Jesus. I'm still finding PSub on my old computer. I was trying to get some regular family photos off my old computer before it totally dies and there it was a folder inside a folder inside a folder. Nudes Pic and Vids of some girl from Only Fans that I probably got from Discord via a Mega link.
The crazy thing is I never MO'd to what I found. I would collect so much shit that I would forget I had it. Thousands of Pics I would download I would never look at them. I had this madness that I had to have it. Like I was a Porn and PSub hoarder.
It's crazy. I'm going into Day 74 of reboot and it's taking me this long to find all this crap. At this very moment I realized that I have not turned on a old iPad in a few years. There must be Porn or PSub on it.
Porn and P Sub has definitely been a life long issue and addiction for most of my life. The umbrella it all falls under for me is Sex Addiction and anything slightly sexual provocative can put the notion in my mind. My libido feels much better sometime too much better in a sense. Watching TV a few hours ago I was watching CNN and this commercial comes on with Olivia Munn. Low cut top cleavage etc. You know the drill. I didn't want to MO but I was triggered and I'm trying not to act out on my triggers.
Triggers>Fantasy>Ritualization>Acting Out>Numbing>Despair. Despair which will lead me into Loneliness boredom and a need or want to MO or PMO. Writing here on this site has become a healthy coping mechanism. I'm also going to start journaling again like in my years of Alcohol Recovery.
Early on in my first posts here I wrote about a significant other. Well that ended weeks ago and I'm dealing with the emotional pain of that experience. I deleted those post because I didn't want to be reminded of the experience. In the past that pain would have been a trigger me to PMO. But in order to change my future I have to change my present. I have to change today. To let my despair lead me to PMO will lead me back to the Night of the Living Dead Dick. I've seen that movie and it's fucking terrible.
Cool Breeze sorry to hear about the significant other. With that said your doing great and I agree triggers are an interesting beast. A beast that can come out of even CNN... I feel you here as sometimes I have weird triggers as well. Stay strong and on your way to 90 days!
Can't believe it's been 82 days since PMO or MO. The longest I've been in recent history was 30 days back in 2009. It wasn't to quit porn or reboot it was to get my shit right for PIV. The last 6 years have definitely been the worse when it came to PIV. I didn't care about it. I would've much rather PMO back then.
The good thing is that I don't feel like a slave anymore. I don't feel weird because I have thousands of Nude pics of women on my phone. Or hundreds of bookmarks to my favorite scenes.
When I was working the other day my buddy showed me some P Sub on Instagram. He has no idea what I'm going through. Usually I was the one sending him pics of Instagram girls. You know." Check this girl out check this girl out" I was the Porn guru in every situation. Back in the early days 2004 or 2005. I was the person to ask what were the best porn sites. It was like I was a drug dealer of porn.
I think the early days of Covid was a turning point for me. It was Porn or PSub all day every day. I think a lot or people went a little crazy. A few female friends were sending me nudes of themselves and hardcore stuff of themselves. So much nonsense when I look back. Such a large portion of my life was based on Porn P sub Sex Addiction etc. When I decided to get rid of all my porn it was before I discovered Reboot Nation or Your Brain on Porn. The day I decided to get rid of the Porn was my Rock Bottom. I just couldn't do it anymore. Like they say at a Congressional Hearing " I Reclaim my Time". Because porn was taking up a lot of time.
It's funny. When I was using Porn I would do Porn Reboots I guess you call it to get turned on from regular Porn for lack of a better term. When I felt like the regular Porn wasn't getting me off I would take a break and come back to it. But the goal was to keep using porn.
There were times when G on G Porn would only get me off. Then I would switch back to B on G. It's like how I would switch between Jack Daniels and Vodka. What a crazy life I had.