I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 3

12 years of mental health issues because of porn are enough for me. The "fun" is over. The "perceived" fun because there is no fun in being a porn addict. I watched my first hardcore at 13 and I watched for a short period of time because the channel disappeared. At 14 I got a TV to my room and watched softcore porn after midnight, available at the end of the week. I masturbated twice a day (first thing in the morning like junkies and then in the evening), using flashbacks and porn related fantasies as stimulation and I began suffering from social anxiety. But at 17 I got high speed Internet, I started binging porn and PMO-ing on an average of 7 times a day and in a matter of maybe 6 months I was done. My life was game over before it even started. At 18 I was "dead". I was supposed to be "so young" but I felt like an old man already. I was tired all the time, I had debilitating social anxiety (I could barely function anymore in society), I had hard depression and absolutely no motivation for life. Girls saw me as a joke, I didn't get any attention in any shape or form and I was scared to talk to them. I was weak, I couldn't even make eye contact and I emanated this weak energy that people registered. Nobody took me seriously. My only regret is that I didn't try to do more earlier, I didn't try everything in my power to change. I don't know what I wanted to do but I allowed myself to reach the age of 30 with social anxiety, depression, no motivation, addicted to alcohol and porn, this is not alright. That's why I guess it's time. And I believe everybody agrees with me when I say there comes a day when you need to put up the maximum effort cause time flies. I "woke up" one day from a "nightmare" where my life was mediocre (more than) and realized I was actually living the "nightmare" because the nightmare was actually my life. And I said "Holy smokes, I'm 30! But I don't have much of a life!" Truth hurt. But you start with the truth, you tell yourself the truth, the reality, without sugarcoating and then invest the effort in escaping.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
I will definitely never relapse again. It might sound like ":rolleyes: Yeah, right!" but that's why I'm saying this, because now I can't relapse after saying it. It's life and death situation, man, because I'm already "dead" you know what I'm saying?

I'm not thinking, "Yeah, right!", but I'm thinking, "Hell yeah!"

You're in a good place to 'go all in' and have lengthy streaks and perhaps even to never go back. The 'Porn is Not an Option' mentality is definitely what you want to get there.

But always be gentle with yourself, compassionate even. You have to be on your own side. And (do I even need to say it?) suicide should NEVER be on the table. Yes, go all in! It is do or die, but it is also 'try and try again' never, ever give up trying, even if you did fall!

Your strength won't be in never falling again (though if that's holds true, great!), but in always getting up no matter how many times you did fall.

This isn't meant as a 'wet blanket' but rather as fuel to the fire!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I'm not thinking, "Yeah, right!", but I'm thinking, "Hell yeah!"

You're in a good place to 'go all in' and have lengthy streaks and perhaps even to never go back. The 'Porn is Not an Option' mentality is definitely what you want to get there.

But always be gentle with yourself, compassionate even. You have to be on your own side. And (do I even need to say it?) suicide should NEVER be on the table. Yes, go all in! It is do or die, but it is also 'try and try again' never, ever give up trying, even if you did fall!

Your strength won't be in never falling again (though if that's holds true, great!), but in always getting up no matter how many times you did fall.

This isn't meant as a 'wet blanket' but rather as fuel to the fire!
Bro, I'm tired of the "Relapse/Restart" marathon, I don't want to try again, I want to be done with it. This time. I will do whatever it takes.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 4

I can feel that it's starting to be more challenging.

2 weeks without drinking have improved my sleep, at least for now. I used to have insomnia, I had nights before morning shift when I didn't sleep even for 1 minute, when I could sleep I woke up a few times during the night. For a few days I went to sleep at 10 P.M and woke up straight at 7:30 without waking up in between. You know, my mental health has been affected by those two stupid things.
 

yogi

Active Member
Escape, I can relate to your struggles.
Do not despair.Do not lose hope or feel frustrated.

Do not dwell on things like " I am 30 and still caught up in the reboot/relapse cycle".

Just keep moving ahead. The addiction pathways will slowly weaken and you will feel more in control as the days go by. Just focus on one day at a time.

Many a times we forget these basics of reboot, hence we end up hurting ourselves.

I firmly believe you will quit this addiction for once and for all.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Escape, I can relate to your struggles.
Do not despair.Do not lose hope or feel frustrated.

Do not dwell on things like " I am 30 and still caught up in the reboot/relapse cycle".

Just keep moving ahead. The addiction pathways will slowly weaken and you will feel more in control as the days go by. Just focus on one day at a time.

Many a times we forget these basics of reboot, hence we end up hurting ourselves.

I firmly believe you will quit this addiction for once and for all.
Absolutely. (y)💪
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I didn't mention this earlier when I wrote my post. Last night I had an alcohol dream. I was going to the afternoon shift but I bought myself a large bottle of beer on my way there. I started drinking from it then I looked at what time it was and it said 5 minutes until 2 P.M. when I need to be there. I said, "Yo, I need to change that guy, he is waiting for me!" I proceeded to hide the beer in some bushes because carrying alcohol at work gets you fired (coming at work after drinking also gets you fired) and then the dream jumped to New Year and I was drinking at work with some guy. God damn. It seems that my alcohol addicted brain wants to get me drink.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Only people actually quitting have those kinds of dreams! That means you’re for real.

It’s been well over 35 years, and I still have dreams of smoking dope!
Yes, definitely. It seems that when you try to quit a drug, you dream about it. You know, I don't need any crutches like that anymore. Because of my "comfort zone, self-medication" preference I can't just taste those things once in a while and be fine. I would get hooked on anything, it happened to be porn and alcohol because I could find them, thank God I didn't find drugs cause I would've messed with them. You know what's crazy? Two of my family members (an uncle and a grandfather, both from my dad's side) died alcoholics. My uncle was 40 when he died (sometimes it makes me think cause I'm 30 already. My dad told me one day, "If you continue like this, you won't reach 50). I was a kid back then, 5 years old or something, I don't remember too much but what I want to say is that I should've had examples in my family but I said, "Nah, bro, I can handle it. They became alcoholics because they drank every day and they drank vodka, I won't do this so I'm fine, I can drink today and then next month." I would've said the same about drugs too: "I take today and then next month, it won't be every day so I will be fine." And then I became addicted myself to alcohol. I think this can be proof that you don't really need to use drugs every day to become hooked. I don't know, maybe it runs in the genes as well. But my mindset has always been to look for comfort and self-medication so I would've messed with anything if I had found it. Anyway, the thing is, I have a chance to reverse all this. They didn't do it but I should consider myself fortunate to be in this position with half a month without alcohol.
 

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Keep going man. Remember that every day without porn is a victory. Every individual day. Everyone focuses on streaks but the number of porn free days counts as well.

Try to avoid drinking alone, that's something I've tried to cut out. I only drink in the presence of other people now, and rarely at home. I don't know if you drink beer but I've found the non-alcohol variants (which are now sold widely in my country) to be a decent substitute.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
You are definitely NOT your grandfather or your uncle, Escape! You are doing something about it, you are reversing the trend, and being your own man with your own destiny and story to tell!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Keep going man. Remember that every day without porn is a victory. Every individual day. Everyone focuses on streaks but the number of porn free days counts as well.

Try to avoid drinking alone, that's something I've tried to cut out. I only drink in the presence of other people now, and rarely at home. I don't know if you drink beer but I've found the non-alcohol variants (which are now sold widely in my country) to be a decent substitute.
Absolutely. Every day without porn is a win.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 5

Staying porn free was still easy. The madness will start of course. It's been easy so far but wait. Being away from alcohol for half a month is starting to bother me. I've been kind of agitated and irritated.

The bosses want to organize another meeting like that one in April (April was it?). That fucked up my sobriety. I drank and I eventually ended up relapsing, I mean full blown relapse, going back to the same routine, although not right away but the seed was planted, somewhere deep inside I knew I wanted to drink again, another time. And my alcohol sobriety had been going really well, for the first time in too long to remember. This time I ain't going, fuck that. Seriously. I mean, the last thing I need right now is that thing to fuck up my sobriety again. Funny how this thing always comes when I'm finally able to get a longer streak without drinking. Of course I could go there and not drink, theoretically, but practically I can't. Being in the presence of alcohol won't make me last too long. Beside the fact that I have to quit drinking for its own reasons, it also affects my porn sobriety, I end up watching porn and relapsing.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Funny how this thing always comes when I'm finally able to get a longer streak without drinking.
IKR. My own view is that this is the universe testing us. Just asking an "Are you sure?" question.

Today I went for a coffee with a friend. Usually 0 attractive girls at this coffee shop. But today. There was a one very cute girl sitting next to our table. Then 2 dudes at the table just in front left, to be replaced by 2 very cute girls. Obviously. Got triggered. Now time for some inner work...

Wish you all the best bro
EW
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
IKR. My own view is that this is the universe testing us. Just asking an "Are you sure?" question.

Today I went for a coffee with a friend. Usually 0 attractive girls at this coffee shop. But today. There was a one very cute girl sitting next to our table. Then 2 dudes at the table just in front left, to be replaced by 2 very cute girls. Obviously. Got triggered. Now time for some inner work...

Wish you all the best bro
EW
Thanks bro. I appreciate the support. Yes, this is how it happens, isn't it? When finally it's working for you, challenges come right away to test you. Those meetings at work seem to happen only after a longer streak without alcohol for me.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 6

Without alcohol and porn I feel low. I crave dopamine from anything unhealthy, like junk food and stuff like that.

Memories of porn make me want to reconsider my decision to quit.

I get tired quickly, I don't know what's going on, I seem to function these days like a laptop with 50% battery heath. I wake up wasted.

I'm agitated because of withdrawal (porn or alcohol? Or both).
 
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