I Think I did Some Wrong Last Night

MashuSan

Member
Last night I made my girlfriend do some kinky stuff and kind of act out some of the porn that I was watching.

Quick context setting: I relapsed a few days ago after a good month and a half and went through the whole shame/guilt/disappointment/anger/resolve/ motivation cycle over the last few days. So I'm trying again to reboot. As for that, I'm abstaining from porn.

The porn I got into is pretty kinky, we've never tried it. My girlfriend (whom I love and I proposed to and I want to have kids with) is such a sweetheart, she wants to please me so much so she went along with it. It really satisfied me, but now I feel shame regret and insecurity for what we did last night. What makes me feel bad is the place I was coming from when we did it last night. It was a from a place of mutual pleasure giving, shared value giving and beautiful spiritual sharing of eachothers bodies, it was more of a one-sided manipulative devaluing sort of place I was coming from when we did it yesterday. That's what I feel bad about right now.

I realized this morning that I may have made her question herself by pleasing me last night, so this morning I opened up to her and I made sure that she didn't feel guilty about trying to please me. I told her that last night was a completely natural thing to do and she was amazing (I personally think any sexual fantasy is fine) but I told her that the place I was personally coming from didn't feel right and I know it's because of my addiction to porn that I'm battling right now. She's my priority and I don't want her to feel remorseful of 'dirty' or devalued for playing out my fantasies. She understood in the end and I think she's really understanding and compassionate in that way, so I took care of that. By now the added responsibility is on my shoulders and I'm trying to deal with it right now and it's somewhat hard.

I think I did the right thing in trying to remove the responsibility off her shoulders and place it entirely on mine. I also think that playing out one of my fantasies last night was entirely okay to do, it was freaking hot and I loved every moment of it. But we only did it because I was trying not to masturbate, and I think that's wrong. I feel terrible about that, my hands are still shaking slightly as I'm typing. My stomach feels tight and I keep reverting back to feeling terrible but I keep trying not to beat myself up too bad and trying to be compassionate of myself and forgive myself in order to move on and heal.

I think posting about it too is a step in the right direction. I hope I'm going in the right direction, I hope within some time the feeling will pass and the dust will settle.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
I think if you feel bad about, bad enough to write about it and "admit" to it, then its not a good sign.
 

MashuSan

Member
I think if you feel bad about, bad enough to write about it and "admit" to it, then its not a good sign.
Yes, I felt bad and last night I had a big conversation with my partner too. Since then she's been a little different, distance and I recognized that she was battling an internal conflict as to what she would do and what she wouldn't do to please me. I opened up a little more to her about my addiction, it was difficult, it's shameful to talk about your own porn addiction, especially when she asked just how far I went into it, but it was the right thing to do. I think now the process of healing can start. It helps me, to talk about it. I know myself and in order to get over something I need to do a few things to deal with an emotion, like jogging or working out helps me go over it in my mind, but also talking about it too. By the way, Fappy I'm just realizing how active you are on this forum and I wanted to say thanks to show my appreciation.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
It helps me, to talk about it. I know myself and in order to get over something I need to do a few things to deal with an emotion, like jogging or working out helps me go over it in my mind, but also talking about it too
Yep, whatever you gotta do to get it out of your head, where it doesnt belong!
 

matt95

Member
Yes, I felt bad and last night I had a big conversation with my partner too. Since then she's been a little different, distance and I recognized that she was battling an internal conflict as to what she would do and what she wouldn't do to please me. I opened up a little more to her about my addiction, it was difficult, it's shameful to talk about your own porn addiction, especially when she asked just how far I went into it, but it was the right thing to do. I think now the process of healing can start. It helps me, to talk about it. I know myself and in order to get over something I need to do a few things to deal with an emotion, like jogging or working out helps me go over it in my mind, but also talking about it too. By the way, Fappy I'm just realizing how active you are on this forum and I wanted to say thanks to show my appreciation.
MashuSan, I think it is important that you recognize that you may not have been coming from the right headspace, but I also believe that is part of the rewiring process and if you and your girlfriend are comfortable with doing something then I think you are right and it wasn't wrong. You should enjoy your sexual relationship with your partner and if you two are into kinky stuff that is ok! Just be cognizant of how she's feeling and talk about it frequently to make sure she is into things. You're moving in the right direction! Stay Strong!
 
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