I want the second chance for normal life

[Iwantthesecondchance]

@Impression thank you for the advice! I would love to stick to it, but, unfortunately, I live in a cheap building with many apartments and thin walls, and I cannot change it now. So, the sleep quality is far from good.

25 days PMO free. And no gaming.
But I won't lie, my emotional state now is far from good. In fact, it is very shaky. All problems that I was talking about above exacerbated. The situation with the woman is that I have no friend nor potential love story anymore. It is finished. I cried after her message, but it has not become easier. Just after receiving a message from her, I wanted to go watch porn and masturbate because I thought that the worst already happened.
And I have so much to improve in my life that I do not know where to start from and it stresses me limitlessly.
I get some opportunities seldom but these are not something that I am interested in so I do not chase them. I do not know how to stay strong. Just a couple of minutes ago, I wanted to call a prostitute and meet her. Then I wanted to watch porn. Somehow I was able to control myself again, but I do not know how long I can bare it. I am deeply depressed.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

27 days PMO free. And still no gaming (but less than 27 days, I do not count for gaming).

I think that while porn and gaming help to forget about your problems while you experience these activities in the sole moment of the process, as soon as you finish, you get the cumulative effect of the striking pain of realizing how reality is bad and the guilt of experiencing these habits at the same time. So, at the end, it hits harder.
And maybe not emerging into this activities once again helps me to navigate a bit better and avoid the rocks.
I came to the realization that this woman might have some sympathy for me, maybe not strong enough to start romantic relations with me, but I am sure that there is something. Yet it is not enough, she has high standards, and I do not actually meet these standards at all. I am not even close. And the women who look at me, I am not interested in them at all. So, if I'd like to have the woman that I like and who actually meets my own standards beside me, I have to go through immense growth journey and only then I will be able to attract this woman.
While I could have developed in my teenage years and my 20s and even 30s, I wasted my free time on porn, video games and people who do not deserve it. So this is where this gap that I need to fill comes from.
So, I need to find motivation. No looking back. Unfortunately, I do not know how to turn back time and correct all my mistakes. So the only way is to move forward. Just forward.
I speak as if I already fixed the problems with my erectile disfunction and the related ones...

 

[Impression]

One step at a time. Progress is as simple as showing up for yourself everyday. Showing up to your walk everyday, showing up to your work everyday. Start by building small positive habits, these compound and before you know it, you will have achieved a huge amount. Each time you want to watch porn, do 10 pushups instead (or something like that). Replace your negative habits with something that actually gives back to you, not takes away from you. You’ve got this! Well done for making it this far.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

@Impression thank you so much for your words of encouragement! They help me to move forward and to believe in the positive outcome.

33 days PMO free. Still no gaming after my last post.

It is pleasant to see that I am able to avoid all my bad habits even though I have not cultivated any new good habits. I had a desire to masturbate a couple of days ago, and it was quite strong, but at some point I told myself that it won't help plus it will stop my journey. I do not know how, but I was able to control my thoughts quite soberly.
With gaming, I do not play either, although sometimes I really want to. I think that I was able to withstand the temptation of playing the game because I also stopped watching youtube videos about the game. Plus, the woman once told me that it is really not cool if someone plays. So, her words influenced me quite strongly.

My health issues concern me a lot. I clearly understand that I cannot move forward because of my health issues in my private life, and it gives me a lot of pain. Also, because of that, I have some mental problems, too, which affect my mood, my motivation, and my career.
Anyway, I will try to fight.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Today, I had a wet dream, and it was very weird. Usually, I have wet dreams when I am stressed and when I do not sleep well for a number of nights in a row. This is exactly what happened. Without going into further details, I have been very stressed recently and I have had insomnia. Yesterday night, I went to sleep and I had a dream where one of my ex-s was stimulating my prostate and then I ejaculated in real life. I do not even know why she came to my dream because I cut all the contacts with her as she was very manipulative. I was sleepy so I did not understand if I wanted to pee or it was an ejaculation. So, I tried to stop it but it was too late. A question to the readers: "When you suddenly wake up during your wet dream, do you try to stop it or you let it go as it already happened? Are there any physical side effects if you try to stop it? "

As it was not on purpose and I did not use any stimulating content be it porn or instagram or anything else before going to sleep, I do not count it as PMO. So, I am 39 days strong now.

However, the recent events in my life make me think of playing games tonight. I do not know how to withstand the pressure. I still do not want to do it, but I feel how the latest events made me suffer and I do not have a lot of mental strength now.

Good luck to everyone who reads this post and I wish your porn free weekend.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Things have not been going nice lately. I have had many ups and downs, more downs than ups. Much more.

I am continuing my strike, so I have 45 days PMO free, but now I can feel at I am on a very slippery surface. I resumed playing games last Friday, and I have been playing a lot since then. It is kind of a tool to release stress, but I noticed that with gaming my resistance to porn has reduced so much!
I think of masturbating every day, and my desire to orgasm is almost out of control. I do not know how I am still able to withstand it.
I also looked through escort websites couple of times, but I was mainly looking at faces, not looking at bodies, or videos, etc.
And I stopped exercising. And going out of home for walks.
During the last days, I have been speaking daily to a friend of mine, who has a bad influence on me. He takes a lot of time talking about some depressive and not really important things, and he goes to sleep really late, so we spoke till late night each day and this is why I went to sleep late, too. As a result, my capacity of being productive and avoiding temptations reduced dramatically. I will need to reduce the duration of my conversations with him as they do not do any good to me. On the contrary, I feel bad each time after talking to him.

I see that I am really close to failure, and if I do not change my behaviour patterns, I will definitely fail.

Moreover, I had some honest feedback recently and I came to realization that I need to work much more on myself if I want to change my career. There is a lot of work to do on every front be it career, health, psychological wellbeing or relationship goals, but I do not have a lot of motivation, determination or energy to get the things done.
And sometimes this stuff that I need to do feels overwhelming, I do not know where to start from.

Furthermore, I do not have self-confidence at all even in simple things. And sometimes I just do not do anything in order not to fail or get into embarrassing situations yet I know that the biggest failure is not to try.

Anyway, there is some food for thought, and I need to clear my mind in the first instance. Probably, the good place to start is getting back to normal sleeping hours and reducing interaction with this friend. Then, it will be nice to add sport and reduce gaming. And then start working on myself careerwise.
Please feel free to give advice on some different or better strategies. Thank you.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Iwantthesecondchance.

I think this is great, not that you're getting tempted, but that you're being reflective and cognitive of what makes you slip up in the past, and the habits you need to acquire to gain success. This is one of the most important aspects of this battle is just seeing how we end up in it. It's very easy to think "it just happens" out of nowhere, however, the more you start becoming aware of the patterns that happen before you slip, the more you realize how much of this is a predictable sequence of events that are not "inevitable" but quite predictable.

Congrats on 45 days free. That's amazing! Never think it's too late to reverse course before plunging back into the darkness. There's always a way to reverse course. There's always hope. There's always light.

You got this.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

@Blondie thank you for your words of encouragement! I have a difficult period now in my life and your words help me going further. I appreciate it a lot!

Continuing going forward. 48 days PMO free now.

I have to do everything from the list in the end of the last message as there is no progress so far.
I went out of home each of the weekend days, and even tried to do some exercises today. It felt more difficult to exercise than before. The pause speaks for itself.
There are downsides, too. I visited escort websites again. And was playing video games. However, I hope that I will be able to reduce bad habits and move towards better decisions.

There are many small things that I have been postponing for a long time, and I hope that I will be able to finally arrange some time to do these things. Actually, I was not busy. I was playing games or sitting on escort websites. And it makes me feel bad. And the content on the escort websites is very close to porn. I try to avoid looking at it, but of course, sometimes you notice things. So, even though I do not consider it as porn, it might be prolonging my treatment from porn addiction.

Anyway, I will try to take things under control, one step at a time.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Yesterday, I was in a bad mood and I was on the verge of masturbating.
I entered escort websites and while I was looking through the advertisements, I decided to masturbate if my favourite pornstar released a new video. Luckily, she has not, or even if she did, it is on OF and I do not have it.
And since I am not orgasming for nearly two months, I want it very bad, but I want it also naturally in sex, but I am not able to achieve erection and I do not want to watch porn.
The situation went out of control and I was really lucky at the end. However, I cannot continue like that. Something has to change.

I have some important and good news though. I took penis doppler procedure, and they said that everything looks fine and that I do not have physical damage. So, my fears that I would require a pump to get an erection is gone. And even though I should be happy, I am still anxious because it seems that my problem is psychological and it has been continuing for more than 10 years.
I have never achieved a good erection in last 10 years except one single time when I took a stimulating medicine. At that moment, I thought to myself that my penis became so hard and I had not experienced it for a couple of years. Later, I would not be able to achieve this type of erection or any erection even with these medicines. And while I am not very athletic, I eat more or less healthy, try not to eat fast food, I almost do not drink nor smoke, do not have too much excess weight, etc. So, if it is purely psychological, I really do not know how to combat it.

I was playing a lot but today I achieved the milestone in the game which would let me play less. I know that I am speaking right now like a really addictive person. And I am indeed.
Not only I play the games but I am also so slow in doing everything that if I play two hours a day I cannot do anything else. And this pisses me off.

I had 53 days without PMO till yesterday, but last evening I saw some videos and photos on the escort website, and while I did not masturbate at all, I think that this was a bit too much to count yesterday as porn-free.
So, it would be better if I say 0 days without porn and 54 days without masturbation or orgasm.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Unfortunately, I had very bad sleep in the last days, what left me less vigilant and less hesitant to take some wrong decisions. I masturbated three times in the last two days. So today I have 0 PMO.
I masturbated with porn, I won't lie. But I noticed that my erection was better than before. I got erected very quickly without help of my hand. And erection was stronger during the masturbation itself. And I am not sure whether it was because of reducing porn consumption a lot, or because of a psychological comfort that there are no veins problems or because of living a healthier life than before, or maybe altogether these factors influenced positively. Nevertheless, I am far away from the state of being cured as I know that my erection is not good yet. I do not achieve it without porn and even MW is not good.
During the procedure at the hospital, they made an injection to cause erection artificially and even then it was not very good. So I have to be patient and continue the road. The journey will be long.
I know that I won't continue this porn and masturbation pattern. I do not know why but I am quite sure about it. I know that there will be another strike starting from tomorrow. Hope this time I will be more in control of things.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

I failed again. Just now. I knew that it was not right but still did it. And this time there is nothing to blame - I slept well, was not stressed, etc. It is only my fault.
0 days now.
I wanted to exercise or to study some materials, and procrastinated. And ended up in this ... again.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Day 1 without PMO done. This is just one day and it does not mean anything, but I cannot be weak anymore. I have to become stronger.
Till Sunday inclusive (1 June), I masturbated 1-2 times per day and on a daily basis. Masturbations followed very hardcore pornography content watching every single time. It had continued rougly ten days. I was drowning. I am still in a bad shape, but at least I put the first brick into the wall.
I tried to imagine my life in the next 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years if I continue like this and the picture is very pitiful. I do not have any options if I fail now. I cannot go to my parents' house nor can I ask some of my friends to help me financially because the truth is that many of my friends already started detaching from me even though they never said it. I just see that they stopped calling, writing, caring and in rare calls that we have they do not want to listen to any of my problems and seem to be quite busy. I do not blame them, and I try not to feel sorry for myself. I just have to break the cycle and start moving forward.
And the way I behave, the way I live my life now - without a purpose, just going with the flow - at least in my case, definitely leads me to the failure. In fact, I am closer to it than I thought.
The situation with the woman that I described earlier exposed my problems of self-esteem, communication with other gender, weak character and lack of masculinity and poor life choices. I let my hopes direct me and neglected facts, intuition and common sense. In reality, I was too approachable and she did not value that. I put her on pedestal straight away and she used me and I was happy to be used. But it is weak mentality. And I have to change that, too.
And I know that porn is one of the most important blockers on my way to better life. So it is crucial to remove it if I want to achieve success. In fact, porn and my passive lifestyle brought me where I am today - both mentally and physically. So I am only going to be buried deeper in this pile of disappointments and regret and not learn how good life can be if I do not break the cycle.

With hopes that new beginnings will eventually bring to some meaningful results...

 

[Impression]

This post is really powerful, man. The acknowledgment of your problem and how it is reaching into the rest of your life is critical for your journey to recovery. It sounds like you’re finding your reason to stop. That reason could be your golden ticket to recovery.
Don’t let go of this. Write it down. Embed it in your brain. Make it count.

You got this!

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

@Impression many thanks for your words of encouragement, brother! I think that I need to write the reasons down on the piece of paper, make ten copies and stick it at my home in the places where I would definitely see them. Otherwise, even if today I am mentally strong, one day I can forget about these reasons for a short period of time, which wiould be long enough to fall in the same trap again.

Now I have 6 days without PMO and mentally I feel much better than one week ago.
I hope to continue slowly, and let us see what lies ahead. Peace to everyone and good luck in your journeys!

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Alright, yesterday I watched escort website but not videos and tried to avoid nudes but still saw some. I have just thought about my early teenage years, when I was only starting watching porn or even before that, when one image of a hot girl was enough to make me want her and become very excited. And if I saw some parts of her body, it was already too much. Now I look at compeletely naked girls and I do not feel anything. And while it is not porn, I would still say that it is an adult content. And remembering that these pictures were making me very excited at my young age makes me rethink about my approach.
I think that half-measures do not really work or they work but much worse than measures. I will not count yesterday as porn watching since it was not porn, but from now on I would count it as porn if I watch it next time. If I want to heal quicker, I need to remove this habit. Besides, it takes a lot of precious time and I am not productive because of it.

So, 7 days now. But again, from now on I will apply more restrictions. And even if it results in smaller strikes, they will be of a better quality.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Zero again...

 

[Impression]

I believe that you can do this! Come on pick yourself up, dust yourself off, try again. You can get over this!

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

I thought that it would be relatively easy for me to climb up, but it is the opposite. I am now in a pathetic situation. I go to sleep very late, my apartment is very dirty, my life is in total mess and I masturbate every single day. I do not even wash my clothes as often as I should. I do not do anything useful in a day, just playing video games, speaking to some of my old acquiantances on the phone who either just call me because they have nothing to do at this particular time and fill their void with me or some who try to talk to me about their problems and neglect mine and watching porn.
I go out for a walk almost on a daily basis, but it does not help a lot. As soon as I get home, I go back to my self-destructive routine.
Today I got up after 15:00 even though I woke up at 12:00. After that, I have not done anything useful. I even wanted to masturbate again because I masturbated after midnight and the day was ruined, but I literally did not have enough strengths to do it. I felt that none of my body cells physically wanted it - it was just my twisted mind.
With summer, it becomes very hot in my room throughout the day, and I convince myself that this is because of the heat, but I know that this is just my loosy attempt to get rid of responsibility. I do not know why I am so weak.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

I masturbated once again just after midnigt, but I can relate it to yesterday and not today especially taking into consideration my sleeping hours. I watched porn with my favourite actress who was 18 at the moment of the video. I was thinking that I will never be with this young beatiful and soft girl in my life. Maybe with any woman at all. And even if I would, she would never feel what the girl from the video felt in the act.
Of course, it is a trap thinking, but it is uncomfortable truth that I try to forget, to hide and try building myself in negligence of this truth.

Maybe it is not that important at all and I am just giving too much attention to trivial things. I do not know. But I always wanted women to feel special with me and because of me, and I never achieved that.

Yesterday I had pain in my eyes as soon as I got up (probably huge lack of sleep, overexposure to screen - almost all day, dust in my room, etc.) and I could not look at screens for some time. I took a paper and a pen and wrote simple tasks for the day that I should have done - buy pasta, write an e-mail, call a doctor, go for a walk in the evening, do laundry, etc. I even added one task to clean the sink as it became brown because I rarely cleaned it and I drank a lot of coffee. Most of the tasks would not require more than 10-15 minutes. Surprisingly enough, it became easier to do the things and stick to this plan. Although I did not complete more than a half of the tasks, the day felt more productive than previous days.
Today I added some tasks to the list, but I think it would be more powerful to re-write all the remaining tasks from yesterday and add new ones - it would give more responsibility for prioritizing the tasks that I did not do yesterday and draw more focus to these tasks. But it is a tiny step and I have a long road to recovery. Especially taking into account my habits to break everything at once and then take long time before starting recovery.

Sorry for not encouraging any of you nowadays, I just do not have it in me for the moment. I am at the absolute low level of energy and motivation right now.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS A LOT OF BORDERLINE CONTENT BELOW, SO IF YOU DO NOT FEEL READY, JUST SKIP IT

I relapsed a few times throughout this period. One day, I masturbated to a video of a naked model and it was a progress because usually I masturbate to some aggressive categories of porn. However, later the same day I masturbated to a porn video of my favorite porn star where she was 18. Even though I have watched this video more than 100 times, only during the last time I noticed that she experienced a lot of pain in the act. Of course mixed with pleasure, but I am 100% sure that pain prevaled at some points. And I also noticed that unconsciously I became more excited at the times she experienced pain. Maybe because she cried more loudly at these moments, or because pain in sex does not seem as something very bad. I did not like the fact that I became more excited because of this, but I couldn't do anything about it.
I think that she did not even fully understand what she was doing and maybe this is one of the reasons she does not film anywhere but OF anymore. I found her recent video, and I noticed that she is not as attractive as when she was 18. And I thought that time changes everything. People change, they become more mature, the only thing that does not change is me masturbating to porn videos on the Internet.

I feel empty and broken. Everyday I lack energy and do not do anything useful. I put important things on hold, and I play video games and watch porn instead. And I usually play in the first half of the day and watch porn in evenings. When I try to study some materials or look for a job in between, I already don't have sufficient determination because games suck it out of me. And in the evenings, I am disappointed about doing nothing productive throughout a day and I surrender to porn. Or play games again because there are some daily / weekly achievements that I have not hit yet. These achievements are more vivid than my life objectives because as I play the game all the time, they are always in front of my nose and yet they are so clear. You will play three games, you will get an award. You will kill twenty zombies, another award. Win two games, the third award is yours. Porn is the same. You know that it will happen there. You see the actors in the image before the video starts downloading. You can even scroll where you want, the only problem is to find a video you like. And you arrive there quite quickly. Everything is clear and easy. Whereas, you can apply to 10 jobs or 100 jobs and you do not know whether you will land an interview or not. There are so many if-s, a lot of unknown. And it blocks me, makes me do other things. I won't lie, even writing this post is a trick to win some time and not to look for a job. But usually I just play or watch porn. And it is a vicious cycle. I can't reprogram myself to start doing useful things first thing in the morning and then to play when I have free time. Previously I used to have only one game on my phone, now I have three plus I play mini-games here and there.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up as a small boy but with clear knowledge of what to do and not to do in life. I guess many of us would like to do it. Yet many of us would make the same mistakes again...