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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The worst part about all of it is that it did not feel wrong while happening but of course immediately after i felt shame and disgust.
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I find it fascinating how porn affects people so differently. My bro found a porn mag on his paper route in an alley in the snow when he was about 11 I was about 14. He showed it to me and instantly I was hooked and still am. Though it seems to have the power to nearly destroy me I don't think he ever really struggled with it.
I have a more or less similar situation. I saw a scene in a movie when I was 7 and I was instantly hooked. I don't know, something happened in my brain and I was not supposed to be interested in sex and stuff like that yet. I started masturbating at 7 replaying that scene in my head. Some years later, my cousin discovered softcore porn movies after midnight and then a hardcore porn channel after midnight and we used to masturbate, watch and do the same things porn related until he stopped and I'm here. I don't know, I have this feeling that some people have "the brain" for porn addiction, I don't know exactly how it works. But I guess that people with large ability and preference for fantasizing are more at risk because this describes me. It wasn't long until porn started to get my fantasies going, fantasies that still push me hard towards a relapse even to this day.
 

ulaire14

Member
Good to know you are on day 13 ulaire!
Maybe travelling is the thing that connects with your soul. It might help you break your addiction.
Day 19 and I think you are right. I feel so rested and at peace when travelling. I had a really good vacation and had moments where I felt like a better version of myself. My wife even made a comment that it seemed like I was back. It may be helping that I am resisting the urges even though I have relapsed. The more I resist the more confident I am feeling. I cannot wait to get to the point where I can resist and avoid all the triggers.
 

ulaire14

Member
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
Yes, the dopamine rush takes over so easily. It feels really good to hear from other people and know just how not alone we all are in this struggle.
 

yogi

Active Member
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
Indeed that's true.
The dopamine rush at that moment blocks out all thoughts of what is going to happen next. Then after the O, as dopamine levels fall, the self-pity starts taking over. Its like climbing to top of the roller coaster and then vroom you are on your way down.

Now on abstaining, my mental state is easily controllable, more like a car journey on the highway.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 0,

Well I am starting over. I am not sure what the trigger was this last night other than I was not feeling very good? It seems like as soon as I start to feel I am out of the grasp it finds a way to catch me. The only thing I did notice is that it did not escalate to videos. Maybe I am slowly breaking down the hold on me even though I have relapsed a couple times. It definately feels harder not to look at P now that I have tried to stop MO. I will get this behind me and continue my reboot.
 

yogi

Active Member
Ulaire reset and restart and don't give up. Thats how all of us have struggled (and in many cases, still struggling).

Cheer up! Every day is a fresh start.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,
Things are going ok. I have been sick for a few days and have had a tough time sleeping. Been taking some meds to try and help. I have had some urges in this time and do not know if I messed up once or if I had a bad dream as the meds are quite strong. Either way I am still moving forward. I will have some more time off coming up and will be away for about a week. These days away always help. I have noticed that alcohol and some of the meds I have around make me get urges much more easily.
Something I have not mentioned is I have gotten off most meds I had taken for anxiety/adhd and the like since I significantly reduced the amount of P I have watched over the last year. I am going to get rid of any old meds that I do not need. Seems to always be another trigger. I am also going to avoid alcohol for a month and see how that works.
I am excited to think that I may have isolated the last of my triggers such as the meds for my adhd and alcohol. This process is definately trial and error. I will update before my vacation and after.
 
Hello,
Things are going ok. I have been sick for a few days and have had a tough time sleeping. Been taking some meds to try and help. I have had some urges in this time and do not know if I messed up once or if I had a bad dream as the meds are quite strong. Either way I am still moving forward. I will have some more time off coming up and will be away for about a week. These days away always help. I have noticed that alcohol and some of the meds I have around make me get urges much more easily.
Something I have not mentioned is I have gotten off most meds I had taken for anxiety/adhd and the like since I significantly reduced the amount of P I have watched over the last year. I am going to get rid of any old meds that I do not need. Seems to always be another trigger. I am also going to avoid alcohol for a month and see how that works.
I am excited to think that I may have isolated the last of my triggers such as the meds for my adhd and alcohol. This process is definately trial and error. I will update before my vacation and after.
Hey man. I have been at home alone recovering from surgery for a week and still 2 weeks to go. I am usually a regular drinker however since I have been stuck at home I haven't had any booze. I think if I were drinking I would have no hope kicking P. It really is a big boost on your journey to be PMO free. If I feel any urge to consume P I take myself outside and sit on the street. Can't satisfy urges there...
Good to see you getting back in the saddle. You got this. Best of luck.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,

It has been a little while since I last wrote. Things have been going well since i went on vacation and have been spending alot of time with my wife. I have noy had much time to be tempted or have stray thoughts. I will start writing more now that I may be less busy the next couple weeks. I think if I can find ways to be some what busy I will be fine. My relationships in life have really been benefitting lately since this journey of no PMO began. I realized I am feeling a little more free. I will update again soon.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,

My wife was gone this weekend and I was real concerned. This is one of the toughtest times for me when my wife is gone. I did get a terrible urge tonight but called my wife to see how she was doing. This greatly helped. She will be home in about an hour and I will have made it three days without her here and not having a relapse. I feel this is a huge step and the easiest time I have had with her gone. Things seem to be getting easier again but this makes me feel on guard because of how easy it felt the time I made it 32 days and slipped up before I could even think about it. That is all for now. I am planning on being more consistent with my journaling.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 0,

Hi everyone. I have been out of here for a bit. It really feels like I lost motivation to keep trying to quit pmo after a few setbacks. However, today made me realize I cannot give up. I want to get my life back and be free. I am going to try and approach things differently--- I just need to figure out what that approach is. It feels like I have been caught in limbo for the last couple weeks and I just cant stand this feeling. So here we go. I am going to keep trying and find new ways to beat this.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 3,

Feels good to be back on the wagon. I am already in a better mood and woke up easier this morning. It is tough though because I can just feel that my motivation level still isnt as high as I would like it to be. I knew this would not be easy and that I would have to try many times. It is a good feeling to know I can write on here and not be the only one going through this garbage. I will write again soon.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 0,

It feels like I knew this would happen. I already messed up again. I am in such a terrible mindset and really do feel like I cannot be free. It is embarrassing and demoralising. I wish i could get back to the willpower and mindset that I had just a couple months ago. I just need to find that motivation. Things were starting to get so good before I spiralled. The wife is out of town and makes this a thousand times harder. I will probably let her know tomorrow. Just need to write my triggers and reasons for quitting down.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 5,

Hello everyone things have been tough with my wife out of town but I am pushing through. Still trying to figure out what is going to get me motivated like I was before. It does feel good to have some control again and be writing. It has been stormy so I havent been able to do the normal things that get my head right. Feels weird though like I am starting all over again but I am just glad I am where I am. I will update soon.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 1,

Last night did not go as planned and I did PMO. I did make a connection this time though. My wife comes home today and the last time she was out of town I did PMO the day before she came home. Almost like my brain convinced me this was my last chance to do it. It still crazy to me how much my brain can control me when it should be the other way around. Another factor too which happened last time is I drank alcohol. I am quite certain this is a trigger for me and I have not had a drink in a few weeks. I need to figure out how to deal with the last day of my wife being gone. All things considered I was definately feeling better these last 5 days than I thought. Especially compared to right now but oddly enough I feel supwr motivated again. I definately need to stay away from alcohol for a little while longer or else only drink when I am with my wife. Right now Ibam deeling with a little depression and defeat because of last night but I am ready to move forward from this (again). I will update soon.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 4,

Went out with the wife last night and had a really good time. I feel like it was the most engaged I have been in a long time on a date night. I think I am still making progress as bad as I have felt of late. It is good to see what I am working towards again. This vicious cycle needs to be broken. It has been a major roller coaster ride that doesnt slow down very often. I have noticed the more I focus on my failures the mire the urges come to want to do PMO. I need to remember that I cant avoid all of my triggers and that I need to learn ways to change what my brain connects to. I am going to start looking up new fun hobbies for when I cannot be outside all the time with the winter monthd coming. Anyways that is all for now.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello everyone,

I was away for quite some time. Things were going quite well for me and I thought I was in the clear. The last couple months were a quick slide back into the same old habits. It was a wake up call to remind myself this will be a day to day thing for some time.
It was so much more helpful when I was posting and keeping in touch. Here is day 1 of my new effort.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 7,

Hi everyone,

I almost let myself slip again. Need to stay more engaged so that i feel more accountable. Going to be visiting family out of town this week so that should be a huge help.
I rarely get tempted when I am not in my own home.
Nothing else new to report at this moment. It feels weird starting over on here again. I will keep updating.
 
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