Nimbus’ journal

Hey I’m back (been here before).
On a new day one, well zero really.
Used porn today, and a lot of days in a row before today. Idk really went off the deep end. But I’m back and ready to try again.
I let it get maybe the worst it’s gotten this last time and really just feel so disgusted.
Anyways ready to do the work and get this under control.
 
Day one
Ok I'm 29. Im also an alcoholic. 2.5 years sober from alcohol but porn has been the replacement in my life for alcohol.
Been trying to quit on and off for over a year now, and really most of my life just formally over the past year+.
I had a streak when i was 22 for a really long time but haven't managed one since.
Im seeing a therapist for the first time and unsure wether i want to bring up the porn stuff. Haven't done all that much recovery from the alcohol, just stopped on my own so thats maybe why the porn got so out of control, didn't learn how to actually live without alcohol yet.
Im married, also really don't want to talk to my wife about this though. Pretty sure she actually has no idea.
But unsure if its ok not to tell her? or i want it to be past tense at least but maybe thats just trying to skip to the end which won't work. been my plan in the past and all ive done is fail so far.
I know the black and white thinking isn't going to help me so im trying not to think in terms of failure but instead "slip ups" if anything does happen. and overall start trending in the right direction.
Anyways here we go! ready to start getting my life back.
 
Day 2 ✅
Just been working a lot the past two days making it pretty easy to stay porn free.
But feeling good and optimistic. No big insights or anything today just checking in. Stay strong 💪
 
Today is day 5
Missed a few days but still going strong.
I really mean to check in everyday, only miss when I have a lot going on.
but all is good right now.
 
Day 6
Having my first significant urge today.
I think aimlessness is a major trigger for me. But thoughts and feelings are like waves, they pass. Riding them out right now. Going through.
Feel kinda crazy/stir crazy but also feel alive for the first time in a while. Or fully awake or something.
anyways my reasons to stay porn free:
My wife, my life (my time and mental health), and my health.
I can get lost thinking by quitting porn I’m becoming sex negative and that I’m just trying to suppress my sexuality and not deal with it. But that’s not true, being porn free makes me better and more present for real sex. And it’s an addiction, not my sexuality that I’m quitting. Porn for me is just numbness, and it was taking more and more of my life away.
alright stopping there.
I’m am not using porn today, final answer
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Nimbus,

welcome back! This is a good place to be. Moving forward is always better than staying still. As for telling your wife, nobody knows but you. I will say this is something which thrives in secrecy, and being honest and open and getting support from someone who loves and cares about you makes a big difference. If she doesn't know and there is nobody to hold you accountable but yourself, it is much easier to slip up and convince yourself it isn't a problem, and things can go downhill from there fast.

I recommend the blocking software Covenant Eyes, it is incredibly helpful. It blocks content but more importantly it monitors your screen and AI can recognize pornographic content. It records the page too, so you can't get away with text or audio either. It has been indispensable in my reboot.

I am a strong proponent that addictions are crutches for us, and that by pursuing a better, happier, more fulfilling life, it will make porn easier to let go. Fill your time with hobbies you enjoy, be social, learn new things. See family. Do constructive things, stay physically active. Eat healthy, sleep consistently. The more you take care of yourself, the better it'll get.

Lastly, if there is some emotional reason you use porn, you need to understand that too. Maybe it is simply a behavior that got out of hand, or maybe it is helping medicate some sort of pain for you. Since you recognize it is possibly replacing your alcoholism, I recommend you really consider this. If you are using porn as a sort of way to medicate bad feelings, you can't just stop, because it'll come back. You'll need to replace it with a healthier way to cope with those emotions.

I hope this helps, and good luck!
 
Today is day 8.
Doing really well actually. And thanks for responding walker! I definitely think there is some underlying things to address and am digging into those. I told my therapist I started talking to about the porn and that has been immensely helpful (and easier than telling my wife).
And yes i see how you can’t really be obsessed with NOT doing something. At least not with long term success. So I’m working on starting to build my new life where porn no longer fits.
anyways im starting to believe I can actually do this and remove porn from my life for good for the first time in a long time. And that I want to and am ready to. Anyways im definitely hyped up and know it’s not always gonna be great and easy like this but I really really want this.
Im being encouraged by my therapist to try AA which I have mixed feelings about.
Also unsure if I should or would be working a 12 step program for porn also. Anyone have any thoughts?
 
Day 11 ✅
So I’m going to try AA. Think it makes alot of sense for me. Not sure I’ll be doing 12 step for pornography necessarily but it will definitely come up at some point (moral inventory).
Seems clear I’m using pornography to maintain sobriety from alcohol, as a substitution. It’s weird though pornography is the older addiction, or obsession at least. Since I was a kid it was always something I wanted to quit and had all kinds of crazy mixed up feelings of guilt and shame and feeling unable to quit.
Anyways since getting sober from alcohol it’s certainly reached to heights of despair. It’s hard sitting with addiction with a perfectly clear mind. Well, guess it’s not perfectly clear but I mean I missed slot of my worst drinking being blacked out.
So yeah. Day 11, still really want this. Real sobriety. “Sobriety+”
Anyways not going to pressure myself to journal here every single day, BUT plan to be 100% accountable here for my actions.
And gonna keep on going.
I guess I was always self soothing with porn, for anxiety I think. And so it was a very natural transition to do so with alcohol. Take that away and it’s right back to the porn.
 
day 0
ok back on the horse. back with the program...
3 days of relapse, awful shit days.
but shorter than some of my past relapses, so here we go. still fighting
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Nimbus, I know what you mean about the addictions supporting one another. I did something similar with weed and porn. If you're looking for a 12 step for porn and sex addiction, there is SAA, sex addicts anonymous, and I think there is another called sex and love addicts anonymous. It wasn't my thing so much, because I don't really believe in faith necessarily, but it works for some people. Hopefully if the meetings are in person soon they'll be more impactful than virtual.

Don't beat yourself up when you relapse. The hardest part of recovering in my opinion is to accept that relapses happen and not be cruel to yourself, because they're a part of the process. For some guys, they're a big part of the process. But also, you can never become complacent and allow a relapse to happen without trying. It's easy to fall off the horse and stay off the horse like that.

If you relapse, something happened, which means you've gotta change something. Whether it is your blocks, your circumstances, your health, whatever it is, change it. If you relapse and just try again without changing anything, it's gonna happen again.

Keep going, don't give up, and you'll achieve your goals in time.
 

smeagle44

Member
Hey Nimbus,

I'd highly recommend SAA (sex addicts anonymous). There's also a group called PAA (porn addicts anonymous), but I personally prefer SAA. I'm also pretty similar to you -- started watching porn when I was 11, and spent 4 or 5 years unable to quit. Now I'm on day 87 of no porn, and I'm pretty sure it's all because of SAA.
 
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