Impression
Member
It’s been challenging, but it has been an interesting experiment. And I am already feeling much more present with the rest of my life.
Here’s a link to the Reddit page: https://www.reddit.com/r/digitalminimalism/s/6o5c7yTLoE
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I want the second chance for normal life
- Thread starter Iwantthesecondchance
- Start date
Here’s a link to the Reddit page: https://www.reddit.com/r/digitalminimalism/s/6o5c7yTLoE
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
@Impression thank you, man! I will have a look at it on a weekend.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
I watched porn and masturbated on 2 March, so today is my first day of PMO free life.
My sperm was really brown. I am really afraid of having aggravated health issues.
I deleted one of the four games yesterday in the evening. So far I do not have urges for it.
Yesterday, I did not play a lot, and had a town walk with a friend. It felt nice to connect to people and get some exposure to sun. Next week, I will try to delete the second game.
My sperm was really brown. I am really afraid of having aggravated health issues.
I deleted one of the four games yesterday in the evening. So far I do not have urges for it.
Yesterday, I did not play a lot, and had a town walk with a friend. It felt nice to connect to people and get some exposure to sun. Next week, I will try to delete the second game.
Impression
Member
Well done for taking the initiative to cut down on some of the triggering material. And for seeking healthy ways to spend your time outside and with others.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
I deleted the second game in the middle of the last week, and it went very well. I reduced gaming time a lot, and was less exposed to going to bed very late due to gaming habit.
In the weekend, I tried to go out of home in order to avoid gaming, and I walked for hours both Saturday and Sunday. I was very tired after these walks because I am not used to walking as I spend almost all day indoors due to my work from home. Yet I was happy since I visited new places and received a lot of positive emotions from my walks. On Saturday, I did not play at all, and despite going to bed moderately late, when I got up in the Sunday morning, my mind was clear and I was more refreshed than usual. Nevertheless, yesterday evening, I tried to play one of the remaining games on my phone, and I abused with playing time excessively. It was very late when I finished, but I did not go to sleep.
Instead, I decided to masturbate. I watched porn, and I noticed that my penis was harder than usual. It even became erected while I watched porn yesterday. This thing happens to me rarely, and I do not know what the reason was - less exposure to gaming or more physical activity, new emotions and exposure to fresh air? I even thought for a second that I got cured. When I ejaculated, the first two droplets were of a normal colour, and I became confident - yes, I am cured! But then, my sperm which ejaculated was really brown. Also, the concentration was really bad. So, it was early celebration.
As a result of yesterday's gaming abuse, I did not finish my home errands, did not schedule a doctor visit to verify the reasons of having brown sperm, and I had a big trouble getting up in the morning. Now, I will miss my workout because I feel tired and broken.
If I delete this game, I will lose an opportunity to get the year-end trophies, for which I have already grinded 2.5 months. I need at least 6 months to secure these trophies. And this is one of the reasons why I do not want to delete this game.
On the other hand, I did not play only one day, and I already saw some improvement in my erection and my overall wellbeing. I know that it might be coincidence, but gaming also deprives me of self-improvement opportunities be it online trainings or reading books, listening to podcasts, doing sports, etc., social activities, and clearer thoughts. I do not apply to new jobs because of gaming either. I might lose the year-end trophies in the game, but it is a lesser sacrifice than the real-life victories. I understand it, but do not know how to accept it and make actions. One part of me does not allow me to delete the game.
In the weekend, I tried to go out of home in order to avoid gaming, and I walked for hours both Saturday and Sunday. I was very tired after these walks because I am not used to walking as I spend almost all day indoors due to my work from home. Yet I was happy since I visited new places and received a lot of positive emotions from my walks. On Saturday, I did not play at all, and despite going to bed moderately late, when I got up in the Sunday morning, my mind was clear and I was more refreshed than usual. Nevertheless, yesterday evening, I tried to play one of the remaining games on my phone, and I abused with playing time excessively. It was very late when I finished, but I did not go to sleep.
Instead, I decided to masturbate. I watched porn, and I noticed that my penis was harder than usual. It even became erected while I watched porn yesterday. This thing happens to me rarely, and I do not know what the reason was - less exposure to gaming or more physical activity, new emotions and exposure to fresh air? I even thought for a second that I got cured. When I ejaculated, the first two droplets were of a normal colour, and I became confident - yes, I am cured! But then, my sperm which ejaculated was really brown. Also, the concentration was really bad. So, it was early celebration.
As a result of yesterday's gaming abuse, I did not finish my home errands, did not schedule a doctor visit to verify the reasons of having brown sperm, and I had a big trouble getting up in the morning. Now, I will miss my workout because I feel tired and broken.
If I delete this game, I will lose an opportunity to get the year-end trophies, for which I have already grinded 2.5 months. I need at least 6 months to secure these trophies. And this is one of the reasons why I do not want to delete this game.
On the other hand, I did not play only one day, and I already saw some improvement in my erection and my overall wellbeing. I know that it might be coincidence, but gaming also deprives me of self-improvement opportunities be it online trainings or reading books, listening to podcasts, doing sports, etc., social activities, and clearer thoughts. I do not apply to new jobs because of gaming either. I might lose the year-end trophies in the game, but it is a lesser sacrifice than the real-life victories. I understand it, but do not know how to accept it and make actions. One part of me does not allow me to delete the game.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
It has been almost two weeks since the last post. There are no big changes though.
Before going to sleep, I watched porn and masturbated. My penis was very hard in the end, and I was really surprised. I think that before this day when I got to bed really late, I tried to control my sleep time and the number of sleep hours is consistently equal or higher than six. This might be the reason. Also I tried to go out of home and not to sit at home more than one whole day. Maybe all this time I did not have erection because I had a chronic fatigue? I want to believe that and to believe that I do not have any severe diseases. Even though it means that I had ED for more than 10 years just because of my poor daily routine.
A week ago, I went out with my female friend, and even though we are friends, I could feel how bad I wanted the character of our relations to change to a more romantic side. While my friend is cute, she is not really my type, but because of the absolute ignorance from women for the last one year, I was thinking about her nonstop.
However, in the dating apps, I get almost zero matches, and even the seldom ones disappear after I propose them to meet.
This leads me to the thought that either I do not look good enough, or I speak not well enough.
In any case, I can outline the absolute priorities for my life based on the current situation in the following order:
1. Continue to look for a job, read some job related material.
2. Sleep - I can distinctively see the positive effects on my body. However, I still go to bed quite late - need to focus on that.
3. Exercise. My current physical shape is pathetic - I do not have muscles at all. My shoulders are inexistent.
4. More balanced diet, particularly less sugar - I became so overweight that I cannot button any of my pants.
This target will be difficult to achieve without commiting to a goal of reducing video games playing hours and removing porn and masturbation from my life. I remember how in the end of the last year I was totally porn and masturbation free, and how more productive I was. Especially, when I watch porn, the categories that I watch are quite hardcore and I am not sure whether I would be turned on in a similar fashion if I watched something soft.
The problem is that I do not have this mindset which I had before that I need to go cold turkey. Now, I am weaker mentally and I do not feel ready for big changes.
Before going to sleep, I watched porn and masturbated. My penis was very hard in the end, and I was really surprised. I think that before this day when I got to bed really late, I tried to control my sleep time and the number of sleep hours is consistently equal or higher than six. This might be the reason. Also I tried to go out of home and not to sit at home more than one whole day. Maybe all this time I did not have erection because I had a chronic fatigue? I want to believe that and to believe that I do not have any severe diseases. Even though it means that I had ED for more than 10 years just because of my poor daily routine.
A week ago, I went out with my female friend, and even though we are friends, I could feel how bad I wanted the character of our relations to change to a more romantic side. While my friend is cute, she is not really my type, but because of the absolute ignorance from women for the last one year, I was thinking about her nonstop.
However, in the dating apps, I get almost zero matches, and even the seldom ones disappear after I propose them to meet.
This leads me to the thought that either I do not look good enough, or I speak not well enough.
In any case, I can outline the absolute priorities for my life based on the current situation in the following order:
1. Continue to look for a job, read some job related material.
2. Sleep - I can distinctively see the positive effects on my body. However, I still go to bed quite late - need to focus on that.
3. Exercise. My current physical shape is pathetic - I do not have muscles at all. My shoulders are inexistent.
4. More balanced diet, particularly less sugar - I became so overweight that I cannot button any of my pants.
This target will be difficult to achieve without commiting to a goal of reducing video games playing hours and removing porn and masturbation from my life. I remember how in the end of the last year I was totally porn and masturbation free, and how more productive I was. Especially, when I watch porn, the categories that I watch are quite hardcore and I am not sure whether I would be turned on in a similar fashion if I watched something soft.
The problem is that I do not have this mindset which I had before that I need to go cold turkey. Now, I am weaker mentally and I do not feel ready for big changes.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
For the rest of the day, I played video games, watched porn and masturbated two more times...
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Today, on 27 March, I PMOed another two times. Enough is enough. I should not do it this often.
I was walking a lot in the last week, and I had an impression that the sperm color improved a bit. But it is not 100%.
I was walking a lot in the last week, and I had an impression that the sperm color improved a bit. But it is not 100%.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Yesterday, I was in a meetup of some random people in a bar, and I was speaking there to a young girl who was not really my type but I felt sympathy for her.
We spoke for some time, and then we went to a club with a group of people including this girl. However, I felt really tired. Also, dancing is not my thing - I am not self-confident in real life, let alone on a dance floor. Nonetheless, I guess, I was the one she liked there the most. But I was so uncofident about myself that my stress levels were going very high and I could not tolerate any longer. So, I left very soon.
Sadly, when I left the club and was heading home, I felt bad about not continuing the evening with the girl. I thought that I am a loser and started comparing myself to more successful guys. I think that these moments are the moments when I do something stupid. As the next thing that I did was texting to a shemale prostitute with the proposal to meet. Luckily, it was very late and she did not answer.
When I was going home, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and I became afraid - I looked so much tired! I do not know what is the reason behind it as I improved my sleeping routine, I try to eat regularly, walk on a daily basis, and even exercise sometimes. Maybe the reason is the exposure to phone and computer pretty much all day long.
Additionally, in the meeting I met some really interesting people! So interesting and with such a wide span of knowledge, that I dropped out of the conversation and was only listening to them. In high school, I was quite knowledgeable about everything, but it is no longer the case. And I noticed that I struggle to keep conversation going and maintain the tone of the conversation - I simply lack communication skills.
I also met some nice people who were in their 40s and were very alone - I could see their look when they talked to the people of the other gender. It was a look of someone desperate, deprived of communication to the opposite sex and feeling lonely and undervalued deep inside. I definitely do not want to end up like this, but I am afraid that I am moving slowly in this direction thanks to my daily choices of staying home and playing games, watching porn and not showing interest to anything.
My habits of looking for a good porn video for hours and playing video games take all my time and energy and I end up always being with low energy, ignorant, unaware even of the latest news happening in the world or in the country, and not self-developing at all. The last 20 years of consistent choices in favor of easy dopamine and instant gratification shaped me in the person who I am today. And while I am not a villian and I try to always take into account the interests of other people and not doing any harm to others, I totally disrespect and dislike my today's version.
I think that yesterday's going-out gave me some food for thought and reminded me of the problem areas which I have, predominantly that I became antisocial due to my "isolated" hobbies, that I do not know a lot of stuff, and that I do not look healthy most probably because of my "isolated" hobbies, too. And I could also see the version of my future-self if I do not change my behaviours soon enough.
Now I have to make the choice - continue ruining my life and moving in the way of less resistance, or take initiative and start changing something at least.
Of course, my life won't be ideal - I am already 35 and have nothing today - no job, no family, no kids, no experience, no knowledge, no hobbies (except porn and video games), no hair, no health, no sexual health, no physical shape, no life for these 35 years. But at least I might fight and try to improve something. Because if I do not, by the age of 45 I will understand that my life is wasted and it will be a total crash and disappointment.
We spoke for some time, and then we went to a club with a group of people including this girl. However, I felt really tired. Also, dancing is not my thing - I am not self-confident in real life, let alone on a dance floor. Nonetheless, I guess, I was the one she liked there the most. But I was so uncofident about myself that my stress levels were going very high and I could not tolerate any longer. So, I left very soon.
Sadly, when I left the club and was heading home, I felt bad about not continuing the evening with the girl. I thought that I am a loser and started comparing myself to more successful guys. I think that these moments are the moments when I do something stupid. As the next thing that I did was texting to a shemale prostitute with the proposal to meet. Luckily, it was very late and she did not answer.
When I was going home, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and I became afraid - I looked so much tired! I do not know what is the reason behind it as I improved my sleeping routine, I try to eat regularly, walk on a daily basis, and even exercise sometimes. Maybe the reason is the exposure to phone and computer pretty much all day long.
Additionally, in the meeting I met some really interesting people! So interesting and with such a wide span of knowledge, that I dropped out of the conversation and was only listening to them. In high school, I was quite knowledgeable about everything, but it is no longer the case. And I noticed that I struggle to keep conversation going and maintain the tone of the conversation - I simply lack communication skills.
I also met some nice people who were in their 40s and were very alone - I could see their look when they talked to the people of the other gender. It was a look of someone desperate, deprived of communication to the opposite sex and feeling lonely and undervalued deep inside. I definitely do not want to end up like this, but I am afraid that I am moving slowly in this direction thanks to my daily choices of staying home and playing games, watching porn and not showing interest to anything.
My habits of looking for a good porn video for hours and playing video games take all my time and energy and I end up always being with low energy, ignorant, unaware even of the latest news happening in the world or in the country, and not self-developing at all. The last 20 years of consistent choices in favor of easy dopamine and instant gratification shaped me in the person who I am today. And while I am not a villian and I try to always take into account the interests of other people and not doing any harm to others, I totally disrespect and dislike my today's version.
I think that yesterday's going-out gave me some food for thought and reminded me of the problem areas which I have, predominantly that I became antisocial due to my "isolated" hobbies, that I do not know a lot of stuff, and that I do not look healthy most probably because of my "isolated" hobbies, too. And I could also see the version of my future-self if I do not change my behaviours soon enough.
Now I have to make the choice - continue ruining my life and moving in the way of less resistance, or take initiative and start changing something at least.
Of course, my life won't be ideal - I am already 35 and have nothing today - no job, no family, no kids, no experience, no knowledge, no hobbies (except porn and video games), no hair, no health, no sexual health, no physical shape, no life for these 35 years. But at least I might fight and try to improve something. Because if I do not, by the age of 45 I will understand that my life is wasted and it will be a total crash and disappointment.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
The worst part is that after writing so much about an urge to change my behaviours, at the end of the day I watched porn for 4 hours and masturbated in the end. And after this, I go to sleep at 5 AM.
It leaves me speechless. I do not know what is going on.
It leaves me speechless. I do not know what is going on.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Sometimes, I reflect about life. And I have a lot of time to do that because I do not have a lot of social activities nor friends.
Nonetheless, I have some friends who I know for all my life, but who are making more harm than good. Even though my financial situation is far from good, and they are much better off than me, they still try to use me for their profits. And if I cannot offer anything, they try to drain all my resources by talking about all their problems for hours daily and neglecting mine even if mine are much more serious. However, when everything is good, they disappear for weeks and do not remember about me.
I have never been good in saying "No", and they manipulate the conversation to get what they want from me.
And I have been thinking for quite a long time that I should stop this friendship but each time I tell myself that we've been friends for all my life and that it is really difficult to find a good friend today. But do I really need someone who never cares about me and does not help me to grow but only uses me when he needs me instead? Does this friendship bring me peace, joy and support or it only makes me harm?
I see here correlations with porn. This behaviour is destroying our lives, and it has been with us for too long, so we have a deep connection and practice it often. But we should separate our ways for our own benefits just like in the friends example. Without explanations and long conversations. Simply not answering its calls and urges. Just like manipulative friends, porn always has a contre-argument that will outweigh all your ideas and you will be stuck together again.
There will be no better friends if you do not prepare a space for them in advance. And there will be no better hobbies if you do not get rid of porn in order to create this space for your new hobbies.
Day 1 today (still ongoing).
I do not count the day yesterday because I watched porn and masturbated yesterday at 5AM and it is easier to go with calendar days rather than being precise with time. So far, I am really tired because of bad sleep but do not want to watch porn. Although my willpower is weak, I almost gave up yesterday evening. But I hope to constantly build it again.
Nonetheless, I have some friends who I know for all my life, but who are making more harm than good. Even though my financial situation is far from good, and they are much better off than me, they still try to use me for their profits. And if I cannot offer anything, they try to drain all my resources by talking about all their problems for hours daily and neglecting mine even if mine are much more serious. However, when everything is good, they disappear for weeks and do not remember about me.
I have never been good in saying "No", and they manipulate the conversation to get what they want from me.
And I have been thinking for quite a long time that I should stop this friendship but each time I tell myself that we've been friends for all my life and that it is really difficult to find a good friend today. But do I really need someone who never cares about me and does not help me to grow but only uses me when he needs me instead? Does this friendship bring me peace, joy and support or it only makes me harm?
I see here correlations with porn. This behaviour is destroying our lives, and it has been with us for too long, so we have a deep connection and practice it often. But we should separate our ways for our own benefits just like in the friends example. Without explanations and long conversations. Simply not answering its calls and urges. Just like manipulative friends, porn always has a contre-argument that will outweigh all your ideas and you will be stuck together again.
There will be no better friends if you do not prepare a space for them in advance. And there will be no better hobbies if you do not get rid of porn in order to create this space for your new hobbies.
Day 1 today (still ongoing).
I do not count the day yesterday because I watched porn and masturbated yesterday at 5AM and it is easier to go with calendar days rather than being precise with time. So far, I am really tired because of bad sleep but do not want to watch porn. Although my willpower is weak, I almost gave up yesterday evening. But I hope to constantly build it again.
Impression
Member
Hey man - again it sounds like you are dealing with so much! I don’t know how you do it, but asking questions and seeking answers that are deeper than your most urgent and pressing desires tell you is wise.
I found this talk to be very insightful about change and transformation.
I really love the concept that he speaks about how change is only made through ‘contrary actions’. Actions that are contrary to your standard operating rules. Maybe you’ll find something useful in here.
I found this talk to be very insightful about change and transformation.
I really love the concept that he speaks about how change is only made through ‘contrary actions’. Actions that are contrary to your standard operating rules. Maybe you’ll find something useful in here.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
@Impression thank you for the video, it is very interesting and it is worth trying to implement his ideas!
I think that I am giving myself too much of excuse in porn topic, it is not moving anywhere. It is time to take this situation under control. I will try to be more cautious from now on.
I think that I am giving myself too much of excuse in porn topic, it is not moving anywhere. It is time to take this situation under control. I will try to be more cautious from now on.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Almost 2 days PMO free are achieved. I still feel tired, but I continue walking on a daily basis for at least one hour, and would love to add some physical activities. I tried today some leg exercises, and even though I reduced the number of sets and increased the rest time, I almost died during the training session.
I reduced my playing time, and do not want to watch porn at all as of now. But I have to admit that my will is weak, and I am not sure if I will be able to withstand the temptation in the weekend. But I will do my best to try.
I reduced my playing time, and do not want to watch porn at all as of now. But I have to admit that my will is weak, and I am not sure if I will be able to withstand the temptation in the weekend. But I will do my best to try.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
Today I continued with my usual routine of walking for 1 hour, and while everything seemed to be good, my old friend from another city called me with videocall. I answered her, and she was already in her bed. Then, she started showing me her naked body and saying that she wants intimacy with me. This is the last thing that I needed as I suddenly started thinking of masturbating straight after the call. Luckily, I remembered about this community and this thought stopped me from doing these things. So, I am still clean. Thank you so much for the support guys, it means a lot to me, and I am happy that I can be stopped like that during my weak moments and I hope that my words can help someone to be stronger in the moments of weakness, too.
I will not count this video call as porn because while there was a provocative content as she was completely naked, there were no other people having sex in the call.
I hope that I will become only stronger with time and would not even have thoughts of masturbating, but for now I will just be patient and continue doing my best to avoid porn.
I will not count this video call as porn because while there was a provocative content as she was completely naked, there were no other people having sex in the call.
I hope that I will become only stronger with time and would not even have thoughts of masturbating, but for now I will just be patient and continue doing my best to avoid porn.
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
It has been a while since my last post here. I was quite busy throughout this time - a lot of work, busy weekend, and so on. I am proud to say that I did not do anything from the forbidden trio (PMO) and I already have 12 days (will be 13 soon).
As I stated earlier, the best thing is to keep busy and then you will just not have time for bad habits. Though, previously in my life as soon as I had a free moment, I indulged in this bad habit patterns, now I am more able to control myself. I hope that I won't stop here and continue to increase this streak.
About the girl from another town - I do not want to dive into details, but I want to take a pause from my conversations with her, hopefully a pause forever. Especially I suspect that she did something bad, and now when I tell her about that she tries to manipulate me in being guilty of suspecting her, so it is really unpleasant to talk to her. Besides, I have feelings for someone else, and I do not want to lose focus because of this another town girl.
I did not play games for almost one week, and today I played for a couple of hours and I became very tired. This is what the game does to me on a daily basis, yet I do not notice it because of the habit.
Still need to improve my social skills and expand my connections circle as I am always at home if my the only friend is busy. Will try to participate in some friday events.
As I stated earlier, the best thing is to keep busy and then you will just not have time for bad habits. Though, previously in my life as soon as I had a free moment, I indulged in this bad habit patterns, now I am more able to control myself. I hope that I won't stop here and continue to increase this streak.
About the girl from another town - I do not want to dive into details, but I want to take a pause from my conversations with her, hopefully a pause forever. Especially I suspect that she did something bad, and now when I tell her about that she tries to manipulate me in being guilty of suspecting her, so it is really unpleasant to talk to her. Besides, I have feelings for someone else, and I do not want to lose focus because of this another town girl.
I did not play games for almost one week, and today I played for a couple of hours and I became very tired. This is what the game does to me on a daily basis, yet I do not notice it because of the habit.
Still need to improve my social skills and expand my connections circle as I am always at home if my the only friend is busy. Will try to participate in some friday events.
Impression
Member
Hey @Iwantthesecondchance - this is fantastic news! Well done on reaching 13 days, and also well done for having the fortitude to also not game for some time. You’re doing amazingly well and you’ve progressed so much since I started following your journey a few months ago. Keep it up!
Iwantthesecondchance
Active Member
@Impression thank you very much for the words of encouragement, this means so much to me! I will try to continue with small achievements in order to become better, to change my life and not let you guys, who believe and wish my success, down!
I finally ended the relations with this another town girl. It was not easy, as we had a lot of history, and I did not block her so I can still see her messages and status updates. She told me that it is for good if I continue to suspect her even after all our history and started posting in social media. I know that this is kind of a manipulation, and I never answered. But I continue to see her updates, so maybe it is worth blocking her in order to remove any potential points of interaction.
I won't lie, some part of me wanted her to chase me, maybe my ego. However, I know that these connections are harmful, they take a lot of energy, are toxic and do not bring positive emotions any longer. Plus, they deprive you of the precious time to reach out for new connections. So I am more happy than disappointed about ending this friendship.
I have elevated levels of stress though. First, it is because of my health as I described earlier in the posts. Second, because my boss at work seems to be annoyed with me and gives me shitty tasks but in big volumes. She spends a lot of time teaching others but when I ask her questions about my tasks and it requires only five minutes of her time to explain me the stuff, she tells me that she is busy. I do not like my job, but it is my only source of income and it is really difficult to find a new job, so this stresses me a lot. And finally, I like one woman so much, but she appears to be my friend. I think that I absolutely friendzoned myself. Plus, I am afraid to make moves because of my health issues and because of a fear of losing her even as a friend. All these problems keep me constantly in stress so much that I do not even apply to new jobs even though I should have. I am parallyzed by the stress and it is difficult to move on.
I did not play video games Monday and Tuesday because I was busy and I was arriving back home late in evenings. As a result, I did not get enough sleep and became only more stressed.
I am stuck in these problems in my head, and the only hope that I have is that I will continue my PMO exit streak and it will give me additional self-condifence and strength to fight.
I finally ended the relations with this another town girl. It was not easy, as we had a lot of history, and I did not block her so I can still see her messages and status updates. She told me that it is for good if I continue to suspect her even after all our history and started posting in social media. I know that this is kind of a manipulation, and I never answered. But I continue to see her updates, so maybe it is worth blocking her in order to remove any potential points of interaction.
I won't lie, some part of me wanted her to chase me, maybe my ego. However, I know that these connections are harmful, they take a lot of energy, are toxic and do not bring positive emotions any longer. Plus, they deprive you of the precious time to reach out for new connections. So I am more happy than disappointed about ending this friendship.
I have elevated levels of stress though. First, it is because of my health as I described earlier in the posts. Second, because my boss at work seems to be annoyed with me and gives me shitty tasks but in big volumes. She spends a lot of time teaching others but when I ask her questions about my tasks and it requires only five minutes of her time to explain me the stuff, she tells me that she is busy. I do not like my job, but it is my only source of income and it is really difficult to find a new job, so this stresses me a lot. And finally, I like one woman so much, but she appears to be my friend. I think that I absolutely friendzoned myself. Plus, I am afraid to make moves because of my health issues and because of a fear of losing her even as a friend. All these problems keep me constantly in stress so much that I do not even apply to new jobs even though I should have. I am parallyzed by the stress and it is difficult to move on.
I did not play video games Monday and Tuesday because I was busy and I was arriving back home late in evenings. As a result, I did not get enough sleep and became only more stressed.
I am stuck in these problems in my head, and the only hope that I have is that I will continue my PMO exit streak and it will give me additional self-condifence and strength to fight.