Reclaiming the present

Trisquel

Member
[Day 3]

I've been regularly watching porn since the age of 13. My dad was an alcoholic and chain smoker so I'd been careful to avoid overindulging in those behaviours. But porn is supposed to be a rite of passage for every teenager right? It was weird that my friends were watching it and I hadn't yet so I gave it a shot.

It happened so slowly that I didn't notice, but I'd slowly transitioned from an alert, smart, and social kid to someone who is described as "zoned out", unfocused, and emotionless by my friends and family (in a nice, concerned way ofc). This coincided with me masturbating to porn very regularly. I obviously don't know if this stuff was caused by the porn, but I'm 27 and wonder how many opportunities I've missed due to this habit. Things like meditation etc. have helped but I've always feel a constant lack of energy and drive, which has affected my personal life as well as me reaching my goals.

Sex has always been difficult, where I'd previously have to picture a porn scene or fantasise about something else when fucking. I've struggled with PIED and would secretly take cialis before having sex which is such an embarrassing thing to do for someone in their 20's. Sometimes even that wouldn't work. I haven't been in a relationship in years.

As I grew up I'd reduced the frequency of consumption to 3-4 times a week, but my porn had escalated to dom/ tranny videos. This was making me question my sexual identity. I have a hunch that this was just my brain craving the novelty and shock value of the videos.

I've gone to a psychiatrist and described my problems, and he stated that I might have ADD. He didn't really draw any connection between porn use and things like paying attention and concentration. Before I meet him again and ask for a prescription, I really want to make sure that it isn't just the porn affecting my mind, considering the number it's done on my dick lol.

Though I'd heard of sites like Your brain on porn and the nofap/ pornfree subreddits I didn't really think that porn could have that much of an impact, maybe because it's such a normalized thing in society. Listening to the Your brain on porn audiobook has really opened my eyes to the number of potential problems that pornography can cause.

I'm just angry at the idea that fucking pixels on a screen could do so much to mess with my body and mind. Seriously, fuck porn. I don't want to die wondering if I wasn't my "natural" self because I was so overstimulated and desensitized due to this habit. My plan is to avoid porn and masturbate to thoughts of real-life sex if it's really necessary.

I've tried quitting before but had always slipped up due to not taking it as seriously as I should. I hope this helps me. Writing all of this down together really puts things in perspective.

Here's to positive change.
Thar sounds great! Best of lucks in fighting this addiction and congrats on taking the decision to do so!
 
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