A way back to the light

[46and2]

It´s funny the ways in which we can deceive ourselves. I´ve known for a long time that my relationship with sex and pornography has been a compulsive addictive one with all the hallmarks; guilt, shame, depression, erectile dysfunction, frequent escort use, fear of intimacy, lack of ambition, self-imposed isolation, low confidence, self-loathing, lying to and deceiving others.....the list is inexhaustible and utterly exhausting. And yet the one thing I´ve refused to do, in the 10 years or so I´ve understood I have a problem, is admit to myself that I´m powerless against my addiction. That I can´t hope to ever have control of it and that I cannot hope to be able to remain clean without the support of peers. I need to accept that not only do I need help but that it´s ok......more than ok to seek it. I turn 34 years old this Saturday; I can´t keep putting my recovery on hold because I fall time and time again by myself. I want to find a way to build meaning into my life; find a partner to share a loving relationship with, have a family, give something back to my community....lead a good life where I can have respect for the person I see when I look in the mirror. That´s something I don´t have. But I´m not so far gone that I don´t see how much potential there is to be lived out if I could get my act together. So my only goal today is to get through the rest of the day without using as I have three times today. I could go big with my bio, hopes, dreams, goals etc. but I would rather build up that stuff over time. Right now it´s a day by day approach. So yes I´m a porn addict. I´m powerless to find a place of recovery by myself and so ask for your support. I will do my best to offer support to other forum users. Right now I don´t know if I have a belief that I can change, I´ve burnt myself far too many times not to be wary of the flames.....but I do believe that if I could change and get my act together, then life would truly begin to open up to me in ways profound and exhilarating! Shall we try get there together?

 

[46and2]

The hardest thing I´m feeling this evening is a very intense loneliness and disconnect from everything. God willing tomorrow will feel like a different day.

 

[Fappy]

Hello!
How many days in are you?
Its always hardest at the very start, but as the days go by it gets so much better.

Everyday without porn makes for a better tomorrow!
- Fappy, 2021.

(yeah, I quote myself, so what...)

 

[EarthWalker]

I´m feeling this evening is a very intense loneliness and disconnect from everything.

Hi, Neil.

I've been dealing with this myself. What I found that it works a lot. Is to be kind to myself. And most importantly. The game changes for me is to allow myself to feel negative emotions. I allow myself to feel loneliness. I tried to suppress this. But it got even worse. By allowing to feel, from a space of non-judgement and compassion. I am seeing that this emotions get transmuted.

Wish you well
EW

 

[guitar1968]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. The good news? You already know you have a problem and you are young! You can conquer this and live a long and wonderful life free from porn. I'm 53. I've struggled probably for the last 10 years with it, but before that I didn't see it as a problem. And, I let it go until just 57 days ago. It's not easy, no one on here will tell you that it is. But, even for me I'm already feeling much better. Take it day by day. Post here often. Every time you start going to a porn site, switch gears and come here. Read about what other guys are going through. Comment, interact. It has helped me and many others get through many days. I really hope to continue on this path the rest of my life. I'm not going to hate myself for a slip up. I'm going to get right back on the horse if one occurs. Just keep trying, keep coming back here.

Good luck. We are here for you.

 

[46and2]

Thank you all for your messages of support, they mean a lot. So I'm on day 2 of my recovery. The furthest I've ever gotten in the last 10 years was 50 days or so. I'm going to set my goals in the short term for now and say that I would like to make it past the weekend without a relapse. Thankfully I've enough to keep me busy over the next few days! I also made contact with a sexaholics anonymous group here in my country which will be another way to find support during my recovery. I'm keen to really give this recovery attempt my all.

 

[46and2]

And the very best of luck to all of you in your recovery! I'll do my best to offer support where I can!

 

[46and2]

Day 3 and going good! Had that damn voice inside my head today recounting all my past mistakes; the pain I've caused myself and others through my addiction, the missed opportunities, the stagnation, defeat after defeat......that voice tells me I'm a loser. And you know what, maybe it's right, maybe I am. But I'm on to it's rotten game; you see that voice wants me to stay a loser so it can judge the fuck out of me day after day. But the awareness behind that voice tells me I have a choice and can be something different. I choose to listen to that instead.

 

[Fappy]

Yes! Listen to that voice, not the voice of the demon in your head telling you to PMO! The voice, the one that calls you a pathetic loser, is the demon-slut of PMO trying to gain possession of you and give it a feeding. But you wont! Its hungry for some PMO and will try all sorts of filthy tricks to get you to do it, including those dperessing thoughts... theres nothing it wont stoop to. So you just need to say to it: I CAST THEE OUT!
Avoid conversation with the demon at all costs, just ignore what it tells you. It will attack you, but it will be psychological only. Doooooont let it make you act those things out!

 

[46and2]

I was listening to Jordan Peterson podcast today; the man is like the father I wish I'd had. In this moment I see that I know how better my life would be if I can successfully recover from my porn addiction. That, even though I've made many mistakes and caused myself and others much hurt, if I orientated myself properly and gave my recovery 90% more of my effort instead of a mere fraction of a percentile....well my life could be so much better. That the universe would open up to me and that I could bear the suffering of Being with a dignity and strength that would last me a life time. That is my aim and that is who I went to be. Day 4

 

[guitar1968]

I was listening to Jordan Peterson podcast today; the man is like the father I wish I'd had. In this moment I see that I know how better my life would be if I can successfully recover from my porn addiction. That, even though I've made many mistakes and caused myself and others much hurt, if I orientated myself properly and gave my recovery 90% more of my effort instead of a mere fraction of a percentile....well my life could be so much better. That the universe would open up to me and that I could bear the suffering of Being with a dignity and strength that would last me a life time. That is my aim and that is who I went to be. Day 4

You can do this. Sounds like you are really starting to wrap your head around it. That is fantastic.

 

[HalfStepInHell]

I was listening to Jordan Peterson podcast today; the man is like the father I wish I'd had. In this moment I see that I know how better my life would be if I can successfully recover from my porn addiction. That, even though I've made many mistakes and caused myself and others much hurt, if I orientated myself properly and gave my recovery 90% more of my effort instead of a mere fraction of a percentile....well my life could be so much better. That the universe would open up to me and that I could bear the suffering of Being with a dignity and strength that would last me a life time. That is my aim and that is who I went to be. Day 4

That is a great role model. I am also listetning to him on YT and I was about to recommend him to you and then I scrolled down to see you already have found him. I am adding myself to the collective that is having fingers crossed and is cheering for you.

I am also on my day 4, though my situation is slighly different, I guess I had more luck along the way. I have only 2 long term friends, male who I could talk openly, but I have never opened fully, as they had their own lives, we man do like to marinate our problems inside, like Bill Burr jokes. First moved with parents in our teens, and just recently I finally found that 2nd friend, I had to move to another city. Just before Covid. I have problems to relay everything to my wife, cause "what she would think of me" and "am I man enough for her", the "good old" self doubt. But I have found this group, the idea of journals is great, all I see here is an support from others. You found it also, so we are now "Brothers". Stay strong and all the best. Lest add days together to that count!

 

[yogi]

Hi Neil

Great to know you are finally beginning to take back control of your life

Regarding the loneliness, these are experiences all rebooters go through. Must be a part of flatline and rewiring.

Hold on during those moments and don't let yourself slip

 

[46and2]

So it´s been a few days since I last posted. Unfortunately I slipped up the weekend and ending up relapsing. It actually wasn´t a particularly bad one in retrospect but still....could have done without it. I wanted to wait a few days before relapsing and posting so I could have a few clean days built up and have a more positive perspective when I came on here. If I´d posted initially after relapsing my post would have been full of self-loathing and self-pity; these are absolutely useless ways of expression and I´ve spent far too much energy on them and so refuse to do so as much as possible. Anyway I know exactly where I slipped up; I smoked a bit of weed and that immediately pulled me towards searching escorts and looking up pornography. It was an amateur mistake, I know very well that the association between smoking and porn is strong in me and so it´s imperative I stay away from dope whilst I break down my reliance on porn to regulate my boredom, heavy emotions, lonliness etc. Anyway so I´m on Day 4 again and feeling very good. I´ve been eating very well, working out, meditating and doing plenty of reading. All in all I´m regulating myself like a boss. On another note; I tried the whole SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) thing.....I don´t know if anyone here has ever given it a go. I´m glad I attended a meeting because if anything it showed me that my primary addiction is pornography and not an addiction to sex per say. I´ve had issues with visiting escorts but I truly believe (not in a way where I´m deceiving myself hopefully) that that was an attempt to reenact the pornography I was watching and more about sating depression and anxiety than having a chronic addiction. I clearly have moderate compulsion/addictions but I do see a big difference between the problems I´m dealing with and those of the chronic addict (that is not a judgement of any kind and I think any organisation that helps people overcome their addictions are fundamental). I bought Russell Brand´s book ´Recovery´ which looks at the 12 step programme through a lens that can be instituted in anybody´s life and so I can work the programme in a more personal way. Thats my post for now you beautiful people. Stay strong and live in love!!

 

[EarthWalker]

It will get better. It is getting better.

Seeing us free from P.
EW

edit: fwiw, I also slipped up.

 

[yogi]

Don't be disheartened.

I too relapsed 3 days ago.

The more you spend each day doing things OTHER than watching porn/smoking weed, you are strengthening your brain.

 

[46and2]

What's going on my brothers! So first of all let me say one thing; 'Recovery' by Russell Brand......get yourself a copy pronto cause it is speaking to me like nothing else. Second of all I need to do a tad bit more posting on here as I keep forgetting that the best way to overcome an addiction, bad habit, compulsion.....whatever we want to call it is by surrendering to a communtiy of people who are dealing with the same shit! That being said I would be highly interested in maybe finding someone to be an accountability partner with? Think it would help keep me on the straight and narrow and I love to be helpful to people and so would give me great satisfaction to be a support to someone too. Anyone who thinks we could be a support to each other let me know!! I'm Day 5 hardmode

 

[46and2]

So good news first; I've managed to find an accountability partner which I think will really help me in my goal to reboot and become clean of pornography for good!! Now the not so good news; I had a major relapse over the weekend m. My accountability partner (see the guy is already helping) suggested that I write about the events that led to the relapse and what triggered it. So I had been having an awesome week up to the Friday. I had gone for a run and pushed it too hard and gave myself a slight injury. This led to anxiety about it stopping me from running the next week and, true to form, whenever I hit a snag in my progress the desire to watch porn becomes intense.....like Im so myopic in my vision of what success is that at the moment of some perceived failure or something going wring this 'Fuck it' mentality takes over. I managed to over ride that somewhat but by the end of the night I had watched porn. On top of that my room mates were away for the weekend, I knew that being by myself for the weekend would be tough but I didn't make plans to go see friends and family to get out of the house. Boredom and loneliness are two major triggers for me and so I spent Saturday and Sunday in a weed and porn frenzy that left me feeling like absolute shit. Long bouts of solitude whilst I'm trying to recover are not good for me so next time I absolutely need to start connecting more with real people in real life. The dichotomy is it's hard to connect with women when I'm trying to reboot but then I should realise there's more than just relationship connections to encourage; my connetion to my friends, my family, maybe connect with people by taking up a new hobble. I need to spend less time alone as that's a serious red flag. I also need to post here daily; at least for the first few weeks, encourage others and be encouraged by their progress. I keep winging it and thinking, by myself I have the strength to do this alone. I don't so why would I not seek and accept help from this community who feel the same pain I do and struggle with the same soul sucking addiction?! Well I have a accountability partner and that's a good start. Day 1 Hard-core mode; God willing get me through this day.

 

[yogi]

Dear 46and2
This is going to happen; reboot-relapse-reboot. But the key is to keep marching forward.

Being alone is certainly a trigger, I agree. But if you attack that as your prime trigger, it could paradoxically make you dependent on other people. Put in another way, you will jeopardise your ability to control yourself if left alone, so it could actually be a stumbling block.

Try to practice meditation/ mindfulness etc. Don't push yourself to exercise beyond limits. Instead concentrate on making exercise a habit and maybe a replacement to porn.

Rooting for you!

 

[46and2]

I hear you Yogi; I certainly don't want to be a co-dependent person. It think for me it's a matter of just getting out there more as I isolate myself too much. I don't know about you guys but when I fall off the horse I find it difficult to get back on. All my workouts, clean living, meditation, good habits go straight out the window; like I want to punish myself further for being weak. Anyway still going strong, no urges but the voices in my head saying I'm worthless are a nuisance.