HOCD, escalation and suicidal thoughts

[Robert_GRJ]

*sorry for my bad English*





I'm a 21 years old male and from the age of 12 - 13, I've been masturbating almost every day till now. I consider myself straight and I've always liked only women. It started with normal porn, but for the last 2 years or so (around 2018) I escalated to more weird things. At first, it was a more violent type of porn, like BDSM or bondage, but it got worse. From BDSM to rape, incest, torture(fake of course), then to transsexual porn. I felt horrible, but the urge of masturbation taken over me. I've tried to stop watching porn, but I couldn't. I didn't think too much of my porn addiction until 2018 when things escalated to worse. I started watching even more extreme stuff like gore, snuff (fake) things to feel aroused.

Fast forward to mid-2019 to 2020 when things got much worse. I started watching gay porn, very rarely, but till that point, I couldn't stand this kind of porn, even when I watched straight porn when the guy's face appeared I changed the video immediately because I felt disgusted.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with gay people and I will never have.

In April last month a thought struck my mind, Am I gay?'' and the worse period of my life began. I started to search online about this to find more information. I've read about HOCD and those symptoms related to 80% of what I felt at that moment. Anxiety, stress, intrusive thoughts and feelings, and my case even depression and insomnia. I started to seek reassurance to stop this mess, but it got even worse to the point of thinking about suicide. I would NEVER in my life do this in reality with a person, not even in a million years.

All my life I liked women and now I don't even know who I am. After multiple searches online I've seen a lot of people saying that this is a part of me that I kept hidden and now it comes to the surface and I should accept it. When I see these comments or posts feel like my life is going down. I've cried and I got to the point where suicide was the only option. I couldn't live seeing myself or come out as gay or bisexual. This wasn't me. My life was ruined.

I never looked to a man sexually or emotionally or imagined myself being in a relationship with one. When I think about this, even for a couple of seconds, I feel like my depression and anxiety are getting worse and worse. .

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I cannot breathe from so much stress. My suicidal thoughts are increasing by the day. Now even when I hear the word, gay'' I feel like my anxiety is rising and my breath is cut. If someone had a case similar to mine, please tell me what to do. Is it from porn addiction or something else?

 

[journalnaruto]

Most probably you are not gay. It's porn that is messing with your brain. It's normal when you get addicted to porn you shift to more "exciting" porn that pumps up dopamine in your brain. For the lack of a better word I am saying "exciting" here, but what I really mean is that it is a kind a porn that might be actually causing you stress and anxiety but now even that is getting associated with arousal, and is seen as arousal by your brain.

 

[Jeks]

I myself did never expperience something like this, but many on this forum did. Maybe you can type in the search section for HOCD to find some of those posts.
The way you are talking about your progression makes me think, that porn could have definitely something to do with it. I even have a friend, who made similar experiences with porn, but he has no such hard time with it, because he is sure, that he's not gay.
If you have suicidal thoughts, you should probably seek professional help.
To test, if your arousal to gay or trans porn is "real", you need to stop watching porn and see, if things are changing for you. Developed fetishes by porn can be reversed.
For more information you can go to yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck man and dont loose hope. However things turn out, there will be a way for you to live a happy life.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

I myself did never experience something like this, but many on this forum did. Maybe you can type in the search section for HOCD to find some of those posts.
The way you are talking about your progression makes me think, that porn could have definitely something to do with it. I even have a friend, who made similar experiences with porn, but he has no such hard time with it, because he is sure, that he's not gay.
If you have suicidal thoughts, you should probably seek professional help.
To test, if your arousal to gay or trans porn is "real", you need to stop watching porn and see, if things are changing for you. Developed fetishes by porn can be reversed.
For more information, you can go to yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck man and don't lose hope. However things turn out, there will be a way for you to live a happy life.

Thanks for your answer! I'll try to stop masturbating for 90 or more days and see what will happen. I hope to turn my life good!

 

[Robert_GRJ]

I myself did never expperience something like this, but many on this forum did. Maybe you can type in the search section for HOCD to find some of those posts.
The way you are talking about your progression makes me think, that porn could have definitely something to do with it. I even have a friend, who made similar experiences with porn, but he has no such hard time with it, because he is sure, that he's not gay.
If you have suicidal thoughts, you should probably seek professional help.
To test, if your arousal to gay or trans porn is "real", you need to stop watching porn and see, if things are changing for you. Developed fetishes by porn can be reversed.
For more information you can go to yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck man and dont loose hope. However things turn out, there will be a way for you to live a happy life.

Thanks for answering! I hope so, now when I start and think about it, I remember watching more disgusting things than. gay/transexual porn that I don't want to mention. It destroyed me till the point when I have an erection from every exciting stuff that is nonrelated to porn or sexuality which sucks. And now this thing with gay/transexual porn which turn my life from bad to worse.

 

[Jeks]

90 days are most likely not enough, but a first good step. Most importantly you have got to stop watching porn.
Good luck

 

[Robert_GRJ]

90 days are most likely not enough, but a first good step. Most importantly you have got to stop watching porn.
Good luck

Thanks! Yeah, I know it will be not enough, but if I hit 90 days I'll try to go double without a relapse.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

Ok, I've tried to give up on porn, but boy it's hard. I lasted without it for 6 days. But considering that for 7 - 8 years I masturbated almost every single day, it's progress.

My mental health is in the same state, but I noticed that my anxiety is not so bad like a month ago even though I'm still in a very bad place. My main problem, questioning my sexual orientation, still is ripping me apart.

I still think that one day, if I realize that I am gay/bisexual I'll commit suicide. And the worst part is I know myself, I know that even if I go to a therapist and he tries to convince me that being this way is not a bad thing, I'll still not see myself in a relationship (sexually or emotionally) with a man. Is like a part of my brain rejects the idea and another part is trying to convince me that this is something I should turn on.

Man, when I think about my life 3 months ago and how careless I was about this subject of sexuality, knowing that I'm straight, looking at girls pictures, talking to them...and now I'm in this state that when I watch a man I start overthinking if I'm aroused, attracted in some way. I can't concentrate on anything and my life is going down day by day.

One thing that I was thinking about lately is what type of porn I escalated in the last years. I saw a lot of comments on Reddit and other articles that your porn tastes reflect your sexuality and behavior. When I think about what kind of messed up stuff I watched over the last 3 years, when this escalation started, I think about gore, snuff, torture, incest, animal porn, rape and even ,,c'' porn, of course FAKE, that made felt aroused.

If I will go after that statement that means I would a gay pedophile with criminal instincts who sees sexual pleasure only in torture, rape and taboo without thinking back. Well, I'm not that type of person, one thing that kept me away from these thoughts was that all these years I viewed pornography just as a fantasy, not as something that would actually happen in real life and something that doesn't reflect truly who I am.

Well, I'll try to strat again tomorrow.

 

[mrwhitecloud21]

Ok, I've tried to give up on porn, but boy it's hard. I lasted without it for 6 days. But considering that for 7 - 8 years I masturbated almost every single day, it's progress.

My mental health is in the same state, but I noticed that my anxiety is not so bad like a month ago even though I'm still in a very bad place. My main problem, questioning my sexual orientation, still is ripping me apart.

I still think that one day, if I realize that I am gay/bisexual I'll commit suicide. And the worst part is I know myself, I know that even if I go to a therapist and he tries to convince me that being this way is not a bad thing, I'll still not see myself in a relationship (sexually or emotionally) with a man. Is like a part of my brain rejects the idea and another part is trying to convince me that this is something I should turn on.

Man, when I think about my life 3 months ago and how careless I was about this subject of sexuality, knowing that I'm straight, looking at girls pictures, talking to them...and now I'm in this state that when I watch a man I start overthinking if I'm aroused, attracted in some way. I can't concentrate on anything and my life is going down day by day.

One thing that I was thinking about lately is what type of porn I escalated in the last years. I saw a lot of comments on Reddit and other articles that your porn tastes reflect your sexuality and behavior. When I think about what kind of messed up stuff I watched over the last 3 years, when this escalation started, I think about gore, snuff, torture, incest, animal porn, rape and even ,,c'' porn, of course FAKE, that made felt aroused.

If I will go after that statement that means I would a gay pedophile with criminal instincts who sees sexual pleasure only in torture, rape and taboo without thinking back. Well, I'm not that type of person, one thing that kept me away from these thoughts was that all these years I viewed pornography just as a fantasy, not as something that would actually happen in real life and something that doesn't reflect truly who I am.

Well, I'll try to strat again tomorrow.

hey man, i think i have been going through a similiar situation with questioning sexual orientation.
Im 27 and for probably the last 4 plus years iv had this really conflicting idea that i am into trans women. For a long time i was watching nothing but trans pornography. It defiantly confused the hell out of me and made me depressed and bascially made me question if i was gay all along. It got to the point that i have seen 3 or 4 trans escorts and each time walked away repulsed and pretty mentality messed up. The more hardcore and out there porn i watch the more mentaily confsed i get and the more this idea niggles at me that i am bi. if you stop porn for a while everything might become claerly at a deeper level

 

[Robert_GRJ]

hey man, i think i have been going through a similiar situation with questioning sexual orientation.
Im 27 and for probably the last 4 plus years iv had this really conflicting idea that i am into trans women. For a long time i was watching nothing but trans pornography. It defiantly confused the hell out of me and made me depressed and bascially made me question if i was gay all along. It got to the point that i have seen 3 or 4 trans escorts and each time walked away repulsed and pretty mentality messed up. The more hardcore and out there porn i watch the more mentaily confsed i get and the more this idea niggles at me that i am bi. if you stop porn for a while everything might become claerly at a deeper level

Thanks, I'll see what happens in the next few months.

 

[IamMayor]

Hey man, I just want to say that I am truly sorry you are going through all this. I know its tough trust me, I also got to that point but i never mentioned it in my journal honestly i felt like if I didn't believe I was having such a conflict it didn't exist now I can laugh at how silly that was but really its an issue that exists amongst hardcore P consumers.

Trust me if you know you are straight you are, if you were bi or gay you would have noticed thats ages ago ,i think, I don't really know how this works but during puberty something must have come up.

So i encourage you to stop worrying about your orientation right now and just focus on getting off PMO entirely. As time goes on things will start making more sense.

Goodluck.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

Hey man, I just want to say that I am truly sorry you are going through all this. I know its tough trust me, I also got to that point but i never mentioned it in my journal honestly i felt like if I didn't believe I was having such a conflict it didn't exist now I can laugh at how silly that was but really its an issue that exists amongst hardcore P consumers.

Trust me if you know you are straight you are, if you were bi or gay you would have noticed thats ages ago ,i think, I don't really know how this works but during puberty something must have come up.

So i encourage you to stop worrying about your orientation right now and just focus on getting off PMO entirely. As time goes on things will start making more sense.

Goodluck.

Thanks! Yeah, but it's killing me inside on a daily basis. I feel like I lost a good part of my attraction to women. I don't know how to explain, 2 months ago I was so much into women even obsessed and now... I think anxiety, fear and depression have to do at some level. I'm still aroused by straight porn, but not at the level I was a few years ago.

When I was in high school and after that, till 2 months ago, I was a ,, walking horny bomb'' when I would notice an attractive girl or woman. And now, huh, I'm in this position

 

[IamMayor]

Thanks! Yeah, but it's killing me inside on a daily basis. I feel like I lost a good part of my attraction to women. I don't know how to explain, 2 months ago I was so much into women even obsessed and now... I think anxiety, fear and depression have to do at some level. I'm still aroused by straight porn, but not at the level I was a few years ago.

When I was in high school and after that, till 2 months ago, I was a ,, walking horny bomb'' when I would notice an attractive girl or woman. And now, huh, I'm in this position

I am really happy for you, you are going through all this, don't get me wrong, it sucks yes but you are actually going through the whole process and that is what it is. A reboot was never meant to be a walk in the park. It turns escaping cowards into men who have to face their inner demons and lack .

Its only now i am in a good place i can say this, i still remember complaining about almost everything and I am glad i did, the help i got there was immeasurable .

Also remember you are not a teenager anymore no need to be horny all the time, you might have been hooked to P but your body did not stop its natural development. A total loss of interest in Women is completely normal and once you are done with your reboot you will notice your interest will change taste in the sense of what it wants and needs from Women .

Just hang in there man, embrace the pain it will give rise to a new you that will shock you as well.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

I am really happy for you, you are going through all this, don't get me wrong, it sucks yes but you are actually going through the whole process and that is what it is. A reboot was never meant to be a walk in the park. It turns escaping cowards into men who have to face their inner demons and lack .

Its only now i am in a good place i can say this, i still remember complaining about almost everything and I am glad i did, the help i got there was immeasurable .

Also remember you are not a teenager anymore no need to be horny all the time, you might have been hooked to P but your body did not stop its natural development. A total loss of interest in Women is completely normal and once you are done with your reboot you will notice your interest will change taste in the sense of what it wants and needs from Women .

Just hang in there man, embrace the pain it will give rise to a new you that will shock you as well.

Thanks! I hope that things will get better in the next few months.

 

[fapstronaut007]

Hey,
Iam on a very similar boat as you are, I do not wish to demotivate you or anything , but just want to let you know you are not alone. If you check my posts, you will find out that about 6 years ago I first started getting my HOCD thoughts, it was torture back then, similar to what you describe. To get rid of the thoughts, I started trying to accept maybe iam gay, but I always knew I wasn't (and you will too as you just said you aren't interested emotionally in the same gender), and today I can tell you for certain iam not.
BUT that did come at a huge cost,
I am still suffering from severe porn addiction to transexual porn.
My coping mechanism to escape from HOCD was to completely dwell into transexual porn,
I get weird gay thoughts --> fap to transsexual pornography --> reassure myself that Iam only attracted to femininity --> repeat cycle .
This was probably one of the worst ways to deal with it, but I was too afraid to be judged and couldn't tell this to anyone around me, so I did what I could to end the nightmare of HOCD. My HOCD did go away in matter of months tho, but have been stuck with this new genre of porn addiction for years.
This might not exactly be something you want to read as this isn't a success story ,rather a failure in a way, but my only intention is to tell you that you are NOT alone and you DO matter. So please do not even think of anything as horrible as suicide. Think of all your loved ones, parents , siblings , friends, relatives and the amount of pain they would have to carry for the rest of their lives. And besides, you've got a lot of beautiful things to experience in life.
Though I may not exactly be a good example for you as iam also struggling with my own issues, I can be a bad one and tell you, do not do what I did.
If I could change one thing during that time, would be to not substitute my HOCD thoughts with transexual porn, rather just stay away from porn altogether ,or reach out to friends who may understand or seek professional help ( which would be a lot better than trying to solve mental health issues on our own).
If you still want to do it on your own, The only way to be truly free, would be to completely stop watching pornography and let your mind heal. This is something iam still struggling with, but I know for certain this will work.
Iam currently 22, make good money, not unhealthy(not fit either). Nobody would suspect a thing is wrong with me,(though I do have severe social anxiety as well, and manage to hide it somehow, but the result being I do not have a lot of friends). I have never stopped once during the past 6 years to try quit pornography and I never will untill the day I succeed. I was not active on this forum for a long time , but just after just losing my streak of about 25 days , I came back here to remind myself that iam failing my 17 year old self . I came across your post and couldn't help notice how similar a lot of us are and that pornography or any form of instant gratification for that matter can really mess with our mind.
My two cents for you to take away from here would be to quit porn like almost everyone else here just said and which iam also trying to do, and iam confident you will be at peace with yourself.
As for the HOCD Symptoms, I know you must feel like you need reassurance from someone to tell you you aren't gay, that certainly would help for a while and then you go back to the self doubt. So just let the thoughts come, say who cares if iam and do something else. Have that i don't care who tf iam sexually attitude and stay away from porn. The mind MAY try to force you to fap to regular porn just to reassure you aren't gay, don't fall for it like I did.
I will also try my best to abstain from pornography once more , and will succeed someday. All the best in your journey , and remember, you willl be fine very soon and will go on to live a great life just the way you want to.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

Hey,
Iam on a very similar boat as you are, I do not wish to demotivate you or anything , but just want to let you know you are not alone. If you check my posts, you will find out that about 6 years ago I first started getting my HOCD thoughts, it was torture back then, similar to what you describe. To get rid of the thoughts, I started trying to accept maybe iam gay, but I always knew I wasn't (and you will too as you just said you aren't interested emotionally in the same gender), and today I can tell you for certain iam not.
BUT that did come at a huge cost,
I am still suffering from severe porn addiction to transexual porn.
My coping mechanism to escape from HOCD was to completely dwell into transexual porn,
I get weird gay thoughts --> fap to transsexual pornography --> reassure myself that Iam only attracted to femininity --> repeat cycle .
This was probably one of the worst ways to deal with it, but I was too afraid to be judged and couldn't tell this to anyone around me, so I did what I could to end the nightmare of HOCD. My HOCD did go away in matter of months tho, but have been stuck with this new genre of porn addiction for years.
This might not exactly be something you want to read as this isn't a success story ,rather a failure in a way, but my only intention is to tell you that you are NOT alone and you DO matter. So please do not even think of anything as horrible as suicide. Think of all your loved ones, parents , siblings , friends, relatives and the amount of pain they would have to carry for the rest of their lives. And besides, you've got a lot of beautiful things to experience in life.
Though I may not exactly be a good example for you as iam also struggling with my own issues, I can be a bad one and tell you, do not do what I did.
If I could change one thing during that time, would be to not substitute my HOCD thoughts with transexual porn, rather just stay away from porn altogether ,or reach out to friends who may understand or seek professional help ( which would be a lot better than trying to solve mental health issues on our own).
If you still want to do it on your own, The only way to be truly free, would be to completely stop watching pornography and let your mind heal. This is something iam still struggling with, but I know for certain this will work.
Iam currently 22, make good money, not unhealthy(not fit either). Nobody would suspect a thing is wrong with me,(though I do have severe social anxiety as well, and manage to hide it somehow, but the result being I do not have a lot of friends). I have never stopped once during the past 6 years to try quit pornography and I never will untill the day I succeed. I was not active on this forum for a long time , but just after just losing my streak of about 25 days , I came back here to remind myself that iam failing my 17 year old self . I came across your post and couldn't help notice how similar a lot of us are and that pornography or any form of instant gratification for that matter can really mess with our mind.
My two cents for you to take away from here would be to quit porn like almost everyone else here just said and which iam also trying to do, and iam confident you will be at peace with yourself.
As for the HOCD Symptoms, I know you must feel like you need reassurance from someone to tell you you aren't gay, that certainly would help for a while and then you go back to the self doubt. So just let the thoughts come, say who cares if iam and do something else. Have that i don't care who tf iam sexually attitude and stay away from porn. The mind MAY try to force you to fap to regular porn just to reassure you aren't gay, don't fall for it like I did.
I will also try my best to abstain from pornography once more , and will succeed someday. All the best in your journey , and remember, you willl be fine very soon and will go on to live a great life just the way you want to.

Thanks for the message! It's very hard when pornography became something that you need daily like in my case. It's something that was and is a part of my life. I grew up with this and it ,,infiltrated'' deep into my mind.

As for the HOCD, yeah, I seek reassurance almost every day. Sometimes it works and for a few days my anxiety, fear and depression decrease by maybe 60% and after this short period the thought of being gay/bisexual strikes again and every time this happens is worse than the last time. Because of this my mental health is going down, I don't have any motivation to do anything, I get angry very fast, I'm frustrated with my life in general and worst of all, I think that my life is not worth living anymore which this thought scares me the most.

My last 2.5 years have been a hell for me: health problems, low self of esteem, problems with my exams at college, depression and when I think now the worst of all LONELINESS. I felt so alone, I wanted to have a relationship with a girl, but the fear of being rejected, that I'm not in her ,,league'' made to take a step back. I did this all my life when it comes to relationships with girls. I always felt like I'm very ugly and no girl would want to be with me. And what did I do? I got extremely hooked up with pornography.

What happened 2 months ago with this HOCD thing was the cherry on top. Now I hope to turn my life around, to find a girl and live my life peacefully.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

In the last weeks I feel like the anxiety dropped a little bit, but it's still strong and it's killing me inside. As for stopping from watching porn...well...I could not PMO for max 6 days and then at every 2-3 days I would do it again. It's hard, but now I swear it's the last time. If quitting PMO it's the last chance to be a better person in my sexual and private life, to have a healthy sexual life and experiences with women and boost my confidence, I'LL DO IT NO MATHER WHAT.

I'm sick and tired of so much questioning, reassurance and searching. I'll stop doing this ,,every day searching for reassurance''. The only thing that does is making me much more anxious and depressive. We'll see what happens in the next few months.

 

[IamMayor]

Keep fighting man, i can't believe it took me a year to actually stop and be where i am at now. I used think i was exceptional, like that guy who figured P was ruining him and just decided to quit and its rainbows and unicorns after that ...oh hell nah I will suck for a while but its the will to Keep on fighting that helped me . I wish the same or even better for you, patience is always the key.

I think since you know your maximum is 6days for now, try making it to seven , even if you relapse after that just try not to binge and go back again and this time try 10 days. Cold turkey is ideal but nothing ever goes right in this accursed world (quoting my favorite anime villain) so just take it step by step.

 

[Letskeeppornbehind]

hello robert,
First of all I encourage you to watch this video (link is posted) as this video, for sure is going to let all your doubts fade away or you might actually start questioning your doubts.
I am also in the same situation , but trust me these are only thoughts. The best thing to do is not to dwell on them and see them more as they come and let them go , also try to meditate and become aware of your thoughts as they come.

 

[Robert_GRJ]

Ok. So this anxiety is killing me. Every time I see a guy online, in a movie or everywhere, I question myself if I'm attracted to him. But the only thing I feel at the moment is a pressure on my heart, like someone is trying to crush my heart and from what I feel is from the anxiety. If I stare for too long I start to breathe heavily and start to panic more. After this all episode is starting to fade away, my depressive state is increasing.

I thought that I might be a bisexual in denial, but I've tried to accept that and the only thing it did was to increase my anxiety and depression and pushed me to attempt suicide.

I can't quit porn for real, I can just hit the 3-day mark and then fall again to the same path. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is my punishment, it feels like living in hell. Every day I see myself going to the suicide path again and I'm afraid that this time it will be my end. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? How can gay people say that this is a ,,gift'' and I need to accept it? I feel like every day I lose my sanity and my life is a big fucking fail. If I could go back in time...I would not watch a single second of porn.

I cry like a damn kid every day. I see people so happy with families, kids, wives and girlfriends and I'm in this living hell. What did I do in this life to deserve this?