Reconnecting with my feelings

matstu

Member
Day 1

My name is Mateusz and I'm almost 25 years old.
I am scared of my feelings, emotions, and anxieties. I think that the need to repress them may be THE most important reason behind all my addicions, including the one which will be the special focus of this journal.
When my anxieties are "hidden", so to speak, my addictions are not so significant. But when emotional turmoil is happening in my life, it's often too overwhelming for me and so I seek to bury the feelings within me again.
I want to get in touch with my feelings, understand them better. I think this might be key to resolving my addiction(s). It's tough, but I feel like the momentum for my being ready for this is gathering.
I will continue tommorow.
 

matstu

Member
Day 2

I had a dream in which I thought about using pornography. But in the waking life, no such thoughts were on my mind, thankfully.
I had a stressful day at work. But I didn't really have a reason to be stressed about. My anxiety sometimes erupts without any clear and discernible reason, resulting in my need to repress it.
And yet, I'm sure there must be a reason behind it. I'm just not sure what it is.
Maybe my job kicks something in me that's connected to my childhood. As a child, very often I was really anxious. It was because my parents didn't respect my autonomy, and treated me very much like a slave, which is actually a very common way to treat children in our culture. My anxiety is also connected to the financial concerns, but in its roots, I think that it's very much rooted in my past.
 

matstu

Member
Day 3

I've seen a film in which there was a very graphic scene of an orgy. And yet, no desire awakened in me, at least on the level of consciousness. However, I think that it might have touched my unconscious desires. I'm not a fan of the idea of repressing my desires, but I am rather trying to analyse and understand them.
I think that the desire for sex might be equivalent with the desire for escape from the grisly reality of life. But in reality, it's only a momentary distraction, a fake escape.
I am happy that I haven't been sexually active during the last three days. I think this abstinence opens up something important in me.
 

matstu

Member
Day 4

I'm pretty drunk right now. I am glad I have met people with whom I can get grunk. Tomorrow, there is going to be a walk I will take part in. I will see for the first time some of the people studying in my university. I'm pretty excited about that. That's all for today.
 

matstu

Member
Day 1

I relapsed yesterday. I feel really bad about that.
I'm not fully sure why I relapsed. The urge was really strong, but I'm not sure that's enough of an explanation.
I think I wanted to escape from my problems and difficult feelings.
I feel like looking at porn again. I screwed up, so who cares? But that's actually a really bad idea. The choice is between growing and regressing, and I want to grow today.
 

matstu

Member
Day 2

Today I felt really happy for no particular reason other than sunny weather. Even though according to calendars it's still spring, it truly was a summer's day - and a very beautiful one. At one point I went out of my dorm just because I wanted to sit in the sun and read a book. On the other hand, I was also really anxious today, again for no particular reason. Being anxious is very much a part of my life, and I'm not sure what to do about that. Sometimes I would like to just eradicate my anxiety, but it doesn't work like that, and in fact, even if simply eradicating it was an option, it still wouldn't do me good because my anxiety, I believe, has a meaning, and I need to decipher it, like one may try to decipher a code. It's a difficult task, but I believe that it's possible to do that.
 

matstu

Member
Day 3

Tragically, I have looked at a pornographic subreddit. I didn't look at any pictures or videos, but I read some titles of pornographic posts and fantasized about doing that. For now, I don't count that as a relapse, although maybe I should.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this mistake. Nothing good ever comes out of it.
I think it's connected to the mistaken notion that somehow the urges will keep growing and growing until I relapse. That that's the only thing I can do. But that's false. In fact, some people who abstain from pornography for a long time don't really have big sexual urges. Moreover, by watching porn I'm actually training myself to be hypersexualised, therefore with abnormally big sexual urges.
Maybe I need to write down some rebuttals to my problematic thoughts. Maybe it will help.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hmmmm you came very close to relapsing but luckily you were able to exercise enough self control to stop. Great! However, you still actively sought out some type of stimuli which isnt good. Keep in mind you are up to day three and its the first two weeks, in general anyway everyones different, that the urges are strongest. Do your best to recognise the urges for what they are and understand that fapping to porn will not make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.
 

matstu

Member
Hmmmm you came very close to relapsing but luckily you were able to exercise enough self control to stop. Great! However, you still actively sought out some type of stimuli which isnt good. Keep in mind you are up to day three and its the first two weeks, in general anyway everyones different, that the urges are strongest. Do your best to recognise the urges for what they are and understand that fapping to porn will not make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.
Day 0

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, I relapsed today. What you wrote is so true. Fapping not only made me feel bad, it made me feel terrible and utterly miserable. It made me stop all my plans and feel absolute self-pitty.
I could have just gone for a damn walk, that's what I promised myself. But I didn't. I was tired after work, and it happened almost automatically.
But it was preventable. It wouldn't have happened had I been in different... mental state, if that makes sense.
I now think that what happened was a signal from my inner child, a traumatised child for sure, who told me in that way: I'm angry! You don't respect my needs! You just sit in your room and lead a boring life! You don't reach out to people as much as you used to! I'm so angry that I will make your whole day miserable to show you that my needs matter!
And so... the message was delivered successfully. And it's true. In recent days I have lost my connection with people and with the world. I have become comfortable sitting in my room. But being "comfortable" has nothing to do with meeting the needs of my inner self.
The whole experience left me feeling really worthless.
But most importantly, I will heed the message I have received. I will try to meet my needs, especially my need for companionship, better. It's very difficult because sometimes it's difficult to recognize what my true needs are... but I will try.
I will also try to challenge my unhelpful thoughts. I've had my doubts about this technique, which is rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy, but now I think that incorporating it can make a real difference.
 

matstu

Member
Day 1

I didn't feel very good today. I didn't have time to meet my friends because I was busy preparing a presentation for tomorrow. But I think I did a good job. Tomorrow I will present it, and then I will finally meet my friends.
But there was a good moment today. On my way to work, I met a person I like and we had a good moment together.
I was pretty anxious today. I must address my thoughts behind this anxiety, but it's tough.
 

matstu

Member
Days 2 and 3

These were unusual days for me, as I moved from one room in the dorm to another one. Today I was arranging all my stuff in the new room. I like it very much, it's prettier than the previous one and I love the sight from the window. Yesterday and today I didn't even think about pornography... except maybe yesterday evening, when I was falling asleep. At that time the thought of getting my dose of the drug that is porn occured to me, but only for a brief moment, and no wonder - it was a good day, and so is today.
I was a bit irritated by some of the posts I've read on this forum, posts of people who wrote that they give up something awesome when they give up watching porn, but they still want to do that because the downsides of consuming pornography are more important than the upsides. But there are no upsides, I think. Pornography is exploitation of human beings, and there is nothing nice about the high that we get from it. I think some users here don't understand what's essentially wrong with pornography and consuming it.
But at the same time, maybe my irritation is hypocritical, as I am addicted to pornography myself. And I don't really believe in the disease model of addiction - ultimately it's a matter of choices. My choice to consume pornography, which I make every time I relapse, is intimately tied with my instinctual avoidance of difficult feelings. Avoidance that is widespread among people, it's a common defence mechanism. But I think I must try to overcome this defence mechanism in order to live a life without addictions.
 

matstu

Member
Day 4

At one point during the day the idea of relapsing was on my mind. It was because I felt abandoned and disliked by my friends. Now, I didn't have any rational reasons to think like that, but my thinking is very much rooted in the reality of my childhood.
But thank God, I wrote to my friend and felt better afterwards.
Why is there a desire in me to relapse in such situation? I'm still not sure. When I don't feel loved and liked by my friends, a relapse is... like a confirmation that I'm unworthy of love. That reaching out is pointless.
But that's not true. It's a lie. I must remember about it... at all times.
On another note, I want to try out different things, explore different ways of living. Healthier ways of living. It's a big part of my healing process.
 

matstu

Member
Day 5 and 6

I'm preparing a presentation for tomorrow about sexual abuse, and I have incidentally found an interesting article about the link between watching porn and sexual coertion and abuse. Let me share it here:

I played volleyball yesterday and today and it was a really good experience. I've had some moments of terrible anxiety in the past two days but I feel better now.
 

matstu

Member
excellent, almost to a week
Thank you, being aware that someone is following this thread is really helpful.

Day 7

I have to go to work in a few hours, and yet I can't sleep. It's because there is a party in a room next to mine. It's a really loud party.
In the past, in such situation I would consume porn. The weird thing is, I am 100% sure that after consuming porn, and usually even during the consuption, I would feel worse - in fact, I would feel absolutely terrible and worthless. And I knew that in the past, too - and yet, that's what I did.
I must admit that the thought of doing it occured to me this night, too. But I decided not to. I decided not to hurt myself. It's not worth it.
But the question is, how the hell was the idea of hurting myself by consuming pornography even on the table for me. How have I learned that?
Well, I have thought a lot about that and I think it's the influence of harmful experiences in my childhood. I need to work through them really well. And I'm trying to, but it certainly isn't easy!
But I'm hopeful. And I hope that hopefulness and truth will prevail - and that I will continue my recovery.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
good that you didnt give in, thats a win for you.
porn addiction is a really sneaky little bitch. its like a chemical dependancy, whereby the brain will try to come up with all sorts of ways of justifying looking at. for example, these are just some from my awful experience:

ooohhh just one clip, for 30 seconds then ill shut it off
it starts off with 30 seconds, then ends in 30mins

mmmmmm well, this will be the last time for three months! i swear!
its always the last time...

oh! thats it! ill just liten to the clip not actuall watch it! im a genius!
youre a FUCK. its still artificial stimulation, just not visual.

hey... that looks like my wife... i wonder if i fapped myself to this its like, OK, because she looks like my wife! yeah!
Jesus Christ...

ill watch clips that ive seen heaps of times before so its like not a new one and there isnt any new visual stimuli!
doesnt even make sense.

i had a shitty day... im gonna watch porn...
fucktard!

i had a great day! im gonna watch porn!
see above.

these illusions are many, and every single one of them is absolute bullshit. dont be tricked!
 

matstu

Member
Day 0

Fappy, that was funny, and true. It's bitterly funny, though, because I relapsed today... only with an auditory and textual stimuli, but still, it was a relapse. I feel kind of proud that I managed to stay sober for over a week. And yet, I'm obviously dissatisfied with the relapse. I think this time the relapse had a lot to do with some difficult problems in my life, especially concerning work. But I won't give up.
 

matstu

Member
Days 1 and 2

I played volleyball for a few hours and came back really tired. It felt really good to play volleyball, but now I'm in a worse mood. But I think I spent this day well. I have many distressing thoughts about the future, though. Maybe I worry about it too much. It's not productive to obsessively think about the future. What matters is today.
 

matstu

Member
Day 1

I'm not sure why exactly I relapsed yesterday, but somehow it happened. I think it had a lot to do with the weight of expectations of other people, of wanting to act like they want me to. It was too distressing and I ended up relapsing.
I really need to take care of myself, of my own needs. I need to stop caring about what other people think about me. It's not useful at all. But it's so difficult. Throughout my childhood I was really accustomed to taking care of the needs of other people, and this habit stayed with me. In my childhood, it might have been necessary to be like that, but now it's not. Now it's time, finally, to take care of my own needs.
 

IamMayor

Member
Hey man, I read your journal and i can see what you are going through is perfectly normal. You fall and get up again, thats good. However i feel like you are trying to kill two birds with one stone and i will tell you through experience that doesn't really work well for anybody. I say so because i see you are focusing on your mental health as well as your reboot which sounds natural because the two are related but i doubt they can be taken care of simultaneously .This is just my point of view. You have already made more progress than i did in my first days because i used think i was perfect as a person and P was just my problem phew boy was i wrong.

I still haven't figured a lot of stuff yet but i believe focusing on one thing at a time can be more effective with the highest priority being the reboot because PMO is the escape so lets stop escaping first then we face the other problem. So if you are looking for that deep motivation for now it can just be going for two weeks to one month without PMO and you proceed from there. Going Cold turkey always works wonders but its painful and nearly impossible even when your life depends on it.

I hope you can make more progress , when you relapse we will be here, when you make a huge milestone we will also be here. Keep fighting the good fight.
 
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