Phineas 808
Respected Member
Well done, brother!
I need to up my game.
- Thread starter Escapeandnevercomeback
- Start date
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 7
1 week without porn and alcohol but... There is a "but". The brainwashing of porn is a very strong thing. It finds reasons to convince you why you must watch it. I haven't figured out yet the best method to escape its grip. You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost. Maybe this also comes from self-medication but if this is the case, it must be buried deep where I don't see it and I only see the craving for the "pleasure". Or maybe this is what it really is sometimes: I crave the pleasure, and that's it. I don't know what to say, man, it's confusing.
Okay, having said that, what actually happened? I was at work, afternoon shift and I struggled to convince myself why I should not watch porn. I had massive urges and porn asked me again to watch porn right there at work because I work alone. Man, I'm so sick and tired of this thing. I have experience with PMO at work and it makes me sick just to think about it. If it wasn't for this community, that's something I wouldn't tell anyone. All alone in there, you can watch some porn, edge a little bit and then go to the bathroom, right? I can't believe all this. Hopefully, tomorrow I go back to my usual location and there is a co-worker in there. That keeps me away from porn. The "you are alone now" is the cue, like a dog, "here is the cue now you know what you have to do."
Anyway, I managed to survive. I didn't watch porn, didn't do anything and then guess what? The guy who replaces me asked me: "What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?" Unbelievable. Can you believe this? I can't escape this whatever I'm trying to do.
I'm not even done with the craving for dopamine pleasure. If I make it until I go to sleep, I will have a chance. If not...But there is always the danger of tomorrow morning (long history of edging rubbing myself against the bed first thing in the morning).
1 week without porn and alcohol but... There is a "but". The brainwashing of porn is a very strong thing. It finds reasons to convince you why you must watch it. I haven't figured out yet the best method to escape its grip. You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost. Maybe this also comes from self-medication but if this is the case, it must be buried deep where I don't see it and I only see the craving for the "pleasure". Or maybe this is what it really is sometimes: I crave the pleasure, and that's it. I don't know what to say, man, it's confusing.
Okay, having said that, what actually happened? I was at work, afternoon shift and I struggled to convince myself why I should not watch porn. I had massive urges and porn asked me again to watch porn right there at work because I work alone. Man, I'm so sick and tired of this thing. I have experience with PMO at work and it makes me sick just to think about it. If it wasn't for this community, that's something I wouldn't tell anyone. All alone in there, you can watch some porn, edge a little bit and then go to the bathroom, right? I can't believe all this. Hopefully, tomorrow I go back to my usual location and there is a co-worker in there. That keeps me away from porn. The "you are alone now" is the cue, like a dog, "here is the cue now you know what you have to do."
Anyway, I managed to survive. I didn't watch porn, didn't do anything and then guess what? The guy who replaces me asked me: "What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?" Unbelievable. Can you believe this? I can't escape this whatever I'm trying to do.
I'm not even done with the craving for dopamine pleasure. If I make it until I go to sleep, I will have a chance. If not...But there is always the danger of tomorrow morning (long history of edging rubbing myself against the bed first thing in the morning).
jonazo91
Active Member
Good on you for holding off. Don't mind that guy. "You jerkin' off in there?" is one of those classic jokes you're gonna hear for the rest of your life no matter what, because most people just accept it as part of daily life. If anything, the joke is that "we all do it all the time." At least that's how I take it.
Sometimes I wonder how many porn addicts are out there who never give their addiction any critical thought and just let it run rampant, due to that brainwashing that "it's totally fine and normal." Anyway, I think those moments where you're able to push through those moments where your porn brain is saying "it's fine, it's just a little bit of pleasure" are the most important. I don't know why it's so hard to push through that, it always seems like such an obvious lie afterward. So good on you for resisting it.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Off course I know about the stupid "You jerkin off in there?" thing, that wasn't what exasperated me, what exasperated me was that it came right after I had been struggling for a few hours not to start jerking off to porn at work.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 0
And I fuckin relapsed. I didn't make it. I went to sleep at 2 AM but everything was looking alright... Until I woke up at 4:30 and started edging to porn fantasies on autopilot without even being aware of it (same fuckin shit that I've been struggling with for too long). I stopped after a few minutes and everything should've been okay but... I can't stop and remain there. Never. I edged to some porn before going again back to sleep. I woke up around afternoon and I continued my edging to porn for about 2 hours. One small rock always overturns my cart. The anxiety had been lower for a couple of days but after this relapse, it came back in full force. I have to go to night shift but I literally have no drive to get out of the house. Once you ejaculate, everything drops. It's that feeling of going from 100 to 0 in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I could beat this in this lifetime. I am exhausted mentally from having to live with this addiction. The only good thing is that I have 8 days without drinking. At least I might quit drinking if I can't quit porn. It would be one less thing to worry about. Honestly, right now I don't feel like I have the slightest chance to quit porn.
And I fuckin relapsed. I didn't make it. I went to sleep at 2 AM but everything was looking alright... Until I woke up at 4:30 and started edging to porn fantasies on autopilot without even being aware of it (same fuckin shit that I've been struggling with for too long). I stopped after a few minutes and everything should've been okay but... I can't stop and remain there. Never. I edged to some porn before going again back to sleep. I woke up around afternoon and I continued my edging to porn for about 2 hours. One small rock always overturns my cart. The anxiety had been lower for a couple of days but after this relapse, it came back in full force. I have to go to night shift but I literally have no drive to get out of the house. Once you ejaculate, everything drops. It's that feeling of going from 100 to 0 in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I could beat this in this lifetime. I am exhausted mentally from having to live with this addiction. The only good thing is that I have 8 days without drinking. At least I might quit drinking if I can't quit porn. It would be one less thing to worry about. Honestly, right now I don't feel like I have the slightest chance to quit porn.
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Phineas 808
Respected Member
Escape, congrats on making it a full week, 7 days! Make this your new goal to beat, and keep going! Congrats on 8 days free of drinking, too!
it may seem easier to quit drinking than porn, simply because our sex-drive is so much a part of us... but why limit ourselves? Anything is possible. I believe you can do both..., just keep two separate counters, if it helps.
I wanted to comment on your previous post, if I may...
I know that the urges often 'hijack' our thought processes, or we reason for or against the urges, but in themselves, they are only signals from our lower animal-brain. What makes them seem so urgent is it comes from a survivalist and instinctual part of the brain...
But see any thought or reason for using PMO as mindless urges from the lower brain, and don't represent the 'real you'. This makes it easier to ignore them, and see them for what they are... Most times, there's no special reason for the urges, just that they want their hit... Sometimes there's a deeper emotional component, but this seems less often. Regardless of how strong the urges are, you can gaurantee that- if not acted on (for or against), they will subside. Just wait them out, deep breathe and observe.
I know what you mean. In my early 20's, when I was trying to quit a masturbation habit, every time I would lapse, the next day, someone would have some snide remark at work about it... it was weird, uncanny! It's a sign that our lives have deep meaning, and, though we may not understand everything yet, it's somehow very important to quit these habits, like something about us, but beyond us. Truth be told, there are (dark) forces out there that want us to continue destroying our lives- yes, to kill us, but to also rob the gift that our lives will be for others.
Be strong, brother. Don't let this speed bump slow you down...!
it may seem easier to quit drinking than porn, simply because our sex-drive is so much a part of us... but why limit ourselves? Anything is possible. I believe you can do both..., just keep two separate counters, if it helps.
I wanted to comment on your previous post, if I may...
I know that the urges often 'hijack' our thought processes, or we reason for or against the urges, but in themselves, they are only signals from our lower animal-brain. What makes them seem so urgent is it comes from a survivalist and instinctual part of the brain...
But see any thought or reason for using PMO as mindless urges from the lower brain, and don't represent the 'real you'. This makes it easier to ignore them, and see them for what they are... Most times, there's no special reason for the urges, just that they want their hit... Sometimes there's a deeper emotional component, but this seems less often. Regardless of how strong the urges are, you can gaurantee that- if not acted on (for or against), they will subside. Just wait them out, deep breathe and observe.
I know what you mean. In my early 20's, when I was trying to quit a masturbation habit, every time I would lapse, the next day, someone would have some snide remark at work about it... it was weird, uncanny! It's a sign that our lives have deep meaning, and, though we may not understand everything yet, it's somehow very important to quit these habits, like something about us, but beyond us. Truth be told, there are (dark) forces out there that want us to continue destroying our lives- yes, to kill us, but to also rob the gift that our lives will be for others.
Be strong, brother. Don't let this speed bump slow you down...!
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
The only good thing yesterday was that I didn't binge. If I can't stay relapse-free, at least I should have only 1 PMO session because the impact is smaller. When I binge, I drain myself up and I feel broken for days. Of course, I don't want to relapse anymore but I don't know what's wrong. I'm missing something and I can't see it despise planning and doing a lot of reading about the brainwashing...
Phineas 808
Respected Member
Keep up the research, reading more than just one source. I know it's a lot of work, but you're worth it! Something will 'click', and you'll snap about what will work best for you. never, ever quit trying!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day -1
I ain't even at "day 0" no more, I'm below that. All I do is jerk off to porn. I can't stay porn free.
I ain't even at "day 0" no more, I'm below that. All I do is jerk off to porn. I can't stay porn free.
EarthWalker
Well-Known Member
Bro, I suggest you get out of the house.
First thing when you wake up get out of the house go for a long walk. I suggest somewhere with water like a lake, river or beach.
I have a trail nearby but I drive 15 minutes with car just so I can be around a small lake or drive 20 min and be around a small river.
This PA isn't meant to be fun. But everything can serve us in a positive way if we figure it out.
Much love and good luck
EW
First thing when you wake up get out of the house go for a long walk. I suggest somewhere with water like a lake, river or beach.
I have a trail nearby but I drive 15 minutes with car just so I can be around a small lake or drive 20 min and be around a small river.
This PA isn't meant to be fun. But everything can serve us in a positive way if we figure it out.
Much love and good luck
EW
Wolfman
Active Member
It's not about what you can or can't do, but what you must. And you must stay porn free becaues that is your will. You wouldn't be on this forum, on this journal, if it wasn't your will--your active, conscious action--to be here.
It's a setback, but the fundamental goal doesn't change. You decided to be porn free and this is what is going to happen. Maybe not this week, maybe not next month, but it will. This won't change until you decide that porn has no adverse effects, is okay, but for as long as you see it as a negative thing--a negative thing you want to cut out of your life--the decision to be porn free is made from a place deep within you. The rest is, in a manner of speaking, translation.
Take it as a setback; the fundamental goal hasn't changed; love yourself, be compassionate, and figure out who you are by pursuing higher goals (maybe start some new projects, hobbies, activities?). What things in life has porn robbed you? Can you figure out ways of getting them back? The less you can devote of your brainpower to porn, the better. Unless, of course, you educate yourself about the damaging effects through Gary Wilson's work, or similiar stuff.
You got this Escape! Strength and courage
Squidward81
Member
I hear you. You've got this.
jonazo91
Active Member
You're still here, you haven't given up.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 1
There is a limit of how much I can tolerate with this porn addiction. 30 years old (31 in 3 months) is not an age where all I should do is jerk off to porn and have no motivation for absolutely anything. I think 12 years of intense porn addiction and mediocrity are enough for me. I'll fuckin quit! Yesterday was absolutely the last time when I jerked off to porn. And I wasn't the type who used to make bold statements like that, I don't think I've ever said it like that since I've been around Reboot Nation. If I did, I don't remember but anyway, it's not something I usually say, I am not usually this determined but now I can't take it anymore. If I've said it, I've never said it with this level of determination. I never meant it 100%. Today I read a post on another website. Someone talked about how his life changed after quitting porn and I got this strong motivation in me right there. I cannot continue to be dragged down by porn. I can't carry anymore this 700 pounds gorilla named "Porn" on my back. I will rather die than relapse again, this is life and death situation because... I'm already fuckin "dead", I live nothing, I have no motivation for absolutely anything other than "forearm workout" watching pixels. Fuck all this shit! I have 11 days without alcohol which will turn into months, as my porn sobriety will turn into months too. I'll quit all the crutches, all the shit I do for "comfort". I'm writing this here because after writing this I can't back down, I've done it too many times but I'm done. Look at my latest pages, man! It's a fuckin sad, depressing show! "Binge!" "I can't stay porn free!" "All I do is jerk off" "Day -1" I mean fuck all this! I'm done, man.
There is a limit of how much I can tolerate with this porn addiction. 30 years old (31 in 3 months) is not an age where all I should do is jerk off to porn and have no motivation for absolutely anything. I think 12 years of intense porn addiction and mediocrity are enough for me. I'll fuckin quit! Yesterday was absolutely the last time when I jerked off to porn. And I wasn't the type who used to make bold statements like that, I don't think I've ever said it like that since I've been around Reboot Nation. If I did, I don't remember but anyway, it's not something I usually say, I am not usually this determined but now I can't take it anymore. If I've said it, I've never said it with this level of determination. I never meant it 100%. Today I read a post on another website. Someone talked about how his life changed after quitting porn and I got this strong motivation in me right there. I cannot continue to be dragged down by porn. I can't carry anymore this 700 pounds gorilla named "Porn" on my back. I will rather die than relapse again, this is life and death situation because... I'm already fuckin "dead", I live nothing, I have no motivation for absolutely anything other than "forearm workout" watching pixels. Fuck all this shit! I have 11 days without alcohol which will turn into months, as my porn sobriety will turn into months too. I'll quit all the crutches, all the shit I do for "comfort". I'm writing this here because after writing this I can't back down, I've done it too many times but I'm done. Look at my latest pages, man! It's a fuckin sad, depressing show! "Binge!" "I can't stay porn free!" "All I do is jerk off" "Day -1" I mean fuck all this! I'm done, man.
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 2
12 days without alcohol and 2 days without porn. They don't fill the void. I rather sit around depressed than fool myself that I fill the void with those two fuckin things. I need to pick up activities. Get mad and don't touch porn ever again. Read people's transformations after quitting porn and if this is what you want, then let's do it.
12 days without alcohol and 2 days without porn. They don't fill the void. I rather sit around depressed than fool myself that I fill the void with those two fuckin things. I need to pick up activities. Get mad and don't touch porn ever again. Read people's transformations after quitting porn and if this is what you want, then let's do it.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I remember when I had my first longer period without PMO. I had joined reddit nofap but the discussion there was not about porn addiction. People either didn't know about it or... I don't know. But they talked about quitting masturbation and watching porn (without calling it an addiction) and I said, "Of course I'm up! I hate masturbation and watching porn." At that time I thought I was addicted to masturbation, I thought what people called "masturbation" meant jerking off watching porn. To me, porn was just what I used to masturbate but I hated to watch it because I was a joke to girls, I had high social anxiety and I was sick and tired of being single and a failure with them. That's why I started hating watching porn, because it reminded me that I didn't get any. Porn had made me obsessed with sex and girls as sexual objects that I was supposed to use and throw away. Unfortunately, this is what porn does to your brain, without even knowing.
I joined reddit nofap and I saw that they had that counter. I didn't want to reset it to 0 because of my inferiority complex and asking for attention, I thought a higher counter would me make me stand out. Therefore, I pushed myself to the limit and I got 15 days without "masturbation" (of course PMO). That was the best experience I had ever had, man. Everything changed about me, anxiety was low, concentration was good, my brain functioned well and I could find words easily to express myself, my memory was sharp, I was working in real estate, I saw the address for an apartment for rent then I closed the page, boss came, asked me where the apartment was and I could tell him the whole address just like that. My memory used to be one of my qualities if not my no. 1 thing back in elementary school and then porn hit hard and I started struggling to memorize stuff. My memory became a joke and my ability to concentrate too. Maybe they go hand in hand. I had more energy and I was more positive and way less depressed for the first time in a few years. Just like that, for staying away from porn for only 15 days. Maybe because it was the first time in my life when I was away from porn for that long and it had a greater impact on me? I don't know. Around day 19 I relapsed, I binged and I returned back to feeling miserable, depressed, suicidal and lonely. Since then I've had a few longer streaks, few and far in between unfortunately, but they have shown me what's to the other side, actually that was just a sneak peek, being completely done with porn is more than that. Yesterday I found myself thinking, "Man, do you want to go back to that or not? You are still young, in your 30s, you can start feeling great. Be grateful for being 30 and having this opportunity to get mad and quit porn, you still have time, don't wait until your life is over and you realize you've been mediocre all your life, because of lack of motivation. But if you don't do it, time flies."
Yesterday I read some posts, some "before and after" type of posts, people saying how they used to be and how they are now after staying away from porn for a significant period of time, some guys had 1 year. It reminded me that I too felt great when I stood away from porn. But, in the chase for comfort, I forgot that. My mind wanted to stay comfortable, it doesn't want to put up the work, go through the necessary suffering and escape. It wants that "blanket", the self-medication, the "let's do it tomorrow." My mind is not my ally, it wants to take me down, it's always been like this, obeying my mind has led me to failure. Chester Bennington pointed at his head in an interview and said there was another Chester in there that wanted to take him down. I reacted right away to that. I said, "Yes, Chester, you hit the nail in the head, that's me!" I need to separate myself from my mind. Rest in peace to Chester.
I don't have time to waste anymore. I am not alright with the fact that I'm 30 and mediocre, battling porn addiction and alcoholism but let's look at the positives here: I'm only 30. I have time to fix my life. But time flies. Even if you are old, that period of time left until you die is best lived without being a slave.
I joined reddit nofap and I saw that they had that counter. I didn't want to reset it to 0 because of my inferiority complex and asking for attention, I thought a higher counter would me make me stand out. Therefore, I pushed myself to the limit and I got 15 days without "masturbation" (of course PMO). That was the best experience I had ever had, man. Everything changed about me, anxiety was low, concentration was good, my brain functioned well and I could find words easily to express myself, my memory was sharp, I was working in real estate, I saw the address for an apartment for rent then I closed the page, boss came, asked me where the apartment was and I could tell him the whole address just like that. My memory used to be one of my qualities if not my no. 1 thing back in elementary school and then porn hit hard and I started struggling to memorize stuff. My memory became a joke and my ability to concentrate too. Maybe they go hand in hand. I had more energy and I was more positive and way less depressed for the first time in a few years. Just like that, for staying away from porn for only 15 days. Maybe because it was the first time in my life when I was away from porn for that long and it had a greater impact on me? I don't know. Around day 19 I relapsed, I binged and I returned back to feeling miserable, depressed, suicidal and lonely. Since then I've had a few longer streaks, few and far in between unfortunately, but they have shown me what's to the other side, actually that was just a sneak peek, being completely done with porn is more than that. Yesterday I found myself thinking, "Man, do you want to go back to that or not? You are still young, in your 30s, you can start feeling great. Be grateful for being 30 and having this opportunity to get mad and quit porn, you still have time, don't wait until your life is over and you realize you've been mediocre all your life, because of lack of motivation. But if you don't do it, time flies."
Yesterday I read some posts, some "before and after" type of posts, people saying how they used to be and how they are now after staying away from porn for a significant period of time, some guys had 1 year. It reminded me that I too felt great when I stood away from porn. But, in the chase for comfort, I forgot that. My mind wanted to stay comfortable, it doesn't want to put up the work, go through the necessary suffering and escape. It wants that "blanket", the self-medication, the "let's do it tomorrow." My mind is not my ally, it wants to take me down, it's always been like this, obeying my mind has led me to failure. Chester Bennington pointed at his head in an interview and said there was another Chester in there that wanted to take him down. I reacted right away to that. I said, "Yes, Chester, you hit the nail in the head, that's me!" I need to separate myself from my mind. Rest in peace to Chester.
I don't have time to waste anymore. I am not alright with the fact that I'm 30 and mediocre, battling porn addiction and alcoholism but let's look at the positives here: I'm only 30. I have time to fix my life. But time flies. Even if you are old, that period of time left until you die is best lived without being a slave.
Phineas 808
Respected Member
Awesome, Escape! The more emotional energy behind your new found determination, the better!
Way to go! Here with you! You never have to lapse again! But, even if- I say 'if' you do, get up, and smack this thing in the nose!
You got this, and will reach higher and higher numbers, you will succeed on both fronts of sobriety!
Way to go! Here with you! You never have to lapse again! But, even if- I say 'if' you do, get up, and smack this thing in the nose!
You got this, and will reach higher and higher numbers, you will succeed on both fronts of sobriety!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks, man. I will definitely never relapse again. It might sound like "
Yeah, right!" but that's why I'm saying this, because now I can't relapse after saying it. It's life and death situation, man, because I'm already "dead" you know what I'm saying? I haven't accomplished anything worth mentioning, I haven't done anything exciting, I'm single, alcoholic, jerking off in the dark and living for pleasure and comfort. What's all this? I've been reading around the Internet from people with long streaks for motivation. Because a few days ago I was almost suicidal, depressed like back in high school, and yesterday a post on nofap reddit did something to my brain, I don't know, a reaction happened. I came here and wrote that post. I'd never felt such determination. I was mad, man. I realized I can't continue to be depressed, suicidal and gone. There is so much I can tolerate.
zaraki888
Active Member
Hello Escapeandnevercomeback, I read quick through your treat. I am glad you are back as one of my mistakes was leaving rebootnation. Although at the moment I am not active here. Feeling a failure and ashamed while I could have received all the help I needed on the forum. I see you were able to reach 50 days and beyond! That was really amazing!
Also I noticed you had struggles with cravings and urges and felt like they were pretty strong while with that long streak.
My question is did you read the free e-book, the Easypeasy way to quit porn? It has new insights that I wasn't aware off. A pretty good book that indeed shows an easier way to quit porn.
By the way I am on day 32.
Don't worry about going slow with your streak. Especially after such a long streak, getting back to 3 weeks could take you some time as for me, that takes about 7 to 9 weeks (but now I read the easypease book, I can do it faster if I reapse again). I am writing you this as in my experience, it takes time and hopefully you get back sooner. So relax and don't beat yourself up.
With this book, it could help you to get back sooner and kick this addiction out of the way for good. You see, we stop watching p, but we still have the needs and wants. That doesn't work as the book explains to cut down the needs and wants first before stop watching p. One of the insightful things I read.
Take care
Also I noticed you had struggles with cravings and urges and felt like they were pretty strong while with that long streak.
My question is did you read the free e-book, the Easypeasy way to quit porn? It has new insights that I wasn't aware off. A pretty good book that indeed shows an easier way to quit porn.
By the way I am on day 32.
Don't worry about going slow with your streak. Especially after such a long streak, getting back to 3 weeks could take you some time as for me, that takes about 7 to 9 weeks (but now I read the easypease book, I can do it faster if I reapse again). I am writing you this as in my experience, it takes time and hopefully you get back sooner. So relax and don't beat yourself up.
With this book, it could help you to get back sooner and kick this addiction out of the way for good. You see, we stop watching p, but we still have the needs and wants. That doesn't work as the book explains to cut down the needs and wants first before stop watching p. One of the insightful things I read.
Take care
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, the book is valuable. I've read it more than once. It's definitely something important to be added to the quitting process.