I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Thank you all for support and advice.

I understand what Chester Bennington (Rest in peace) meant in that interview when he pointed to his head and said, "There is another Chester in there that's like...wants to take me down." I felt that right away because there is another me in my head that wants me probably dead, I don't know. I sleep like shit. Last night I slept for 1 hour only.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Today, after several days of deep depression, I felt better. I could think more clearly. I didn't think I would get out of this depression, even if it's just today. A part of me feels I might go back to that dark period from years ago. High social anxiety is a big issue. And the urges which look like they're starting.

I read a little bit from Easy Peasy method and I liked the discussion about the "brainwashing" that it's a big part of the book. I see how it goes. Porn comes with those reasons why I should watch it. "You won't be able to deal with this depression or anxiety or low feeling without me" ; "You are all alone and I'm your sex life" etc. Maybe all those could be translated to "self-medication and comfort". Porn is my comfort world. And it has brainwashed me into thinking I would lose something very important if I escaped porn. The book tries to make us realize we are not giving up anything important. I like a line that goes something like (I don't know the exact words): When you wish you could watch porn but you can't, this creates craving for it. I don't know exactly how the line was but I reacted to it right away. I understood the idea of that very important thing that I wish I had but I can't. This is when big craving accompanied by urges comes. It's like that forceful denying of something great. And the fact is that porn is nothing great or important for our lives. We are not missing anything. The book is good in discussing the brainwashing, the ideas that entered our subconscious regarding porn and that some of us might not even see. There was a time when I definitely didn't see it. I'm trying to find what works for me, man. Rambo style didn't work. Or maybe Rambo style (running through urges) is what might save me. I don't know.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
When you wish you could watch porn but you can't, this creates craving for it. I don't know exactly how the line was but I reacted to it right away. I understood the idea of that very important thing that I wish I had but I can't. This is when big craving accompanied by urges comes. It's like that forceful denying of something great. And the fact is that porn is nothing great or important for our lives. We are not missing anything.

Glad you're feeling better, brother! This right here, that you mention from the "Easy Peasy Method" sounds like the difference between 'white-knuckling (Rambo)' and a more mindful approach.

That's the bottom line, this crap has nothing to offer you but empty and false fantasy! What you truly want, and what you deserve, is reality, the real-thing. And giving up the cotton-candy (which gives you cavities) will free you up to receive the true feast.

Keep searching (like I did), eventually you'll find that method that resonates with you the most, and you can run with it successfully. Or, try different things. I think for me, it was a number of approaches tried and practiced at the same time, that helped me... is helping me.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Glad you're feeling better, brother! This right here, that you mention from the "Easy Peasy Method" sounds like the difference between 'white-knuckling (Rambo)' and a more mindful approach.

That's the bottom line, this crap has nothing to offer you but empty and false fantasy! What you truly want, and what you deserve, is reality, the real-thing. And giving up the cotton-candy (which gives you cavities) will free you up to receive the true feast.

Keep searching (like I did), eventually you'll find that method that resonates with you the most, and you can run with it successfully. Or, try different things. I think for me, it was a number of approaches tried and practiced at the same time, that helped me... is helping me.
Fighting the urges is very difficult, it drains you and makes you exhausted. What happens is that when you fight urges, you actually fight the craving for porn, you fight the "I wish I could watch but I can't". You desire it so much but you restrain yourself. And this is hard in the long run if you are like me who has urges even on day 50! After fighting massive urges and craving for porn for at least three quarters of those days, I was beaten bad. On day 51 I felt like, "Fuck, I can't do this anymore, bro, I won't survive today." That's what I like about the book. It addresses what they call "brainwashing", why porn is not something we need and why we feel we need it and want it. I think everybody should read the book because it is something good to add to the rebooting process. I've done this before, but I didn't take it seriously: Looking deeper past the urges and see what they want. And it's most of the time the "self-medication and comfort". Pretty much anytime when urges start, I can see that I experience discomfort, I am not okay about something, I remember about my loneliness etc. Porn wants to come and offer the comfort for my discomfort. But porn is nothing, it doesn't bring anything, it doesn't heal anything, it doesn't bring comfort etc. Replacing the "brainwashing" with the reality in our brain might do the trick. Replacing the "this is why I need porn" to "porn is absolutely nothing for my life" should definitely help. It pulled me from some tough moments for a couple of days already.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 6

Six days without porn and alcohol. With both is the same thing: They have brainwashed me into thinking that they are something important in my life.

"You will not be able to experience pleasure without me";
"You will not be able to deal with discomfort without me";

That sort of thing. But it's all bullshit. My low ability to sit with my discomfort kept me in chains. That's why those 2 things "have become" vital for my life, hence the feeling of deprivation and losing something big. The reality is that we don't give up anything by quitting porn, we are just escaping from the prison.

The sooner is understood that porn is nothing in our lives and we won't lose anything, the better for all of us here. It takes away its "power" over us because we don't put it on a pedestal anymore.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 7

1 week without porn and alcohol but... There is a "but". The brainwashing of porn is a very strong thing. It finds reasons to convince you why you must watch it. I haven't figured out yet the best method to escape its grip. You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost. Maybe this also comes from self-medication but if this is the case, it must be buried deep where I don't see it and I only see the craving for the "pleasure". Or maybe this is what it really is sometimes: I crave the pleasure, and that's it. I don't know what to say, man, it's confusing.

Okay, having said that, what actually happened? I was at work, afternoon shift and I struggled to convince myself why I should not watch porn. I had massive urges and porn asked me again to watch porn right there at work because I work alone. Man, I'm so sick and tired of this thing. I have experience with PMO at work and it makes me sick just to think about it. If it wasn't for this community, that's something I wouldn't tell anyone. All alone in there, you can watch some porn, edge a little bit and then go to the bathroom, right? I can't believe all this. Hopefully, tomorrow I go back to my usual location and there is a co-worker in there. That keeps me away from porn. The "you are alone now" is the cue, like a dog, "here is the cue now you know what you have to do."

Anyway, I managed to survive. I didn't watch porn, didn't do anything and then guess what? The guy who replaces me asked me: "What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?" Unbelievable. Can you believe this? I can't escape this whatever I'm trying to do.

I'm not even done with the craving for dopamine pleasure. If I make it until I go to sleep, I will have a chance. If not...But there is always the danger of tomorrow morning (long history of edging rubbing myself against the bed first thing in the morning).
 

jonazo91

Member
Day 7

1 week without porn and alcohol but... There is a "but". The brainwashing of porn is a very strong thing. It finds reasons to convince you why you must watch it. I haven't figured out yet the best method to escape its grip. You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost. Maybe this also comes from self-medication but if this is the case, it must be buried deep where I don't see it and I only see the craving for the "pleasure". Or maybe this is what it really is sometimes: I crave the pleasure, and that's it. I don't know what to say, man, it's confusing.

Okay, having said that, what actually happened? I was at work, afternoon shift and I struggled to convince myself why I should not watch porn. I had massive urges and porn asked me again to watch porn right there at work because I work alone. Man, I'm so sick and tired of this thing. I have experience with PMO at work and it makes me sick just to think about it. If it wasn't for this community, that's something I wouldn't tell anyone. All alone in there, you can watch some porn, edge a little bit and then go to the bathroom, right? I can't believe all this. Hopefully, tomorrow I go back to my usual location and there is a co-worker in there. That keeps me away from porn. The "you are alone now" is the cue, like a dog, "here is the cue now you know what you have to do."

Anyway, I managed to survive. I didn't watch porn, didn't do anything and then guess what? The guy who replaces me asked me: "What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?" Unbelievable. Can you believe this? I can't escape this whatever I'm trying to do.

I'm not even done with the craving for dopamine pleasure. If I make it until I go to sleep, I will have a chance. If not...But there is always the danger of tomorrow morning (long history of edging rubbing myself against the bed first thing in the morning).
Good on you for holding off. Don't mind that guy. "You jerkin' off in there?" is one of those classic jokes you're gonna hear for the rest of your life no matter what, because most people just accept it as part of daily life. If anything, the joke is that "we all do it all the time." At least that's how I take it.

Sometimes I wonder how many porn addicts are out there who never give their addiction any critical thought and just let it run rampant, due to that brainwashing that "it's totally fine and normal." Anyway, I think those moments where you're able to push through those moments where your porn brain is saying "it's fine, it's just a little bit of pleasure" are the most important. I don't know why it's so hard to push through that, it always seems like such an obvious lie afterward. So good on you for resisting it.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Good on you for holding off. Don't mind that guy. "You jerkin' off in there?" is one of those classic jokes you're gonna hear for the rest of your life no matter what, because most people just accept it as part of daily life. If anything, the joke is that "we all do it all the time." At least that's how I take it.

Sometimes I wonder how many porn addicts are out there who never give their addiction any critical thought and just let it run rampant, due to that brainwashing that "it's totally fine and normal." Anyway, I think those moments where you're able to push through those moments where your porn brain is saying "it's fine, it's just a little bit of pleasure" are the most important. I don't know why it's so hard to push through that, it always seems like such an obvious lie afterward. So good on you for resisting it.
Off course I know about the stupid "You jerkin off in there?" thing, that wasn't what exasperated me, what exasperated me was that it came right after I had been struggling for a few hours not to start jerking off to porn at work.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 0

And I fuckin relapsed. I didn't make it. I went to sleep at 2 AM but everything was looking alright... Until I woke up at 4:30 and started edging to porn fantasies on autopilot without even being aware of it (same fuckin shit that I've been struggling with for too long). I stopped after a few minutes and everything should've been okay but... I can't stop and remain there. Never. I edged to some porn before going again back to sleep. I woke up around afternoon and I continued my edging to porn for about 2 hours. One small rock always overturns my cart. The anxiety had been lower for a couple of days but after this relapse, it came back in full force. I have to go to night shift but I literally have no drive to get out of the house. Once you ejaculate, everything drops. It's that feeling of going from 100 to 0 in a couple of minutes. I don't know if I could beat this in this lifetime. I am exhausted mentally from having to live with this addiction. The only good thing is that I have 8 days without drinking. At least I might quit drinking if I can't quit porn. It would be one less thing to worry about. Honestly, right now I don't feel like I have the slightest chance to quit porn.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Escape, congrats on making it a full week, 7 days! Make this your new goal to beat, and keep going! Congrats on 8 days free of drinking, too!

it may seem easier to quit drinking than porn, simply because our sex-drive is so much a part of us... but why limit ourselves? Anything is possible. I believe you can do both..., just keep two separate counters, if it helps.

I wanted to comment on your previous post, if I may...

You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost.

I know that the urges often 'hijack' our thought processes, or we reason for or against the urges, but in themselves, they are only signals from our lower animal-brain. What makes them seem so urgent is it comes from a survivalist and instinctual part of the brain...

But see any thought or reason for using PMO as mindless urges from the lower brain, and don't represent the 'real you'. This makes it easier to ignore them, and see them for what they are... Most times, there's no special reason for the urges, just that they want their hit... Sometimes there's a deeper emotional component, but this seems less often. Regardless of how strong the urges are, you can gaurantee that- if not acted on (for or against), they will subside. Just wait them out, deep breathe and observe.

"What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?"

I know what you mean. In my early 20's, when I was trying to quit a masturbation habit, every time I would lapse, the next day, someone would have some snide remark at work about it... it was weird, uncanny! It's a sign that our lives have deep meaning, and, though we may not understand everything yet, it's somehow very important to quit these habits, like something about us, but beyond us. Truth be told, there are (dark) forces out there that want us to continue destroying our lives- yes, to kill us, but to also rob the gift that our lives will be for others.

Be strong, brother. Don't let this speed bump slow you down...!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
The only good thing yesterday was that I didn't binge. If I can't stay relapse-free, at least I should have only 1 PMO session because the impact is smaller. When I binge, I drain myself up and I feel broken for days. Of course, I don't want to relapse anymore but I don't know what's wrong. I'm missing something and I can't see it despise planning and doing a lot of reading about the brainwashing...
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Keep up the research, reading more than just one source. I know it's a lot of work, but you're worth it! Something will 'click', and you'll snap about what will work best for you. never, ever quit trying!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Bro, I suggest you get out of the house.

First thing when you wake up get out of the house go for a long walk. I suggest somewhere with water like a lake, river or beach.

I have a trail nearby but I drive 15 minutes with car just so I can be around a small lake or drive 20 min and be around a small river.

This PA isn't meant to be fun. But everything can serve us in a positive way if we figure it out.

Much love and good luck
EW
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Day -1

I ain't even at "day 0" no more, I'm below that. All I do is jerk off to porn. I can't stay porn free.
It's not about what you can or can't do, but what you must. And you must stay porn free becaues that is your will. You wouldn't be on this forum, on this journal, if it wasn't your will--your active, conscious action--to be here.

It's a setback, but the fundamental goal doesn't change. You decided to be porn free and this is what is going to happen. Maybe not this week, maybe not next month, but it will. This won't change until you decide that porn has no adverse effects, is okay, but for as long as you see it as a negative thing--a negative thing you want to cut out of your life--the decision to be porn free is made from a place deep within you. The rest is, in a manner of speaking, translation.

Take it as a setback; the fundamental goal hasn't changed; love yourself, be compassionate, and figure out who you are by pursuing higher goals (maybe start some new projects, hobbies, activities?). What things in life has porn robbed you? Can you figure out ways of getting them back? The less you can devote of your brainpower to porn, the better. Unless, of course, you educate yourself about the damaging effects through Gary Wilson's work, or similiar stuff.

You got this Escape! Strength and courage 🙏
 
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