Day 12Day 0
I didn't make it.
Nice, bro. I like what you said there. I have past trauma, of course. Bullying until the age of 14, I mean you could say it lasted longer with lower level of bullying in high school but not the same as in elementary school. What happened after that is that I was affected by the bullying for a few years, without knowing. I had some scars, some PTSD or whatever it is. This was a period where I experienced my hardest depression and my lowest self-esteem, I had an inferiority complex. Around mid-twenties things began to change and I started not to think about it all day long but I guess it is suppressed in a way. It's definitely not healed. At 14 I moved from that place but if my mom (who is from there) asked me to go back there to visit relatives, I wouldn't want to go. I don't feel comfortable going back to that place, even though this means I can't meet my relatives anymore in that way. It's crazy, you know. Porn addiction came to offer "comfort" for this. Alcohol too.Be kind to yourself. What I noticed with myself when I relapse, the eagerness to get back on the horse tends to just create extra level of pressure.
I view porn addiction as a maladaptive coping mechanism for coping with emotional trauma and the complexities of modern life and some other stuff. As I am unpacking the emotional trauma an heal it, and as I am changing my beliefs and perceptions, I am finding it easier and easier to stay away from P.
I find blame disempowering even if justified. For example if I rightfully blame my parents for messing me up. This blame is disempowering me as I put the burden of healing onto the causer of the blame - my parents. But on the other hand if I forgive and move on and take full responsibility for my emotional traumas - I didn't create this mess but I forgive the one who has and I take full responsibility for cleaning this mess. I find this a whole lot more empowering - while it is more hurtful in the short-term. Blame is great as it smooths short term pain but disempowering in the long run. Forgiveness and ownership are painful in the short term as the emotional wounds hit you like a truck but extremely rewarding and empowering in the long run as we gain the level of self-mastery that in my view is not available to those from "nice" families or un-tested by the emotional pain and complexities of life.
For some reason maybe you will find this book helpful. It is on my todo list.
Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way: A Novel - Kindle edition by Willink, Jocko, Bozak, Jon. Children Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way: A Novel - Kindle edition by Willink, Jocko, Bozak, Jon. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Way of the Warrior Kid: From...www.amazon.com
I feel you, man. Trauma was what led me into all this.I'm admiring your tenacity and determination to beat this, Escape! You will. I really like what EW had to say about being compassionate to oneself, so true.
After a lapse, I'll feel like crap for at least 3 days (maybe as long as 2 weeks!), but the sooner I forgive myself- or accept the unconditional grace of God, as if He forgave me of all sins, past, present and future, the sooner I can move on, regain my footing (or try to) and go again.
Also, I share with you that past trauma of being picked on, or bullied. I have trauma from living on the streets as a run away teenager, as well (not that you said this). But, my "family of origin" was f***ed up to the nth degree, and that's where my emotional ties and drivers to this addiction had come from.
Standing with you.
My best streak was killed by drinking and other promising streaks before got killed by drinking. It pissed me off like nothing else but I was (am) an alcohol addict and it didn't help. I was constantly trying to avoid alcohol but then that voice in my brain tried to trick me into finding ways to drink. Some months ago, after I'd stopped drinking, I started PMO-ing a lot more. Now I'm trying to stay away from both but it's hard.Nice job Escape! Drinking and the Porn game are a horrible mixture. I lapsed on a 113 day streak due to having some drinks which led to PMO. So freaking frustrating. During my no PMO journey I found that I was actually beginning to drink more. I realized I was substituting one for the other. So I have had to curb / slow my alcohol consumption down. Proud of you on both the alcohol and PMO fronts! You're not alone so hang in there brother!