Don't relapse now, you've almost made it a full week! 6 days porn and alcohol free is great progress.
I'm struggling with the fuckin craving. I can't take this anymore, I don't know what to do. I might never quit this idiotic addiction.
A - Acceptance. Be accepting, even welcoming of the anxious feelings, urges or fantasies;
W- Watchful. Watch as an outside observer without judgment, with compassion and understanding.
A- Act. Take action on these feelings, in terms of breathing deep, staying calm in the moment.
R- Repeat. Repeat steps 1-3, until the urges passes.
E- Expect. Know that these urges, and their preceding triggers, will come, but have an expectancy that you will handle them successfully.
Day 12Day 0
I didn't make it.
Nice, bro. I like what you said there. I have past trauma, of course. Bullying until the age of 14, I mean you could say it lasted longer with lower level of bullying in high school but not the same as in elementary school. What happened after that is that I was affected by the bullying for a few years, without knowing. I had some scars, some PTSD or whatever it is. This was a period where I experienced my hardest depression and my lowest self-esteem, I had an inferiority complex. Around mid-twenties things began to change and I started not to think about it all day long but I guess it is suppressed in a way. It's definitely not healed. At 14 I moved from that place but if my mom (who is from there) asked me to go back there to visit relatives, I wouldn't want to go. I don't feel comfortable going back to that place, even though this means I can't meet my relatives anymore in that way. It's crazy, you know. Porn addiction came to offer "comfort" for this. Alcohol too.Be kind to yourself. What I noticed with myself when I relapse, the eagerness to get back on the horse tends to just create extra level of pressure.
I view porn addiction as a maladaptive coping mechanism for coping with emotional trauma and the complexities of modern life and some other stuff. As I am unpacking the emotional trauma an heal it, and as I am changing my beliefs and perceptions, I am finding it easier and easier to stay away from P.
I find blame disempowering even if justified. For example if I rightfully blame my parents for messing me up. This blame is disempowering me as I put the burden of healing onto the causer of the blame - my parents. But on the other hand if I forgive and move on and take full responsibility for my emotional traumas - I didn't create this mess but I forgive the one who has and I take full responsibility for cleaning this mess. I find this a whole lot more empowering - while it is more hurtful in the short-term. Blame is great as it smooths short term pain but disempowering in the long run. Forgiveness and ownership are painful in the short term as the emotional wounds hit you like a truck but extremely rewarding and empowering in the long run as we gain the level of self-mastery that in my view is not available to those from "nice" families or un-tested by the emotional pain and complexities of life.
For some reason maybe you will find this book helpful. It is on my todo list.
Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way: A Novel - Kindle edition by Willink, Jocko, Bozak, Jon. Children Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way: A Novel - Kindle edition by Willink, Jocko, Bozak, Jon. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Way of the Warrior Kid: From...www.amazon.com