Yesterday, We Had a Long Talk


I've done something bad with my partner last week and wrote about it too. Posted it in the Porn Addiction section and it helped me recover and heal from that. However, it left my partner with some questions and she's been not her self this last whole week. So I knew we had to talk somehow and we did.

I've already spoken to her about my porn addiction but not to the extent we dove into it last night. I told her everything, and it was tough, hard, shameful but in a way necessary because it wasn't just me admitting to myself in my own head or online in this forum with some anonymity, it was me admitting the extent of my porn addiction to an actual person. I went through it fully not holding back anything. She asked to what extent I was into stuff, and that was the question where I had to take a moment to realize what I was going to say may affect our relationship. So I went ahead and told her what type of stuff I was masturbating to. And how 'far down the rabbit hole' I was in.

While doing this, I realized that I've reach the pinnacle of depth in the 'porn rabbit hole' almost 10 years ago, and I've been fighting not to go deeper or to stop it since. It made me feel a little better knowing that I've been able to realize that my addition was unhealthy and that I need to reprogram my brain correctly. I also told her that the only reason that I'm able to comfortable confess this to her was that because I knew that there are thousands of other people like me out there who are trying to heal themselves, that I'm not alone and that we're all fighting this together. Being here, on this forum, honestly gives me the strength and dignity to keep my head help high and know there there's a light at the end of the tunnel because I'm not alone, that my brothers (and sisters) are there alongside of me doing the same thing. And those veterans who have reached the light at the end of the tunnel are turning back to catch us and help guide us towards the light.

I didn't feel super good after our talk because I was essentially lifting a lot of weight that was on her shoulders, but I didn't feel bad because it's not her responsibility to carry such a heavy burden for my personal addiction that I'm fighting and in the end it was a good thing to talk. I feel now like I would just before an important game, ready and focused to battle fight and win. Somehow I'm more motivated to blog, reach out and take care of my mental and physical health as well.