I stopped and looked back, first step to retribution? (I am nudist/naturist)

Hi All

I am 35 and for most of my life I used porn, regular, hentai, comix, different genres. It came to the point I needed more stimulation and I started to browse more extreme sites containing bestiality. However I was picky, I mean I didn't like/watch things that were clear abuse, thank god for some common sense that I had left. I am in the relationship, we are together for 7-8 years, we married last year, and this whole time we had problems with our sex life. I thought it was because we were overworked, couldn't find a good time slots for some quality time, we had some great sex from time to time, but we had our own issues, she is seeing a therapist for her and I have seen one few times for mine. As I recently started to read about porn addiction I started to see patterns. As I wrote in the title, I looked back on my life, alone and while together I saw clearly how wrong I was this whole time, lying to myself "I don't hurt anyone". In fact I didn't hurt anyone when I was a single man, anyone but me. But as I am married now, this has hurt my wife also. To be honest, I did think "when I will have a girlfriend, I am not going to need to masturbate" but as it happened I did not stop and now I know why, I am/was addicted. Everything that I did, everything that happened to me, few depression episodes, randomness of satisfaction from sex, erection fading mid-sex, not to be able to climax, unless I did think about scenes I was very turned on by online, apathy, bad mood, guilt and other unwanted things.
I did try from time to time go without porn/masturbation for several days to build up my libido, but that probably added fuel to the fire, as I needed consistency and it has made things worse in the long run.
So I started porn embargo, cleared all history on my phone, my pc, I am trying to avoid any sources that are remotely erotic and this is 3rd day, and as I have larger plan, to get clean and reset myself, it's only 3rd day out of many. First step in a long journey. I am happy to start it and I know it will not be easy.

Cheers.

PS: I am not native speaker, sorry for my "hard to read" English
 
It's still relatively new to me, I mean the knowledge, terminology, the planning.
I didn't give myself a goal like I see here people do, not a streak to achieve (maybe I did read that wrong). My "plan" is to be free of p.
I talked with my wife and in general I decided to stop doing 2 interconnected habits. Masturbating and following up on something that excited me.

I had 3 patterns.

1st pattern was happening occasionally, I felt like an itch, an excitement, sometimes an erection. This triggered me to open some p on my laptop or phone and then try to sooth that "itch".

2nd was more often, when I was doing some daily stuff, watching memes, some YT movies and seeing some sexy posts, maybe some celeb I liked. I googled her nude pics, maybe some leaked fappening, if that was not exiting enough.

3rd, maybe most common, at least as common as 2nd, a force of habit. Similar to the 1st, but I was triggered by day routine. My wife had to stay late at work/went to visit her friends in the evening, how to "kill some time" if not with masturbation? Same for the mornings, she had to go early run some errands, I alone and happy for a morning rub. The pandemic made it worse, cause I work from home, and "what is great way to spend a break from answering messages and setting virtual meetings? Masturbation."

In all 3 cases, like in some meme I saw, I was looking for "right" p video more time than I actually masturbated. Among many reasons I can point 3 that speaks loud to me:
I want to improve the intimacy between my wife and me.
I want to get consistent and satisfactory sex life.
I want to not waste sometimes several hours a day looking for p.
That is why I want to be free of that damned loop: mast -> p -> mast -> p -> ... -> ...


I don't know if my "way" is going to be successful, so if someone has some advice, I'll be happy to read it.
The "Way" is as follows. No masturbation, no porn. The only pepe touch I allow myself is if it itches (real skin itching), when peeing and cleaning. I asked my wife for more touching, I don't know if that is right thing at the beginning of this road, like massage, not her getting me off, but massage, so my pepe and brain can forget the way I was touching myself. Is that ok? Or maybe I should not do that, until further down the road?
 
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guitar1968

Active Member
Hi All

I am 35 and for most of my life I used porn, regular, hentai, comix, different genres. It came to the point I needed more stimulation and I started to browse more extreme sites containing bestiality. However I was picky, I mean I didn't like/watch things that were clear abuse, thank god for some common sense that I had left. I am in the relationship, we are together for 7-8 years, we married last year, and this whole time we had problems with our sex life. I thought it was because we were overworked, couldn't find a good time slots for some quality time, we had some great sex from time to time, but we had our own issues, she is seeing a therapist for her and I have seen one few times for mine. As I recently started to read about porn addiction I started to see patterns. As I wrote in the title, I looked back on my life, alone and while together I saw clearly how wrong I was this whole time, lying to myself "I don't hurt anyone". In fact I didn't hurt anyone when I was a single man, anyone but me. But as I am married now, this has hurt my wife also. To be honest, I did think "when I will have a girlfriend, I am not going to need to masturbate" but as it happened I did not stop and now I know why, I am/was addicted. Everything that I did, everything that happened to me, few depression episodes, randomness of satisfaction from sex, erection fading mid-sex, not to be able to climax, unless I did think about scenes I was very turned on by online, apathy, bad mood, guilt and other unwanted things.
I did try from time to time go without porn/masturbation for several days to build up my libido, but that probably added fuel to the fire, as I needed consistency and it has made things worse in the long run.
So I started porn embargo, cleared all history on my phone, my pc, I am trying to avoid any sources that are remotely erotic and this is 3rd day, and as I have larger plan, to get clean and reset myself, it's only 3rd day out of many. First step in a long journey. I am happy to start it and I know it will not be easy.

Cheers.

PS: I am not native speaker, sorry for my "hard to read" English
Sounds like you finally understand what you need to do to move forward. That is fantastic. Just keep at it every day. Come here instead of a porn site. Read other peoples journals. Comment and interact. Bear your soul. It does wonders.

Congratulations on starting off on the right foot.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Your story sounds just like mine. We can get there. You are younger than me and I'm sure if you can beat this addiction, you will achieve your goals. They are attainable!

Good luck!
 

46and2

Member
¨In all 3 cases, like in some meme I saw, I was looking for "right" p video more time than I actually masturbated¨

Yeah that totally sounds like my viewing habit. The never ending search for the ultimate video to get off to. Then it all ends in a highly unsatisfactory fashion. Keep up the great reflection and work and we´ll get through this my man.
 

46and2

Member
And sorry to answer your question about your wife giving you a massage and what not? Well I´m not expert but that seems like a fine way to share intimate loving contact with your wife without it having to lead to sex and something that will bring you closer together. So yes I think for a married couple that´s very acceptable.
 

yogi

Active Member
Congratulations on beginning your nofap journey

¨In all 3 cases, like in some meme I saw, I was looking for "right" p video more time than I actually masturbated¨

That's the exact story of so many of us rebooters out here.

Be confident in your ability to overcome this addiction
 
5th day without porn and masturbation is almost over. I am feeling more anxious, I literally don't know that to do with my hands, I feel them shaking. At this point I don't know if the anxiety is strictly connected to masturbation or lack of porn that would have lead to the masturbation. I have had periods without masturbation, but I believe 3 full days was the longest I lasted before I had to rub one out.

I has seen a therapist yesterday (I had a meeting booked 2 weeks prior, due to the issues I described in the opening of this journal) and we talked, she asked questions, and we have another appointment set in 2 weeks. She is going to help me solve some issues that I guess should help me go through this journey. In addition to this journey I was asked to start and keep updating similar journal, but I should focus there on things like how I feel, what is my mood, what thoughts do I have, so we can discuss it in our next session.
On the good side of things she praised me that I was able to identify some of my problems and was able to address the cause. As everyone know here it's probably the most important, yet the hardest thing to do, to admit I have problem, and to admit what it is.

I remember years ago, when I was young I've heard that masturbation is not bad thing and boys do it often. But I nor people who told me this didn't even know that porn will become so easily accessible to become an issue and cause so deep problems to it's viewers.
The "factor" that also made it so devastating is that you don't have to go outside to buy it. When I was a teenager I remember all hassle you had to go through to acquire it. My parents are not well off, so my pocket money were very limited, even as a teen. Softcore magazine were cheaper, hardcore were 3-5 times the softcore price (except playboy - this shit due to premium shots and better paper, and the brand of course, was more expensive than majority of hardcore ones) and to see one I had to get the money (not to buy snacks, not to go to the movies, even so I didn't go often, or simply cheat my parents on a change from the groceries I went to buy, I didn't steal from theirs purse/wallet as my mom is control freak if it's about finances, so she would have noticed, not to mention the shame) and even if I gathered enough all this anxiety and feeling everyone else know what you are going to buy, or what you have bought and is now hidden in your backpack, feeling like everyone is watching and judging you. And to add to the fire, I lived in small town (24k citizens) and my mom worked in schooling system for 20+ years, to my recollection "everyone" knew her so it would have not be unlikely someone who saw me may have reported me to her. I was so paranoid when it came to the acquisition back then, imagine the top shelf conspiracy theorist times 10. And yet I had almost no problems with buying an alcohol when I was 16 (18y legal drinking age here) to give you a comparison.

And then the first broadband internet came to town. I "needed it" to study (partially true, as I work in IT and I started to be interested in IT, ever since I first touched the keyboard in primary school lab, it had Windows 3.11) so first nude models, some time later hardcore pictures were downloaded. First HC movie was downloaded by accident. I was downloading a movie using some P2P, from Kazaa ro BearShare, I don't remember, and when I played it after 2 days download it turned to be a "good American f-ing". And over the years more and more sites, sharing services went live and I am where I am today. And all this without an anxiety, without planning the trip to news stand/adult store, behind closed curtains, "safe" from my room. I wish it didn't become so easy to get porn, maybe the anxiety would have killed the interest in me early enough.

That was my today's rant, hands are not shaking as much, so I should be able to hold.

Edit: I corrected some spelling typos.

tat
 
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Day 7

Yesterday I was sitting alone in my room. My wife was at the stables, I didn't feel so lonely. I did some cleaning, few house chores and get on my stationary bicycle. I am trying on and off to get my fitness back (I have sitting job) and as usually it is "hard" to ride for more than few minutes after few days without exercising, yesterday was different. I usually distract myself with a movie or music to not "track" the time I train, cause following the internet quotes about time relativity application in exercises "60 seconds doing a plank is a longest minute I have ever experienced". I've put "Oscar" with Stallone on my PC screen and I started the ride. I enjoyed it and before I noticed 1h was up. I was sweaty an happy.

After shower I wrote down some notes in my personal journal I started for my Therapy sessions, I spent 30 min searching my drives for folders that contained any downloaded porn (movies/games/pictures) even our personal we recorded with my wife and to all of that CTRL + DEL.

I watched GABE's videos and YT proposed a video from "Universal Man" channel about why "hard mode" is the best method. After watching I reflected on 5th day, the trembling I felt and I think it was nothing less but chaser effect after a little oral action from my wife. I decided then and there that it is going to be less stressful for me if I can avoid it, I decided to switch to "hard mode" and here I am.

Weird thing happened today, I was watching Gabe's speech from "Porn is a Public Health Issue" and when he did get to shed some tears I did too. I later watched another video featuring him, 3D's peace "Porn On The Brain" and saw that one kid from NZ after that class ended, how he talked it was clear he did realized same thing we did, I did get "glassy eyes" (not sure if it is the right phrase) thinking "good for you man, get better". I wished someone had warned me then I was younger.

That's it for now. Until next time!
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Yeah, Universal Man has a really good series, and Gabe is super solid. Keep watching a few episodes everyday and build your knowledge fortress.

It's probably a good idea to share as much with your wife as possible. You two are on the same time. If you think you need hardmode, she should understand the reasoning behind it so that she can be supportive: she wants the same as you and can get there together with you. Wish you the best!
 
Hi All

This morning (yes, morning, I am CEE located) while I was sipping my coffee I started to think. I am an active nudist/naturist (I updated the thread title to reflect that as this may be relevant to my recovery) and I started to wonder if there are any nudists here? How has you recovery been going?
I started the nudist lifestyle few years back, I did it, cause inside I am also a bit of exhibitionist (moderate, I don't go around the block and flash ladies, but I have seen scenario flasher voyeur exciting and it was one of my tastes when I watched porn). So firstly I tried it out of curiosity, I thought It is going to be very exciting, to the point I am going to walk with a uncontrolled erection every time I go to nudist beach, sauna, resort. But the reality was different I have met a lot of cool nude people, none of them (male part) were having erections and to my surprise I did not either. It was very "natural" and freeing, non-sexual and I would like to go back to that once pandemic is over. I am just wondering, is there a conflict with recovery for someone like me? A nudist with exhibitionist/voyeur tastes? I see link between watching people in porn and being a voyeur, and I don't know, I am not sure, even though with my exhib/voy tendency I don't like to impose on anyone or abuse their privacy, I like watch/to be watched only in scenario when both parties are ok with it.

If someone has similar experience, I am happy to read your tips, if noone can relate, than treat it as my rehab rant.

Cheers, 8th day and going
 
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Hi

10th day
I have mixed feelings. About how it affects me.
Does it make it me numb? I mean I am trying to resist, to keep myself unresponsive to the internet stimulation.
I do work in IT and I am opening different sites, some with ads, here and there a link from someone, funny picture, on 9gag a similar, I scroll down to see what else funny is there and there come the temptations. I googled an anime title to see what it is about, I started to watch 1st episode and after 4-5 min it turned out to be a pervy hentai (proper sex hentai with pixels). my dick responded by inflating but before he had a chance to get to comfy I turned it off and "calmed" myself. It is impossible to not stumble on something sexy/porny in doing what I do, is this a correct way to counter those things? Like telling myself "no", and wait out any sign of arousal? Won't it cause a numbness? I mean won't it cause some defect in perceiving sexy things? I am worrying if it's not going to be hard to be aroused later, will my brain react properly to sexy time? I didn't see that exact dilemma in any of the videos/articles yet. I like to see what is going on between my wife and me, I like to watch her in addition to feel her. I don't know if I am "visual" because of the porn or because it's in my nature.

I am puzzled and worrying a bit.
 
Another thought.

Since I have found this forum, all the YT channels and I learn more and more, one thing concerns me. Why there is no similar site in my native language (Polish), and maybe I did not find it yet, maybe I enter wrong keywords in Google, maybe no one else has came up with this idea to create one.

I am at the time of my life that I don’t have much time to spend, but If there is no similar forum by that time I may just start one, to give a similar tool to those that don’t speak English as their second language. We’ll see, it would be a good mid/post-recovery project for me.
 

BridgeTri

Member
Nudism: I don't think this is a problem. The problem could be if nude people trigger you sexually and you then get urges and cave in to P. In it self nudism isn't sexual, it's nudism. Just don't use it as in real life voyeur P.

Day 10 is a very normal day to start questioning. Your brain "needs" the dopamine releases that P gives you, don't cave in!!!
What your "real sexuality is", you won't know. It won't change dramatically from one day to another. Just don't worry about it, cause unwiring your brain from P will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself, your wife and your sex life.
 
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