I love myself and will recover

yogi

Active Member
Hi everyone
I am 33 years old. I discovered porn way back in 2003 when we got our first computer. I do not know how it managed to hijack me, but after that, masturbation became a regular thing of my life. It was an outlet for any frustration/ anxiety/ fear/ bad performance in a test or exam etc. Slowly it became a habit, to the point that I sometimes realised I have spent 4 hours at a stretch on my computer, searching for that perfect scene to finish to. After orgasm and ejaculation, I would feel good only for a while, then fatigue and lack of interest took its place. This became a cycle, so much so that I would feel chronically depressed, bored, uninterested and tired. I spent more time watching porn than studying. During my post graduate final exams, I was almost on the brink of failure, but I managed to scrape through in the first attempt.

In 2013, I had a binge for 3-4 days after which I started getting headaches and severe eye-strain. After a break for a few days (not a reboot) I decided to do an objective study of pornography on the net. For the first time in my life I discovered that porn is so false, with so many props and techniques that are never found in real life sex. Then I discovered that there is something called porn addiction, just as there is something called alcohol addiction. I was shocked to realize that all the symptoms I had matched the description on that website. I took questionnaires and realized for the first time in my life that I was a PORN ADDICT!

Since then I read up on how to break free from this addiction, but somehow I was not able to stay on track. Since then I have to continued to have relapses, binges and periods of abstinence. My longest porn-free period was 1 month, and after that I have never been able to achieve that long a streak.

Two important facts about my life:
1. I have never been in a sexual relationship before. I am now engaged to a beautiful girl who has a very kind and loving personality. At the end of this year we will be getting married. She of course doesn't know about my porn addiction. I want to be a wonderful and loyal husband who will also satisfy her sexually.
2. I am a post-doctoral fellow and due to answer my exams in one & half months. I am studying as much as I can, but I get distracted easily. When I want to unwind by watching something on my computer, instead of a good movie or maybe a motivational video I get the urge to watch porn

Today I relapsed after going clean for 10 days. I just can't believe that this PMO habit is so hard-wired that even though I know that it is wrong, it somehow overpowers my rational brain and makes me act out.

There is one good thing that I have noticed. Whenever I make up my mind and begin a new reboot cycle, it takes just 3-4 days for my morning wood to return.

It's been 18 years since that fateful day when I was exposed to online porn. And 8 years since I discovered that I had a porn addiction and that it is the cause of my problems.

I am now beginning a new reboot. I had heard about Reboot Nation before but never knew this forum existed. Today is the first time in my life that I am journaling about my habit, in fact about anything in my life. I hope to finally get rid of porn, ace my upcoming exams and, on my wedding night, enjoy guilt-free , pure sex with my bride.

Also I wish godspeed all those who are on the journey to recovery, like I am.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Welcome to the group, yogi. The thing you do not mention is the triggers related to your use of porn. You need to remove these to succeed in your reboot. Delete any porn accounts. Move your private workspace to one visible from a public window or other public space. Go for a run or do a little workout when the itch sets in. What else is there that causes you to turn on porn sites ... ?

Another thing that helps is to write down everything you are doing and feeling regarding the reboot in your journal here. It is a positive thing to see it in black and white. Counting days helps, too, even relapses, giving you a record of your progress.

-jj (1678 days no PMO)
 

yogi

Active Member
Welcome to the group, yogi. The thing you do not mention is the triggers related to your use of porn. You need to remove these to succeed in your reboot. Delete any porn accounts. Move your private workspace to one visible from a public window or other public space. Go for a run or do a little workout when the itch sets in. What else is there that causes you to turn on porn sites ... ?

Another thing that helps is to write down everything you are doing and feeling regarding the reboot in your journal here. It is a positive thing to see it in black and white. Counting days helps, too, even relapses, giving you a record of your progress.

-jj (1678 days no PMO)
Thanks for the tips. I have indeed deleted any such accounts. One of the most important triggers is when I get back from work, tired. Somehow that is the moment I open my computer and surf the net, just for the heck of it, then somehow it meanders to porn. I don't even need an account. Going for a walk or exercising that time is out of question. I have tried reading books at that time as a replacement strategy but somehow I am not able to stick through it.
 

yogi

Active Member
Relapsed again today. Had an online meeting followed by another online lecture. After everything was over and I was free, somehow, as if on autopilot, I started surfing porn, then jerked off. Its a new cycle from tomorrow. Hope I continue this streak.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
hmmmmm ok, dont get too stressed about it though. what was the trigger? simply because the computer ws open? or you felt tired after the lectures? or you felt good after the lectures and thought youd treat youself to a bit of a fap? try to remember what it was and learn from it
 

yogi

Active Member
Thanks for the insightful suggestion Fappy. I think it was more of a feeling of tiredness and boredom after the lectures that made me wander. Have to stay careful about that.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Hi, Yogi. Just want to say that I love your title.

I love myself and will recover.

Wish you well
EW
 
Just read your story Yogi, thanks for sharing. Its a tough habit to kick and Ive been trying to reboot for over a decade now. Ive always felt that there was something wrong with P even before I discovered this site and other info about how bad it really is. I tried countless times to put an end to this habit but fell deeper into my addiction. Im back on here to keep myself on this reboot path because the last time I reached a record number of days for no PMO is was when I was posting here daily. Wishing you the best on your reboot , stay strong my friend
 

scott.84

Member
Hi yogi,

I can relate to so much of what you have written in your first post. For me, PMO also mostly occurred due to boredom, feeling lonely and anxiety issues. It was kind of an escape. It became a daily habit.

I have started rebooting at the beginning of this year and I am currently in my longest streak which will be 70 days tomorrow. Before that, I had one other long streak of 35 days and then several attempts to start over again until I finally started this one and kept going.

What was helping me so far:
* I made clear to myself why I am doing this. Everytime an urge came, I took a deep breath and calmed myself down by telling me all of the benefits I will encounter if I don't give in for a quick relief. Sometimes I even watched videos about the benefits of nofap/reboot just to occupy myself and to re-affirm myself
* Remove all triggers. This included deleting my collection of porn.
* When having bad feelings, accept them. It is completely normal to feel bad sometimes. Remember how great you will feel soon if you have passed the first weeks. It gets better every day. It's not worth the instant but non-durable relief
* Engage in new habits. When feeling bad, do something new. Do something, that moves you forward in life. Something, that makes you feel proud of yourself.
* Count the days. I have a calendar in my room and wipe off every day, I have finished. This really motivates me and makes me feel proud. The more days you get, the higher the motivation to keep going
* Trust the process. This might sound stupid, but you will encounter an improvement once you have gained some momentum. You just have to be patient and keep going. Fill the gap with new habits and keep yourself occupied.

As concerns the compulsive PMO, I sadly don't have a good advice. I still encounter this. Sometimes I catch myself touching my dick or browsing for porn like it was somebody else doing this. My mind sometimes gets on autopilot and does this. I accept the fact, that there are occasions where I just don't have full control. And I forgive myself for that, as long as I manage to stop. What helps me there is also to take a deep breath and say NO. I don't want this. Sometimes I even watch my calendar then and remember me what I have accomplished so far and that I don't want to lose that.
 

yogi

Active Member
Relapsed again today😔. Just 4 days of abstinence

oh the way my brain goes on autopilot.
Anyway time to pick myself up and get going again. Cannot give up.
 

yogi

Active Member
Just read your story Yogi, thanks for sharing. Its a tough habit to kick and Ive been trying to reboot for over a decade now. Ive always felt that there was something wrong with P even before I discovered this site and other info about how bad it really is. I tried countless times to put an end to this habit but fell deeper into my addiction. Im back on here to keep myself on this reboot path because the last time I reached a record number of days for no PMO is was when I was posting here daily. Wishing you the best on your reboot , stay strong my friend
Thanks for the encouragement
Yes I think journaling and discussing on a forum is something I have never done before. Its a novel experience for me.
All these years I have always kept my post-fap feelings of guilt, shame etc to myself
But coming to this forum and reading so many stories has given me hope.

In fact I have flatlines very quickly once I quit, within 3-4 days the flatline hits.
Perhaps that is why I tend to relapse. Now have to soldier through during the flatlines.
 

yogi

Active Member
Hi yogi,

I can relate to so much of what you have written in your first post. For me, PMO also mostly occurred due to boredom, feeling lonely and anxiety issues. It was kind of an escape. It became a daily habit.

I have started rebooting at the beginning of this year and I am currently in my longest streak which will be 70 days tomorrow. Before that, I had one other long streak of 35 days and then several attempts to start over again until I finally started this one and kept going.

What was helping me so far:
* I made clear to myself why I am doing this. Everytime an urge came, I took a deep breath and calmed myself down by telling me all of the benefits I will encounter if I don't give in for a quick relief. Sometimes I even watched videos about the benefits of nofap/reboot just to occupy myself and to re-affirm myself
* Remove all triggers. This included deleting my collection of porn.
* When having bad feelings, accept them. It is completely normal to feel bad sometimes. Remember how great you will feel soon if you have passed the first weeks. It gets better every day. It's not worth the instant but non-durable relief
* Engage in new habits. When feeling bad, do something new. Do something, that moves you forward in life. Something, that makes you feel proud of yourself.
* Count the days. I have a calendar in my room and wipe off every day, I have finished. This really motivates me and makes me feel proud. The more days you get, the higher the motivation to keep going
* Trust the process. This might sound stupid, but you will encounter an improvement once you have gained some momentum. You just have to be patient and keep going. Fill the gap with new habits and keep yourself occupied.

As concerns the compulsive PMO, I sadly don't have a good advice. I still encounter this. Sometimes I catch myself touching my dick or browsing for porn like it was somebody else doing this. My mind sometimes gets on autopilot and does this. I accept the fact, that there are occasions where I just don't have full control. And I forgive myself for that, as long as I manage to stop. What helps me there is also to take a deep breath and say NO. I don't want this. Sometimes I even watch my calendar then and remember me what I have accomplished so far and that I don't want to lose that.
Thanks
Yes I too have this autopilot experience everytime I relapse. Its so overwhelming, I am not able to realise that my self-control has been overridden.
I am trying all of the activities that you have mentioned. I will try to overcome this addiction for once and for all.
 

yogi

Active Member
Successfully completed 4 days of no MO.
I did look at some porn in between, that's a slip-up for sure.

But the encouraging thing is a return of will power and self control. Even if I look at that porn, I do not immediately start masturbating. I am able to move to something else or shut down my computer.

Morning wood has returned though it doesn't stay that long (may be 5 minutes or so) but Oh My God the erection quality is damn strong, 110% I would say!
 

yogi

Active Member
Relapsed again yesterday.
Day 1 again today.
Trigger: no motivation at all, no desire to open my books and read. Instead I tried listening to an online lecture, but even that was not enough and I was disinterested very quickly. From there I do not how I jumped to porn, again an autopilot state.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. I have to overcome this addiction.
 

yogi

Active Member
Day 2 today

No MO. Watched some porn but then immediately snapped out before I could slip any further.

At least one small victory.
 
Congrats man, you've made it past one or thé roughest parts (the first 3-4 days) ! That's wonderful !
Keep going like that !

IwantMyMojo
 
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