I need to up my game.

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 1

There is a limit of how much I can tolerate with this porn addiction. 30 years old (31 in 3 months) is not an age where all I should do is jerk off to porn and have no motivation for absolutely anything. I think 12 years of intense porn addiction and mediocrity are enough for me. I'll fuckin quit! Yesterday was absolutely the last time when I jerked off to porn. And I wasn't the type who used to make bold statements like that, I don't think I've ever said it like that since I've been around Reboot Nation. If I did, I don't remember but anyway, it's not something I usually say, I am not usually this determined but now I can't take it anymore. If I've said it, I've never said it with this level of determination. I never meant it 100%. Today I read a post on another website. Someone talked about how his life changed after quitting porn and I got this strong motivation in me right there. I cannot continue to be dragged down by porn. I can't carry anymore this 700 pounds gorilla named "Porn" on my back. I will rather die than relapse again, this is life and death situation because... I'm already fuckin "dead", I live nothing, I have no motivation for absolutely anything other than "forearm workout" watching pixels. Fuck all this shit! I have 11 days without alcohol which will turn into months, as my porn sobriety will turn into months too. I'll quit all the crutches, all the shit I do for "comfort". I'm writing this here because after writing this I can't back down, I've done it too many times but I'm done. Look at my latest pages, man! It's a fuckin sad, depressing show! "Binge!" "I can't stay porn free!" "All I do is jerk off" "Day -1" I mean fuck all this! I'm done, man.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 2

12 days without alcohol and 2 days without porn. They don't fill the void. I rather sit around depressed than fool myself that I fill the void with those two fuckin things. I need to pick up activities. Get mad and don't touch porn ever again. Read people's transformations after quitting porn and if this is what you want, then let's do it.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I remember when I had my first longer period without PMO. I had joined reddit nofap but the discussion there was not about porn addiction. People either didn't know about it or... I don't know. But they talked about quitting masturbation and watching porn (without calling it an addiction) and I said, "Of course I'm up! I hate masturbation and watching porn." At that time I thought I was addicted to masturbation, I thought what people called "masturbation" meant jerking off watching porn. To me, porn was just what I used to masturbate but I hated to watch it because I was a joke to girls, I had high social anxiety and I was sick and tired of being single and a failure with them. That's why I started hating watching porn, because it reminded me that I didn't get any. Porn had made me obsessed with sex and girls as sexual objects that I was supposed to use and throw away. Unfortunately, this is what porn does to your brain, without even knowing.

I joined reddit nofap and I saw that they had that counter. I didn't want to reset it to 0 because of my inferiority complex and asking for attention, I thought a higher counter would me make me stand out. Therefore, I pushed myself to the limit and I got 15 days without "masturbation" (of course PMO). That was the best experience I had ever had, man. Everything changed about me, anxiety was low, concentration was good, my brain functioned well and I could find words easily to express myself, my memory was sharp, I was working in real estate, I saw the address for an apartment for rent then I closed the page, boss came, asked me where the apartment was and I could tell him the whole address just like that. My memory used to be one of my qualities if not my no. 1 thing back in elementary school and then porn hit hard and I started struggling to memorize stuff. My memory became a joke and my ability to concentrate too. Maybe they go hand in hand. I had more energy and I was more positive and way less depressed for the first time in a few years. Just like that, for staying away from porn for only 15 days. Maybe because it was the first time in my life when I was away from porn for that long and it had a greater impact on me? I don't know. Around day 19 I relapsed, I binged and I returned back to feeling miserable, depressed, suicidal and lonely. Since then I've had a few longer streaks, few and far in between unfortunately, but they have shown me what's to the other side, actually that was just a sneak peek, being completely done with porn is more than that. Yesterday I found myself thinking, "Man, do you want to go back to that or not? You are still young, in your 30s, you can start feeling great. Be grateful for being 30 and having this opportunity to get mad and quit porn, you still have time, don't wait until your life is over and you realize you've been mediocre all your life, because of lack of motivation. But if you don't do it, time flies."

Yesterday I read some posts, some "before and after" type of posts, people saying how they used to be and how they are now after staying away from porn for a significant period of time, some guys had 1 year. It reminded me that I too felt great when I stood away from porn. But, in the chase for comfort, I forgot that. My mind wanted to stay comfortable, it doesn't want to put up the work, go through the necessary suffering and escape. It wants that "blanket", the self-medication, the "let's do it tomorrow." My mind is not my ally, it wants to take me down, it's always been like this, obeying my mind has led me to failure. Chester Bennington pointed at his head in an interview and said there was another Chester in there that wanted to take him down. I reacted right away to that. I said, "Yes, Chester, you hit the nail in the head, that's me!" I need to separate myself from my mind. Rest in peace to Chester.

I don't have time to waste anymore. I am not alright with the fact that I'm 30 and mediocre, battling porn addiction and alcoholism but let's look at the positives here: I'm only 30. I have time to fix my life. But time flies. Even if you are old, that period of time left until you die is best lived without being a slave.

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome, Escape! The more emotional energy behind your new found determination, the better!

Way to go! Here with you! You never have to lapse again! But, even if- I say 'if' you do, get up, and smack this thing in the nose!

You got this, and will reach higher and higher numbers, you will succeed on both fronts of sobriety!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Awesome, Escape! The more emotional energy behind your new found determination, the better!

Way to go! Here with you! You never have to lapse again! But, even if- I say 'if' you do, get up, and smack this thing in the nose!

You got this, and will reach higher and higher numbers, you will succeed on both fronts of sobriety!

Thanks, man. I will definitely never relapse again. It might sound like " Yeah, right!" but that's why I'm saying this, because now I can't relapse after saying it. It's life and death situation, man, because I'm already "dead" you know what I'm saying? I haven't accomplished anything worth mentioning, I haven't done anything exciting, I'm single, alcoholic, jerking off in the dark and living for pleasure and comfort. What's all this? I've been reading around the Internet from people with long streaks for motivation. Because a few days ago I was almost suicidal, depressed like back in high school, and yesterday a post on nofap reddit did something to my brain, I don't know, a reaction happened. I came here and wrote that post. I'd never felt such determination. I was mad, man. I realized I can't continue to be depressed, suicidal and gone. There is so much I can tolerate.

 

[zaraki888]

Hello Escapeandnevercomeback, I read quick through your treat. I am glad you are back as one of my mistakes was leaving rebootnation. Although at the moment I am not active here. Feeling a failure and ashamed while I could have received all the help I needed on the forum. I see you were able to reach 50 days and beyond! That was really amazing!
Also I noticed you had struggles with cravings and urges and felt like they were pretty strong while with that long streak.

My question is did you read the free e-book, the Easypeasy way to quit porn? It has new insights that I wasn't aware off. A pretty good book that indeed shows an easier way to quit porn.

By the way I am on day 32.

Don't worry about going slow with your streak. Especially after such a long streak, getting back to 3 weeks could take you some time as for me, that takes about 7 to 9 weeks (but now I read the easypease book, I can do it faster if I reapse again). I am writing you this as in my experience, it takes time and hopefully you get back sooner. So relax and don't beat yourself up.

With this book, it could help you to get back sooner and kick this addiction out of the way for good. You see, we stop watching p, but we still have the needs and wants. That doesn't work as the book explains to cut down the needs and wants first before stop watching p. One of the insightful things I read.

Take care

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hello Escapeandnevercomeback, I read quick through your treat. I am glad you are back as one of my mistakes was leaving rebootnation. Although at the moment I am not active here. Feeling a failure and ashamed while I could have received all the help I needed on the forum. I see you were able to reach 50 days and beyond! That was really amazing!
Also I noticed you had struggles with cravings and urges and felt like they were pretty strong while with that long streak.

My question is did you read the free e-book, the Easypeasy way to quit porn? It has new insights that I wasn't aware off. A pretty good book that indeed shows an easier way to quit porn.

By the way I am on day 32.

Don't worry about going slow with your streak. Especially after such a long streak, getting back to 3 weeks could take you some time as for me, that takes about 7 to 9 weeks (but now I read the easypease book, I can do it faster if I reapse again). I am writing you this as in my experience, it takes time and hopefully you get back sooner. So relax and don't beat yourself up.

With this book, it could help you to get back sooner and kick this addiction out of the way for good. You see, we stop watching p, but we still have the needs and wants. That doesn't work as the book explains to cut down the needs and wants first before stop watching p. One of the insightful things I read.

Take care

Yes, the book is valuable. I've read it more than once. It's definitely something important to be added to the quitting process.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 3

12 years of mental health issues because of porn are enough for me. The "fun" is over. The "perceived" fun because there is no fun in being a porn addict. I watched my first hardcore at 13 and I watched for a short period of time because the channel disappeared. At 14 I got a TV to my room and watched softcore porn after midnight, available at the end of the week. I masturbated twice a day (first thing in the morning like junkies and then in the evening), using flashbacks and porn related fantasies as stimulation and I began suffering from social anxiety. But at 17 I got high speed Internet, I started binging porn and PMO-ing on an average of 7 times a day and in a matter of maybe 6 months I was done. My life was game over before it even started. At 18 I was "dead". I was supposed to be "so young" but I felt like an old man already. I was tired all the time, I had debilitating social anxiety (I could barely function anymore in society), I had hard depression and absolutely no motivation for life. Girls saw me as a joke, I didn't get any attention in any shape or form and I was scared to talk to them. I was weak, I couldn't even make eye contact and I emanated this weak energy that people registered. Nobody took me seriously. My only regret is that I didn't try to do more earlier, I didn't try everything in my power to change. I don't know what I wanted to do but I allowed myself to reach the age of 30 with social anxiety, depression, no motivation, addicted to alcohol and porn, this is not alright. That's why I guess it's time. And I believe everybody agrees with me when I say there comes a day when you need to put up the maximum effort cause time flies. I "woke up" one day from a "nightmare" where my life was mediocre (more than) and realized I was actually living the "nightmare" because the nightmare was actually my life. And I said "Holy smokes, I'm 30! But I don't have much of a life!" Truth hurt. But you start with the truth, you tell yourself the truth, the reality, without sugarcoating and then invest the effort in escaping.

 

[Phineas 808]

I will definitely never relapse again. It might sound like " Yeah, right!" but that's why I'm saying this, because now I can't relapse after saying it. It's life and death situation, man, because I'm already "dead" you know what I'm saying?

I'm not thinking, "Yeah, right!", but I'm thinking, "Hell yeah!"

You're in a good place to 'go all in' and have lengthy streaks and perhaps even to never go back. The 'Porn is Not an Option' mentality is definitely what you want to get there.

But always be gentle with yourself, compassionate even. You have to be on your own side. And (do I even need to say it?) suicide should NEVER be on the table. Yes, go all in! It is do or die, but it is also 'try and try again' never, ever give up trying, even if you did fall!

Your strength won't be in never falling again (though if that's holds true, great!), but in always getting up no matter how many times you did fall.

This isn't meant as a 'wet blanket' but rather as fuel to the fire!

 

[Phineas 808]

@zaraki888 Good to see you, brother! I'll look for your journal...

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I'm not thinking, "Yeah, right!", but I'm thinking, "Hell yeah!"

You're in a good place to 'go all in' and have lengthy streaks and perhaps even to never go back. The 'Porn is Not an Option' mentality is definitely what you want to get there.

But always be gentle with yourself, compassionate even. You have to be on your own side. And (do I even need to say it?) suicide should NEVER be on the table. Yes, go all in! It is do or die, but it is also 'try and try again' never, ever give up trying, even if you did fall!

Your strength won't be in never falling again (though if that's holds true, great!), but in always getting up no matter how many times you did fall.

This isn't meant as a 'wet blanket' but rather as fuel to the fire!

Bro, I'm tired of the "Relapse/Restart" marathon, I don't want to try again, I want to be done with it. This time. I will do whatever it takes.

 

[Phineas 808]

Bro, I'm tired of the "Relapse/Restart" marathon, I don't want to try again, I want to be done with it. This time. I will do whatever it takes.

I believe you will, brother!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I believe you will, brother!

Bro, thanks for all the support and advice, it's been helpful so far.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 4

I can feel that it's starting to be more challenging.

2 weeks without drinking have improved my sleep, at least for now. I used to have insomnia, I had nights before morning shift when I didn't sleep even for 1 minute, when I could sleep I woke up a few times during the night. For a few days I went to sleep at 10 P.M and woke up straight at 7:30 without waking up in between. You know, my mental health has been affected by those two stupid things.

 

[yogi]

Escape, I can relate to your struggles.
Do not despair.Do not lose hope or feel frustrated.

Do not dwell on things like " I am 30 and still caught up in the reboot/relapse cycle".

Just keep moving ahead. The addiction pathways will slowly weaken and you will feel more in control as the days go by. Just focus on one day at a time.

Many a times we forget these basics of reboot, hence we end up hurting ourselves.

I firmly believe you will quit this addiction for once and for all.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Escape, I can relate to your struggles.
Do not despair.Do not lose hope or feel frustrated.

Do not dwell on things like " I am 30 and still caught up in the reboot/relapse cycle".

Just keep moving ahead. The addiction pathways will slowly weaken and you will feel more in control as the days go by. Just focus on one day at a time.

Many a times we forget these basics of reboot, hence we end up hurting ourselves.

I firmly believe you will quit this addiction for once and for all.

Absolutely.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I didn't mention this earlier when I wrote my post. Last night I had an alcohol dream. I was going to the afternoon shift but I bought myself a large bottle of beer on my way there. I started drinking from it then I looked at what time it was and it said 5 minutes until 2 P.M. when I need to be there. I said, "Yo, I need to change that guy, he is waiting for me!" I proceeded to hide the beer in some bushes because carrying alcohol at work gets you fired (coming at work after drinking also gets you fired) and then the dream jumped to New Year and I was drinking at work with some guy. God damn. It seems that my alcohol addicted brain wants to get me drink.

 

[Phineas 808]

Only people actually quitting have those kinds of dreams! That means you’re for real.

It’s been well over 35 years, and I still have dreams of smoking dope!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Only people actually quitting have those kinds of dreams! That means you’re for real.

It’s been well over 35 years, and I still have dreams of smoking dope!

Yes, definitely. It seems that when you try to quit a drug, you dream about it. You know, I don't need any crutches like that anymore. Because of my "comfort zone, self-medication" preference I can't just taste those things once in a while and be fine. I would get hooked on anything, it happened to be porn and alcohol because I could find them, thank God I didn't find drugs cause I would've messed with them. You know what's crazy? Two of my family members (an uncle and a grandfather, both from my dad's side) died alcoholics. My uncle was 40 when he died (sometimes it makes me think cause I'm 30 already. My dad told me one day, "If you continue like this, you won't reach 50). I was a kid back then, 5 years old or something, I don't remember too much but what I want to say is that I should've had examples in my family but I said, "Nah, bro, I can handle it. They became alcoholics because they drank every day and they drank vodka, I won't do this so I'm fine, I can drink today and then next month." I would've said the same about drugs too: "I take today and then next month, it won't be every day so I will be fine." And then I became addicted myself to alcohol. I think this can be proof that you don't really need to use drugs every day to become hooked. I don't know, maybe it runs in the genes as well. But my mindset has always been to look for comfort and self-medication so I would've messed with anything if I had found it. Anyway, the thing is, I have a chance to reverse all this. They didn't do it but I should consider myself fortunate to be in this position with half a month without alcohol.

 

[96LostWanderer]

Keep going man. Remember that every day without porn is a victory. Every individual day. Everyone focuses on streaks but the number of porn free days counts as well.

Try to avoid drinking alone, that's something I've tried to cut out. I only drink in the presence of other people now, and rarely at home. I don't know if you drink beer but I've found the non-alcohol variants (which are now sold widely in my country) to be a decent substitute.