I need to up my game.

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I know about the urge surfing but I haven't been able to really make it work.

I can relate that in my life were certain words or concepts that I just couldn't wrap my head around, no matter how simple they seemed to others- like "grace" or other things...

What may help to understand or grasp mindfulness, to where you can use it practically in your day-to-day struggle could be the acronym: A.W.A.R.E.

A.W.A.R.E.

A
- Acceptance. Be accepting, even welcoming of the urges to P, PMO or MO;

W- Watchful. Watch as an outside observer without judgment, with compassion and understanding.

A- Act. Take action on these urges by breathing deep, and staying calm in the moment. Without responding to the urges, for or against, neither feed nor fight the urges, just breathe through them until they pass!

R- Repeat. Repeat steps 1-3, until the urges pass. Hence the term 'urge surfing' as urges often come in waves.

E- Expect. Know that these urges, and whatever 'triggers' them for you will come, but have an expectancy that you will handle them successfully.


Think of mindfulness as simply being aware. Has there ever been anyone in your life that you'd rather ignore like an ex-girl friend, or someone you didn't want to see or talk to? Say they enter the room, but don't see you. You're aware of them, but choose to ignore them. You don't go over and talk to them, nor do you confront them to 'get out'. You just wait until they leave the room.

The same thing if urges come, no matter how strong they are, no matter how often they come (even if after 50 days!), it's always the same non-response from you:

Acknowledge that the urges are there, but don't go over and fight with them, don't go over and talk friendly to them, either. Just wait them out by doing deep breathing. Part of not responding is not judging the urges, either.

And know this: urges do eventually subside! It doesn't feel like it in the moment, but it's like a 'law of nature', they will and do subside when ignored. They only get stronger (even after 50 days) when responded to, or 'fed'.

This is where it gets a little wierd, but it's important:

Say you've actually gone over, and interacted (for or against) the urges, what then? Step outside of yourself. What does that even mean?? Just pretend you're watching yourself in a movie, and seeing yourself acting toward or against the urges. Instead of judging yourself, or your actions as 'good or bad', just watch yourself without judgment. And simply breathe deep through your nostrils, exhale out your mouth. Do this intentionally and mindfully until the urges pass.

What does mindfulness mean? Mindfulness = awareness.

Hope this helps, Escape!
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Another important point: mindfulness is the opposite of mindlessness. We all know pretty well what mindlessness is because whenever we're trapped in a cycle of our habit or addiction, it's usually because we mindlessly walked into it. We got cued or triggered, and then we responded to it, and before you know it, you're acting on your impulses out of habit.

Mindfulness is the opposite of this. We step outside of the story (where we're no longer the victim or the hero), and breathe through it until the urges pass.
 

zaraki888

Active Member
I understand man, I feel you, but then why I craved porn on day 50 like absolute crazy? Based on what you said, I was supposed to be done on day 22. On day 50 I craved porn like you have no idea.

I think you peeked or did something that awakened the neuro pathway related to porn addiction but you thought you were safe and then slowly it got worse until massive cravings, and you weren't aware of. It works very subtle porn addiction. This is why there are porn addicst who die without knowhing they are porn addicts.

I read your journal. I believe the moment you started to go down hill is after 6 weeks. When you decided to stop hard mode. Then on day 39 you started drinking. Nerves that fire together wire together.


Maybe this helps.

I quote from the website https://husbandhelphaven.com/porn-addiction-symptoms/
''In most cases, Delta Fos-B will stick around in your brain for about eight weeks. However, every time you’re exposed to porn, you reset that timer AND you make your cravings stronger than they were before. ''

That is 56 day. It is the Delta Fos-B that lights up our brains like a Christmas tree after exposure to porn. Even when we survived the 3 weeks, Delta Fos-B still can causes massive cravings with one peek.

And if you are under 30 years old, your reboot will take longer. I suppose this could mean longer than 8 week to get rid of Delta Fos-B.

I hope this could help you a bit.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I think you peeked or did something that awakened the neuro pathway related to porn addiction but you thought you were safe and then slowly it got worse until massive cravings, and you weren't aware of. It works very subtle porn addiction. This is why there are porn addicst who die without knowhing they are porn addicts.

I read your journal. I believe the moment you started to go down hill is after 6 weeks. When you decided to stop hard mode. Then on day 39 you started drinking. Nerves that fire together wire together.
I had urges on and off up to that day when I MOed without porn. It was 30 plus days, I'm not exactly sure how much. I'd delt with massive urges, that's why I even MOed. That broke my hard mode and I realized I don't think I can really do it without the hard mode. But my biggest mistake was starting to drink again and it hasn't been easy to control my alcohol consumption because I'm an alcohol addict and to be honest, I think I've had a harder time with my alcohol addiction than porn addiction recently. I can't stay sober. Last time I was sober for a little over a month and then I started drinking again. When I get drunk or when I'm hangovered, I rarely don't watch porn. And the biggest porn binges come when alcohol is involved, when I'm drunk I binge porn like I could never do it while I'm sober.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I can relate that in my life were certain words or concepts that I just couldn't wrap my head around, no matter how simple they seemed to others- like "grace" or other things...

What may help to understand or grasp mindfulness, to where you can use it practically in your day-to-day struggle could be the acronym: A.W.A.R.E.

A.W.A.R.E.

A
- Acceptance. Be accepting, even welcoming of the urges to P, PMO or MO;

W- Watchful. Watch as an outside observer without judgment, with compassion and understanding.

A- Act. Take action on these urges by breathing deep, and staying calm in the moment. Without responding to the urges, for or against, neither feed nor fight the urges, just breathe through them until they pass!

R- Repeat. Repeat steps 1-3, until the urges pass. Hence the term 'urge surfing' as urges often come in waves.

E- Expect. Know that these urges, and whatever 'triggers' them for you will come, but have an expectancy that you will handle them successfully.


Think of mindfulness as simply being aware. Has there ever been anyone in your life that you'd rather ignore like an ex-girl friend, or someone you didn't want to see or talk to? Say they enter the room, but don't see you. You're aware of them, but choose to ignore them. You don't go over and talk to them, nor do you confront them to 'get out'. You just wait until they leave the room.

The same thing if urges come, no matter how strong they are, no matter how often they come (even if after 50 days!), it's always the same non-response from you:

Acknowledge that the urges are there, but don't go over and fight with them, don't go over and talk friendly to them, either. Just wait them out by doing deep breathing. Part of not responding is not judging the urges, either.

And know this: urges do eventually subside! It doesn't feel like it in the moment, but it's like a 'law of nature', they will and do subside when ignored. They only get stronger (even after 50 days) when responded to, or 'fed'.

This is where it gets a little wierd, but it's important:

Say you've actually gone over, and interacted (for or against) the urges, what then? Step outside of yourself. What does that even mean?? Just pretend you're watching yourself in a movie, and seeing yourself acting toward or against the urges. Instead of judging yourself, or your actions as 'good or bad', just watch yourself without judgment. And simply breathe deep through your nostrils, exhale out your mouth. Do this intentionally and mindfully until the urges pass.

What does mindfulness mean? Mindfulness = awareness.

Hope this helps, Escape!
I appreciate the help bro. But that part where you say "without judgement" is the part that gives me the most trouble. You said if the urges are not fed, they go away, but I have a hard time not feeding them if you know what I mean. My longest streaks came Rambo style, running through the urges and suffering until it eventually got me after exhausting me. Maybe that's why I don't have many long streaks and not consecutive either.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
But that part where you say "without judgement" is the part that gives me the most trouble. You said if the urges are not fed, they go away, but I have a hard time not feeding them if you know what I mean. My longest streaks came Rambo style, running through the urges and suffering until it eventually got me after exhausting me. Maybe that's why I don't have many long streaks and not consecutive either.

I know. Sometimes in my past, I wish I could've stepped outside of myself, and spat in my own face... But what does judgement do? It ties you to this thing, it identifies yourself with this thing, and it- yes, even thinking how much horrible oneself is for thinking this, or for doing that, actually feeds or responds to the urges, strengthening them. Fighting or feeding urges only keeps the cycle going.

Here's the cycle:

1. Cue (or 'trigger'); 2. Urges; 3. Responding for or against the urges; 4. Acting out the urges (P, PMO, MO); 5. Shame, regret, and promises to do better. Then the cycles repeats itself endlessly, until YOU break it.

Where do you break it? Step 3, that's where your golden key is to ending this, escaping this, and changing yourself forever!

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. - Viktor E. Frankl

When you pass judgement on yourself, especially when urges hit, or you've acted on them to some degree, you're actually responding to the urges... even if you're cussing yourself out.

That's where mindfulness and 'urge-surfing' needs to apply. You've just received a major hack if you choose to apply it!

Rambo style, white-knuckled approaches, trying to will-power your way through this is only feeding step 3, by responding to the urges (against). It might work one or two times, but the urges come back stronger next time, right?

Instead turn step 3 into non-response, neither acting for (feeding) nor against (rambo, or judging), and you'll never get to steps 4 and 5.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I know. Sometimes in my past, I wish I could've stepped outside of myself, and spat in my own face... But what does judgement do? It ties you to this thing, it identifies yourself with this thing, and it- yes, even thinking how much horrible oneself is for thinking this, or for doing that, actually feeds or responds to the urges, strengthening them. Fighting or feeding urges only keeps the cycle going.

Here's the cycle:

1. Cue (or 'trigger'); 2. Urges; 3. Responding for or against the urges; 4. Acting out the urges (P, PMO, MO); 5. Shame, regret, and promises to do better. Then the cycles repeats itself endlessly, until YOU break it.

Where do you break it? Step 3, that's where your golden key is to ending this, escaping this, and changing yourself forever!

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. - Viktor E. Frankl

When you pass judgement on yourself, especially when urges hit, or you've acted on them to some degree, you're actually responding to the urges... even if you're cussing yourself out.

That's where mindfulness and 'urge-surfing' needs to apply. You've just received a major hack if you choose to apply it!

Rambo style, white-knuckled approaches, trying to will-power your way through this is only feeding step 3, by responding to the urges (against). It might work one or two times, but the urges come back stronger next time, right?

Instead turn step 3 into non-response, neither acting for (feeding) nor against (rambo, or judging), and you'll never get to steps 4 and 5.
Sounds good man. I will try harder to do it better.
 
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