I need to up my game.

E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

Yesterday I binge drank like there was no tomorrow and I PMOed about 3 times (if I remember correctly). Woke up today and couldn't get out of bed, I barely dragged myself out of it painfully around 2 PM. I feel fuckin sick and I have to go to night shift. Fuckin great time to choose to get absolutely drunk. I'm trying to quit everything but it's too fuckin hard. What happens is that after I fuck myself up, I tell myself to remember how I feel so I could use that as a reminder when I get craving and urges but when they come, I don't care about the misery anymore, everything becomes a distant memory and I choose the fuckin instant gratification and self-medication. I wake up the next day back to misery.
 
Last edited:
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
With 2 hours to go before leaving for work, I could barely stand, I felt dizzy. And then I had a massive panic attack that lasted like an hour. I didn't think I could travel to work in that condition but somehow I managed to feel a bit functional again. I'm killing myself like this. When you start having panic attacks, you should know you're damaging yourself. I'm doing this to myself, nobody asks me to PMO, nobody asks me to drink, nobody ties me to the bed and pushes alcohol down my throat. I do it to myself willingly. I willingly make myself sick with all this shit. My brain can't take anymore all the abuse from PMO binges and alcohol binges. The panic attacks are a sign that this is the case.
 
J

JerryTX

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
With 2 hours to go before leaving for work, I could barely stand, I felt dizzy. And then I had a massive panic attack that lasted like an hour. I didn't think I could travel to work in that condition but somehow I managed to feel a bit functional again. I'm killing myself like this. When you start having panic attacks, you should know you're damaging yourself. I'm doing this to myself, nobody asks me to PMO, nobody asks me to drink, nobody ties me to the bed and pushes alcohol down my throat. I do it to myself willingly. I willingly make myself sick with all this shit. My brain can't take anymore all the abuse from PMO binges and alcohol binges. The panic attacks are a sign that this is the case.
Click to expand...
After reading these posts I do believe you know what you want to do. I do feel that alcohol does help us feed this beast and makes us more susceptible to PMO and I as well battle both demons. While I know it's easy for us to give advice I also know that reading it can be even more stressful and depressing. You have to take your initial battle down to tiny steps and win each one. Then the steps get bigger and you will get stronger. Feel free to check out my journal from the beginning as I battle PMO and some form of alcoholism.

Father GOD,
I pray for @Escapeandnevercomeback Let him know your grace and provide him with your peace. Show him a way out of addictions and provide him a pathway to continue to seek out help from others. I pray you watch over him, lead him, and protect him. In JESUS name,
Amen
 
Last edited:
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

On August 20 I got drunk as fuck and I had an argument with my dad about it. I told him I was going to quit, for maybe the hundredth time in 7 years. I have 3 days without porn and alcohol as of today. I feel lethargic and depressed. I'm not in the mood for anything. You know, I wish my parents did more than just waiting for me to quit alcohol, sometimes I feel like I'm doing this on my own but I guess nobody is perfect, I probably shouldn't have expectations from them and rather have expectations from me. Waking up one day knowing I can't "medicate" myself anymore is scarier than any horror movie, not to forget to say that it's more depressing than Requiem for a dream.

I don't usually like to talk about this:

I've been struggling with the idea whether to look for help from doctors or not. I wanted to do it on my own and I even thought I could... until I wasn't so sure anymore. It all fell apart. All this shit is a result of everything that has happened and I felt deep inside I really needed to do something about it, something more. Look, I believed that if I quit my addictions, everything would be great. I put all the blame for how I felt on my addictions, failing (or maybe better said keeping myself in denial?) about the fact that the addictions are the symptom not the cause. The reason why I've been avoiding things like therapy was because I have this thing, I can't talk about all this in front of people because it makes me feel weak. I always thought "Going in front of a guy to say all this will make me look weak, and doing it in front of a woman will be even more difficult, a woman seeing me weak". That's how my thoughts would go. I don't know, they are doctors and everything but before this, they to me are still people watching me, you feel me? This is something I only said it now. I can say it being anonymous, in text, like this, but I would probably not do it if I had to use my voice, even if people didn't see me. Then I started telling myself: "Everything will be great, I just need to quit my addictions and then I could work on my life" but then I realized I couldn't really do shit about my addictions. This is the most open I've been so far around here. I've made some progress with my issues from childhood but it's not enough. I got stuck and now I feel like I'm even going back to that depression from 10 years ago... because of my age. I'm almost 31. If I was 21, I wouldn't feel like this.

I honestly, I don't know where all this is going to go. For now, I feel like shit and tomorrow I wake up early, which I'm not excited about. I'm depressed and all I want is to be left alone, meanwhile I have to not be depressed and take care of work... Anyway, I don't know, I might or might not delete this.
 
Last edited:
A

AJM

Active Member
Brother , I very much appreciate you being vulnerable and opening up your Insecurities.
There are times we need help, it is best to leave on doctors and therapists to decide rather than us.
Let me tell you I was on antidepressants for 2 years & required multiple counselling sessions with my therapist.
Had I not been open to it I would be in misery and deep depression.
Hope this helps you, and you are never alone in this.
Much love.
 
DavS

DavS

Active Member
If you look for a therapist, I would recommend a psychologist who specializes in addiction, and understands porn addiction. Alcoholism is a more dangerous addiction. Don’t even try to go cold turkey if you’re heavily addicted to alcohol. It’s about the only withdrawal that can actually kill you. You could try AA, it’s one of the best programs and has probably helped millions. Reach out, help is available.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Escape, one of the strongest things you can do is seek help (counseling, not necessarily AA). Being weak is to always appear strong, that's fake. Being vulnerable seems weak, but is actually strong. Do you want appearance (fake) or do you want substance (real)?

No one can fault you for seeking help, and besides, they're professional- it's their job to help people, not judge them. And, if someone didn't feel right, you can change them until you find someone who respects you and also can help you.

If they tell you 'tough truth', that might not be a bad thing. But you can tell if people are sincere or not.

Best of luck...!
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
In terms of therapists. I'd try a few different ones. I'd say the best ones would be the ones who have walked the walk themselves. You can also try finding an online therapist and do Zoom.

I am seeing someone 1x per week over Zoom. It is helping quite a lot. But this is the 3rd person and this one is awesome. Tried sessions with 2 other persons but we weren't good fit. The 2nd person I found very unprofessional and with the 1st person it was very one sided.

The 1st person I chose on the grounds of mental criteria. Well respected, good credentials, etc. Turned out a total disaster for me. The 3rd person I am currently seeing I picked due to resonance. I just felt drawn. Intuition ftw. While my mental mind was screaming stay away from this person. The exact opposite of the first. Where I didn't felt the resonance but mentally they were the "best".

A bit long winded but I suggest you try a few different ones and use your intuition over what your mental mind tells you who to pick.

I'd also suggest self study psychology. I like Viktor Frankl there are plenty more and different.

Much love
EW
 
jonazo91

jonazo91

Active Member
It's honestly inspiring to me how hard you are trying to work on yourself, no matter how many setbacks. You probably don't feel this way, but it means you're very strong underneath it. Just to keep fighting for yourself like this.

As others have said, I think seeking professional help is a great idea, especially for alcoholism, which I imagine is WAY harder to fight on your own. Of course, it is embarrassing to talk about this stuff to a therapist, but it's also what they're there for and they're trained to be helpful and nonjudgmental. Many places (most?) you can request a specific gender for your therapist as well. No shame in that. I've had a therapist for a brief while and she was a female and I think that stopped me from bringing up my porn addiction, which I regret because I could've been getting help for it this whole time. So if it's easier to talk to a man about, I'd say ask for a male therapist.

Best of luck to you, we're all rooting for you here. You're worth it.
 
P

persistence_is_king

Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I know I should fuckin stay sober, not only for me but for the sake of having a chance to stay porn free but I can't fuckin do it. I don't even know what the fuck is going to happen, I'm lost and have no motivation to do this. I don't even know if I have the tools anymore to stay even 10 days without drinking and jerking me dick off. That's all I want to do. I want to numb myself with PMO and alcohol. That's all the fuck I want to do, it's pathetic.
Click to expand...
Hey Escapeandnevercomeback, I know your misery. I've previously had issues with alcohol and it's not a hopeless situation. It's tough breaking a bundle of sticks all at one time. You may try focusing on breaking one habit at a time. This is what I did. I am nearly 5 years sober and nicotine free (if I can do it, you can too).

Alcohol seems to be a precursor for your porn use. It definitely defeated my self restraint in many areas of my life. I might suggest accountability groups. Maybe a church recover group, AA, or Celebrate recovery. I would also suggest getting connected to new friends who are seeking recovery, as well as avoiding those who enable the habits you're trying to break (this was a game changer for me). Some recovery groups are safe places to discuss your porn addiction as well (celebrate recovery).

You aren't alone in this. I promise, if you keep seeking recovery you will have success. Stay the course and keep pressing in, even if you relapse.

Good luck my friend.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 4

Thank you all for support and advice.

I understand what Chester Bennington (Rest in peace) meant in that interview when he pointed to his head and said, "There is another Chester in there that's like...wants to take me down." I felt that right away because there is another me in my head that wants me probably dead, I don't know. I sleep like shit. Last night I slept for 1 hour only.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Today, after several days of deep depression, I felt better. I could think more clearly. I didn't think I would get out of this depression, even if it's just today. A part of me feels I might go back to that dark period from years ago. High social anxiety is a big issue. And the urges which look like they're starting.

I read a little bit from Easy Peasy method and I liked the discussion about the "brainwashing" that it's a big part of the book. I see how it goes. Porn comes with those reasons why I should watch it. "You won't be able to deal with this depression or anxiety or low feeling without me" ; "You are all alone and I'm your sex life" etc. Maybe all those could be translated to "self-medication and comfort". Porn is my comfort world. And it has brainwashed me into thinking I would lose something very important if I escaped porn. The book tries to make us realize we are not giving up anything important. I like a line that goes something like (I don't know the exact words): When you wish you could watch porn but you can't, this creates craving for it. I don't know exactly how the line was but I reacted to it right away. I understood the idea of that very important thing that I wish I had but I can't. This is when big craving accompanied by urges comes. It's like that forceful denying of something great. And the fact is that porn is nothing great or important for our lives. We are not missing anything. The book is good in discussing the brainwashing, the ideas that entered our subconscious regarding porn and that some of us might not even see. There was a time when I definitely didn't see it. I'm trying to find what works for me, man. Rambo style didn't work. Or maybe Rambo style (running through urges) is what might save me. I don't know.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
When you wish you could watch porn but you can't, this creates craving for it. I don't know exactly how the line was but I reacted to it right away. I understood the idea of that very important thing that I wish I had but I can't. This is when big craving accompanied by urges comes. It's like that forceful denying of something great. And the fact is that porn is nothing great or important for our lives. We are not missing anything.
Click to expand...

Glad you're feeling better, brother! This right here, that you mention from the "Easy Peasy Method" sounds like the difference between 'white-knuckling (Rambo)' and a more mindful approach.

That's the bottom line, this crap has nothing to offer you but empty and false fantasy! What you truly want, and what you deserve, is reality, the real-thing. And giving up the cotton-candy (which gives you cavities) will free you up to receive the true feast.

Keep searching (like I did), eventually you'll find that method that resonates with you the most, and you can run with it successfully. Or, try different things. I think for me, it was a number of approaches tried and practiced at the same time, that helped me... is helping me.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Glad you're feeling better, brother! This right here, that you mention from the "Easy Peasy Method" sounds like the difference between 'white-knuckling (Rambo)' and a more mindful approach.

That's the bottom line, this crap has nothing to offer you but empty and false fantasy! What you truly want, and what you deserve, is reality, the real-thing. And giving up the cotton-candy (which gives you cavities) will free you up to receive the true feast.

Keep searching (like I did), eventually you'll find that method that resonates with you the most, and you can run with it successfully. Or, try different things. I think for me, it was a number of approaches tried and practiced at the same time, that helped me... is helping me.
Click to expand...
Fighting the urges is very difficult, it drains you and makes you exhausted. What happens is that when you fight urges, you actually fight the craving for porn, you fight the "I wish I could watch but I can't". You desire it so much but you restrain yourself. And this is hard in the long run if you are like me who has urges even on day 50! After fighting massive urges and craving for porn for at least three quarters of those days, I was beaten bad. On day 51 I felt like, "Fuck, I can't do this anymore, bro, I won't survive today." That's what I like about the book. It addresses what they call "brainwashing", why porn is not something we need and why we feel we need it and want it. I think everybody should read the book because it is something good to add to the rebooting process. I've done this before, but I didn't take it seriously: Looking deeper past the urges and see what they want. And it's most of the time the "self-medication and comfort". Pretty much anytime when urges start, I can see that I experience discomfort, I am not okay about something, I remember about my loneliness etc. Porn wants to come and offer the comfort for my discomfort. But porn is nothing, it doesn't bring anything, it doesn't heal anything, it doesn't bring comfort etc. Replacing the "brainwashing" with the reality in our brain might do the trick. Replacing the "this is why I need porn" to "porn is absolutely nothing for my life" should definitely help. It pulled me from some tough moments for a couple of days already.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 6

Six days without porn and alcohol. With both is the same thing: They have brainwashed me into thinking that they are something important in my life.

"You will not be able to experience pleasure without me";
"You will not be able to deal with discomfort without me";

That sort of thing. But it's all bullshit. My low ability to sit with my discomfort kept me in chains. That's why those 2 things "have become" vital for my life, hence the feeling of deprivation and losing something big. The reality is that we don't give up anything by quitting porn, we are just escaping from the prison.

The sooner is understood that porn is nothing in our lives and we won't lose anything, the better for all of us here. It takes away its "power" over us because we don't put it on a pedestal anymore.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top