A Porn Story

CoolBreeze

Member
59 year old male

It all started at 13 with the 1975 SI Swimsuit Edition. Not Playboy,Penthouse or Hustler. Although those magazines would have a role in my Porn Addiction and PMO.

My parents had got me a subscription to SI back then. I had no idea there was a swimsuit issue they probably didn’t either. I could have it in plain sight underneath the all the regular issues.

The SI Swimsuit Cover was January 27 1975
This was my very first PMO.

During these days explicit hardcore porn was impossible to come by. There were older friends who somehow got their hands on the old Super 8 Swedish Erotica Films. Being able to view these was incredibly difficult. First parents had to be at work and we had to be out of school or dismissed early. Forget masturbating to this stuff back then. From finding the right opportunity to setting up the film projector masturbating was the last thing on your mind. You just wanted to see it.

As I got older 17-18. It became easier to get my hands on Playboy,Hustler or Penthouse from a magazine stand. But still no hardcore porn. I believe at this time VHS was not widely attainable and to my knowledge porn wasn’t available on VHS and my family couldn’t afford a VHS machine back then.

In my 20’s it was more of the same just magazines.

Then in my early 30’s VHS was readily available and renting porn was easy and buying some in a bargain basket from a Porn video store was easier. What Tube sights offer now you had to create yourself. Fast forwarding to the sex and bypassing the story line. My PMO increased greatly at this time of course.

Around 1996 I got access to a then powerful Windows Laptop and found a few sites with Porn clips which were super short. Some were just seconds long some maybe 2 mins. This was before High Speed internet so it would take what seemed like a life time to download or just view. But it was free and you didn’t have to worry about someone seeing you go into a Porn video store it was perfect.

In my 40’s which was 2002 to 2011. The internet porn game was definitely not what it is today but there was plenty to view and download and DSL High Speed was the thing. Around this time is where things stared taking off around. Quality of the content was better the content got right to the point. The content was now being designed for high consumption. It was like having every Playboy,Penthouse,Hustler etc magazine at your finger tips but with moving pictures of explicit sex.

Around 47 years old I started to experience PIED. I knew it was from PMO and I just wouldn’t PMO for a month to get some wood back. But my addiction had other ideas. During this time I was also in recovery for alcoholism and my PMO increased exponentially. I found myself doing this balancing act of trying not to PMO if I was in a relationship or right after I met a woman and the there was a good possibility of a relationship.

Around this same time I was in a very bad relationship and decided to just take a break from relationships which gave me the opportunity to keep up my PMO game.

For 5-6 years no real partners just PMO.

Then around 53 years old I met someone and got into a relationship. The PIED was in full effect. I knew it was from my PMO. I even discussed this with her and that I was watching porn constantly and jerking off constantly. The difference in the PIED this time, unlike when I was 47 was that my dick was dead. There were even times when I told her “It’s not happening tonight my dick is dead. I had short period of rebooting and the wood would slightly comeback but never really hard.

I ended the relationship. Not because of my Porn Addiction just other issues that happened.

I was done with relationships. I didn’t care if I did PMO until my last days. Just like with drinking there was a point where I didn’t care if I drank myself to death.

My PMO continued especially during Covid lockdowns. I didn’t need contact I had my porn.

This is when I found myself moving closer to extreme content. When things got too extreme in my opinion I would shut if off but I knew that eventually I wouldn’t. But I also found myself just not wanting to watch anything anymore. I started forcing myself to PMO. It was becoming a giant boat anchor tied around my neck.

Then about 3 weeks ago I said to myself I’m done. I cant do this anymore. It was all just too much.

46 years of PMO in some form or fashion. So I deleted my extensive collection of Porn I downloaded.

Clips and scenes that I coveted. Select all delete. Then came the massive amounts of still images of nude women. Close to 30-40 thousand pictures collected over the years that I rarely or never looked at.

I deleted porn bookmarks. Lingere and Bikini try on’s from Youtube. Hot Tik Tok girls. I deleted Tik Tok all together. Reddit Porn. I deleted Instagram a few years back. Anything that would be what I call a “appetizer” to PMO.

After 3 weeks I already feel progress.

I want real life sexual experiences. I’m not sure if I every really had them because PMO and Porn has been in the equation for so long.

Here’s to the first time without Porn in my life.

I feel very optimistic about the future.
 
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yogi

Active Member
Hi Cool Breeze
Congratulations on completing 3 weeks of no PMO!
You can, and shall, overcome this addiction
46 years-that's astonishing. But what is more astonishing is that after 46 years of PMO, just 3 weeks of abstinence has resulted in appreciable gains, which means your brain is healing.

One of the reasons for such fast responses is the history of your addiction.

From what I have read across various websites (including, most importantly- "Your Brain on Porn"- just type that in google and you will get the website) the main thing is high speed internet porn was not available to you in your formative years (teens and twenties). Guys who start on that at a younger age have a harder time recovering, and take longer time to show a good healing response.

After 46 years, the fact that you have made up your mind to quit, and are already experiencing gains, is an encouragement to all of us.

Best of luck in your journey. I believe you can finally live a free and joyful life.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Yogi,
Thanks for the response and the words of encouragement. I've been sober from alcohol for 13 years but I just realized that after reading YBP and researching my addiction in general that many of my non sexual issues were the result of my Porn addiction and PMO. Through this site and the support of it's members I believe I have a good chance of living a porn free life. Thanks again.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Wow, that really was a porn story.
Three weeks of being porn free is great, and its a god sign that youve got the strength and resolve to finally kill this addiction.
You know what you gotta do, youre already seeing fantastic (and sexy) results! Keep going
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Wow, that really was a porn story.
Three weeks of being porn free is great, and its a god sign that youve got the strength and resolve to finally kill this addiction.
You know what you gotta do, youre already seeing fantastic (and sexy) results! Keep going
Thanks Fappy,

i really don’t want the life of PMO anymore. My experience of 13 years alcohol free is giving me a edge in beating Porn Addiction. I will be posting updates here. Thanks again
 

guitar1968

Active Member
I enjoyed reading your story. In a lot of ways similar to mine. I have never had problems with alcohol, but we came to porn the same way. I'm a few years younger than you but Sports Illustrated and my dad's Playboy's started me down the road. VHS next, more magazines and of course eventually the internet. I'm 47 days in today and feeling better myself. Getting clearer. I'm not wanting porn at all. Orgasms are another story, but I'm not going there either. I have a 6 month goal and then reevaluate. Porn is out for good. I just have to decide on whether or not occasionally masturbating is o.k. with my mind and body. We'll see. But, I'm getting a little off target. I just wanted to congratulate you on your success so far and let you know that there are many of us here in your age bracket dealing with the same issues.

I'll keep checking back!
 

CoolBreeze

Member
I enjoyed reading your story. In a lot of ways similar to mine. I have never had problems with alcohol, but we came to porn the same way. I'm a few years younger than you but Sports Illustrated and my dad's Playboy's started me down the road. VHS next, more magazines and of course eventually the internet. I'm 47 days in today and feeling better myself. Getting clearer. I'm not wanting porn at all. Orgasms are another story, but I'm not going there either. I have a 6 month goal and then reevaluate. Porn is out for good. I just have to decide on whether or not occasionally masturbating is o.k. with my mind and body. We'll see. But, I'm getting a little off target. I just wanted to congratulate you on your success so far and let you know that there are many of us here in your age bracket dealing with the same issues.

I'll keep checking back!
Guitar,
Thanks so much for the reply. I guess there are many in our age group who started the same way. Congrats on your progress.
One thing I learned in my first AA meeting that is helpful in my Porn Addiction journey is whenever I think of taking a drink I play back in my mind what I was like as a drunk. Same with Porn. When I think of viewing Porn or even a appetizer( nude still pictures etc) I playback in my mind how dead my Dick was. It's not completely alive but it's sitting up some. Thanks again.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
With Covid and not wanting any relationships it's been about a year in and a half of no PIV. There's no pressure of performing. Just going to enjoy the physical and emotional connection.
That is fantastic! Enjoy it. That is so cool to have someone who understands and you don't have to hide it and feel awkward about it. I'm guessing that takes so much pressure off.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Day 25 no fap no PMO.

I am starting to discover how much Porn effected my emotional state. I feel like I’m more balanced emotionally. I knew it was taking a toll on sexually my had no idea of the emotional toll.
Of course the PMO kills sex with a woman in real life but in my experience it also killed the emotional connection I felt with a woman. The simple fact of holding a woman’s hand would send me to the moon. That feeling ceased to exist the deeper I fell into my Porn Addiction. Now I can sense that feeling returning even with the thought of holding a woman’s hand.

There have been thoughts of Porn over the last few days. Thoughts of my favorite scenes etc. I’m determined to be strong and take it one day at a time.

Peace.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Day 27 no Fap no PMO

Feeling pretty good today. I think I may be experiencing a flatline but I’m not concerned I’m going to trust the process.

I did find more P Sub on a hard drive and quickly deleted it. Earlier this week I was setting up my computer to stream movies to my Apple TV and found thumbnails of of Porn that used to be there. i deleted the thumbnails right away. Clicking the thumbnail gives you a pop up that the original file can’t be found thank God.

I’m sure there are still some P Sub and possibly Porn on a hard drive inside a folder. I’ll hunt them down and get rid of them. But as of today I have no desire to watch porn or fap. One day at a time Yo.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Day 29 No Fap No PMO
Still no desire to look at porn. Think I'm experiencing a flatline.
I want to stay away from P Subs because I don't want my brain going back down that road.
Trusting the process one day at a time. (ODAAT)
 
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CoolBreeze

Member
Day 32 no fap no PMO

Feeling pretty good. Been reading and researching Porn Addiction trying to gain as much knowledge I can. The more I learn the more I want to stay away from Porn. The longer I stay away from Porn P Sub and PMO the better I feel.

I feel much more balanced emotionally. Just like the answers to questions of my life couldn’t be found in a liquor bottle. They also can’t be found on Porn Hub etc.

Trusting the Process One Day At A Time.
Peace.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 32 no fap no PMO

Feeling pretty good. Been reading and researching Porn Addiction trying to gain as much knowledge I can. The more I learn the more I want to stay away from Porn. The longer I stay away from Porn P Sub and PMO the better I feel.

I feel much more balanced emotionally. Just like the answers to questions of my life couldn’t be found in a liquor bottle. They also can’t be found on Porn Hub etc.

Trusting the Process One Day At A Time.
Peace.
Really fantastic to hear. Wishing you continued success! I also find reading and writing about it to be so helpful. Good luck to you! 32 days is fantastic.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Day 34 No Fap No PMO

Still hanging tough. I found some P on a thumb drive about a hour ago. I deleted it but I did hesitate for a min. Not to PMO but to keep it. I sucked it up and deleted it. Jesus I had P all over the place. I had some bookmarks on Firefox Browser which is not my main browser but I got rid of those too.
Trusting the Process One Day at A Time.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Thanks for sharing your story, CoolBreeze!

It's always inspiring for me to read of those who had such impossible odds to beat, so to speak, and yet overcame anyway. Your success story will be our success story, as we'll inspire each other to finally overcome this thing out of our lives!

Looking forward to being of any help I can.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Thanks for sharing your story, CoolBreeze!

It's always inspiring for me to read of those who had such impossible odds to beat, so to speak, and yet overcame anyway. Your success story will be our success story, as we'll inspire each other to finally overcome this thing out of our lives!

Looking forward to being of any help I can.
Thanks Phineas thanks for the encouragement. Looking forward to sharing this journey with you and everyone.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 34 No Fap No PMO

Still hanging tough. I found some P on a thumb drive about a hour ago. I deleted it but I did hesitate for a min. Not to PMO but to keep it. I sucked it up and deleted it. Jesus I had P all over the place. I had some bookmarks on Firefox Browser which is not my main browser but I got rid of those too.
Trusting the Process One Day at A Time.
Good job. I have a DVD in the basement that I burned with a lot of my favorite porn on it. I did that a number of years ago and never really went back to it. Just so much on the internet there really was no need. I have to go find it and break it apart. No need to find that years from now.

Stay strong you are doing great!
 
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