I want the second chance for normal life

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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Everything is out of control. I masturbate three times per day on a daily basis, always while watching hardcore porn categories. I do not go to sleep earlier than at 2:00 AM. I committed to some tasks for some people, and I constantly prolong the deadlines or come unprepared, thus tarnishing my reputation. I do not apply to jobs, I start losing friends as they go forward but I am going backwards. I stopped exercising and my diet went out of control. I spend more time in games than I sleep or work. Or I watch shorts and reels. My eye pain is getting worse and worse as I spend all days in front of the screen.
Approximately one month and a half ago, I imagined how I'd live in the short-, mid- and long-term future. The results were catastrophic. I was panicking and wanted to take situation under control. Today, one and a half month later, I am stuck in the situation only deeper. As if I forgot what I said or it was not me saying that. I also noticed that sometimes my mind is blurred yet I do not do drugs (even weed) and I almost do not drink. I think of some events and imagine that they took place a while ago; however, this happened just yesterday. Or I do not remember some events at all. I think that it can be either because of lack of sleep or because of pollution of my mind with porn, video games and reels.
I wanted to delete the games from my phone but then I started convincing myself that I spent so much time for the in-game awards that I cannot delete them now. This situation is pathetic because I do not say that "Hey! You are wasting your best years on this bullshit! You could have done so much more if you were focused on your knowledge, your mental health and your body! Instead, you try to get some pictures online spending hours daily on grinding for these rewards. You already have a bad eye pain, you won't marry if you continue like this, and you'll stay in this shitty job of yours in the best case. You could even just walk in the fresh air in the worst case, but you sit at home and play this thing like a zombie! What will happen if you do not get these skins in the game? Or if you do not get the icon for your contributions to weekly events? Will you become an outcast? But what if you do not live your life and wake up when you are 60 years old and you have nothing in your life? Will you be happy?"
The response to these questions is so clear, yet somehow I manage to neglect it further and further. I either say to myself that I can manage everything at the same time, or I say 'just one more game' and then I forget everything I said before.
I have impression that I am deliberately bury myself because I hate myself and I do not want to accept what I have become.
If I do not take the situation under control now, I might reach the point when it will be too late and I won't change the new present no matter how hard I'd try.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
I masturbated continuously everyday till yesterday inclusively. So today is my day 0.
What did I notice throughout this time frame? I was constantly trying to ruin myself. I added a lot of sugar, junk food like chips, fast food, ice cream, cookies, etc. Not healthy porn and video games consumption. As if I enjoy ruining myself and then building myself from small pieces. But I do not start from 0, I actually start from point at the time X and I won't be able to conquer the world as in video games because I have limited number of resources and they are diminishing with time.
I saw my friends a couple of days ago. They were bragging about their achievements, and when it came to my situation where I was able to secure the job that I do not like and that actually brings me to the dead end (of course it is better than nothing and considering my minimal efforts it is not that bad), I could feel in their looks and words disappointment about me, that I did not try hard enough and that I could have done better. I felt miserable at that point of time because I knew that I could have done better. It is not guaranteed that I would secure a better job, but at least I could have tried. Yet it is my own fault.
My other friend tells me that I might have ADHD which prevents me from being productive. But I am not sure about that as I was able to be concentrated on my studies all my life when I needed it. I think that my dopamine level is at the absolute zero because of my addiction to social media, porn and games - the resources of quick gratification that drain my dopamine levels.
Anyway, I am fed up with this situation.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
3 days without PMO. When I say without PMO, I literally mean that. I did not even watch nudes. Yes, I entered an escort website once, but did not look there at nudes or even models in underwear.
Obviously, I feel better now.
Was quite busy in the first two of the three days, so this is why I did not do anything. Yesterday, I had an urge of masturbating, but somehow I was able to fight the temptation.
So far, I am not ready to make commitments but detox will definitely work.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
@Impression thank you, man!

I masturbated two times looking at porn after that post, but both were done with the purpose of giving analysis (second time in clinic).

So today is day 0.

I met some of my friends recently, and I realized that they think that I am a failure and that I hit the rock bottom. They are correct up to this point and I have to crawl out of my current state. Not to prove them wrong, I actually even like that they think this way of me, but because I really live beyond the poverty line and I want a better life for my loved ones.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
I have seven days of PMO abstinence and this time I have not visited escort websites nor I looked at some borderline materials.
However, today I watched scenes of using a prostitute's services in GTA V (video game) in Youtube. I do not know if it is something that counts as porn or not but I felt excited while watching the scene.
And even though it is a big win for me not to visit an escort website for more than one week and to stay away from porn and masturbation for one week, I just replaced this activity with gaming. I was gaming all day long and it was a game almost 25 years old. I spent so much time in the game that my eyes were aching. I did not leave home and all I did was playing.
I took an interview in a great firm a while ago, and this week I received a rejection e-mail. Although I knew that I would be rejected, I became disappointed when receiving the letter and decided to numb my disappointment with the video game.
My family goes through some serious difficulties now, and I am not ready to help them because I am at the lowest point in my life.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Alright, folks, I hope you are doing fine.

I have 19 days without either porn or masturbation or orgasm. The maximum I watched were some photos of models with a borderline content in instagram.
Of course, I feel better. But I have not started doing anything productive instead. Most of the time, I am at home watching stupid youtube videos. Less gaming than 10 days ago. But it is still here and not little.
Now, I do not know whether I have gas in me to fight for something big or maybe I should settle down for something mediocre in life. I am not sure that I have sufficient intellectual abilities in order to achieve heights in career or business anyway. Both the ways are difficult - one is difficult because I will have to go out of my comfort zone and fight for the success, and the other one is hard because I will know deep inside that I did not fight and just walked away and my life does not ignite a spark in my eyes.
Anyway, I am without porn and escort websites and I feel good about it. I hope that I won't come back to it. And that I will be able to remove other bad habits one at a time as soon as I solidify my progress in the current problematic area.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Hi to everyone.

I have looked at the escort website three - four times since the last publication here. Yet I am porn and masturbation free and I need to get rid of the escort websites, too. I do not want to be sucked in the myriad of these destroying habits by giving in and letting in more and more of them eventually. As one can observe from my journal, the recovery takes quite a long time for me and it is better to avoid any of these triggers altogether.
The biggest issue for me right now is my low productivity. I deliberately postpone either the job search or some literature reading and studies and I want to get up and do anything else the moment I finally start working.
I gained weight and most of the times I stay at home either lying in my bed and daydreaming or scrolling social media.
I start to see that it is not enough to be just a nice guy in order to keep friends close. Many of them see your low standards of living, your inability or low desire to change something in your life and they do not want to sacrifice their comfort and spend time with you in places which they would not attend on their own usually. Nowadays, almost everyone puts their comfort on the first place. I do not want to dive into the thought process if it is right or wrong, just telling what I see. And I do not want to wine about it and feel sorrow and pity to myself that I am left alone.
Maybe I have not met many sincere and open people on my way, but as I can see things, in this world you need to earn at least some certain amount of money to guarantee a minimum degree of comfort and care to yourself in case everything goes wrong tomorrow because at the end no one cares about you, people care only about themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases it is related to your family members, too.
So, the only thing I can do now is to shut up, become disciplined and pave my way out of this poverty and hopelessness. Not to attract other people, but to help myself not to be left at the outskirts of life and to ensure that I have at least some money tomorrow if things turn out to be really bad because no one is going to come and save me.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Still struggling with the productivity. No moving forward.

I have urges to masturbate but I am able to cope with them so far. I noticed today that I lost my muscle mass and gained a lot of weight as I have not been working out for two months. I cannot reinitiate my workouts till 2026 so I have to accept that I will lose even more muscles (and I do not have a lot, so probably I will become skinny fat again).

I am very negative in my thoughts, and my thoughts are even dark. I need to become more optimistic or I will not be able to withstand the pressure of the struggle I am going through right now.
 
R

Recovery Will Come

Active Member
Hey I’ve had the same stumbles throughout this process I made it to 104 days hard mode and a dream just like that had me go back… It’s not easy but you can get through this… I’m starting day 1 myself today for the first time in 3 years and it’s really about discipline and for me God…. Try to create a schedule and stay busy everyday…. Try making a YouTube account specifically for this reboot… Subscribe to No Fap videos and rebootnation videos to get educated through this process and watch other people’s journeys aswell is very helpful… Make a motivational playlist through Motivational speech videos or inspiring music…. Finding other healthy habits to replace the addiction is also very helpful and important aswell…. Any sports or even going to the library and reading new books and avoid anything that has to do with women on pixels… Real women should only exists to you during this process….. Being home as little as possible is also very helpful… Good luck and if you feel any temptation you can always post here and get support….
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
@Recovery Will Come thank you very much for your support and the advice you gave! I wish you a productive journey and to achieve your ultimate goals!

I have been working on a project for the last week, and even though I am far from productive, it has been more progress than for the last two months.
However, I became very lazy - I do not even want to go brush my teeth. I do not know what is causing this kind of apathy. I think that I see my friends who are successful and I remember the times when I was one of them and now they tend to call me less and less and I feel how I drop out of the friends circles.
Unfortunately, we rarely have one problem at a time, and we usually have many problems at once. I am in this situation right now - ED, porn addiction, video gaming addiction, no gf, no kids, no family, less and less friends, no healthy body, no good job and no sufficient salary. The only bright spot here is that I am continuing my journey without porn and masturbation. I do not count days, but it has been already almost a month and a half. I sometimes watch nude pictures, but I have to get rid of it, too.
I have to learn to get things done.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
I have made some progress on my project and I try to work as much as I can but yesterday I looked at my screen time and I got shocked - I almost spend 12 hours a day on my phone. I was thinking it would be around 3-4 hours but man I was so wrong!
I still have a lot to do on my project and I hope that now realizing how much time I spend on my phone I will be better prepared and put some screen time limits and thus enhance my productivity.
Another problem that keeps my mood really low is that I am close to my family but I see each of them ruining their lives. I live in another town but I try to talk to them almost every single day by phone and persuade them to take care of themselves or change something in their lives. But they do not want to hear me. I tried to influence them when I was visiting but it did not help.
I am crying right now while writing this post.
I cannot make anything out of my own life and seeing their way of living and not being able to change it only suffocates me more.
 
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Impression

Active Member
Hey @Iwantthesecondchance, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time with your self esteem and with your family as well. It makes it extra difficult to pull yourself up when you see your loved ones also falling down.

But seeing you come back here to your journal and to other people’s threads time after time makes me think that there is a voice inside of you that is telling you not to give up and to keep trying. There is a strength and a deep resilience that is inside you that is keeping a fire lit inside you, a fire that is calling to be fed. Find ways to feed that fire. Soon you’ll be burning so bright that you won’t recognize yourself. I believe in you!
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Hi, @Impression. Thank you very much for your words of encouragement. I will try to become stronger on my way.

Today I watched porn and masturbated two times. After first time I had a pain in my testicles. I think it happened because of 50 days abstinence from masturbation or any form of sex.
I hope that it won't result in a new wave of 3 months porn watching non-stop.

yesterday I looked at my screen time and I got shocked - I almost spend 12 hours a day on my phone. I was thinking it would be around 3-4 hours but man I was so wrong!
Click to expand...
Finally I put 1 hour per day screen time limit on my instagram. Also, I put 1 hour limit on one of the games. But I still need to reduce these time limits. As I play other games, too.

First and foremost, I need to go to bed earlier, because now I go to sleep between 2:00 - 5:00 AM and then I wake up not earlier than at 11:00 AM.
I have not worked on my project since my last post, so I have to restart.

Tomorrow is the new start for my journey to the porn-free life.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
After watching the porn on Tuesday, I have the strong desire to watch it again. The urges are unbearable. I do not know how I am still able to avoid porn.
I am almost 2 days sober (PMO).
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Everything was good since the last post till today (yesterday night but it was already after the midnight). I watched porn and masturbated twice today. As a result, I did not sleep properly and do not feel well for the whole day.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Hi to everyone!
I have been clean for the last three days. Yesterday I had this thought of watching porn and masturbating while I was working on the project and I could not move forward. The thought was growing bigger and bigger and at some moment I wanted to give it a go.
Luckily, I was tired and lazy to open the porn website. I also installed some expansion for my browser to block porn websites. Unfortunately, it does not block all the websites, but the one that I wanted is blocked so I was lazy to turn the expansion off although it is just the matter of two-three clicks.
Today I had a walk in a park under the sun and feel much better. I think that not going out of your room for many days does not lead to good thoughts and can bring you to the actions that you will be ashamed of or suffer from in the future.
 
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