A way back to the light

46and2

Active Member
Something I'd like to share; so I'm a big fan of Russell Brand. I thinks he's a wonderful, kind and compassionate human being and funny as hell too. Whilst looking at his latest talks on spirituality on YouTube I found an old video of him flirting with numerous women. The man is charismatic and charming; he has a well documented history of....well getting laid by various women I guess. What i want to share is this; often when I encounter such stories, hear or see men displaying confidence with women that is clearly attractive to them....well I become jealous and yes I must admit some what resentful. But Why? It's not that I hate the success of others or reserve any judgement for it. I guess I just wish I have that type of confidence but beyond that I particularly wish that I had had a youth of sexual conquest (I hate that word because it denotes that women are something to be conquered). Now to listen to Brand talk today; he would admit that his sleeping around was mostly a consequence of his deep yearning for connection and validation. And so I wonder to myself if by some miracle I woke up tomorrow no longer encumbered by my porn addiction and was some uber confident guy and had the ability to go out there and start sleeping around....would I just be doing the same thing I've used porn for? Would I be just trying to sate a yearning in me for something deep and meaningful? I mean is seems obvious that the answer is yes and yet that jealousy lies within me. I don't like it and the power it has to make me feel worthless.....but I'm aware of it and that's a good step. I just wanted to surrender that this evening.
 

AJM

Active Member
Great Neil,
I am sure if you pursue what you want with full sincerity and devotion, Russell will look up to you with admiration .
And yes admiration and appreciation is healthier than Jealousy.
Every one has their own journey, so is yours.
Glad you are putting out your thoughts into this journal
Take care & more power to you .
 

yogi

Active Member
Glad to see you are reflecting and putting out your deepest thoughts.

Almost all workers and researchers in the field of porn addiction mention that, somewhere, sometime, something happened which was unpleasant and we wanted to escape it. Since we were teenagers then, the exact thing that turns us to porn never really registers in our memory. And the porn serves as a anxiety relieving medication before transforming into nuisance and then into a leech that sucks out our energies.

Keep up the march towards transformation!
 

46and2

Active Member
So today is day 5 without PMO and more importantly a weekend without it which is usually the time I'm most likely to use. I'm off to a good start but I just want to bring into my own awareness that it's important I dont become complacent and stay vigilant. One day at a time!

So I'll continue on my journey to the why of it all; I was back home after college, dazed and confused. I found work in a bar and got into a bit of a party lifestyle; drinking and drugs etc. I suppose drugs, like porn, offered me that escape from myself that I longed for, a chance to feel good and not carry some existential dread. When I wasn't working or going out, I was spending time in my room smoking weed and playing video games and watching a lot of porn. I wasn't motivated or driven whatsoever. You know and I take responsibility for that; I could have made a different choice. If I had applied myself something different could have happened. But I am where I am now and today I accept it as is. My journey is my own and in this moment I choose to orientate myself in the right direction. That's all for today brothers! Everyone have a blessed day.
 

46and2

Active Member
I also just want to add that I think drugs and that way of living was also giving me the false sense of confidence. Like people in my hometown who had bullied me in my younger days were now accepting me so I was in this mindframe of craving people's validation because I didn't believe in myself.
 

46and2

Active Member
Day 6 and I'm still clean and in recovery from PMO. I had a good weekend, hung out with some old friends and it felt good to be social. I didn't have any major urges over the weekend or today; some sexual fantasies here and there but nothing graphic or porn based. I started my meditation practice again today and also went for a run. I kind of sucked at both but that's ok; it will take a few days to get back into the swing of things after my big relapse two weeks ago. The biggest thing I had to deal with today were the voices in my head running me down but rather than fight I think its best I just let them have their say and let my actions prove them wrong. I'd like to add more to the my story but it's late and I'm just finished work but I certainly shall when I have time. Have a blessed day brothers!
 

46and2

Active Member
So I'm about half way through day 7 of my recovery. That's a solid and something I can congratulate myself on and be proud of. It's important though that I remind myself not to be complacent as I've been here before and fallen hard. Vigilance is key. In that vein, it's important to consider what are the things I'm doing on this reboot that may be leading to more success than previously so that I can encourage those strategies. I think two of the most important aspects of this reboot are that a) I'm not attempting to do this alone; in regular contact with accountability partner as well as seeking guidance and connection through this community at large which is definitely new for me (I rarely ever seek help, I once saw that as a strength but have come to realise that maybe it has been my greatest downfall) and b) the journaling has been a great tool for helping me bring awareness to my addiction (the whys, the what's, the feelings i have about it all etc.) It's a cathartic experience that allows me to let go of the anxiety that might otherwise cause me to use.

So I'd like to continue on with the story of my journey with pornography. It's not necessary anyone even read these parts but I find it helps me to write it out of me bit by bit. So I had fallen into this rut of weed, drugs, porn and then I went to see an escort. I suppose it was quite simply a way for me to have sex but without the confidence it required to get out there and meet someone in a more natural setting. The first time I went (I have used escorts countless times since and it almost became a compulsion in it's own right) it was a disaster. I was nervous and couldn't really perform at all; it may have been PIED or it may have just been nerves but either way a pattern began to present itself over the years......i would have an encounter with someone either through a natural meeting or an escort but would find myself with a mostly limp noodle and this in turn would lead to shame and anxiety which would futher exacerbate my porn use. See its obvious how years and years of compulsive addictive behaviour can create this fucking layer upon layer or problem. The reason we initially overconsumed porn then gets buried under all these layers until a decade later I'm left with a cluster fuck of neurosis and multiple issues. Hindsight is easy; truly understanding that at the time was something I wasn't willing to do, it would have meant serious determination and change and I clearly wasn't interested in that at the time. I would have to cause myself and many other people pain before I would realise what a destructive and self-destructive human being I had become. It was around this time that I began to watch porn that hadn't been available or that I hadn't been interested in up to this point. Normal vanilla porn just didn't do it for me anymore and so I began to gravitate towards transsexual porn. So let me just note something here before I go any further; i have zero moral issue with the many different ways people explore and enjoy their sexuality as long as it's consensual and no one is getting hurt. I have yet to fully understand whether I moved to watching this type of porn because it aligned more closely with my desires or whether it was because I had become desensitized to traditional heterosexual stuff. It doesn't really matter right now what the answer to that question is because staying clean and recovering from my pornography addiction is the only thing that matters. But I remember when I first began watching it I was both thrilled by the tabboo nature of it but also kind of turned off in a sense too (I don't want to use a word like disgusted, its not my intention to offend anybody). Its very possible that j felt this way because I grew up in a rural location where deviating from the norm singled you out as a weirdo and the like. It's hard to say but I hope as I progress further into my reboot that these things become clearer to me. That's my bit for today. Have a blessed day brothers!!
 

AJM

Active Member
Hey Neil ,
I am so happy and proud of seeing you open up and having some soul searching conversations with yourself.
I just want to let you know the watching trans/homo porn, at times even acting it out is not a new phenomenon, its quite common for straight men addicted to porn and I have gone through it myself.
Fell free to open up about it if you have any doubts or queries.
It feel you are on right track, keep it up and stay blessed bro.
Much love.
 

46and2

Active Member
Day 8 and still smooth sailing so far. My mood is pretty neutral which is pretty good as I'm purposefully not allowing myself to become to elated with my progress; Pride cometh before the fall! Had some nice dreams last night where I made out with a girl, there was no sex involved, just a bit of kissing but it felt super nice and I woke up fully aroused. What I was more happy about was the fact there was no chase after the dream; I was able to enjoy and accept it for what it was without the need to chase a conclusion either through porn, fantasy or masturbation. So yes some nice healthy progress I feel. Hope all of you are keeping your heads up and your hearts strong. Have a blessed day!
 

46and2

Active Member
And so I've reached the end of day 8. Something I'd like to surrender, I was struck by a common pattern of thinking this evening whilst in work listening to my podcasts (I do a very boring monotonous job so they get me through) and, as is often the case when I'm doing most anything, I got to thinking about myself and my life and how I'm not doing enough; how I could be more altruistic, how I could be reading more or doing more for the environment or be more connected to the world or doing a better job or or or or or......I'm not saying that there's something wrong with wanting better for myself, that I could and should do better in the places I can but I need to remind myself that this strand of thinking is constant and it's always telling me "you're not good enough"....but good enough for who or what?? And even if I managed to achieve all the things I give myself a hard time over would I feel good enough then? I suspect not. So yes, it's good to set goals and move forward in the world and to do the work that helps mold me into the person I'd like to become but in this moment right now, the only moment I ever have, I'm exactly who I am and I accept that. Another thing I'd like to add in this journey of self-reflection; I was reading about the different attachment styles that we, for various reasons, develop as infants and than use as a template in our adult relationships whether they be intimate or friendship etc. It seems to me that I have an ambivalent-anxious attachment style. I won't go into the details of what all that means but when I read it.....I felt like some level of relief or more like a revelation.....the kind that is felt when a person understands themselves just that little more than they did yesterday.
 

Freddy

Active Member
And so I've reached the end of day 8. Something I'd like to surrender, I was struck by a common pattern of thinking this evening whilst in work listening to my podcasts (I do a very boring monotonous job so they get me through) and, as is often the case when I'm doing most anything, I got to thinking about myself and my life and how I'm not doing enough; how I could be more altruistic, how I could be reading more or doing more for the environment or be more connected to the world or doing a better job or or or or or......I'm not saying that there's something wrong with wanting better for myself, that I could and should do better in the places I can but I need to remind myself that this strand of thinking is constant and it's always telling me "you're not good enough"....but good enough for who or what?? And even if I managed to achieve all the things I give myself a hard time over would I feel good enough then? I suspect not. So yes, it's good to set goals and move forward in the world and to do the work that helps mold me into the person I'd like to become but in this moment right now, the only moment I ever have, I'm exactly who I am and I accept that. Another thing I'd like to add in this journey of self-reflection; I was reading about the different attachment styles that we, for various reasons, develop as infants and than use as a template in our adult relationships whether they be intimate or friendship etc. It seems to me that I have an ambivalent-anxious attachment style. I won't go into the details of what all that means but when I read it.....I felt like some level of relief or more like a revelation.....the kind that is felt when a person understands themselves just that little more than they did yesterday.
Great post. I share the same feelings of inadequacy and it is poisonous.
 

AJM

Active Member
Neil, its a pleasure to see you reflect back upon yourself .
Hope this helps you to know the purpose you are here.
Much love.
 

46and2

Active Member
Day 9 of my recovery! So far I've not needed to deal with any real serious urges that have brought me close to using. As I said before the only conclusion I can come to is that it is because I'm finding strength, help and support in this community and with it I'm finding the power to stay clean. Fuck man, I wish I had really given this community a proper shot years ago. I had joined in the distant past but I always just gave up journaling after my first relapse. I'm grateful though to Gabe for providing us with a forum to seek help and provide support to each other.

So I've had a lot of negative emotional feeling pop up this evening. I wrote in my post yesterday that its easy to get caught up in the "I should be doing this etc." stuff but it's also easy to get caught up in the shit I never should have done thoughts. I suppose it's only natural given the clarity that comes with being clean....it's like this; I don't believe people are fundamentally good nor do I think we're inherently bad. We're like a coin with two faces and can exhibit either one. It's a choice and man have I made a lifetime of bad choices, not just choices that hurt myself but choices that hurt other people. I choose to be selfish, deceptive, cowardly and weak so many times I've lost count. I take full responsibility for those choices and my biggest hope......no my biggest act of faith is that by recovering from my porn addiction that I will be able to make the right choices from now on, to become a better man for my family and friends and become a good person who can give back to the world with gratitude and love. That's my sharing for today; much love brothers!!!
 

46and2

Active Member
The beginning of day 10. I would like to continue on with my personal journey for a little bit. So yeah I had begun to gravitate towards pornography that was beyond what I had considered to my usual 'hetero' stuff. As I said, at the time, I think this was causing me some level of anxiety but I wasn't really seeing the ultra negative effects just yet. A friend of mine then suggested that we move to a different country for a year and I was all for it. The funny thing is I'd spent my while teens talking about how I was going to live in a big city when I was older and all that......and yet if my friend hadn't actually asked me to go somewhere.....well I don't know if I would have actually gotten off my ass to leave. I was always the talker; eager to let everyone know I had plans and I was going to go somewhere but perhaps deep down knowing I had no plans and I was totally lost. I remember I even kept delaying buying the plane ticket until he went ahead and did it. And I had like a year to prep and save money and I didn't really save a cent before I went over. I know I was young and stupid but I don't want to give myself too much of a break because I was more immature and stupider than your average 21 year old I believe. Anyway with no real useful qualifications, no driving licence and hardly any savings we moved away. In retrospect I should have learnt how to take better care and be responsible for myself before going over; my experience would have been far better. The first two months were a fun but fun in the way that drinking alcohol and doing drugs can be fun which is to say it gets old fast. I remember distinctly thinking to myself that I hadn't come over for this, to do the same fucking thing that I had been doing in my hometown but I continued to do it anyway. I think I also pushed myself to become someone I wasn't: I suppose that's natural when you go somewhere new and are no longer constricted by the expectations and opinions of your old town but it didn't necessarily feel like the real me was emerging or something.....like I wasn't being this totally disingenuous person but I think I was really pushing myself hard to make other people like me, to be the joker because I felt so fucking uncomfortable in my own damn skin. I wanted the confidence and adventurous spirit that everyone around me seemed to have but it wasn't in me or at least I didn't encourage it to rise to the surface. In essence I had gone somewhere new but all the feelings of disconnect and confusion about myself and my life had followed me and rather than finding a new way to deal with it, well I just continued numbing myself the ways I had become accustomed to; porn, weed, alcohol and hard drugs. And my friend who I moved over there with; well I kind of let him down over there too. See he wasn't the most social of guys; I knew before we went over that he was going to have problems connecting with people over there; he has his own issues with alcohol and himself. At some point over there I drifted away from him in quite a deliberate way; people over there didn't know what to make of him and I guess I pulled away. Now I'm not taking responsibility for his social anxiety or the mistakes he made over there but we had gone there together and I was supposed to be his friend, I could have talked to him and found out if there was a way I could help him connect better....i mean Jesus one honest conversation and we both could have realised that we were feeling a bit fucked and lost and then come up with a plan. But I was selfish; people liked 'me' I had work and I was chugging alone and so I pretty much gave up on the guy. Without work and pretty much left to himself, he ended up going back to our home country.....i didn't even see the guy off properly, I shook his hand one evening and that was that.....man that was shitty. Thankfully we're still friends. Well that's all I can muster this morning. Have a blessed day brothers!
 

46and2

Active Member
Day 11 and no PMO! Some urges present which I would to surrender but have no intention of using. I choose not to give my power to pornography and choose to give it to my recovery and this program instead. Much love everyone!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: AJM

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Just want to say I can relate quite a lot with what you wrote about Brand and addiction. In my view I attribute this to not getting the love I needed from parents in infancy and early childhood. But as adults I feel like we are able to give ourselves the love that was denied to us by our parents in childhood. I am exploring this concept of Self-Love. Being in "abundance" mindset and not lack mindset. Will see how it goes. Don't have anything to loose haha.

It is never too late to have a happy childhood.

Much love to you
EW
 
Last edited:
Day 11 and no PMO! Some urges present which I would to surrender but have no intention of using. I choose not to give my power to pornography and choose to give it to my recovery and this program instead. Much love everyone!!
I like that phrase 'don't give power to the pornography'. When you boil it down it really is just pictures on a screen isn't it.... It's phenomenal how much power we USED to give this shit. Great to here you're doing well and still PMO. Well done and keep it up!
 
Top