So I'm writing this entry, not from a clean perspective, but from, the perspective as someone still using. If I'm to be honest my relapse extends all the way back to April. Yeah I managed to go some time without porn in those months, I even reached 28 days at one point, but even during these periods I was fighting a losing battle because I had lost faith that recovering from pornography would make any difference to my life. Without that it's only a matter of time until I say fuck it! You see at the start of this year I experienced a break up of sorts, to be honest to call it a relationship is a farce. Even though it was over three years I provided that person nothing but emotional pain; I did not want to hurt her and I feel so ashamed I made her life so difficult because I was quite simply a selfish addict so concerned with his own pain that he couldn't connect properly. I do not blame my addiction though, I blame myself, I knew long before I got with this person that I wasn't well adjusted, that something was seriously wrong and yet I did nothing about it. Sure I made grandiose statements that I would change but they were just virtue signalling; ways to get some kind of validation from others because I truly hate myself. I've hated myself for such a long time now. Anyway I brought all toxic shit into this relationship and eventually, thank God, she gained the strength and courage to end it. And that devastated me because once again I had destroyed a chance to be happy but more So, more so than my own happiness, I had hurt someone else in a way I still struggle with to this day. Now let me say this straight, I'm not a physically violent person at all so there was none of that but emotional pain can be just as bad and far worse at times. And so yeah up until April I quit drinking and smoking! I worked out and meditated and did yoga and all the stuff we think about when we better ourselves. I didn't quite quit porn but my use was very limited. And then I tried to date and the anxiety of meeting someone new and the possibility of intimacy was very strong and I relapsed. You see the problem guys is something I realise but forget far too often; that trying to recover isn't so I can have sexual confidence....I used to think that way, that if I can reach 90 days then I'll be able to sleep with women again and all will be good; but even if I could get my natural libido back tomorrow and have sex all I wanted.....well sure nice yeah....but I know....I fucking know that that would still not fill the gaping hole inside me. For the bones of 15 years I've locked myself away in a room with pornography and weed; to the abandonment of everything else....relationships, career, friends, family and life. That is not the action of a well adjusted person, it is not the action of a balanced persorn, it is not the action of a emotionally healthy person and its certainly not the action of a person who values themselves. The world owes me nothing....the only person who owes me anything is the person I see when I look I'm the mirror. I have this small scrap of belief, so often often lost in the noise of the conflict in my head and heart, that there is a far more balance person buried underneath the broken mess I am. A good man......but I fear that if I don't make an honest to God real change for the better soon, that If I don't take rightful action; well I fear that that person will suffocate and perish and that I'll realise I am exactly who I often think I am and exactly the person I hate. I hope you are all well brother and staying strong! Thanks for reading and offering a space to share.