Porn Escalation has confused me

SomethingDeep

New Member
Hello everyone,

This is gonna be a long post.

I'm a 25 y.o guy, never been diagnosed with ocd before. I was living a fulfilling life. But my consumption of porn was very high, it was pretty much on a daily rate and sometimes up to 3/4 times a day...I've never been alerted by this before until the major escalation happened.

So I consumed porn for at least 13 years. It mainly started because I was a horny little guy and wanted to masturbate to some boobs and pussy. This was the case for a long time. My social life on the other hand was not extremely dead because I was having little guy's adventures with girls too...Overall my consumption porn in early years was moderate...Now as I mentionned, I've always been 100% straight and attracted to girls and never had any weird feeling or attraction toward a guy...I also wanna say that I'm not someone homophobic, I've close friends of all sexual orientations and we go along pretty good, I really don't care about what people do in their bedrooms.

Now with the years to follow, I started knowing more and more girls (Become a womanizer if we can say so) and some of the porn masturbation was replaced with nudes masturbation...but the consumption of porn was reduced in a way (3 to 4 times a week)...around that time I started being more intimate with girls ans having sex, and damn let me tell you it's the best thing in the world (Boobs are the best thing ever)...I've never had any ED problem or something like that.

Lately, with the pandemic and other issues, my masturbation had become critical and my consumption of porn went through the roof, and I started discovering new escalations in straight porn I would never do in real life...Then I ended up watching shemales having sex with girls (I could never watch shemales havig sex with a guy)...In the past 2 weeks, I came across a porn video having a bi threesome (MMF) and the novelty of it made me masturbate to it. I felt extremely disgusted afterwards and shame (Regret and anxiety still wake me up in the middle if the night)...I wanna say that this was the second bi video I watched (Couldn't venture more into the genre, it's not me) as the first one was a pure incident but kept ringing in my mind which cause some hocd and eventually ended up watching the damned video. I would like to say that I had a dream about a bi threesome that felt so real and it probably what triggered my mild hocd.

I've quit porn for 11 days now (planning on at leat 30 hard more and eventually stop porn for the longest period possible), I only had intrusive thoughts the first 2 days as I was confused. Now I don't get them at all, my groinal response is very low, I'm still noticing girls on the street and the beach (I can't help but stare), and I've never been attracted by a guy (still none)...I feel that my libido and sexual desire are kinda low probably because I quit porn, I only got a morning wood once since I quit, before quitting I would get them and the y last for long.

I'm sure that I wouldn't have a problem when having sex with my girlfriend (hopefully) after at leat 30 days hard mode (no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm), but I'm still scared I'll get some ED or something, even tho I feel pretty confident everyday, especially that I didn't have any issues even with the porn addiction.

But one thing that I can't shake off my head is the shame, the regret and the guilt for watching that video, I just can't seem to accept the idea and fotgive myself for it and move on. It's something that I would never done if it wasn't for porn and I'm so shamed to havr lost control like this, the thought is taking away my sleep and my appetite, and I can't concentrate.

At this point, it feels more like guilt and regret, and sexual performance than Hocd. I just wanna know if any of you have some tips to fight those feelings and forgive myself because it's really driving me crazy.
 

SomethingDeep

New Member
I actually kinda know what happened to me if I'm analyzing the situation right.

I got pavloved by porn, with the excessive viewing my brain associated the presence of the penis and at least a girl to the arousal, which is the straight strandard if you think about it, but with the numerous videos and genres this presence of the penis became tolerated, and so I jumped to bi porn that has both a penis and a girl. Now I'm hope to reverse this.

Why I say I had mild hocd, it because for sometime I thought I was bi. But now I'm sure I'm not but the regret is just tremendous, I wish I could go back in time and never watch that video...I keep comparing myself to my friends and saying "Why the fuck did I do that? Why the fuck didn't stop before?", it's hurting my self esteem.
 
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