I want the second chance for normal life

I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Today, on the day 46 of no P and M, I completely collapsed. I watched porn and masturbated three times. I completely realized what I was doing, but did not try to stop. I kind of wanted to ruin my own life, and deliberately was continuing to watch porn. Do not know why it happened to me, maybe because of the split with my gf. Another reason I can think of is that I have a lot of things to accomplish now, and I am under a big emotional pressure. And recently I started playing video games, and this is by itself a destructive behavior which usually attracts other destructive types. I hope that this one day exposure to P and M will not ruin my progress or throw me months backwards (but I wasted several hours on this useless time-spending).
Also I noticed that it was easier to stay on the positive track while posting here frequently. On the contrary, when posting once in a month, you almost forget that you are part of this community. I will try to stick to habit of posting more frequently.
Starting from tomorrow will try to avoid playing games and restart the journey of no PM. Hopefully this time I will not be overpowered by my bad habits. Also, I might take analysis of semen in the next week, thus, I might masturbate, but will try to do it without porn.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Day 3 done!
So far so good. I noticed that for the last three days I was away from video games, TV shows, and movies. Instead, I was focused on building my future, reading professional books, joining conversational classes, etc. However, I must admit, I spent a plenty of time in messengers. Probably, it is a bit difficult to get rid of all bad habits at once.
Anyways, because of concentrating on something useful, I have not even thought of P and M for the last three days. I understand how many years I have spent on these destructive habits, and how many useful things I could have learned and done instead! Still, it is better late than never. I am determined to become a better version of myself, even though it will require power of will and a lot of efforts. The very thought of who I am now and who I could have become even without high expectations but just without P makes me shake and tremble.
Now even a small progress seems to me as a great achievement, and partially it is so because I did not have any achievements for many years. It is difficult for me to gain even a tiny progress, but this attitude is helpful. And I hope that because of this attitude it will be easier for me to make a transformation.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Day 5
I noticed how in the recent days I started playing with my penis a lot. Each day, when I sit in front of computer and either watch TV series, or read some articles, or sit in social media, I realize that my hand is beneath my underwear playing with my penis. The problem is that the articles are not related to erotics and the TV series is action, nothing related to sex scenes. I believe it is an old habit, which I had in my university years. I was playing with it until it got erected, and then started to masturbate. I do not know if it is for good or not, now this playing does not result in erection (probably because of low libido), and the play ends where it starts. But I do not know why this habbit reappeared as I was not using porn content. Still, I would be happy to get away from this habit and concentrate on healthy life style and habits.
Now I occasionally have morning wood, but not 100%, maybe 40-50%. Will try to add some exercises to increase blood flow in the organs of pelvis.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Day 8.
I relapsed today at night, 9 August. I was thinking about my ex girlfriend, and looking at her photos. I could not get erection, and opened a porn website. While I was searching for videos, and rewinding these videos to find a suitable scene (it was less than 3-4 minutes altogether), I noticed how I got erection. Even though it was not 100%, maybe around 60%, I could start masturbating. I do not know if I should be enjoying this fact or not, because on the one hand I got erection, on the other hand it happened because of porn watching, which means that my brain is still under heavy influence of porn addiction. I shut the porn, and masturbated with looking to intimate photos of my ex. I memorized her body, and edged instantly.
Also, I realized that there is some dependency between the things we do. Noticed that I played video games more often than previously in the last 1-2 months, and started to lapse more frequently.
Today I watched a video in the net, saying that sex is only for continuing our species life, and not for fun, therefore we waste our life energy and exhaust our bodies. To be honest, I want sex, because I have never had a lot of sex in my life, especially good sex. But I can relate it to masturbation in its any forms.
I will put my efforts to remove bad destructive habits, especially video games, going to bed late (or maybe early, because it is almost morning :D), and I believe that after that desire to masturbate will diminish by itself. Also, will try to be more effective as the understanding that you are on the track, you do right things and see some small progress everyday gives you power to continue and become stronger.
 
Y

yogi

Active Member
Iwantthesecondchance said:
Day 8.
I relapsed today at night, 9 August. I was thinking about my ex girlfriend, and looking at her photos. I could not get erection, and opened a porn website. While I was searching for videos, and rewinding these videos to find a suitable scene (it was less than 3-4 minutes altogether), I noticed how I got erection. Even though it was not 100%, maybe around 60%, I could start masturbating. I do not know if I should be enjoying this fact or not, because on the one hand I got erection, on the other hand it happened because of porn watching, which means that my brain is still under heavy influence of porn addiction. I shut the porn, and masturbated with looking to intimate photos of my ex. I memorized her body, and edged instantly.
Also, I realized that there is some dependency between the things we do. Noticed that I played video games more often than previously in the last 1-2 months, and started to lapse more frequently.
Today I watched a video in the net, saying that sex is only for continuing our species life, and not for fun, therefore we waste our life energy and exhaust our bodies. To be honest, I want sex, because I have never had a lot of sex in my life, especially good sex. But I can relate it to masturbation in its any forms.
I will put my efforts to remove bad destructive habits, especially video games, going to bed late (or maybe early, because it is almost morning :D), and I believe that after that desire to masturbate will diminish by itself. Also, will try to be more effective as the understanding that you are on the track, you do right things and see some small progress everyday gives you power to continue and become stronger.
Click to expand...
The biggest lie that has been repeated throughout various self-development and religious circles is that sex is bad.
Sex is neither good nor bad.
It's a natural part of the human body and mind.
The person who is telling you that is a person who HATES SEX.

That is the crux of the problem.

You do not break the porn habit by hating sex.
You break it by developing a new healthy perspective of sex.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
I have not posted for almost last two years. Unfortunately, I do not have many positive vibes. To sum up, this is what has happened in the last two years:
  • I started dating my gf again and we dated altogether around 1.5 years. Throughout this period, we constantly were attempting to have an affair and we were constantly failing. I also noticed that if previously I was ejaculating 4 times a day, later I was doing it only once and had no energy at all to move during our sexual acts attempts. I do not know what it was related to, maybe lack of sports, maybe something else, but I was exhausted. Also, during my ejaculation, I had a severe pain in my penis and my testicles. A couple of times I used viagra when having an affair with her, and then my performance was better. I would not say it was superb, but I was not ejaculating as soon as I was penetrating, and I could achieve an erection, even though I had a feeling that it was not super hard. I try to avoid using viagra because of the varicocele condition, so I did not want to use it often. My sexual inability was pushing me to think of crazy ideas such as paying someone to satisfy my gf instead of me. Luckily, I did not make these ideas real. At the end, we split more than half a year ago because of the reasons not related to sex. Although she was super supportive with my health issue, there were some other problems that I could not live with and I decided to split.
  • I visited several doctors and consulted about my conditions, and all of them told that I need a surgery on varicocele. Also, one of them told me that I needed to use viagra daily during 2 months even if I would not have sex. I was completely dissappointed and wanted to commit a suicide. I was on the edge of doing it, but as you see I am writing this post so I am still alive. Probably did not commit it because did not want my parents to die because of a heart attach or maybe because I am a coward.
  • I was constantly working on myself although I was no longer doing sports as I could see that my veins would hurt after pull-ups or dips. However, in the fall of 2021, I had one of the biggest disappointments of my life, and it just went upside down. I resumed playing video games till mornings on a daily basis, would not move at all, was eating chips and consuming a lot of porn with masturbation at the end. It continued for several months and at the end of this period, I was looking like a zombie.
  • Luckily, at spring last year I found a job and started a slow process of recovery. Eventually, I stopped playing mobile games, and came back to the progress routine. However, I had too much on my plate and I could not deal with the pressure. I was masturbating occasionally (once a week) while watching porn, my relations with my gf were getting worse and worse, I had a lack of sleep and was tired all the time. At the same time, I started taking pills which alledegly would cure my varicocele, and had a harsh diet. Unfortunately, these pills were extremely costly and I stopped using them as it was hard to get them.
  • I was installing mobile games occasionally, but deleted them in max of two weeks. Also, I am afraid of having serious relations with women, because there is a negative attitude towards people with PIED, and I cannot confess to a girl that I have this problem. At the same time, I do not want to deceive a girl, waste a girl's time and deprive her of a happier life with someone else who would give her healthy sexual life. This problem makes me suffocate as time goes by, but I cannot build relationship or family.
  • So, what do we have today? I do not have a gf for more than 6 months, no sex, I watch porn and masturbate once a week, and I do not lift weights nor do I run because of my varicocele. My PIED is still in place. In fact, I aim to sleep 6 hours a day at least, but my MW is still not usual, and if I change a pose in my bed, it drops. When I masturbate, I still have some uncomfortable feelings in my testicles veins, but not as severe as during my intercourse with my gf.
Half an hour ago, I watched porn and masturbated. So, new count starts as of now.

I remember how this forum helped me in believing that I would achieve my goal and keeping my mood better. I hope this time I will be more successful than previously. I want to stop watching porn, playing video games and masturbating. I do not know whether I will be able to cure my PEID and varicocele, and whether they are related to each other or not, but still I want to give another try.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
2 days of little success.
So far so good. For the last two days, I was extremely busy and was coming home only to sleep. This is why it was easy to avoid the negative habits. Yesterday at night before sleep I felt the crawling desire to watch porn or instagram stories of models. But I was too tired, so I fell asleep. I have noticed that usually I relapse when I sit at home and have no urgent things to concentrate on. Even if I want to study programming or perform some exercises, as there are no any deadlines associated with these things, my brain automatically assigns these things low priority and prioritizes my bad habits. I still need to work on self-improvement, and cannot do it in a cafe because after 1 hour your back starts to sore and you need to walk. Also, collaboration rooms that we have in our town are a bit expensive for my current budget. So, I have to stay home for self improvement. But I will need to rewire my brain to avoid falling into the trap of porn again.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
8 Days Without PMO. ✅
Sometimes I want to watch porn and to masturbate but I almost do not have erection, so it is possible to stay away from these habits. Also, I guess my testosterone level is low as I am tired all the time. But this is expected as I have varicocele. Anyway, low testosterone helps me to avoid PMO. However, I would still like to increase its level as the life quality is also low with such testosterone. Will try to go in for sports the next week.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
18 Days Without PMO. 🤞
It has been 18 days already that I am neglecting my urges to watch porn. I still have some today, but it gets easier to control them. I am continuing my hard mode, and avoid masturbation as well. During these 18 days, I only once had a dream where I had sex with a famous person, but did not ejaculate in the dream. In reality, it was not a wet dream as well.
Also, I noticed that even though I get morning wood occasionally, my penis kinda lies on my body and does not stand erected. When I try to place it vertically with my hand, it tends to fall back to lying position as soon as I remove my fingers. Plus, if I hold it with my fingers in vertical position (90deg to my body), it starts to soften in several seconds. Please could you comment if anyone experienced similar issues and what helped with this condition?
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
4 weeks without PMO. 😵
Honestly, this smile above describes my condition right now. I got sick and lied last few days in bed. Although I do not have enough strength, I was constantly thinking about masturbation and wanted it very bad. The only way how I was able to withstand the temptation was reminding myself that maybe I have PIED and that it has to be cured by avoiding porn / masturbation. Another reason is that I believe that my desire is more psychological rather than physical, at least because my penis is not erected while I am dreaming about masturbation!
I am occasionally scrolling instagram, and I constantly see posts of IG girls who I follow or who I see in recommendations with stunning bodies and beatiful faces. Still, I do not get any erections. I start to think maybe it would be better to unfollow all these girls and delete the IG at once? Instead, I add these photos / reels to my favorites list as if I would keep them to masturbate later on when my penis gets erected again. Also, by my old habit, sometimes I realize that I am caressing my penis unconsciously in order to get erection. I stop doing it, but my penis does not get erected anyway.
To sum up, it gets more and more difficult to stick to the plan, but I do not want to relapse because it will not be just one day of failure - this relapse will throw me back to the beginning of the journey.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Iwantthesecondchance said:
4 weeks without PMO. 😵
Honestly, this smile above describes my condition right now. I got sick and lied last few days in bed. Although I do not have enough strength, I was constantly thinking about masturbation and wanted it very bad. The only way how I was able to withstand the temptation was reminding myself that maybe I have PIED and that it has to be cured by avoiding porn / masturbation. Another reason is that I believe that my desire is more psychological rather than physical, at least because my penis is not erected while I am dreaming about masturbation!
I am occasionally scrolling instagram, and I constantly see posts of IG girls who I follow or who I see in recommendations with stunning bodies and beatiful faces. Still, I do not get any erections. I start to think maybe it would be better to unfollow all these girls and delete the IG at once? Instead, I add these photos / reels to my favorites list as if I would keep them to masturbate later on when my penis gets erected again. Also, by my old habit, sometimes I realize that I am caressing my penis unconsciously in order to get erection. I stop doing it, but my penis does not get erected anyway.
To sum up, it gets more and more difficult to stick to the plan, but I do not want to relapse because it will not be just one day of failure - this relapse will throw me back to the beginning of the journey.
Click to expand...
Definitely stick to the plan for several months before you make a decision. Hope you feel better soon.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Yesterday, I have to admit, I did something I should not have done. I was in an online meeting working from home, and since I was just listening and not providing my inputs, I took out my phone and started searching different things on browser. I looked for actresses with beautiful body shapes, and even though they were not naked, it is also some sort of stimulation. Then, I went even further, and I browsed for something I would not do before. I browsed for men's tools. And looked at 20-30 photos of those. In some photos, there was just it, in others - beautiful naked girl and men. I noticed that my penis became a little swollen after looking at these photos, but only a little, no hardening occurred. Still, I had to avoid looking at such things! I try to find an answer what is wrong with me, and I feel miserable after that yesteday act. Definitely, I have some serious psychological problems because of so many years of porn watching and masturbation, not even mentioning about my ED.
Even though these were photos, and not a porn video, and I did not masturbate, I wonder should I restart my count or should I continue from where it was?
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Iwantthesecondchance said:
Yesterday, I have to admit, I did something I should not have done. I was in an online meeting working from home, and since I was just listening and not providing my inputs, I took out my phone and started searching different things on browser. I looked for actresses with beautiful body shapes, and even though they were not naked, it is also some sort of stimulation. Then, I went even further, and I browsed for something I would not do before. I browsed for men's tools. And looked at 20-30 photos of those. In some photos, there was just it, in others - beautiful naked girl and men. I noticed that my penis became a little swollen after looking at these photos, but only a little, no hardening occurred. Still, I had to avoid looking at such things! I try to find an answer what is wrong with me, and I feel miserable after that yesteday act. Definitely, I have some serious psychological problems because of so many years of porn watching and masturbation, not even mentioning about my ED.
Even though these were photos, and not a porn video, and I did not masturbate, I wonder should I restart my count or should I continue from where it was?
Click to expand...
It’s up to you whether or not you reset. What you must not do is use a reset as an excuse to binge before you reset. This is not a video game.😆
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Androg said:
It’s up to you whether or not you reset. What you must not do is use a reset as an excuse to binge before you reset. This is not a video game.😆
Click to expand...
Haha this is exactly what I did before. When I masturbated once, I thought that the day was already ruined, the streak was ruined, I had to start over the next day, but today was already gone, and masturbated another three times the same day.
I better continue from where I was, but will try to avoid the triggering photos/videos/cinemas. I hope to start seeing some small improvements in two months. However, I understand that it might take longer. Maybe I have physical conditions in addition to my PIED.
What I remember, when I was 22-23, I went to a prostitute's home, and could not get erection because of some bad associations there. She somehow knew what to do. She turned on her laptop, searched for porn, and I told her to put the volume on maximum. After 1 minute, I had good erection. I think that with time, these bonds in my brain only got stronger.
However, for the last two years, I tried to watch porn once a week, seldom more than that. Still I did not get any progress. I will try to go sober now, hope it will bring positive results.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
81 days without PMO 💪
This has been my longest streak since I started masturbating. I had urges to watch porn or to masturbate today, but somehow I managed to overcome this feeling. Maybe 1 week ago, I almost had a wet dream, but managed to awake and stop it in the last moment. Other than that, there are some morning woods, however, my instrument is still lying erected and does not stand even though almost three months have already passed.
I tried to work out in the last month, but I lack consistency because of my busy schedule. Additionally, I saw a doctor who told that I had a chronic prostatitis. I underwent a treatment course, and the doctor told that I needed to find a girlfriend for continious sexual relations. I do not visit prostitutes, but I do not want to date a person only because of sex, even though I need it physically. As I understand, I will also need to take some medicines to increase my libido.
And it is worth mentioning that throughout all these years of masturbation I completely lost my skills to communicate to a girl, and have a huge problem of getting acquainted, having a meaningful conversation, and seducing women. So, it seems like a journey which will take much longer time than expected.
 
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