I can't put this off any longer

leesdguy

New Member
Hello. So where to begin. Currently in my mid 30s and I started using P when I was around 13/14; started with dial up, magazines, before broadband came along then streaming sites, cam sites, etc. I would say that it has been a nearly constantly disabling or diminishing force in so many ways. I have had numerous relationships over the years but compulsive P viewing has often interfered with my ability to make love and to connect, due to the desensitization and shame. I spent 6 months living in Spain with some other exchange students and whenever they went out to the bars I mostly stayed in, doing the usual. Social anxiety has been both a cause and a symptom of P use. Thinking about it, anxiety (mostly anticipatory) has been a major issue my whole life. I often imagine things will be so much worse than they actually turn out to be.

So I have known P has been a problem for many years. I have made many attempts to quit and have gone for around 2 months before without using it. I have witnessed or felt on these occasions an amazing surge in my personality. My shyness, cynicism, fear seem to evaporate. I am naturally quite an exuberant person. In fact, one of my issues seems to have been falling in love too easily, never considering whether the relationship is really something I want. Acting, I suppose, out of desperation. Having said that, I am fortunate to have had some great relationships over the years so am not in the position of being a virgin, far from it. I have a daughter to one of my exes which is not the easiest situation to navigate emotionally but it's mostly a blessing. But every time I use P, my exuberance, my passion for life, is drained away.

One thing I have never done is posted in a forum like this. I need accountability. I need to remain conscious, to stick at this, to record my journey and hopefully benefit from the encouragement and experience of others. I last used last night and so today in my head it is pure anhedonia, lack of interest, creeping self loathing, social anxiety.

Today is day 1 then. What shall be my aims? No P, very limited M, once a week max. I have blocked adult content on my broadband and mobile and do not have the passwords to change either of these. There are other ways I can access, of course there always are, but at least it is not available in normal conditions. Mindfulness, self knowledge, compassion, being sociable, reading, spending time outdoors. These are essential.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hey and welcome leesdguy.
Its great that you are looking to improve and rid your self of this addiction. Its a huge thing to do and no easy task.
Have you thought about WHY this addiction started? Addiction stems from pain. What is your pain? You need to look at this or you will just return to this addiction or firm another.
I have been doing counselling for over 8 months and have uncovered lots of things I have repressed over the years. Its horrible but also freeing.

Yes be mindful and really try and be one with your thoughts. Even horrible ones. Learn to watch them walk by and know you don't need to follow them.

Have you thought about telling anyone about what you are going through outside of this forum?
 

leesdguy

New Member
Thank you Chris. Honestly, I am not too sure. I didn't have an easy adolescence, moved cities, was bullied, messed around a lot with drugs and drink. I feel like I have always been a bit emotionally unstable, prone to rages, melancholy, paranoia, low self esteem. I am trying to learn that very important lesson that thoughts are not necessarily true. I think I struggle with getting out of my head at times. Self soothing and giving myself positive feedback is something I need to work on.

My sister does know that I struggle with this though I do not talk to her about it regularly. I went to SAA for a while but that was a few years ago now.

I have also noticed a persistent thing over the years. I will not have the courage to approach someone that I fancy and will tell myself that I do not really care. Then later I will use P to comfort myself. I find total abstinence tough. I feel an intensity when I do not use P or M, and there is a focus to it but also a massive tension. So I end up M to calm myself down. But sometimes this triggers a desire for P. It is complicated when an addiction involves the hijacking of a natural drive.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
I think from the sound of it counselling would be hugely beneficial for you. Speaking  through and properly processing your past with the help of a professional will open a lot of doors.
I understand the difficulties chatting to family about these things. Have you other friends with whom you feel you could speak about these things with?
 

leesdguy

New Member
I am seeing a counsellor regularly, it's helpful though perhaps a bit unfocused.

Day two over, my mood has really been low and been struggling with feelings of self loathing, typically these will pass in a couple of days. It seems to be when I am high on life that I am susceptible - on Friday evening I was exuberant and confident. I think sometimes it is not knowing what to do with my passion and somehow feeling the need to deaden it.

I guess what it would be helpful to do is try to anticipate triggers rather than recognise them after I have already lapsed.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
With counselling the amount you get out of it depends on the amount you put in. My best sessions have been when I taken down my armour the best I can.
When you are having the self loathing spells how dies that feel? Do you hear/feel a voice f8lling you with this self hatred? How does it manifest for you?
Yeah figuring out your triggers will be a game changer. For example work stress is a big ind for me so I try and work on calling that out and talking it through with my partner before it gets any bigger. Not an art form that I gave perfected but it helps.
 

leesdguy

New Member
Take down my armour...

The time I most seem to be triggered is when I am high on life, when I am feeling good just because, on the whole, my life is pretty good. I have a job I don't mind, I have money in the bank, I have some good friends, I have a lovely daughter and am friends at least with the mother, I have a good relationship with my family. And I have my health. I also have a long distance girlfriend.

Yet... sometimes my mind feels like pure chaos. It is strange to write about it now as I don't feel any chaos. When self loathing takes hold this negative self image that I have seems to become utterly real. I feel terrible about all the decisions I have made in my life, feel like my family think badly of me. I feel like I don't love my girlfriend, that I am with her because it was easier to stay together. I feel bad because the mother of my child raises my daughter on her own. But again, I don't feel these things now. I feel like life is a blessing, that it may be complicated but there are many positives.

Having said that, there are other triggers. Stress, loneliness. And the many times when I have not been bold enough to approach a woman and have resorted to P as a consolation.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Where do you think the self loathing stems from though?
I think when you really sit down and analyse life things pop up that you have pushed way down. Things that are difficult to process. I know it has for me but part of healing is learning to be fully honest with yourself.
 
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