Savagesauce
Member
Day 0
Still using porn. I am losing hope. It feels impossible to stop again.
Still using porn. I am losing hope. It feels impossible to stop again.
Trying Again at Age 27
- Thread starter Savagesauce
- Start date
Savagesauce
Member
Day 1
After my last relapse, I am about done putting effort into quitting porn. It's getting me nowhere. I installed a really strong filter that's the next best thing to turning off the Internet entirely, locked my administrator account on my laptop, and put locks on most apps on my phone except for a web browser without images and videos. If someone sees my technology setup right now, I would be embarrassed, because it makes it pretty much clear that I'm a porn addict. In fact, being discovered to be a porn addict is the main reason that gets in the way of setting all these protections up, but I gotta do what I gotta do. My willpower is failing.
After my last relapse, I am about done putting effort into quitting porn. It's getting me nowhere. I installed a really strong filter that's the next best thing to turning off the Internet entirely, locked my administrator account on my laptop, and put locks on most apps on my phone except for a web browser without images and videos. If someone sees my technology setup right now, I would be embarrassed, because it makes it pretty much clear that I'm a porn addict. In fact, being discovered to be a porn addict is the main reason that gets in the way of setting all these protections up, but I gotta do what I gotta do. My willpower is failing.
Taking back power from this addiction, Savagesauce, is in realizing that 'things' (like images, urges, billboards, magazine racks at the store, the hot coworker) don't have power over you. Porn filters may be helpful like training wheels, I don't know, but I think more they're disempowering.
If I steal as a habit, if you lock your cabinets, hide your money, keep me away from anything of value, that only tells me that you don't trust me, that I'm untrustworthy, that I have no power over my compulsions, that I'm hopelessly addicted to being a thief. This only disempowers me, and makes me think that on a fundamental level I'm flawed and therefore hopeless.
You need to take back power, not give it away more. No 'trigger', no urge can make you act on it. You can outlast any urge, but as long as you see this thing as 'bigger than life', it will continue to dominate you, and you will be as nothing to it.
The opposite is true, it is nothing, and you are powerful enough to dismiss your urges, and regain your life.
If I steal as a habit, if you lock your cabinets, hide your money, keep me away from anything of value, that only tells me that you don't trust me, that I'm untrustworthy, that I have no power over my compulsions, that I'm hopelessly addicted to being a thief. This only disempowers me, and makes me think that on a fundamental level I'm flawed and therefore hopeless.
You need to take back power, not give it away more. No 'trigger', no urge can make you act on it. You can outlast any urge, but as long as you see this thing as 'bigger than life', it will continue to dominate you, and you will be as nothing to it.
The opposite is true, it is nothing, and you are powerful enough to dismiss your urges, and regain your life.
Savagesauce
Member
Thanks for the advice Phineas.
I'm still slipping, but I am taking measures to improve. I am going to try to minimize digital media on my phone as much as possible, and instead focus on more productive things. I've also decided to stop counting days, and keep up the habit of logging slips in order to learn from them.
As far as filters go, I will not go to the extreme with them anymore, but will instead just leave them on as a reminder of my commitment. If someone I knew was a thief, I indeed would start locking things up. It would serve as a reminder of their need to change their behavior. Would I expect these locks to stop them from stealing in and of themselves? No.
Other things I will do will be sleeping with my window blinds open to discourage masturbation, using my devices outside of my bedroom as much as possible, learning what I can about recovery, meditating regularly, and keeping up my journaling habit.
I'm still slipping, but I am taking measures to improve. I am going to try to minimize digital media on my phone as much as possible, and instead focus on more productive things. I've also decided to stop counting days, and keep up the habit of logging slips in order to learn from them.
As far as filters go, I will not go to the extreme with them anymore, but will instead just leave them on as a reminder of my commitment. If someone I knew was a thief, I indeed would start locking things up. It would serve as a reminder of their need to change their behavior. Would I expect these locks to stop them from stealing in and of themselves? No.
Other things I will do will be sleeping with my window blinds open to discourage masturbation, using my devices outside of my bedroom as much as possible, learning what I can about recovery, meditating regularly, and keeping up my journaling habit.
Savagesauce
Member
I had another good morning today. I slept with my blinds open and didn't give in to masturbation. However, I lingered around in bed more than I would like, which puts me at risk for masturbation, and then later to porn. I also should have used a sleep mask, because the light from the window affected my sleep quality. I just know that closing the blinds in my bedroom makes me feel like I'm shutting myself off from the world and hiding, which I associate with my addiction. I can't keep doing that anymore.
I also avoided compulsive phone use last night, and read a magazine instead. Normally in the evening I would watch too many youtube videos or consume too many podcasts and overload myself with information. Didn't do that this time. I think I'll leave podcasts and youtube off my phone for a while and just listen to music instead so my brain can relax more, and so I can read more.
I also avoided compulsive phone use last night, and read a magazine instead. Normally in the evening I would watch too many youtube videos or consume too many podcasts and overload myself with information. Didn't do that this time. I think I'll leave podcasts and youtube off my phone for a while and just listen to music instead so my brain can relax more, and so I can read more.
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Savagesauce
Member
I masturbated again this morning, and had some fantasies about porn. Last night and this morning too, I have been feeling sluggish and unmotivated.
Savagesauce
Member
I had another good day without porn or masturbation. I tried attending a Buddhist recovery group for sex addiction, but it wasn't for me. I'm making sure not to stay up too late or consume a lot of digital media tonight, which have tended to be problems for me on Saturdays. I'm going to read instead.
Savagesauce
Member
I masturbated this morning, because I slept with my blinds closed and lingered in bed. I did entertain some thoughts about porn I used to watch, which doesn't help.
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hi Savagesauce! I'm new here. I read your thread. Glad you're still here writing even though it doesn't seem to be always easy. I can see you're committed! Have you tried to write a detailed morning routine for yourself? It helped me a lot. Not making it too ambitious is important (at first, then you can add to it as you go) - and adding exact timing for each activity! It might help with the difficult mornings. 
Also, remember that the first week is always the most difficult and it's when your brain will do all it can to make you relapse, so if you can, remember that it should get easier as you move beyond the first few days of "abstinence"!
Also, remember that the first week is always the most difficult and it's when your brain will do all it can to make you relapse, so if you can, remember that it should get easier as you move beyond the first few days of "abstinence"!
Savagesauce
Member
I've been slipping again in multiple ways. Using porn, using my devices in my bedroom, sometimes uninstalling my filtering software. I'm also masturbating every morning again, because I'm waking up on autopilot with my blinds closed and environment already set up for me to compulsively masturbate. I'm reminding myself why I have these boundaries, being grateful for the positive impact they have on my life, and getting back in the saddle. If sleeping with blinds open is messing with my sleep quality, I can try a more comfortable sleep mask.
Lately I've been feeling numb and a bit apathetic. It looks like I'm having a depression relapse. I'm reading a self-help book that worked in the past for eliminating depression, and I went for a run to build up some positive energy.
I'm listening to some podcasts and watching videos on recovery to get my system back together for changing myself. I'm still debating with myself whether or not to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous again. Checking in with others, sharing my story, and being accountable in a group are all good things, but I think the 12-step doctrines of powerlessness and relying on a higher power have actually made my recovery worse. I want to find a good group where I can share that doesn't promote these beliefs, because I do feel vulnerable to peer pressure to believe these things and they seem to sabotage me. I'm also wary about finding a counselor or therapist again, because my last one seemed to not help me much, and was a waste of time and money.
My next step now is just to keep working on my depression and get those symptoms down again. That means more running and CBT exercises. I need to start waking up with my blinds open again and set my boundaries up to interfere with my automatic porn and masturbation habits.
Lately I've been feeling numb and a bit apathetic. It looks like I'm having a depression relapse. I'm reading a self-help book that worked in the past for eliminating depression, and I went for a run to build up some positive energy.
I'm listening to some podcasts and watching videos on recovery to get my system back together for changing myself. I'm still debating with myself whether or not to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous again. Checking in with others, sharing my story, and being accountable in a group are all good things, but I think the 12-step doctrines of powerlessness and relying on a higher power have actually made my recovery worse. I want to find a good group where I can share that doesn't promote these beliefs, because I do feel vulnerable to peer pressure to believe these things and they seem to sabotage me. I'm also wary about finding a counselor or therapist again, because my last one seemed to not help me much, and was a waste of time and money.
My next step now is just to keep working on my depression and get those symptoms down again. That means more running and CBT exercises. I need to start waking up with my blinds open again and set my boundaries up to interfere with my automatic porn and masturbation habits.
Savagesauce
Member
I'm feeling pretty fatigued this morning. I only slept about 6 hours, because I napped too late in the day yesterday, and stayed up late on my phone, again using porn.
After some reflection, and reading the Tao Te Ching, I am seeing how forceful I am being in my recovery, and it feels like this forcefulness may be holding me back. I also remember reading in one of Stanton Peele's (an addiction expert) books, and he wrote about the phenomenon of "natural recovery", which is when people overcome a substance use disorder or behavioral addiction on their own without any treatment. Many of these people who naturally recover from addictions don't use any therapy, self-help, support groups, or medications, and yet they recover. Most people who quit smoking do so cold turkey without any treatment. I'm wondering if going back to my natural way of recovering from porn addiction that I was doing years ago may work better for me. I remember when I first when a couple of months without porn I was just living life. I was dating, not counting days, not doing any recovery exercises or using any special techniques. I just quit naturally. Ultimately what got me back into my addiction was a decision to "test myself" to see if I could handle porn in a non-addictive way, which led to years of more addiction. I also remember talking a recovery coach, explaining how after years of trying different methods to quit I was losing hope and getting frustrated, and he ultimately suggested to stop trying to quit for a while. Well, I haven't been doing that. I've been still trying hard, trying everything I can. And this forcefulness may be continuing my failure.
"Things that gain a place by force will flourish for a time, but then fade away. They are not in keeping with Tao. Whatever is not in keeping with Tao will come to an early end." ~ Lao Tsu
I'm just going to stop using porn, but addiction may be part of my life for a while. I can act patiently instead of forcefully to find my way back to healthy living.
After some reflection, and reading the Tao Te Ching, I am seeing how forceful I am being in my recovery, and it feels like this forcefulness may be holding me back. I also remember reading in one of Stanton Peele's (an addiction expert) books, and he wrote about the phenomenon of "natural recovery", which is when people overcome a substance use disorder or behavioral addiction on their own without any treatment. Many of these people who naturally recover from addictions don't use any therapy, self-help, support groups, or medications, and yet they recover. Most people who quit smoking do so cold turkey without any treatment. I'm wondering if going back to my natural way of recovering from porn addiction that I was doing years ago may work better for me. I remember when I first when a couple of months without porn I was just living life. I was dating, not counting days, not doing any recovery exercises or using any special techniques. I just quit naturally. Ultimately what got me back into my addiction was a decision to "test myself" to see if I could handle porn in a non-addictive way, which led to years of more addiction. I also remember talking a recovery coach, explaining how after years of trying different methods to quit I was losing hope and getting frustrated, and he ultimately suggested to stop trying to quit for a while. Well, I haven't been doing that. I've been still trying hard, trying everything I can. And this forcefulness may be continuing my failure.
"Things that gain a place by force will flourish for a time, but then fade away. They are not in keeping with Tao. Whatever is not in keeping with Tao will come to an early end." ~ Lao Tsu
I'm just going to stop using porn, but addiction may be part of my life for a while. I can act patiently instead of forcefully to find my way back to healthy living.
Savagesauce
Member
I'm going to try periods of abstinence, and periods where I try healthy masturbation, and see what works better for me.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
That's right, man. I believe everybody should find what works for them. This is, at the end of the day, a personal journey. Maybe the thing people have the hardest time with is urges. It's that moment when all we see in front of us is the pleasure and we forget the long term goal. How do we keep ourselves away from watching porn when urges get so crazy? I think everyone needs to figure out an answer for this. I've reached 43 days without porn, I must be doing something right, maybe this is really what I need to follow. Maybe I've found the solution for my journey. And maybe the solution for myself was really simplifying everything down to the basics. I used to complicate myself a lot with too many variables. Once I stripped everything down to a few "rules to never break", it started working. But, maybe the most important thing was "Embracing the suck". Not complaining about the hard moments, just keeping going through them, "It is what it is, that's what I need to do to be free" type of thing, you feel me?
Savagesauce
Member
I masturbated again this morning, and it wasn't optimal. I ended up thinking about porn sometimes, and about a woman I have a crush on other times. I find that I can't really control my fantasies, and I can't really force myself to stop masturbating. This habit may something that improves or falls away if I let go of it gently. My recovery feels much more relaxed as I try to go about it in a more natural, less forceful way. Maybe the first thing to let go of is orgasm, and then I can let go of fantasies, and then maybe masturbation altogether for a while.
Thats how i was able to get over it. In the beginning i also sometimes masturbated. For me the focus was always primarily to stop P at any cost. With time i was also able to reduce my habit to M. Chaser effect was difficult sometimes, but i found it more difficult to get rid of P without any M.
CoolBreeze
Active Member
I'm beginning to research Sex Addiction in general. Which is the basis for my Porn Addiction and PMO. It's like with my Alcohol Addiction I had to remove the Alcohol and find out the basis for my Alcohol Abuse. Another part of any recovering from any addiction is Emotional Sobriety. It's like even after being sober from Alcohol for a period of time. You behave the same way as if you were still drinking because you know of no other way to behave.
It's difficult to get emotional sobriety because the destructive behaviors are ingrained.
I was driving from a Pharmacy today and noticed this absolutely stunning woman with 2 guys. This was near a local University. She was wearing very high cut off jean shorts. Now, my mind went straight to fantasy for a few seconds and after I got home even more. After 68 days of no MO it wouldn't take much to MO to the thought of this woman. So this leads me to emotional sobriety within my Porn and Sex Addiction.
68 days ago I could have seen this woman with my low libido and she would have been virtually invisible. Now having a good libido is good but my behaviors have to change in objectifying women. Thats the emotional sobriety. Changing those behaviors.
It's like when I was drunk and someone said something I didn't like I could verbally attack them sometimes physically. The same could happen being Alcohol free for months or years. Changing that behavior when alcohol free is emotional sobriety.
Now being Porn free and PMO free for a few months and seeing a attractive woman on the street or on TV or a reg Movie or a newscast I can feel a slight urge to attack myself sexually with MO. Changing that behavior when Porn Free is Emotional Sobriety.
Which is why I need to learn and deal with my Sexual Addiction. There are many answers I seek.
It's difficult to get emotional sobriety because the destructive behaviors are ingrained.
I was driving from a Pharmacy today and noticed this absolutely stunning woman with 2 guys. This was near a local University. She was wearing very high cut off jean shorts. Now, my mind went straight to fantasy for a few seconds and after I got home even more. After 68 days of no MO it wouldn't take much to MO to the thought of this woman. So this leads me to emotional sobriety within my Porn and Sex Addiction.
68 days ago I could have seen this woman with my low libido and she would have been virtually invisible. Now having a good libido is good but my behaviors have to change in objectifying women. Thats the emotional sobriety. Changing those behaviors.
It's like when I was drunk and someone said something I didn't like I could verbally attack them sometimes physically. The same could happen being Alcohol free for months or years. Changing that behavior when alcohol free is emotional sobriety.
Now being Porn free and PMO free for a few months and seeing a attractive woman on the street or on TV or a reg Movie or a newscast I can feel a slight urge to attack myself sexually with MO. Changing that behavior when Porn Free is Emotional Sobriety.
Which is why I need to learn and deal with my Sexual Addiction. There are many answers I seek.
Savagesauce
Member
I ended up watching porn a few times last night, because I hadn't made the commitment again to actually quit, but was preparing myself to quit. After the unhappiness my binge caused, I am again quitting with certainty. I don't need porn to function as a human being, and I will never use porn again. It's far simpler just to say I will never use it than to set a time in the future when I will be able to use it in a "healthy way". Never again.
For me at least, I tried both as well and I found out that masturbation was compulsive for me. If I did it once (without porn), it didn't satisfy me and I would want to do it again and again. That's why I decided that I needed to cut out masturbation altogether. Everyone has their own journey though.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
MO doesn't seem to work for me either because of the same thing you said. Also, it's a dangerous ground because MO doesn't release the same level of dopamine as porn and I would crave more dopamine. This would push me hard to go back to porn.