Well done, brother!
Good on you for holding off. Don't mind that guy. "You jerkin' off in there?" is one of those classic jokes you're gonna hear for the rest of your life no matter what, because most people just accept it as part of daily life. If anything, the joke is that "we all do it all the time." At least that's how I take it.Day 7
1 week without porn and alcohol but... There is a "but". The brainwashing of porn is a very strong thing. It finds reasons to convince you why you must watch it. I haven't figured out yet the best method to escape its grip. You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost. Maybe this also comes from self-medication but if this is the case, it must be buried deep where I don't see it and I only see the craving for the "pleasure". Or maybe this is what it really is sometimes: I crave the pleasure, and that's it. I don't know what to say, man, it's confusing.
Okay, having said that, what actually happened? I was at work, afternoon shift and I struggled to convince myself why I should not watch porn. I had massive urges and porn asked me again to watch porn right there at work because I work alone. Man, I'm so sick and tired of this thing. I have experience with PMO at work and it makes me sick just to think about it. If it wasn't for this community, that's something I wouldn't tell anyone. All alone in there, you can watch some porn, edge a little bit and then go to the bathroom, right? I can't believe all this. Hopefully, tomorrow I go back to my usual location and there is a co-worker in there. That keeps me away from porn. The "you are alone now" is the cue, like a dog, "here is the cue now you know what you have to do."
Anyway, I managed to survive. I didn't watch porn, didn't do anything and then guess what? The guy who replaces me asked me: "What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?" Unbelievable. Can you believe this? I can't escape this whatever I'm trying to do.
I'm not even done with the craving for dopamine pleasure. If I make it until I go to sleep, I will have a chance. If not...But there is always the danger of tomorrow morning (long history of edging rubbing myself against the bed first thing in the morning).
Off course I know about the stupid "You jerkin off in there?" thing, that wasn't what exasperated me, what exasperated me was that it came right after I had been struggling for a few hours not to start jerking off to porn at work.Good on you for holding off. Don't mind that guy. "You jerkin' off in there?" is one of those classic jokes you're gonna hear for the rest of your life no matter what, because most people just accept it as part of daily life. If anything, the joke is that "we all do it all the time." At least that's how I take it.
Sometimes I wonder how many porn addicts are out there who never give their addiction any critical thought and just let it run rampant, due to that brainwashing that "it's totally fine and normal." Anyway, I think those moments where you're able to push through those moments where your porn brain is saying "it's fine, it's just a little bit of pleasure" are the most important. I don't know why it's so hard to push through that, it always seems like such an obvious lie afterward. So good on you for resisting it.
You know, when urges start, I like to look past them and see what's going on, what they want. Usually, it starts with me experiencing discomfort and porn coming to tell me it has the comfort. But sometimes... this is the "but", sometimes it just... the "pleasure", I mean, that's how it looks like, like I want the "pleasure" of porn and when porn comes with this reason ("you like my pleasure, so what are you waiting for?") I'm lost.
"What are you doing in here with the door closed? Are you jerking off?"
It's not about what you can or can't do, but what you must. And you must stay porn free becaues that is your will. You wouldn't be on this forum, on this journal, if it wasn't your will--your active, conscious action--to be here.Day -1
I ain't even at "day 0" no more, I'm below that. All I do is jerk off to porn. I can't stay porn free.
Thanks, man. I will definitely never relapse again. It might sound like " Yeah, right!" but that's why I'm saying this, because now I can't relapse after saying it. It's life and death situation, man, because I'm already "dead" you know what I'm saying? I haven't accomplished anything worth mentioning, I haven't done anything exciting, I'm single, alcoholic, jerking off in the dark and living for pleasure and comfort. What's all this? I've been reading around the Internet from people with long streaks for motivation. Because a few days ago I was almost suicidal, depressed like back in high school, and yesterday a post on nofap reddit did something to my brain, I don't know, a reaction happened. I came here and wrote that post. I'd never felt such determination. I was mad, man. I realized I can't continue to be depressed, suicidal and gone. There is so much I can tolerate.Awesome, Escape! The more emotional energy behind your new found determination, the better!
Way to go! Here with you! You never have to lapse again! But, even if- I say 'if' you do, get up, and smack this thing in the nose!
You got this, and will reach higher and higher numbers, you will succeed on both fronts of sobriety!
Yes, the book is valuable. I've read it more than once. It's definitely something important to be added to the quitting process.Hello Escapeandnevercomeback, I read quick through your treat. I am glad you are back as one of my mistakes was leaving rebootnation. Although at the moment I am not active here. Feeling a failure and ashamed while I could have received all the help I needed on the forum. I see you were able to reach 50 days and beyond! That was really amazing!
Also I noticed you had struggles with cravings and urges and felt like they were pretty strong while with that long streak.
My question is did you read the free e-book, the Easypeasy way to quit porn? It has new insights that I wasn't aware off. A pretty good book that indeed shows an easier way to quit porn.
By the way I am on day 32.
Don't worry about going slow with your streak. Especially after such a long streak, getting back to 3 weeks could take you some time as for me, that takes about 7 to 9 weeks (but now I read the easypease book, I can do it faster if I reapse again). I am writing you this as in my experience, it takes time and hopefully you get back sooner. So relax and don't beat yourself up.
With this book, it could help you to get back sooner and kick this addiction out of the way for good. You see, we stop watching p, but we still have the needs and wants. That doesn't work as the book explains to cut down the needs and wants first before stop watching p. One of the insightful things I read.