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A way back to the light
- Thread starter 46and2
- Start date
Loved to read your positivity and your strength and your willingness to keep trying no matter what! And I have time and again realised and felt the need of having someone to discuss it and get help without feeling shameful about it. So, yes! Buddy...we are here to support each other and he must do what it takes to help us get out of this! Be strongIt´s funny the ways in which we can deceive ourselves. I´ve known for a long time that my relationship with sex and pornography has been a compulsive addictive one with all the hallmarks; guilt, shame, depression, erectile dysfunction, frequent escort use, fear of intimacy, lack of ambition, self-imposed isolation, low confidence, self-loathing, lying to and deceiving others.....the list is inexhaustible and utterly exhausting. And yet the one thing I´ve refused to do, in the 10 years or so I´ve understood I have a problem, is admit to myself that I´m powerless against my addiction. That I can´t hope to ever have control of it and that I cannot hope to be able to remain clean without the support of peers. I need to accept that not only do I need help but that it´s ok......more than ok to seek it. I turn 34 years old this Saturday; I can´t keep putting my recovery on hold because I fall time and time again by myself. I want to find a way to build meaning into my life; find a partner to share a loving relationship with, have a family, give something back to my community....lead a good life where I can have respect for the person I see when I look in the mirror. That´s something I don´t have. But I´m not so far gone that I don´t see how much potential there is to be lived out if I could get my act together. So my only goal today is to get through the rest of the day without using as I have three times today. I could go big with my bio, hopes, dreams, goals etc. but I would rather build up that stuff over time. Right now it´s a day by day approach. So yes I´m a porn addict. I´m powerless to find a place of recovery by myself and so ask for your support. I will do my best to offer support to other forum users. Right now I don´t know if I have a belief that I can change, I´ve burnt myself far too many times not to be wary of the flames.....but I do believe that if I could change and get my act together, then life would truly begin to open up to me in ways profound and exhilarating! Shall we try get there together?
So I'm writing this entry, not from a clean perspective, but from, the perspective as someone still using. If I'm to be honest my relapse extends all the way back to April. Yeah I managed to go some time without porn in those months, I even reached 28 days at one point, but even during these periods I was fighting a losing battle because I had lost faith that recovering from pornography would make any difference to my life. Without that it's only a matter of time until I say fuck it! You see at the start of this year I experienced a break up of sorts, to be honest to call it a relationship is a farce. Even though it was over three years I provided that person nothing but emotional pain; I did not want to hurt her and I feel so ashamed I made her life so difficult because I was quite simply a selfish addict so concerned with his own pain that he couldn't connect properly. I do not blame my addiction though, I blame myself, I knew long before I got with this person that I wasn't well adjusted, that something was seriously wrong and yet I did nothing about it. Sure I made grandiose statements that I would change but they were just virtue signalling; ways to get some kind of validation from others because I truly hate myself. I've hated myself for such a long time now. Anyway I brought all toxic shit into this relationship and eventually, thank God, she gained the strength and courage to end it. And that devastated me because once again I had destroyed a chance to be happy but more So, more so than my own happiness, I had hurt someone else in a way I still struggle with to this day. Now let me say this straight, I'm not a physically violent person at all so there was none of that but emotional pain can be just as bad and far worse at times. And so yeah up until April I quit drinking and smoking! I worked out and meditated and did yoga and all the stuff we think about when we better ourselves. I didn't quite quit porn but my use was very limited. And then I tried to date and the anxiety of meeting someone new and the possibility of intimacy was very strong and I relapsed. You see the problem guys is something I realise but forget far too often; that trying to recover isn't so I can have sexual confidence....I used to think that way, that if I can reach 90 days then I'll be able to sleep with women again and all will be good; but even if I could get my natural libido back tomorrow and have sex all I wanted.....well sure nice yeah....but I know....I fucking know that that would still not fill the gaping hole inside me. For the bones of 15 years I've locked myself away in a room with pornography and weed; to the abandonment of everything else....relationships, career, friends, family and life. That is not the action of a well adjusted person, it is not the action of a balanced persorn, it is not the action of a emotionally healthy person and its certainly not the action of a person who values themselves. The world owes me nothing....the only person who owes me anything is the person I see when I look I'm the mirror. I have this small scrap of belief, so often often lost in the noise of the conflict in my head and heart, that there is a far more balance person buried underneath the broken mess I am. A good man......but I fear that if I don't make an honest to God real change for the better soon, that If I don't take rightful action; well I fear that that person will suffocate and perish and that I'll realise I am exactly who I often think I am and exactly the person I hate. I hope you are all well brother and staying strong! Thanks for reading and offering a space to share.
And so today I find myself in a head space where, once again, I want to get clean! This last relapse was a fucking nightmare; I completely shut down functioning as an adult human being. I wasn't eating right, I was being productive in any way whatsoever....i was basically a fucking robot; eating, working, sleeping and that was it!! I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and it occurred to me as I spoke that I had lost faith and hope. And I don't mean faith that the reboot will work.....this isn't about 90 days anymore, I've chased after that Dragon for 15 years now and never got close to catching it! I'm talking about the faith and hope that there is a solution to my pain, that I can do better and be better because I can't stand being this person I am anymore. It's not about sex anymore; I just can't think that way because theres a bigger problem than the fact I find it ridiculously difficult to be intimate with someone and that is that in my quest to rid myself of pain through excessive porn consumption, weed consumption and whatever else I use.....Ive turned into a wholly selfish addict; my good qualities, whatever they are are overshadowed by my bad; I've lost people from my life because of this addiction, lost time and opportunity but most of all I lost a connection to the good in me, I've lost a connection to the light! But I do have faith and hope that beneath all this shit is a better human being and that faith guides me today on my first day of recovery.
Day 2- Today was an interesting day as it was filled with many different emotions. The day started out well as I woke at 5.30 am to meditate and get ready for work. I had been doing this for the first few months of the year as opposed to getting up just before work and rushing to get there on time leading to stress. And I'm very glad I've started it again as it sets me up for a good day if my morning is relaxed. As the day went on I started to experience some tension and stress; I've also stopped smoking cigarettes and weed too so I'm getting a good dose of the feelings I would usually distract myself from. One might say that quitting so much in one go is too much but I intuitively believe this is the best path forward; that I can't keep using distraction and numbing agents to drown out the voice inside me that cries out in pain, that tells me I can do better for myself and for others. It is a pain that deserves to be heard. Then I got home and tried to do some yoga but I just couldn't get into it and found myself becoming very irritated. So I took a walk to the supermarket and on the way began to laugh at myself and just how fucking grumpy I was. But I didn't use; I endured the feelings and hey.....thats something right!
So here are two behaviours I wish to bring into this recovery:
1. Screen time only when it is absolutely necessary; no mindless browsing. It's just another distraction.
2. Aim for 7-8 hours sleep a night (this may not be entirely possible when I work the evening shift but I'll get as close as).
There's much more I wish to do as I recover but if I have learnt one thing from 15 years of relapse it's this: SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE!
Much love my friends! The universe smiles on us all
So here are two behaviours I wish to bring into this recovery:
1. Screen time only when it is absolutely necessary; no mindless browsing. It's just another distraction.
2. Aim for 7-8 hours sleep a night (this may not be entirely possible when I work the evening shift but I'll get as close as).
There's much more I wish to do as I recover but if I have learnt one thing from 15 years of relapse it's this: SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE!
Much love my friends! The universe smiles on us all
Day 3 and Im still clean and in recovery thank God and all my fellow voyagers! One day at a time. I found myself becoming quite emotional at times this evening; feelings of lonliness, shame, regret and much more. All my life I've used something to distract myself from the pain I carry with me; weed, hard drugs, alcohol, video games, escorts but most of all porn. And its never worked, the pain is always waiting there after each cycle.....in fact its waiting and always worse than before. All of us as humans carry pain to some degree or other; on this site it's obvious that we've dealt with our pain by using porn as the salve to treat the wound. Well after 15 years I can safely say it never worked or if it did then it stopped working a long time ago. And so what is this recovery if not finding a new way to deal with this pain, a new way to manage myself that doesn't detonate the other parts of my life and leave me stewing in self-hatred. Thank you for offering me the space to share. Much love to you all.
Day 4 and still in recovery thank God! Another day clean from porn. One day at a time. I write one day at a time because I feel that this is the best approach for me. You see I know that this recovery doesn't just end after 90 days or when i finally get life in my old Johnson again; no I can never watch porn again. That is the structure that I must build into my life so that I may become a less selfish and self-centred human being. So that I can give back to the world that has given me so much and make amends for the wrongs Ive done. That seems like a fair trade for my soul; to never watch porn again. I've watched a life times worth in 15 years anyway ha ha!!!! But obviously thats a long time frame to think about so even though I know in the back of mind that life long abstinance is the only way, I must take it one day at a time because I don't think it can be disputed that the present moment is all we have. Much love my brothers! Thanks for the space to share.
The Reward Foundation says "Take the glass out of the wound" which is a great analogy; I can continue to want better for myself, maturity, emotional awakening, meaningful career, loving relationship etc but until I remove porn from my life than the wounds wilp not heal and I will not get better. After 15 years I know everything there is to know about my addiction on a subjective level; I know how empty it makes me feel, how cold, how its stunted my maturity and desire to find joy in life...I know everything except one thing....what my life looks like without porn. I am clean 1 day now thank God. 1 day at a time is my goal. Much love.
7 days clean thank God! One day at a time. So the past week Ive managed to stay clean with just Willpower alone; however I'm well aware that this only lasts so long and eventually willpower by itself crumbles. Its time to adopt healthy and meaningful practices into my life. Yesterday I ran 5km and did a small body workout afterwards. Much love everyone!
8 days clean thank God! One day at a time. Had a pretty sleepless night last night but thats ok as feeling good this morning. I had a brilliant yoga session yesterday; I'm doing Kundalini Yoga and will be focusing on my Sacral Chakra for the duration of my reboot. I'm not sure if I believe in the existence of Chakras or that it will make a difference to my recovery but then again its an act of faith; what is recovery after all if not an act of faith that we can be better than we are now and that theres far more to life than chasing our selfish desire. Be well all and be kind to yourself!
guiganvoger
Active Member
Congrats on being over 1 week clean! I found that setting realistic achievable goals for myself, recognizing my triggers, and creating a plan of what to do to combat them makes all the difference. I was prone to relapse before I committed to doing these things for myself. Now I feel I'm to far along to even want to break my streak! Don't fall into that cyclical pattern of relapse and depression! Make a plan and stay intentional with it.