A way back to the light

46and2

Active Member
9 days clean thank God! One day at a time. Another night of broken sleep despite doing a 5km run yesterday followed by a workout. But again I don't mind. One thing I have realised though is how amplified emotions feel when I'm not using. When I'm in the depths of my addiction I feel sad but its more like a numbness; like a dull thought process. Without porn (and weed) that sadness resonates more as a feeling from my heart space; I feel it rather than intellectually process it. I don't claim that I feel sadness more intensely than other people but I acknowledge I have a difficult time processing heavy emotion.....I always have. Its no doubt the reason I fell into such a deep dark hole of porn use. But I understand that even though it feels difficult, a healthy processing of my sadness is necessary and fundamental to moving forward and healing. Much love my friends and I wish you all peace.
 

46and2

Active Member
10 days clean thank God! One day at a time. So in an effort to ensure this recovery is the only one that ever matters I accept it needs diligence, hard work and awareness. It would be foolish of me to therefore discount how much of a trigger the weekend is for me. Besides the free time it offers which can translate to boredom which leads to using, it also is a time where lonliness can be most amplified; where the absence of a loving intimate relationship is missed most. Well then that requires a plan of action so that I remain committed to the new me I'm trying to embody.

This afternoon when I finish work I will do my food shopping and then make a delicious vegan shepards pie followed by a 5k run and a workout. I will then do a guided meditation. Finally I will have some relaxation time by doing a bit of online gaming with a friend of mine so I get to have some interaction. It may be simple and pretty tame but it bests whacking off 5 times and hating myself with each subsequent lame orgasm I half spasm out.

Much love my friends and have a blessed day.
 

46and2

Active Member
Dealing with some urges today. They're quite strong so just surrendering them up to the community. I know where that path leads and I don't wish to go down it again. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.
 

46and2

Active Member
13 days clean thank God! One day at a time. Yesterday evening was a tough one and I came very close to a relapse. Coming on here and surrendering the urges to the community really helped me. Today I'm very glad I didn't follow through on them. Much love all.
 

46and2

Active Member
14 days clean thank God! One day at a time. In an effort to find new ways of Being, I´ll be deepening my meditation practice by joining an online group today which is totally new for me. 45 minutes meditative practice, really looking forward to it! Much love all.
 

46and2

Active Member
16 days clean thank God! One day at a time. Dealing with urges today but to use the analogy of a fellow brother in recovery; sail on the wave of the urge, it'll eventually break! God grant me the strength to continue my journey of self-discovery, peace and eternal love. Be well my friends.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
That third week is a tough one but if you can make it through this week, you can make it through any week. I wish I was 17 days clean haha!

You're doing great, keep up the good work 46and2!
 

46and2

Active Member
Thanks man but I must surrender up that I used! Jesus man I'm so annoyed with myself. Every time I think this could be it but I fall into triggers easily. I cannot smoke weed; its a fucking trigger!
 

46and2

Active Member
You're so right brother and thats what I did. So thats something new, usually once I use I spiral into hell but fuck that that this time. Straight back on the horse. 1 day clean thank God! One day at a time.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Remember, the chaser effect of PMO can often go for up to a week so be very wary of any borderline impulses to peek or use and you should be back on track soon enough.

Close to three weeks clean is great! Keep stacking up those days clean and you'll get there one way or another. Don't let perfectionism get the better of you, anything is a victory as long as you're still trying.
 

46and2

Active Member
I hear you man. The chaser effect was is certainly present but awareness as always is the key. 2 days clean thank God! One day at a time.
 

46and2

Active Member
So I Mo'd yesterday and rather than restting my counter I'm still going to take the victory of being 4 days clean of P. Im not resetting my counter cause I had a harmless wank; its too psychologically upsetting for me to keep resetting for somrthing as harmless as a wank and releasing sexual tension. Porn is the enemy here not masturbation. Once I overcome the chase and dont look at porn full stop; well as far as Im concerned Im winning.

4 days clean of P thank God. One day at a time.
 

46and2

Active Member
Well I was warned by everyone not to give into the chase but I didn't listen and yeah I relapsed again. Surprise surprise! I want to say something positive....to feel it. But I don't. I feel like I'm broken, like my hand is constantly hovering over the self-destruct button just waiting to push it. And it hurts to know that that's in me.
 
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