I need to up my game.

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Actually you did make it, Escape! You made it 12 days! Celebrate that, I'm not even kidding! In the previous 12 days, you did not PMO!

Dust yourself off, and go again! Go for 13 or more days this time! Beat your previous number.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 12 Day 0

I didn't make it.

Hi Escape,

Apart from the usual questions that spring to mind (what were you thinking/feeling at the time, what was going on around you, what were you doing at the time that was working against you) something i'm left wondering is what is this 'it' that you did not make?

Is it that you didn't reach a certain number of days? Is it that you failed to live the rest of your life without a single instance of PMO? What there some other goal that you had?

Something that I think could augment your admirable tenacity & determination is working out and even writing down somewhere what this 'it' actually is so you can remind yourself what it is in such times of weakness, self doubt or despair.

What does a life without PMO look like for you anyway? What do you see in this vision? Some general things could be
  • Do you see meeting someone and starting a family?
  • Do you see yourself completing some personal goal or started doing something you've wanted to do your entire life?
  • Do you see yourself meeting amazing women and experiencing all the adventures, moments & pleasures that entails?
  • Do you see projects & successful ventures coming to life?
  • Do you see yourself become physically fitter or healthier?
  • Do you see a life where you can feel proud of yourself that you live a life true to your values & beliefs?
  • Do you see yourself as a confident person who can assert themselves and get what they want?
  • Do you see yourself at someone who is free of the constant stress & anxiety that is the addiction cycle?
If you're working towards a vision of a life you want to live, than 12 days PMO free towards this end is not a failure but 12 days of success right?

So whatever you do, don't fall into the Abstinence Violation Effect trap! Be gentle to yourself, cut yourself a bit of slack and get back to making some more days of success a reality when you're good and ready to do so.

Keep going Escape, we're all rooting for you!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Okay, thanks for support and advice, Phineas and Orbiter.

Day 2

I'm exhausted mentally with this shit. Sometimes I feel like I want to write "I'm a porn addict, that's why I'm fucked up" on my t-shirt for everyone to see. It's annoying when people don't know what's wrong with me and I can't say it.

I'm lethargic, depressed, feeling like an old man when I'm still so young. I know this is temporary but only if I can make it to the other side. If I keep binging, I will always be like this, maybe even worse. Porn fucked up my mental health. I don't know, listen, I'll gather all my strength one more time like back then when I eventually ended up reaching 50 days. Okay, I'll do it again but, if this fails, I don't think I have stamina left to do it again for a long time. Better this works. This time I want to do some extra things. I've been away from alcohol for almost a month (one of my biggest triggers) but I will also give up caffeine (another thing that makes my urges bigger) and masturbation. I will go back to my plan: Mistakes management, thoughts management, urges management (although here I'm not too successful, I will try harder with urge surfing thing).

The year is almost gone and I'm still in deep. I don't have the same determination and passion like at the beginning of the year, I'm depressed at the thought that I could lose another year like this. That's why I will put everything in this new streak. I will do it in a way that I've never done it before, even giving up all the things that don't make it work. Like, for example, caffeine, it's not bad but not now, it will be temporary, everything will be temporary only to see this streak working and then I'll see. Look, I don't know how the fuck to change my life right now and I don't think I can (completely) while I'm addicted to porn. Social anxiety is too big, my mental health is too poor, but I know it's porn, I'm sure, I've seen a little bit of what's to the other side and I know it's porn. All I can do now is focus everything on quitting porn and then I'm sure that without the 700 pounds gorilla named porn on my back, I can change my life.

Now, a little bit of journaling about today:

Work started again and I couldn't sleep well (again) last night, only ~3 hours. Like I've been telling you, my mental health is shit. But I know it's the fuckin porn. Conversations with my co-workers took a big effort. I don't like to show up depressed and anti-social but forcing myself to be social after a binge is exhausting. But, today was not a hard day at work. It's good, cause I'm a mess. But I am not excited about the following days.

After work, I bought myself a bluetooth keyboard and it's so small, it took me by surprise, I can barely find the keys but maybe I'll get used to it.

I hope I can sleep better tonight.

I've decided to write the misery on my journal maybe re-reading this could give me motivation not to relapse. It's like "This is how you feel after a relapse, do you really want that?" I want to really drill it into my head because only thinking about it didn't seem to work. I need to put the misery in front of me.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Be kind to yourself. What I noticed with myself when I relapse, the eagerness to get back on the horse tends to just create extra level of pressure.

I view porn addiction as a maladaptive coping mechanism for coping with emotional trauma and the complexities of modern life and some other stuff. As I am unpacking the emotional trauma an heal it, and as I am changing my beliefs and perceptions, I am finding it easier and easier to stay away from P.

I find blame disempowering even if justified. For example if I rightfully blame my parents for messing me up. This blame is disempowering me as I put the burden of healing onto the causer of the blame - my parents. But on the other hand if I forgive and move on and take full responsibility for my emotional traumas - I didn't create this mess but I forgive the one who has and I take full responsibility for cleaning this mess. I find this a whole lot more empowering - while it is more hurtful in the short-term. Blame is great as it smooths short term pain but disempowering in the long run. Forgiveness and ownership are painful in the short term as the emotional wounds hit you like a truck but extremely rewarding and empowering in the long run as we gain the level of self-mastery that in my view is not available to those from "nice" families or un-tested by the emotional pain and complexities of life.

For some reason maybe you will find this book helpful. It is on my todo list.

Much love
EW
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Be kind to yourself. What I noticed with myself when I relapse, the eagerness to get back on the horse tends to just create extra level of pressure.

I view porn addiction as a maladaptive coping mechanism for coping with emotional trauma and the complexities of modern life and some other stuff. As I am unpacking the emotional trauma an heal it, and as I am changing my beliefs and perceptions, I am finding it easier and easier to stay away from P.

I find blame disempowering even if justified. For example if I rightfully blame my parents for messing me up. This blame is disempowering me as I put the burden of healing onto the causer of the blame - my parents. But on the other hand if I forgive and move on and take full responsibility for my emotional traumas - I didn't create this mess but I forgive the one who has and I take full responsibility for cleaning this mess. I find this a whole lot more empowering - while it is more hurtful in the short-term. Blame is great as it smooths short term pain but disempowering in the long run. Forgiveness and ownership are painful in the short term as the emotional wounds hit you like a truck but extremely rewarding and empowering in the long run as we gain the level of self-mastery that in my view is not available to those from "nice" families or un-tested by the emotional pain and complexities of life.

For some reason maybe you will find this book helpful. It is on my todo list.

Much love
EW
Nice, bro. I like what you said there. I have past trauma, of course. Bullying until the age of 14, I mean you could say it lasted longer with lower level of bullying in high school but not the same as in elementary school. What happened after that is that I was affected by the bullying for a few years, without knowing. I had some scars, some PTSD or whatever it is. This was a period where I experienced my hardest depression and my lowest self-esteem, I had an inferiority complex. Around mid-twenties things began to change and I started not to think about it all day long but I guess it is suppressed in a way. It's definitely not healed. At 14 I moved from that place but if my mom (who is from there) asked me to go back there to visit relatives, I wouldn't want to go. I don't feel comfortable going back to that place, even though this means I can't meet my relatives anymore in that way. It's crazy, you know. Porn addiction came to offer "comfort" for this. Alcohol too.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Nice job Escape! Drinking and the Porn game are a horrible mixture. I lapsed on a 113 day streak due to having some drinks which led to PMO. So freaking frustrating. During my no PMO journey I found that I was actually beginning to drink more. I realized I was substituting one for the other. So I have had to curb / slow my alcohol consumption down. Proud of you on both the alcohol and PMO fronts! You're not alone so hang in there brother!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I'm admiring your tenacity and determination to beat this, Escape! You will. I really like what EW had to say about being compassionate to oneself, so true.

After a lapse, I'll feel like crap for at least 3 days (maybe as long as 2 weeks!), but the sooner I forgive myself- or accept the unconditional grace of God, as if He forgave me of all sins, past, present and future, the sooner I can move on, regain my footing (or try to) and go again.

Also, I share with you that past trauma of being picked on, or bullied. I have trauma from living on the streets as a run away teenager, as well (not that you said this). But, my "family of origin" was f***ed up to the nth degree, and that's where my emotional ties and drivers to this addiction had come from.

Standing with you.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I'm admiring your tenacity and determination to beat this, Escape! You will. I really like what EW had to say about being compassionate to oneself, so true.

After a lapse, I'll feel like crap for at least 3 days (maybe as long as 2 weeks!), but the sooner I forgive myself- or accept the unconditional grace of God, as if He forgave me of all sins, past, present and future, the sooner I can move on, regain my footing (or try to) and go again.

Also, I share with you that past trauma of being picked on, or bullied. I have trauma from living on the streets as a run away teenager, as well (not that you said this). But, my "family of origin" was f***ed up to the nth degree, and that's where my emotional ties and drivers to this addiction had come from.

Standing with you.
I feel you, man. Trauma was what led me into all this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Nice job Escape! Drinking and the Porn game are a horrible mixture. I lapsed on a 113 day streak due to having some drinks which led to PMO. So freaking frustrating. During my no PMO journey I found that I was actually beginning to drink more. I realized I was substituting one for the other. So I have had to curb / slow my alcohol consumption down. Proud of you on both the alcohol and PMO fronts! You're not alone so hang in there brother!
My best streak was killed by drinking and other promising streaks before got killed by drinking. It pissed me off like nothing else but I was (am) an alcohol addict and it didn't help. I was constantly trying to avoid alcohol but then that voice in my brain tried to trick me into finding ways to drink. Some months ago, after I'd stopped drinking, I started PMO-ing a lot more. Now I'm trying to stay away from both but it's hard.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Day 3

I slept more last night.

At work I had to deal with a lot of people again and it's exhausting because of my social anxiety. Tomorrow should be better because I'm afternoon shift and a part of the group only works in the morning. I need to relax, I'm stressed out with my life.

I have 25 days without drinking but today I craved alcohol, a lot. I have this feeling of "low", like only getting drunk would get me out of this. I crave some porn too but it was very mild. Of course, the madness will come.
 

zaraki888

Active Member
@zaraki888 Good to see you, brother! I'll look for your journal...

Hello Phineas, thank you. Good to see you too! I haven't decided yet to start a new journal as I suffer from stress when responding to messages or write my journal. For me it is also time consuming when responding to messages. I must focus and avoid stress as much as possible. I will sometimes come and read some messages and write something. When I get stronger I probably will be more here on the forum. Take care Phineas!
 
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