How to regain physical intimacy

PKCowned

Member
Hello all! I am currently 150 days into my hardmode reboot. I am experiencing tell tale signs of recovery, and like many men going through this process, I would like to begin reintroducing sexual activity with my fiancé.

We have known each other for nearly ten years, dated for 3 and are due to be married at the end of August. Since beginning my reboot at the end of the year, we have had several sexual encounters that were amazing, and several where I just was not able to perform and it really rocked my fiancé.

we are now sort of in a limbo where I honestly feel like she is completely shut off from the idea of physical intimacy. I was honest with my porn use, and to the best of my ability have been honest about everything else. However I still do not feel that I am more than halfway through my recovery

I completely understand the damage that my ED, dishonesty and porn use has caused to her self confidence snd body image, and have been understanding and not pushy at all about our lack of sexual encounters. But going sometimes 60+ days without anything seems unhealthy to me.

my questions for partners is how should I actually feel about this? Should I be worried that we are entering a slump we can’t get out of? When I bring it up she says she’s sexual and wants to experience a sexual relationship with me, but if I touch her or bring the subject up sometimes she will pull away or literally just pretend I didn’t say a word. Should I continue to give her space and let her bring up physical intimacy when she is ready while I continue to heal? I love my fiancé, but also feel like she no longer finds me attractive. I get that I caused damage to the relationship, but as a recovering addict the only way I can see to get out of this slump is to try again, or at the very least try and reintroduce basic bonding activities, but even those seem to be awkward for her now.

PS - I am about to start going to a sexual health therapist who I am sure can give me additional insight, but as partners of a recovering addict I feel the insight of this community would be better suited.
 
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Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It is not that she doesn’t find you attractive. She doesn’t feel attractive. When our husbands have been “intimate” with countless females for their viewing pleasure, we find ourselves woefully inadequate. When were we not enough? And then when ED occurs we go back to you had no problem with them. I would say get the book Love You Hate the Porn. Both of you should read it. It helps both understand.
 

PKCowned

Member
It is not that she doesn’t find you attractive. She doesn’t feel attractive. When our husbands have been “intimate” with countless females for their viewing pleasure, we find ourselves woefully inadequate. When were we not enough? And then when ED occurs we go back to you had no problem with them. I would say get the book Love You Hate the Porn. Both of you should read it. It helps both understand.

For sure. I am pretty sure that’s exactly what’s going on and like I said, I completely understand. This is going on my reading list right after Cupid’s poison arrow which I just got yesterday.

I am going to move slow, not pressure it and just reinforce that I am here for her. When it happens it will happen, and like I said I still need what I imagine is another 2/3 months for my natural libido to return and ED to be mainly gone.

thanks for the reinforcement of the idea though
 

katypie

New Member
I have currently been working with my boyfriend on his ED. Figure out your finaceè's love language and play off of that. My love language is words of affirmation so I love being complimented by my BF and it makes me feel more loved than having sex.
 

PKCowned

Member
I have currently been working with my boyfriend on his ED. Figure out your finaceè's love language and play off of that. My love language is words of affirmation so I love being complimented by my BF and it makes me feel more loved than having sex.

I love this idea. Could you expand on your conversations that facilitates this kind of interaction for you guys? I’m sure it’s more than “babe tell me your love language” haha, but I find your example to be brilliant and romantic. Everyone should learn their partners love language, I have learned there is so much more to a healthy long term relationship than trying to bone down after every date thanks to my reboot
 
I love this idea. Could you expand on your conversations that facilitates this kind of interaction for you guys? I’m sure it’s more than “babe tell me your love language” haha, but I find your example to be brilliant and romantic. Everyone should learn their partners love language, I have learned there is so much more to a healthy long term relationship than trying to bone down after every date thanks to my reboot
This could help her (and you) answer those questions. This site was recommended by my therapist as a way for my husband and I to learn more about each other

 
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