Yesterday, I was in a meetup of some random people in a bar, and I was speaking there to a young girl who was not really my type but I felt sympathy for her.
We spoke for some time, and then we went to a club with a group of people including this girl. However, I felt really tired. Also, dancing is not my thing - I am not self-confident in real life, let alone on a dance floor. Nonetheless, I guess, I was the one she liked there the most. But I was so uncofident about myself that my stress levels were going very high and I could not tolerate any longer. So, I left very soon.
Sadly, when I left the club and was heading home, I felt bad about not continuing the evening with the girl. I thought that I am a loser and started comparing myself to more successful guys. I think that these moments are the moments when I do something stupid. As the next thing that I did was texting to a shemale prostitute with the proposal to meet. Luckily, it was very late and she did not answer.
When I was going home, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and I became afraid - I looked so much tired! I do not know what is the reason behind it as I improved my sleeping routine, I try to eat regularly, walk on a daily basis, and even exercise sometimes. Maybe the reason is the exposure to phone and computer pretty much all day long.
Additionally, in the meeting I met some really interesting people! So interesting and with such a wide span of knowledge, that I dropped out of the conversation and was only listening to them. In high school, I was quite knowledgeable about everything, but it is no longer the case. And I noticed that I struggle to keep conversation going and maintain the tone of the conversation - I simply lack communication skills.
I also met some nice people who were in their 40s and were very alone - I could see their look when they talked to the people of the other gender. It was a look of someone desperate, deprived of communication to the opposite sex and feeling lonely and undervalued deep inside. I definitely do not want to end up like this, but I am afraid that I am moving slowly in this direction thanks to my daily choices of staying home and playing games, watching porn and not showing interest to anything.
My habits of looking for a good porn video for hours and playing video games take all my time and energy and I end up always being with low energy, ignorant, unaware even of the latest news happening in the world or in the country, and not self-developing at all. The last 20 years of consistent choices in favor of easy dopamine and instant gratification shaped me in the person who I am today. And while I am not a villian and I try to always take into account the interests of other people and not doing any harm to others, I totally disrespect and dislike my today's version.
I think that yesterday's going-out gave me some food for thought and reminded me of the problem areas which I have, predominantly that I became antisocial due to my "isolated" hobbies, that I do not know a lot of stuff, and that I do not look healthy most probably because of my "isolated" hobbies, too. And I could also see the version of my future-self if I do not change my behaviours soon enough.
Now I have to make the choice - continue ruining my life and moving in the way of less resistance, or take initiative and start changing something at least.
Of course, my life won't be ideal - I am already 35 and have nothing today - no job, no family, no kids, no experience, no knowledge, no hobbies (except porn and video games), no hair, no health, no sexual health, no physical shape, no life for these 35 years. But at least I might fight and try to improve something. Because if I do not, by the age of 45 I will understand that my life is wasted and it will be a total crash and disappointment.