Just Marking the Time:(No responses needed)

[Artemus]

It's been a minute since I was on RN, I'm of the OG RN understanding on PMO, its all or nothing. Making compromises only hurts your progress. The path isn't straight, there are many turns, setbacks and getting back up after you've been knocked down, but you must get back up. As they say, "Fake it till you make it." Only try not to fake it, be real with yourself.

 

[guitar1968]

I know you say no responses needed, does that mean you really don't want replies? If so, I'll happily shut up and go away.

Your story is very similar to mine and I'm guessing we're close in age. My ups and downs have been very similar and I've really finally had it. So here I am. Talking to people on these journals has been a great help and that's the only reason I'm replying. We all are here, over 40, been using for years and we all want to stop. Let us know if we can help in any way, even if that is to not respond.

Good luck to you. I know you can do it this time.

 

[DickPalmer]

I wanted to share today just some thoughts, observations and facts I've discovered along my journey in and out of PMO. Too often its easy to forget that the images that have brought us pleasure are actual people with lives outside what we see. They are, or were at some point someones baby, their little girl, their sister and a friend. In our rush for self gratification we lose sight of them as people, as being a person with feelings, problems and grief. All we see is a collection of body parts, possibly selected in a search criteria that most likely pleases us in that moment. These images are appealing not just for their appearance but also because they never say, "No". I just felt it necessary for myself and anyone reading to remind us that these are people, most likely getting paid, but also possibly being coerced, forced and/or threatened to perform. This isn't love on display, its NOT just some harmless fun, it was never meant for us to share our sex and our partners with the general public. Sex is suppose to be between man and wife, a celebration of their affection for each other and the creation of children.

No matter how you spin things or tell yourself lies to justify it, PORN does harm. To take intimacy and make a show of it, to put sex on display, hurts those being seen and those who watch. The harm comes in many many forms: shame, jealousy, guilt, anxiety, depression, ED, disease, suicide, murder, substance abuse, physical abuse, cutting, and on and on. Porn has always also been interwoven with the criminal underworld and taking it mainstream won't fix that. Sex is powerful, it evokes the most intense emotions we have. When used as it was intended it binds a husband and wife together and promotes unity and appreciation and worth. When you turn that on its head and misuse it you get jealousy, rage, shame, betrayal, etc.

Love inspires you to new heights, Lust conversly takes you to untold darkness and kills Love. Lust is not the same thing as physical attraction to a SO, lust is about selfishness, dominance and control. Ask any performer, they will tell you that they feel nothing for their co-stars, they merely use their bodies as masturbation implements, no different than humping a sex doll, which is just plain sad.

My final tidbit is this, most don't know or care to look, but the average death rate of a porn star is 37 years old and suicide, murder, drug overdose and disease are the most common causes. Regular people make it 78, so what that means is the people we derive our pleasure from are rewarded with a life expectancy of less than half a non-porn average joe. My soul can't carry the weight of continuing on this path. No more.

I agree with so much of this.

Addictions tend to exploit the vulnerable, whether those involved in the production of the addictive substance or, in this case, media, whilst those who are vulnerable can find themselves lost in it as users. That addiction can be about an emotional pain, and that pain needs to be healed, not exploited. It can also be a source of great emotional pain for those whose loved ones find themselves addicted and unable to have loving relationships, etc.

I found it hard not to look at those who I was interacting with on chat and cam sites and wonder if they were all as damaged as I felt I was. Some are, no question.

 

[guitar1968]

What could I have done with that energy and time I spent, sitting in a chair with pants around my ankles?

I think the same thing almost every day. Good luck keeping the demons at bay. Sounds like you are doing well with everything you have to deal with.

 

[guitar1968]

I'm with you! I'm 53 and feel much the same way. I have more to do in this life. I don't want to waste it on porn.

 

[JerryTX]

Nice job on PMO! Never tried a water fast but I have fasted from food to help me focus on GOD! Never been hugely successful at fasting except when I was in HS and was wrestling and wanted to make/cut weight. Whatever can help I am all for it! I have been walking and exercising more as that seems to have helped during my journey. Keeps me busy and also tired. I am only on my work computer which helps as it has got all kinds of firewalls/protection from unhealthy sites. Deleted my twitter and set up some blocking software on my Iphone to assist. Keep it up and good luck in your journey! GOD Bless you!

 

[JerryTX]

When your mind is changed, your life will be transformed. Remember, where your mind goes, your life follows. When you experience deliverance, your mind has to switch from a slave to a son, from a slave to a soldier. Even if you get the same attacks as before, you get to see them from a different position. "You are not a sick person trying to get healed, you are a healthy person fighting sickness." "You are not a bound person trying to get free, you are a free person fighting bondage." "You are not a sinner trying to get holy, you are a saint fighting sin."

1. Stop believing that you can't control your thoughts. The second lie that must be repented of is , I cannot control my thoughts, they control me. It is a weak excuse, and this excuse is not scriptural from the Bible. The Bible commands us to "Think about these things," (Philippians 4:8), "You shall meditate on it day and night," (Joshua 1:8), "on His law he meditates day and night," (Psalm1:2).
You cannot change what you cannot confront!
To change your mindset keep these things in mind:
2. What you feed your mind with becomes a mindset. A mindset is impossible to change without changing what your mind is filled with. A mindset is what controls you. The mind is what you control. The only way to change your default and automatic thinking is by filling your conscious mind with new information of GOD's truth! Once the conscious mind is filled to the overflow, it slips into the subconscious mind.
3. Confess what you believe, not what you feel. We possess what we confess. We possess salvation by confessing Jesus as Lord of our Lives. We possess GOD's promises by confessing them with our mouths. When you regularly confess only what you feel and see, you are hurting your faith and not helping negative thoughts to leave.
4. Resist negative thoughts, assist positive thoughts. Positive thoughts are not going to stay, they need to be assisted. Negative thoughts are not going to leave they need to be resisted.
1 Corinthians 6:19

And finally #5
5. Expect miracles. Expecting something good to happen is a choice. It is an act of our faith. A person with a renewed mind has positive expectations in the forefront of their mind. Do not let your imagination create an image in which things will go bad for you! Such as re-engaging in porn, relationships breaking , business failing, etc.. Replace those negative images with promises of God's word.

Unless we decide to break the pattern...our lives will continue moving in the wrong direction

Keep up the fight. This one has been extremely challenging and tough for me but I am happy to say I have made it to 93 days which would hasn't happened in 20+ years of PMO! The above is from my journal and I read it daily. Sometimes multiple times. My faith is what has gotten me this far and my faith is what encourages me to go further. I would also recommend this link

Plus the new book -"Winning the War in Your Mind" has bee so helpful!

GOD BLESS you Brother and praying for you and this site!

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes, let that 21 days be your new standard. You can and should do your abstinence without porn filters, blockers, support groups, 12 Step programs, or anything else that disempowers you.

All my successes (I did 139 days, currently over 40 all in this year coming out of 2020) was without those things. You’re right, you take it to the heart, and are not just white-knuckling it, like a dry drunk.

Your progress is not lost, get up and build on your success.

I’m not sure where the water fasting is coming in (fasting worked once for me 1990-91), but since has been very minimal in helping me. In fact I would wager that guilt surrounding breaking it this time led to your latest lapse.

No matter, you’re doing great and will continue to do so. Keep it simple and non-moral (under His grace).

 

[guitar1968]

Some serious stuff here today. I'm sorry to hear you lapsed, but also very happy to hear you jumped right back on the horse. I think that is the best thing we can all do. Those 21 days weren't for nothing. They are still there. That success is still there and you will build off of it. You sound like you understand yourself and your mind. I wish you the best of luck on your next streak!

 

[Phineas 808]

I can relate to Pink Floyd, and the line of thinking/feeling in their music. Heck, I'm a veteran of a 1000 psychic wars (BOC) myself, so I get it.

For us believers, it's a matter of perspective. Belief or unbelief? I'm by no means saying you're one or the other, but this is the fork in the road presented to myself given my own life's challenges, and the [seemingly] insurmountable odds.

But it's all a matter of perspective, like the book of Ecclesiastes (vanity of vanities) pitted against the Song of Solomon (song of songs). I've lived from both perspectives, and the first one really sucks, and feels like 'Time' from Pink Floyd! But the second perspective is truly a matter of faith, and that includes all the 'real world' problems we face, about ourselves and our circumstances.

We truly need to be a people, who along with God, ...call those things that be not as though they were (Rom 4). Speak to your mountain, and tell it to move! (believing in your heart) and it shall be done.

I get the water fast, and the desire for a spiritual as well as a physical reboot.

Blessings.

 

[Phineas 808]

I see your Blue Oyster Cult and raise you an Iron Maiden.

! That's good. Yeah, if another song reference comes to me, I'll let you know.

But I agree, we don't rely on the flesh to overcome this thing, but on the Spirit in our human spirit. We give place to our spirit-man over and above the flesh, and that includes 'religious white-knuckled' approaches that only cause us to fall flat on our face. But I have found, even in the heat of the moment, Father God helps us to walk away and gives us strength to 'change the chanel' into the spiritual.

Peace and strength.

 

[submissivetoGod]

Day 15,

Crossing the 2 week threshold has been a while, I had been in a cycle of 8 days for a bit. I'm not sure or don't remember if that's a significant time frame biologically but I do remember that as the Delta FosB is depleted that I will experience urges to replenish those levels.

Today I'm feeling stress, quite heavily, both my parents are elderly, 82 and 77 as well as my uncle who is 67. All 3 are tiring to deal with: My father is convinced his doctor has been experimenting on him because he changed his medication dosage without telling him. I don't classify that as experimenting, but my father naturally tends to be a bit paranoid and conspiratorial when it comes to certain things. My mother has nothing nice to say about my father and likes to manipulate those around her for sympathy. My uncle lives closest to me and has a myriad of health and physical issues and I am his main assistant getting him to doctors appointments and other errands. Between the three of them I think I'd like to move further away so they can't reach me. I suspect with some of my help that I am enabling and enabler in my aunt. I could share more detail to demonstrate my stress level issue but I don't want to.

Normally a day like today would dictate a multi hour PMO binge fest and the thought crossed my mind, but I'm not going to for several reasons. First, I don't wish to start over counting. Second, even though I had the thought I dismissed it and moved on. Third, like I stated in an earlier entry I want to see what lays beyond this hurdle, what is out there beyond 15 days post PMO. I've explored PMO in a myriad of ways and I've exhausted its zeal, PMO is dead to me, its sparkle and promise of pleasure have turned to ash in my hands. I stare down at the pile of ash that is my time spent on PMO, I clutch in both hands as it spills out and runs over the sides of my grip. How awful I put so much into nothing. What could I have done with that energy and time I spent, sitting in a chair with pants around my ankles?
Once more unto the breech Dear Friends, Once more...

NSGC led me to you with prayer. Your father, your mother and your uncle teach you about charity. Being at their service without complaining is an even bigger challenge than stopping PMO, indeed a help to strengthen you against that horrible addiction we are suffering from for causes that science explains and faith sweeps away. I will track your progress and pray for you. Thank you.

 

[submissivetoGod]

Day 006, (Water only, please.)

#275.0

Holding Fast. No idea who or what NSGC is, but thank you for dropping in... On that day you quoted I was venting, not because I want to complain about helping others but because at least one of the people I help has someone else who could and should help, but instead gets me to do it so they can continue spoiling their adult child. So my helping is actually enabling them to do what I consider a disservice. My parents are just doing what older people do, regressing to child like behavior. I love them, but them being locked up for a year during the, "Scamdemic" has taken a toll on them and I don't see them recovering from the mental damage done by governmental over reach.

Moving on, mind is clear and I feel good and focused on getting some work done.

Later, Dudes

Sorry, I'm Italian and I put the initials of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you for your response, and let us not forget the maternal intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary during our difficult process of abstinence and healing. In Maria's woman there is a vision of purity that expresses what Pastor Craig says when he talks about recovering purity in the beautiful and motivational video you posted.

 

[submissivetoGod]

Yes! JerryTX. Thankyou very much for movie.

 

[guitar1968]

Day 007,

#275

Had an interesting moment this morning driving. From past experience I've noticed most falls don't usually come after some head-on sudden intense temptation, it usually follows a slow boil. In my own experience if I follow the trail back it usually starts with some small random thought that I didnt deal with immediately, and most times it isnt usually full on pornographic, but its enough to get the ball rolling and then over hours or days it grows in intensity until I consent. This morning I was driving and a movie popped in my head I havent seen in a while, not a porn movie but a movie with an erotic component in the story line. I began to replay scenes in my head when suddenly I realized where I was headed... Immediately I identified what was happening and shut it down. Thats pretty big for me, so many times I wouldn't realize where I was until I was swimming in thoughts like an erotic mental hot tub. Not this time, Praise God! As my faith increases things only get better, not faith in myself, but faith in Jesus Christ and what he promised he would do, if only I would put my faith in him.

I'm much better and changing the subject in my brain during the day. At night as I'm trying to fall asleep and the porn fantasies and replays of past porn movies come into my head I have a terrible time of getting rid of them. I try thinking about something else and then I drift right back to the porn. That is my toughest time. Glad to hear you are gaining control of your thoughts. It does take work!

 

[JerryTX]

Way to move on with your thoughts! Keep Winning the War on your mind! So glad you fought this battle and won as it build endurance to continue to fight this battle.