A beginning feels like so long ago and, in reality, it has been a lifetime for me. This is the first time I’ve written of my experiences and the cause for the delay is the ever increasing length of time that I’ve struggled with porn. “Laziness is strong with this one” – Yoda (probably). I also never wrote about my struggles with porn because I’ve always felt that it was uninteresting because there was no great trauma. I was never abused and I grew up in a loving home with a supportive family. I was given everything needed to have a normal healthy life, yet here I am 34 years old after having screwed up so many relationships not to mention my biology. I was given everything yet I snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. So let’s begin…..
I grew up in Western PA Amish country (no I’m not Amish) had a few good friends and a good family. Internet came late to our area. In fact, I remember the first time I saw the internet. It made no sense to me as I was 8 years old and it kept me away from being outside but oh well. Anyways, like most boys growing up, at a certain point I became curious about the opposite sex. I found myself sneaking and looking at the lingerie section of the JC Penney’s catalogue. I didn’t know why I liked it but I did. I suppose this habit continued for awhile but it never consumed my life not like porn.
I was 12 when I first saw porn on the internet. I was a sleepover at a friends house. When most went to sleep I stayed up with one of the guys showing me how the internet work (he was and is some sort of computer wiz to this day). Anyways I will never forget him saying “Check this out.” And before my eyes was the first naked women I had ever seen. I immediately felt nervous, guilty, and something deep inside said I shouldn’t be looking at this image. I wanted to see more. It was a dichotomy of emotions and feelings that I wanted to keep experiencing, but without internet of my own I had to settle for the monthly JC Penney’s which, all of a sudden, was not as appealing as it used to be. At 12 I already started to experience the need for stronger imagery.
At 13 years old, two seismic moments occurred, my dad got the house a DISH and I hit puberty. I stayed up late every night mostly watching Cartoon Network but one night I decided to venture out in the land of endless channels and see what else there was. After mostly surfing and getting bored I found Skinemax er…. I mean Cinemax. Being the horny guy I was I stopped and started to do what came natural. Soon after this we got the internet and I began to surf the web and sometimes would surf for images of what I was watching on tv. I knew it was bad and wrong but it never consumed my life. It was a mild curiosity. And for the first time I was seeing it play out instead of just still images. The still images never held the same appeal again. Once again at 13 years old I began to require stronger porn to get the high.
If you are reading this and made it this far I’m sure you’re wondering I’m going to give a year by year recap. Well, the answer is no, but as I reflect on a wasted past now that I’m 34 years old I’ve discovered that the years of 12 through 14 were vital to the foundation of how this addiction consumed me.
Like I said earlier puberty was a massive moment in my life. It was the time when I saw all my friends get bigger and I stayed smaller. All my friends played tough sports (remember I’m from farm country) and I played golf. All my friends were into popular music meanwhile I loved Jazz. All my friends were confident, loud and funny meanwhile I became more and more timid particularly around girls. I was always told I was cute and without sounding arrogant I know that I am attractive and was as a teen I was just very small. Now what happens next is pivotal for my development. As me and my friends would be hanging out with girls we would all be joking and as I would start to flirt with one (or at least what a 14 year old considered flirting) my friends would shift and start to make fun of me. It would become overwhelming the insults they would hurl at me. I would try to come back but 1 vs. 3 was tough. My reaction would be to get quiet and shy as I would be embarrassed. Over years of this happening I began to withdraw in social circles I became more quiet and timid. Some would say I’m introverted which is not my natural tendency. I began to feel depressed and as a result I began to turn to porn to alleviate those feelings of sadness. I began to chase the high.
As I left home and went out in the world it became easier to use porn to where I would choose it over hanging out with friends. Any stress I would face, no matter the context, porn was my escape and my coping mechanism. Somehow over the years my lack of confidence didn’t prevent me from having a few girlfriends however never once have I been able to have a healthy sex life with them because of the porn addiction. Because of how long I’ve used porn and how its graduated to stronger and stronger forms; I do sometimes wonder if my brain will ever be able to recover.
I recently began taking the addiction more seriously because I would like to be free from this evil and yes that the word I will use. The weight of it is too great for me to bear any longer and I want to defeat it once and for all. I’m tired of being timid, I’m tired of being unconfident around women, I’m tired of looking at porn. I hope this journal helps me to document my journey and read about others who struggle as I do and can glean strength off of each other. I haven’t viewed porn since May 13, 2021…… this is the longest stretch I’ve gone in almost 2 years. Today is day 18.
I have not been really feeling any changes though some of the trigger have been getting louder and louder. I was at a wedding of a dear friend and I was the only single person there. That’s about as big a trigger I can face. To cope the following day I went to the gym and when I got home I turned off my devices put on some back ground music and went to sleep. So far its been working but I’m afraid for when it doesn’t. One day at a time brothers and sisters one day at a time.
I grew up in Western PA Amish country (no I’m not Amish) had a few good friends and a good family. Internet came late to our area. In fact, I remember the first time I saw the internet. It made no sense to me as I was 8 years old and it kept me away from being outside but oh well. Anyways, like most boys growing up, at a certain point I became curious about the opposite sex. I found myself sneaking and looking at the lingerie section of the JC Penney’s catalogue. I didn’t know why I liked it but I did. I suppose this habit continued for awhile but it never consumed my life not like porn.
I was 12 when I first saw porn on the internet. I was a sleepover at a friends house. When most went to sleep I stayed up with one of the guys showing me how the internet work (he was and is some sort of computer wiz to this day). Anyways I will never forget him saying “Check this out.” And before my eyes was the first naked women I had ever seen. I immediately felt nervous, guilty, and something deep inside said I shouldn’t be looking at this image. I wanted to see more. It was a dichotomy of emotions and feelings that I wanted to keep experiencing, but without internet of my own I had to settle for the monthly JC Penney’s which, all of a sudden, was not as appealing as it used to be. At 12 I already started to experience the need for stronger imagery.
At 13 years old, two seismic moments occurred, my dad got the house a DISH and I hit puberty. I stayed up late every night mostly watching Cartoon Network but one night I decided to venture out in the land of endless channels and see what else there was. After mostly surfing and getting bored I found Skinemax er…. I mean Cinemax. Being the horny guy I was I stopped and started to do what came natural. Soon after this we got the internet and I began to surf the web and sometimes would surf for images of what I was watching on tv. I knew it was bad and wrong but it never consumed my life. It was a mild curiosity. And for the first time I was seeing it play out instead of just still images. The still images never held the same appeal again. Once again at 13 years old I began to require stronger porn to get the high.
If you are reading this and made it this far I’m sure you’re wondering I’m going to give a year by year recap. Well, the answer is no, but as I reflect on a wasted past now that I’m 34 years old I’ve discovered that the years of 12 through 14 were vital to the foundation of how this addiction consumed me.
Like I said earlier puberty was a massive moment in my life. It was the time when I saw all my friends get bigger and I stayed smaller. All my friends played tough sports (remember I’m from farm country) and I played golf. All my friends were into popular music meanwhile I loved Jazz. All my friends were confident, loud and funny meanwhile I became more and more timid particularly around girls. I was always told I was cute and without sounding arrogant I know that I am attractive and was as a teen I was just very small. Now what happens next is pivotal for my development. As me and my friends would be hanging out with girls we would all be joking and as I would start to flirt with one (or at least what a 14 year old considered flirting) my friends would shift and start to make fun of me. It would become overwhelming the insults they would hurl at me. I would try to come back but 1 vs. 3 was tough. My reaction would be to get quiet and shy as I would be embarrassed. Over years of this happening I began to withdraw in social circles I became more quiet and timid. Some would say I’m introverted which is not my natural tendency. I began to feel depressed and as a result I began to turn to porn to alleviate those feelings of sadness. I began to chase the high.
As I left home and went out in the world it became easier to use porn to where I would choose it over hanging out with friends. Any stress I would face, no matter the context, porn was my escape and my coping mechanism. Somehow over the years my lack of confidence didn’t prevent me from having a few girlfriends however never once have I been able to have a healthy sex life with them because of the porn addiction. Because of how long I’ve used porn and how its graduated to stronger and stronger forms; I do sometimes wonder if my brain will ever be able to recover.
I recently began taking the addiction more seriously because I would like to be free from this evil and yes that the word I will use. The weight of it is too great for me to bear any longer and I want to defeat it once and for all. I’m tired of being timid, I’m tired of being unconfident around women, I’m tired of looking at porn. I hope this journal helps me to document my journey and read about others who struggle as I do and can glean strength off of each other. I haven’t viewed porn since May 13, 2021…… this is the longest stretch I’ve gone in almost 2 years. Today is day 18.
I have not been really feeling any changes though some of the trigger have been getting louder and louder. I was at a wedding of a dear friend and I was the only single person there. That’s about as big a trigger I can face. To cope the following day I went to the gym and when I got home I turned off my devices put on some back ground music and went to sleep. So far its been working but I’m afraid for when it doesn’t. One day at a time brothers and sisters one day at a time.
