Is my husband Gay/Bi, or is it an induced fetish

Concernedwife

New Member
My 30 year old husband has always been quite hyper-sexual, but we haven’t had “problems” with porn and fetishes until just the past 6 months

He essentially came out and said he fantasises about being a bottom and he wanted to peg himself. I consider myself open minded, and even though it was a bit confronting I thought it was better that he happily explore himself in private rather than suppress his feelings.

However this escalated to him saying he would have a Brokeback Mountain moment if we divorced, yet assured me he wasn’t actually attracted to men the same way he is attracted to women (ie. romanace, intimacy, physical attraction). He just liked the idea of the thrill and novelty of being with, specifically a gay man (no straight men, as I said he has no physical attracted to men).

He regularly watches gay porn and feels like he’s cheating himself by watching straight porn. He spends sometimes 30mins in the shower pegging himself and wants to continue to challenge himself by going up dildo sizes.

I’m now at the point where I’m sensing red flags. But God forbid, I’m not in the mood to be labelled as a kink shamer or homophobic


He is a regular porn user, and always has been. He admitted to watching gay porn as a teenager but couldn’t bring himself to climax over it. He had terrible luck with females (until he met me really), and questioned his sexuality because of it. He also suffered from ED for 3 years.

As a child he had issues with his mother as he only stayed with her part time. He admired her and wanted to be like her in terms of her energy and zest for life. His dad was boring and withdrew affection. As a teenager he was facing coercion from a peer to suck his penis in exchange for a gaming console.

I’m wondering if his unhealthy sexual attitude as a young man has manifested into this kink, and I’m seeking advice on how to handle it.

It’s literally been giving me sleepless nights and I’ve simply encouraged him to pursue a healthy relationship and outlet with his sexuality.
 

Concernedwife

New Member
I should add too that when he was in the worst part of his ED and issues with women (he couldn’t pursue them and get hard with them, even though he was undeniably attracted to them), a gay man came along and made him feel wanted.

my husband was not attracted to this man, but felt comforted by the fact in that moment he was wanted
 
I have actually read a lot about this from members on the nofap site. Their porn use escalated to the point where they questioned their sexuality. Several of them did have sexual relations with other men, but didn't pursue a relationship because they were certain they were not gay. When it comes to novelty and pleasure seeking, that is what it all boils down to in the end. Trying larger doses of their "drug" after reaching tolerance.

It does sound as though it started in childhood from what you've described. Is he at all interested in giving up PMO for an extended time period to see how things become? That is what a lot of those other members I mentioned did and that was when they realized it was not who they really were.

My husband also expressed to me that when gay men hit on him, he felt wanted. He also had a hard time getting girls even though he was attracted to them.
 

Rebel79

Member
So I’ve actually gone through something similar to your husband. I’ve been married for 16yrs and during this time was watching a lot of gay and trans porn. I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t stop and would start chatting on gay chat sites and caming with other gay men. It eventually got so bad that I am ashamed to say I had sex with 3 separate men. I sought therapy and between that and going through recovery I realized that it was a mix of my porn use and that I was Bi-curious. I’m glad that your husband has been open about it with you I wasn’t and it really did a lot of damage to my wife. My advice would be to sit down with him and talk about what he really wants. Does he want to be with men sexually or is this all just a fantasy of his and porn use is exacerbating it. I hope you guys can get past this. I am happy to talk with him if he wants to talk to someone who’s been were he is.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
I went through the gay phase while on porn for a few years before that is was pretending to be a woman on chat sites just to be able to connect with another woman usually in some sort of lesbian type scenario. Ive come to the conclusion that probably 90% of women on chat sites are actually males doing the same thing I was( real women have no problems finding sexual partners like a lot of men do so don't need to frequent a sex chat site) At I gave up the porn and the sex chat sites the gay phase in me seemed to totally disappear. In my opinion its mostly a fantasy thing or a need to fill a void( usually lack of real intimacy with a real lady) please note I said mostly not all. Might be time for him to do a little soul searching.
 
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