This isn’t a sprint


New Member
Hello all

Here is my story. I was first exposed to porn when I was seven. At first I was confused, but found myself watching it consistently throughout my life time. To tell you the truth for a long time this was my sexual education.
I always had the mindset where everyone watches porn. It never really was an issue for me. Fast forward to 2014, I returned home from my deployment from Afghanistan. My girlfriend and I had relationship issues when I came home. It was not porn related, but it was just a lot of arguing and disagreements about our future. Sadly, we didn’t make it. This really fucked me up. I began drinking and becoming a player. This increased my usual porn usage more than usual. Then one day I just hit rock bottom. It was a series of events that occurred, but porn was not to blame. Neither was the alcohol nor the pointless sex I had with other women. The issue was myself. I was heartbroken. I needed to make sense of my mind. I stopped drinking and that was easy. I stopped sleeping around and that was easy. Now I stopped watching porn and that was hard (no pun intended). I decided to consult with a sex therapist and we spoke. She told me that I don’t have the signs of an addict and my usage was considered normal. But, she was wondering why I started questioning my usage in the first place? This is where I began my reboot journey. I am researcher by profession. So I obsessed over porn. I wanted to know EVERYTHING about it. After about a year of researching this is what I discovered:

Porn can be an addiction. Like all human behaviors things can become addictive. Even the simple things like drinking a cup of coffee can constitute as an addiction. Since the body craves a certain behavior we can experience discomfort if we do not satisfy our need. Now porn is not sex. Freud argued that all human beings crave sex. Well it was a form of survival for our species and hence why we feel certain things when we see an attractive mate. That is human nature there is no way in changing that. However, what makes us different from all species is that we are all blessed with thought. We are aware of our thoughts.

Throughout history we tried to make sense of things. In my profession (which is disaster management) we explore this theory of sense making. Human beings need to make sense of things before they make a decision. A lot of theorist in the disaster management community scoff at the fact that human beings loose all sense of morality, thought, and their behavior when shit hits the fan. This is quite the contrary, yes, when faced with a disaster the initial reaction is shock. But, since our human nature has deep roots in survival, we tend to do things out of the ordinary in order to survive. Now many of you probably heard the story of a mom picking up a car to save her trapped child; this may seem unrealistic, but paints a picture on how human nature tends to do the right thing when faced with danger. Philosophy is the study of thought. Before politicians or elected leaders, many seemed guidance from elders. I am huge fan of stoic philosophy. Simply put, we are only in control of our mind and everything else is out of our control. Since majority of things are out of our control then why invest your time or effort in it? Ultimately, we have the power to create our own reality.

You will fail
I relapsed many times. It is freaking hard! But, I was mindful of each time I wacked off. It was not because I was horny. No it was because I was sad. I was sad about what I was feeling and used a wack off to escape my reality. Hence once I felt sad I replaced my reaction with another behavior. Long and behold after several instances I rewired my brain. Those who are new to this are probably smiling with joy. But, this is a difficult thing to do. You are going to have to break a bad habit and there is no timeline. You just got to keep on putting in the reps. Months flew by and I went several months without fapping. And boom one day I watched porn and I was upset. I did not know why I watched it. To tell you the truth I played a video and it did not bring me pleasure. I did not know what I was feeling and tried to make sense of it. I spoke to my female friend about it and she laughed. I was confused why she laughed and she told me that I was horny. I forgot how it felt to be horny and this emotion was something completely new to me. Even in defeat I found a victory.

The Horse
I play a fantasy in my head. This fantasy is me ridding on a horse. Behind me are the villains of this spaghetti western fantasy. Now each time the villain knocks me off my horse, I do not shoot back. I do not curse at them or when wish them harm. They are villains this is their nature and it is out of my control. I have two options a either stay on the floor or get back on the horse. I’d rather get back on the horse. Each time you mess up, take accountability where you are wrong. This journey has no end date. Accept that and know what you are doing to quit porn is something against your current nature. But, since we are the master of our thoughts, let us prove our formal selves wrong. Every morning tell yourself that you are doing something difficult. This is difficult and it is not meant to be easy. If it was then everyone would do it. There will be people who will make fun of you, they will tell you that porn is normal, they will tell you that beating your meat is normal. But, these are simply opinions. Now you choose to bring value to those opinions. You choose where you want to go in this journey. Enjoy each day of this journey. Some days may suck. Others may seem great. In the end of the day you are doing the most difficult thing in your life and that takes nothing but courage. And courage is a virtue worth waking up for every morning.