dude, just went through your 24 pages....i felt like i was the one writing it! I can't speak for everyone but I have relapsed too many times to count. I stopped journaling in June but today is day 1 and I hope to continue. I agree, we can't listen to that voice in our heads saying we are strong enough to watch a little bit of this or that. WE AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH, PERIOD! I heard something about addicts and it's that the addiction trumps pretty much everything so my motivation was this hurting my wife, but the addiction doesn't care. It's all about the addiction first. Therefore we have to put ourselves in a position to win. One guy on a HBO special said he goes to the gym whenever he gets an urge. Now he's ripped. We have to stay busy. Pick a hobby. We are ALIVE, there's plenty of things to do. Help someone. Whenever we are alone and focused on ourselves is when we can get trapped to jerk it. I know there's a case at a late time in the night, i remember you said you woke up at like 430am and did it. In that situation it'll be hard to call someone, but a accountability partner is key. Well that's what this site is for. Maybe jump on and read someone else's story. KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT, in that moment, it'll be like a slap in the face that you'll need.