I want the second chance for normal life

I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Unfortunately, I broke my promise. It rarely happened to me before, but now it happens more and more often. I did not do any exchange between good and bad habits. It lasted only one day when I started slowly moving things, but the second day was the same as old bad days...
Throughout the whole week, I almost did not do anything useful. And I did not do any sports the last two days. I just spend my days looking at the phone screen. The only positive thing that I have now, is that I am still without PMO. This is the only area of my life where inaction is actually better than action...
For the last couple of days, I had thoughts to masturbate, even without porn. Especially I could feel it during yesterday, as I was very tired and fell asleep during the day. When I woke up, my brain did not turn on with 100% efficiency, and I still was half-asleep. I had a hard penis, and started touching it to make sure that it is hard. Then, instinctively, I had the thoughts that I needed to try to masturbate now, and that I did not even need porn. Luckily, I was able to control my actions. Also, as soon as I stood up, my erection disappeared almost immediately. So, I guess, there is still a long road ahead before the recovery.
Sometimes, I imagine sex in my head, I think this is the side-effect of porn, which has been my main source of entertainment for the last twenty years or even more.
So, to sum up, nothing spectacular happening in my life. And I have some bad foreboding (not related to PMO or sexual life though), but I will write about it in later posts. Do not feel ready to talk about it now.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
Yesterday I woke up, and I did not want to play one of the two games I play. I felt like if I were looking like a zombie while playing the game. And all of a sudden, I lost the interest in all of the achievements, all collections and weekly rewards. I will not lie, I still played a bit, but if compared to the previous exposure, it was significantly less. I did not even acquire the biggest part of the daily achievements.
I do not know what had happened, whether it was something related to my unconsciousness during my sleep, which had such an effect on me, or it was the gradual effect of doing the same repetitive action again and again which finally fed me up, but my desire to sit all day long in the phone and just push the screen like a robot for multiple hours a day reduced dramatically. And I hope to take benefit of it.
Yesterday I played a bit because I wanted to stay loyal to my goals and to get some of the achievements which are only achievable if I execute the particular tasks non-stop during a year. But honestly, this is crazy. I should stop it, too.
Yesterday, I met my friends, and I barely said a word during our meeting, because I did not have any news to share except my game achievements, and as the games take most of my time, I am not interested in anything else and cannot hold many of conversations related to politics, world events, etc. Also, yesterday I learnt from our conversation that some of the people I knew and who I considered not good in what they do, achieved really important milestones in their professional careers, and it demotivates me to see that I am still incapable of doing the first step while others (especially not good ones) have already progressed so far. At the same time, I am quite ambitious and do not like mediocracy somewhere inside of me and it gives me additional fuel to move forward.
I have 2 months of no PMO but there are no noticeable results. This can be quite normal because 2 months is not a lot compared to 20+ years of self-destructive behaviour, and I remember someone said in this forum that you need 1+ year to start seeing results, but I think that the games slow down my progress because of dopamine levels increase associated with video gaming. So, it would be a good idea to stop playing games at all. While I do not feel ready to do that, I think that I can at least try to stop playing one of the two games, the one which does not actually have almost any strategical thinking involved, is not interesting, and takes much more time than the other one. The only reason why I play this game is the sense of achievement that I get from completing different stages in the game, collecting different rewards, etc. I compare it to the drug addiction.
Furthermore, the main topic of the forum is PMO, but, at least now, I do not have serious problems with it. Instead all my problems are with another addiction. So, I do not want to spam.
The only thing that I am scared of is that my PMO addiction would remind me of itself once I stop playing games because I won't be able to make myself productive and busy enough.
But let's not jump forward and do one thing at a time. Now, the goal is to reduce the gaming time by not playing one of the two games. I will use the momentum and actually uninstall it just after writing this post. Hope not to install it back for a long time.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
I read before comments from some users including @Blondie talking about constant progress, and not perfection. I also watched tons of motivational videos on this topic, and even though I understood what the meaning of this idea is, I actually did not comprehend it to 100%.
As I told before, I deleted one of the games, and I had urges to download it once again, and complete the daily and weekly tasks. Luckily, I found some willpower not to do that, and added some exercises to my exercise routine instead. And yes, yesterday, I played another game much more than I used to, and this is why I went to sleep late. Today, when I woke up, I felt terrible, and I thought that it was an early morning, while, in reality, it was already 11:00 AM. I did not want to do sport exercises today, but I persuaded myself to give it a shot taking into consideration that I had a long enough sleep, and there was no strong argument not to do exercises. And even though I struggled throughout the training and my body hurt more than usual, I completed every exercise and every set that I planned.
I have been training for some time now, but when I look at myself in a mirror, I do not see any changes. I think, one of the reasons is that I do not go to the gym, I do not have weights, and my training program is limited to body-weight exercises only, which I perform in my room. Another reason is that I am physically weak, and cannot perform many effective body-weight exercises, and my pull of exercises is quite limited. Add here my poor diet, my inconsistency of sleeping habits, my age, my poor technique in performing exercises, and many other reasons, and you can explain the lack of quick results. Yet I feel better knowing that I am on a right track, and slowly making the exercises routine my usual habit. It is much better than to play video games or watch porn for hours on a constant basis, and you do not need to be ashamed of it.
Taking a look back at my 2-months+ journey of battle with PMO and just trying to become a better version of myself, I can definitely tell that I was not perfect in many aspects. I definitely failed in addiction to video games. I had many other setbacks. However, if we make a graph of how my actions during these two months have impacted who I am today, I think that still there might be a slight increase in the trend. Some days were good, some other days were worse. I missed some training days, was not applying to jobs many days. Of course, if you always go to sleep at the right time, do not ever miss a training session and do the right things every day, this is great. But we all are not perfect and have some weaknesses. Yes, we will not come to our ultimate goal as quickly as someone who mastered perfection, but, eventually, we also will.
So, sometimes, I think you need to make yourself perform the necessary actions even if you do not want to. Yes, of course, you need to love yourself, and if you feel very bad, you can take one-two days off, but as soon as you feel better, you need to go back on the track again. So, now, I think that perfection is, unfortunately, unattainable for the most of us, with exception of some individual sportsmen and other distingueshed persons, who are known to the whole wide world. I do not consider myself one of them. Otherwise, I would not need this forum. Still, today, when I made myself complete my training session while I did not want to, I understood that this is the way to progress things. Hope to stay on this track long enough to finally see the results of my journey and be motivated to do even more!
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I think sometimes, the most important time to do something is when we want to the least.

So great job Iwant! Keep doing the work, don't worry too much and have faith in what you're doing. It will get you there in time.
 
I

Iwantthesecondchance

Member
For now, I am very comfortable with PMO as I have not had a morning wood for a number of days. On the one hand, it helps me to stay away from undesired content. On the other hand, however, I am not sure if this is a positive sign not to have a morning wood.
I hope that it is a part of a healing process, and that I will get my erections back. It might be more challenging to withstand the urges once I get my erection back, but I hope that I will manage.
Thus, my major concern now is the increase of productivity. I put time limits on the social media apps a couple of days ago, and even though they are quite generous, I constantly reach them. Additionally, I have social media websites open on my PC, and each time I try to work, I notice how I end up talking to some of my friends instead of focusing on the work. As I still need the social media websites open on my PC sometimes, I will try at least to change to another tabs not to see the conversations as soon as I switch the windows. I hope it will work.
There is not much to mention, this is why I do not post often.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top