING day. I had to study quite a bit and start working on a lab report for college so I was really productive and felt no urges whatsoever. Yesterday I even fell asleep listening to the audiobook I mentioned.
One of my former sexting buddies messaged me and I just told him I couldn't do sexting anymore and told him the truth. It felt really freeing, just being true with myself and others, and embracing this journey.
May I fight even harder tomorrow, because the urges may come when I least expect.
 

el_tonto

Member
DAY 2

Pretty chill day today, I had no urges. However, it was not the best day, I felt really tired and sleepy which led me to feel unmotivated and bored in the afternoon. And... out of boredom I installed Tinder, since I felt so alone and isolated. But just swiping for a bit I felt how ridiculous it was and how that would take me away from my goals. I deleted my account shortly after and went out for a walk while listening to the book Unwanted by Jay Stringer. It was so refreshing and made me wake up again for my true goals. And made me think a lot about my unwanted sexual behavior works, how feelings like futility, anger, unconscious arousal play their parts on how we turn to sex and porn. It's been really awakening and I recommend it to anyone struggling with their broken sexuality.
Recognizing that our behavior is not random, that we're not just crazy and perverts but rather that there is a root to the problem, be it trauma, abandonment, a dysfunctional family, or so many other factors, looking for it in our pasts and connecting all the dots... it's cathartic. It turns something that we thought we were simply doing to something we're doing because we were led there without noticing, it takes a bit of the burden and makes us want to stand up and get to the root of the problem.

(now I'm just rambling haha)
 

el_tonto

Member
DAY 3 (a bit late haha)

Yesterday was a really busy day, I was at college all day, had an exam and went there early to study and be with my friends. It was a great day since I had no distractions whatsoever there and by the time I got home I only had the energy to have dinner, take a shower, meditate and go to sleep :D
Usually after a really busy day out, I feel a bit weak and unmotivated at home the next day but now that I know how it works, I will do my best to keep focused and away from triggers and distractions.
 

el_tonto

Member
I didn't journal yesterday for Day 4 and, you see, there's the problem. My problem is not taking my problem seriously enough, it's recognizing my problem, starting to take action in order to change it but soon after just completely underestimate it. Even when I start taking action I still live my life like there's nothing to change. I still don't plan my days, don't journal because it's late and it's better to watch an episode of my favorite TV show, don't meditate because I'm sleepy, don't pray because God probably won't mind.
I forget that I'm supposed to do all these things for me, not for others, no one's making me do it. But I'm struggling and I need structure and the only one who can give it to me is myself. And to do that, I have to be serious, to plan ahead so I can minimize the triggers and urges and have the power to rise above when they do come.

I relapsed today, of course. But I will never pretend there's nothing to fight for. Perhaps I do have to reach out to a close friend, tell them everything. I will have to try again and again, but I will do it.
 
i relapsed today too after just two days and it was horrible i was masturbating for the third time and wasnt even 50 por cente hard
 

el_tonto

Member
Thanks for the support @pedro chaves !

Hey guys! Haven't been here these last few days but I'm on day 7 today! I've been trying my best to keep up with my good habits and reading about sex addiction, and I must say it's been working.
One thing that has been working for me too is whenever I have a thought about someone from porn I just think "Would I go out on a date with them? Am I interested in them in any way other than sexually?" and somehow those thoughts just seem so much weaker after that. I think it works for me because the type of guy I looked for when looking at porn or sexting was completely different from the type of guy I wanna have a healthy, loving relationship with. If you're in a similar situation, you might wanna give this a try :)
Stay strong everyone!
 
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